Name one reply that was “hateful”?
I’m going to post another fic. Remember, “don’t be hatin’.”
Title - A Night on The Town Pt. 1
Plot Description - Cid takes Sora, Donald, and Goofy for a night in Traverse Town. But what happens when Cid is exposed to alcohol?
(Sora, Donald, and Goofy enter Traverse Town and they walk up to Cid)
CID - Oh. Hey, kid. How’s it going?
SORA - Good. We just sealed another keyhole.
CID - You don’t say?
GOOFY - H’yuk! It wasn’t easy, but we pulled it off as a team.
DONALD - Those Heartless ain’t got nothin’ on us.
CID - Whoop-de-doo!
SORA - What’s YOUR problem?
CID - Sorry, kid. It’s just that I’ve been standing here in front of my gummi shop 24 hours a day. I just need to get out.
SORA - Get out?
CID - Yeah, you know. Get out and do something. I’m closing down my shop for the night. I gotta go have some fun and let loose. You three wanna come along?
(The trio huddles around each other and talk it over)
SORA - Okay.
DONALD - Sure.
GOOFY - Okie dokie.
CID - Great! Let’s go!
(They all enter the cafe for dinner)
CID - I tell ya. What a place! Hey, waiter!
WAITER - Yes?
CID - How about gettin’ us some scotch?
WAITER - Sorry, we don’t sell alcohol to children OR cartoon characters.
CID - Oh well, more for me then.
WAITER - Right away.
GOOFY - (looking around) What cartoon characters? I don’t see any cartoon characters.
DONALD - (rolls his eyes) I’m not even gonna bother with that one.
CID - So, how’s your entrees?
SORA - This fish is just like mom used to make.
DONALD - The steak is great, but WHO’S IDEA WAS IT TO PUT DUCK ON THE MENU?! Someone here is a cannibal!
CHEF - (behind Donald) Duck L’orange to serve!
DONALD - (casts Firaga on him) Don’t even think about it, ya big palooka!
GOOFY - The barbeque pork tastes pretty swell.
CID - Too bad they don’t serve sushi. I like sushi.
WAITER - Your scotch.
CID - Thank you, my good man. And here’s a tip. (gulps some down) Ah. (burp!) Oh, pardon. I haven’t had some good scotch like that since I started the gummi business.
SORA - How long have you been in the gummi business?
CID - (not listening) Man, this place is boring! Let’s go somewhere else.
GOOFY - Where else IS there?
CID - Hmm…
(So, they decided to head back to the shop, so that Cid could get his gummi car)
CID - I build my own gummi car out of gummi blocks. I named it “Road-Raider”. There’s room for four. Hop in.
(They hopped in and Cid drove wrecklessly around town)
DONALD - Whoa! Hey! Careful with the driving, will ya?
GOOFY - Maybe that scotch had too much chocohol.
DONALD - It’s “ALCOHOL”.
SORA - There’s a law about drinking and driving, Cid.
CID - Aw, that law’s a bunch of spinach! Let Popeye scarf it down!
GOOFY - Who’s Popeye?
CID - We’re heading toward the 2nd District. (hits a stop sign) Whoops! Lousy tree! It got in my way! People AND plants should be more careful while they’re on the road.
SORA - But we’re not ON a road!
CID - Ah, but you’d like to think that, wouldn’t you?
SORA - You guys, Cid is starting to scare me.
DONALD - What’re we gonna do?
CID - We’re going to the new dance club! THAT’S what were gonna do.
(They enter they dance club and Cid buys another drink)
CID - Ah, my old friend, Mr. Whiskey. (chugs it down)
SORA - I just hope there’s no age restriction here.
(Then, the Heartless appeared and had their own party)
SORA - THE HEARTLESS!
DJ HEARTLESS - (singing as the heartless dance to the music) I…FEEL IT DEEP INSIDE ME. I WANNA RIDE; CAN’T FIGHT IT. I MIGHT AS WELL RELY ON THE DRUMBEAT.
DONALD - They’re taking people’s hearts and taking over the club.
GOOFY - Gawrsh, that’s no good!
DJ HEARTLESS - …CUZ I’M ADDICTED TO DRUMS AND I’M A SLAVE TO THE DARKBEAT!
CID - (drunk) Hey, they’re playin’ Oscar G and Ralph Falcon! I love this song! (to the Heartless) Hey, FELLAS! Do you take requests?
How about playin’ some Nelly?
GOOFY - Uh-oh! They saw us!
DONALD - Thanks a lot, Cid!
CID - Don’t mention it, Daffy.
DONALD - WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!
TO BE CONTINUED…
Title - A Night on the Town Pt. 2
Plot Description - Refer to Part 1.
GOOFY - Uh-oh! They saw us!
DONALD - Thanks a lot, Cid!
CID - Don’t mention it, Daffy.
DONALD - WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!
SORA - Guys! Now’s not the time! We gotta fight them off!
(Sora, Donald, and Goofy pull out their weapons and they start kicking ass)
CID - Yeah! Click their glasses! (He meant to say “Kick their asses”) I’m just gonna order some more booze.
(The fight goes on and Sora’s team wins)
SORA - Whew! That was close. Everyone’s hearts are back where they belong.
CID - (even more drunk) Man, this party blows nose! There’s not enough boogie. Let’s go.
(They leave the club and drive around some more. They enter the 3rd District)
SORA - Guys, we gotta stop Cid from drinking any more alcohol.
DONALD - But how?
GOOFY - He’s drunker than uh…uh…uh…anything that’s as drunk as Cid.
DONALD - That didn’t make any sense!
SORA - I have a feeling that Cid’s going to be the death of us.
CID - (singing) Mr. Peter Cottontail, Hoppin’ down the bunny trail, hippety hoppity, EASTER’S ON ITS WAY!
GOOFY - I like Cid better when he’s solar.
DONALD - SOBER!
CID - (pulls over) Here we are.
SORA - What are we doing in front of Merlin’s house?
CID - What else? We’re deliverin’ a pizza! (drunk laughter)
GOOFY - Gawrsh, you serve pizza, too?
SORA - No, that’s the whiskey talking.
(Cid knocks on the door and Merlin answers)
MERLIN - Yes, can I help you?
CID - Hey there, bearded lady! Wanna buy some girl scout cookies?
MERLIN - I beg your pardon?
SORA - Merlin. Sorry, Cid had too much scotch and whiskey tonight.
DONALD - He invited us for a night on the town, and the next thing you know, he goes completely drunk!
GOOFY - He’s a total wreck.
MERLIN - I see.
SORA - Could he be any drunker?
CID - (pulls out a bottle of wine)
GOOFY - Where’d you get THAT?
CID - I rented it from Blockbuster! (gulps the bottle down)
SORA - You see? He’s getting even worse!
MERLIN - Hmm…Perhaps the Fairy Godmother can help.
FAIRY GODMOTHER - (appears) Did someone call?
MERLIN - Cid is rather drunk. We thought you could be of some assistance.
FAIRY GODMOTHER - I’ll see what I can do. (pulls out her wand) Bibitty Bobitty BOOZE!
(Magically makes a bottle of booze appear)
CID - (picks it up) YAY! I’ve found some more treasure!
FAIRY GODMOTHER - Oh my! My magic isn’t what it used to be.
MERLIN - Then, there’s only one thing to do. We must visit Geppetto!
(They all head to the 1st District and visit Geppetto)
GEPPETTO - Why hello there, Sora.
SORA - Can you help Cid?
MERLIN - He’s terribly drunk.
CID - (looking at Geppetto) Hey, he’s got a wedgie! I want one too! (gives himself a wedgie) Ow…
PINOCCHIO - (drinking Cid’s booze)
GEPPETTO - PINOCCHIO! Where did you get that?
PINOCCHIO - Cid sold it to me for 15 dollars. (his nose grows)
CID - (throws up)
GEPPETTO - My goodness! He seems to be getting worse! I have an idea!
MERLIN - Yes?
GEPPETTO - First, we hold him upside-down, and then we…(sees Cid’s clothes on the floor, but Cid is gone) He’s gone!
GOOFY - Gawrsh, he must’ve shrunken into an itty bitty man!
DONALD - (sees the door open) He must’ve stripped naked and left.
SORA - He’s probably streaking in public.
(They all look out the window)
CID - WAHOO! FREEDOM!
LADY - Hey! Put some clothes on!
FAT MAN - Have you no decency?
KID - Hey, isn’t that the guy who runs the gummi shop?
MOOGLE - GOOD LORD, kupo! THAT’S DISGUSTING!
SORA - This is very disturbing.
GEPPETTO - I’m so happy that’s not us out there, right, Pinocchio? (sees Pinocchio’s clothes on the floor, but Pinocchio is gone) Pinocchio?
GOOFY - He’s out there with Cid!
MERLIN - My goodness, he’s a very badly influenced little puppet, isn’t he? And now, three other kids are getting into the act.
DONALD - HUEY! DEWEY! LOUIE!
HUEY - This is fun!
DEWEY - I’m glad Unca Donald’s not around!
LOUIE - He’d have our tail-feathers!
DONALD - They’ve got THAT right.
GOOFY - Look! Two men in blue are coming.
POLICE 1 - Mr. Highwind. You’re under arrest for wreckless driving, drinking and driving, stealing a bottle of wine from the dance club, pretending to sell girl scout pizza, and (ewck!) running around in the nude.
POLICE 2 - Please put this towel on and come with us.
CID - Are we going to Disneyland?
POLICE 1 - Er, something like that.
(The next day, the three heroes visit Cid in jail)
SORA - Hey, Cid. We’re here to bail you out.
CID - (rubbing his head) Oh, geez. Thanks, kid. I don’t know what got into me. My head hurts like crap. Hey, wait. Why am I wearing a towel?
GOOFY - We sure had a great time last night. Perhaps we can do it again sometime.
CID - Sounds good, but I think I’m gonna stick to selling gummi blocks for a while.
DONALD - That’s good.
CID - Say, guys? Can we stop by the mall and pick up some clothes?
THE END.
Ok, you know what, my day has sucked COMPLETE AND TOTAL ASS. I don’t need some wannabe playwright telling me to eat my words.
Thats about as much plot description that you get on the back of a box of cheerios. Stuff like “(The fight goes on and Sora’s team wins)” and “(Sora, Donald, and Goofy pull out their weapons and they start kicking ass)” is about the writing talent of a golf ball.
Oh, by the way. I wasn’t trying to be mean then, and Im not trying to be mean now, but since you seem to think I was trying to be a prick about it, I figured I might as well really be a prick about it.
Anyway - I don’t need to get used to your writing style, because right now, you don’t even have a style. What you’ve got is a bunch of dialogue. Anybody can write dialogue and put names next too it - what you need to do is capture the essence of who it is you’re writing about, and put it into words. Sora is a spunky kid with spikey hair who waves his car keys around - you need to put that into words, and scripts simply don’t do that. Scripts are made for actors, because they are told what their characters are like by directors and told to act out their parts. This is why people write novels, things in paragraph form, because then they can help describe their own characters. How they look, how they act, and most importantly, how they feel. "(Sora, Donald, and Goofy pull out their weapons and they start kicking ass) " doesn’t really capture any sort of emotion of how Sora feels kicking out who ever’s ass. What if someone hasn’t played kingdom hearts? They wouldn’t know what kind of weapons they have. Something like that should look more like this:
Sora cautiously unsheaths his keyblade, and motions to all his intent; no longer is he standing by and watching these actions unfold. Donald follows suit, and unclips his staff from his back, and waves it around with a quack. Goofy emerges from the shadows, shield in hand, ready to take action. All three move in unison, against a common foe.
Let me just add that I have read what you’ve written, and you left out a crucial factor - what the fuck are they fighting? And can you quote passages of your story that are used for plot advancement? Just what is your story about anyway?
Sorry, dude, but I gotta agree with the others on this. You HAVE been acting rather… well, not nice about oher people’s criticism. I have to say, you aren’t that good a writer if you won’t listen to others with a clear head.
you’ll have to post your fics in another thread if this keeps up. People, calm down. Dude: you need to learn that if you post your stuff, people will criticize. If you don’t want to hear anything like this, send it to Weilla, but then your work won’t get any better because criticism is what makes better writers. If you don’t know your flaws , you can’t improve them.
And please, don’t take it the wrong way and go off saying “I KNEW YOU GUYS WOULD BE MEAN ABOUT MY WORK >:( >:( >:(” We’re actually trying to help.
RPGDude, I really don’t want to sound like an ass, but I have to be completely honest here:
You write flat, one dimensional characters in a flat, one dimensional setting, and most of the time, I have no idea what’s going on. Your stories are undetailed, unexciting, and so boring that posting it will probably serve as a sleeping potion. Therefore, consider taking our advice, for ONCE, and at least TRY to improve your writing skills. Otherwise, give up now, because you’re obviously not getting any of those fluffy “Oooh, I love it!” comments that you seem to love so much.
:fungah: You go away for one evening and sheez.
Okay everyone, chill. Dude obviously has a bad sense of belief in himself, this isn’t helping I’m afraid. He is taking things much harsher then we’ve meant, so let’s back off.
Now Dude, please listen.
We do not hate you. We’re just trying to help you become a better writer, that’s all.
A beginning writer won’t be the best at first. Val wasn’t, Sorc wasn’t, and neither was I. But if you want silk glove treatment, I’ll give it a try. I’m going to do a beta read of your first chapter.
I’m being as nice as I can, but if you take this offensively as well there’s nothing I can do for you.
Title - A Night on The Town Pt. 1
Plot Description - Cid takes Sora, Donald, and Goofy for a night in Traverse Town. But what happens when Cid is exposed to alcohol?
>Summary… that’s fine but don’t make it part of your story. You’re supposed to let us know that within the text.
(Sora, Donald, and Goofy enter Traverse Town and they walk up to Cid)
>Is Cid standing in the middle of the square by the entrance and not in his shop? It sounds like that since they enter and just frolick forwards to see their blond pal.
CID - Oh. Hey, kid. How’s it going?
SORA - Good. We just sealed another keyhole.
CID - You don’t say?
GOOFY - H’yuk! It wasn’t easy, but we pulled it off as a team.
DONALD - Those Heartless ain’t got nothin’ on us.
>Where was this keyhole? On which world, they should at least mention something about who helped them and so on since Cid asked how it was going.
CID - Whoop-de-doo!
>How does Cid look when he says this? I’m guessing it’s a cheer but it can also be ironic.
SORA - What’s YOUR problem?
>Oh, so it was sarcastic? Or?
CID - Sorry, kid. It’s just that I’ve been standing here in front of my gummi shop 24 hours a day. I just need to get out.
>Oh, so he WAS outside of the gummi shop. But then they wouldn’t just “walk up to him”, they’d cross the square, pass Pinochio’s house and turn left. See, it doesn’t have to get more complicated than the description I just gave you to set the scene.
SORA - Get out?
CID - Yeah, you know. Get out and do something. I’m closing down my shop for the night. I gotta go have some fun and let loose. You three wanna come along?
(The trio huddles around each other and talk it over)
SORA - Okay.
DONALD - Sure.
GOOFY - Okie dokie.
>Since they talked it over, only one reply is really needed I’d say.
CID - Great! Let’s go!
(They all enter the cafe for dinner)
>The cafe by the square or somewhere else?
CID - I tell ya. What a place! Hey, waiter!
WAITER - Yes?
>What waiter. Is it a man or woman?
CID - How about gettin’ us some scotch?
>Are they sitting down by a table now?
WAITER - Sorry, we don’t sell alcohol to children OR cartoon characters.
CID - Oh well, more for me then.
WAITER - Right away.
GOOFY - (looking around) What cartoon characters? I don’t see any cartoon characters.
>Instead of writing things between paranthesises, write it like “’/…/ I don’t see any cartoon characters,’ Goofy said, looking around.”
DONALD - (rolls his eyes) I’m not even gonna bother with that one.
>Same here.
CID - So, how’s your entrees?
SORA - This fish is just like mom used to make.
>When did they get the food? When did they order?
DONALD - The steak is great, but WHO’S IDEA WAS IT TO PUT DUCK ON THE MENU?! Someone here is a cannibal!
CHEF - (behind Donald) Duck L’orange to serve!
DONALD - (casts Firaga on him) Don’t even think about it, ya big palooka!
>The chef was not to think of what? And why was he behind Donald?
GOOFY - The barbeque pork tastes pretty swell.
CID - Too bad they don’t serve sushi. I like sushi.
WAITER - Your scotch.
CID - Thank you, my good man. And here’s a tip. (gulps some down) Ah. (burp!) Oh, pardon. I haven’t had some good scotch like that since I started the gummi business.
>Why hasn’t he taken time off?
SORA - How long have you been in the gummi business?
CID - (not listening) Man, this place is boring! Let’s go somewhere else.
>Where did that come from all of a sudden? Wasn’t he enjoying his drink?
GOOFY - Where else IS there?
CID - Hmm…
(So, they decided to head back to the shop, so that Cid could get his gummi car)
>Did the guys finish their meals in highspeed? How long time passed in the cafe?
CID - I build my own gummi car out of gummi blocks. I named it “Road-Raider”. There’s room for four. Hop in.
>Where did he store this thing?
(They hopped in and Cid drove wrecklessly around town)
DONALD - Whoa! Hey! Careful with the driving, will ya?
GOOFY - Maybe that scotch had too much chocohol.
DONALD - It’s “ALCOHOL”.
SORA - There’s a law about drinking and driving, Cid.
>How would he know, there were no cars or even machinery on Destiny island as far as I saw.
CID - Aw, that law’s a bunch of spinach! Let Popeye scarf it down!
GOOFY - Who’s Popeye?
CID - We’re heading toward the 2nd District. (hits a stop sign) Whoops! Lousy tree! It got in my way! People AND plants should be more careful while they’re on the road.
>Where are they now?
SORA - But we’re not ON a road!
CID - Ah, but you’d like to think that, wouldn’t you?
SORA - You guys, Cid is starting to scare me.
DONALD - What’re we gonna do?
CID - We’re going to the new dance club! THAT’S what were gonna do.
(They enter they dance club and Cid buys another drink)
>Where is this dance club? In the second district? Okay, but where in there? And what about the heartless infecting everything but the first district, the sewers and Merlin’s hut?
CID - Ah, my old friend, Mr. Whiskey. (chugs it down)
SORA - I just hope there’s no age restriction here.
(Then, the Heartless appeared and had their own party)
>Aha, so the Heartless ARE there. How do they party? Which kinds of heartless are around?
SORA - THE HEARTLESS!
DJ HEARTLESS - (singing as the heartless dance to the music) I…FEEL IT DEEP INSIDE ME. I WANNA RIDE; CAN’T FIGHT IT. I MIGHT AS WELL RELY ON THE DRUMBEAT.
DONALD - They’re taking people’s hearts and taking over the club.
>What are said people doing while this happen? Wouldn’t there be a panic?
GOOFY - Gawrsh, that’s no good!
DJ HEARTLESS - …CUZ I’M ADDICTED TO DRUMS AND I’M A SLAVE TO THE DARKBEAT!
CID - (drunk) Hey, they’re playin’ Oscar G and Ralph Falcon! I love this song! (to the Heartless) Hey, FELLAS! Do you take requests?
How about playin’ some Nelly?
GOOFY - Uh-oh! They saw us!
>Aren’t the heartless drawn to the keyblade? They would have spotted Sora and co before…
DONALD - Thanks a lot, Cid!
CID - Don’t mention it, Daffy.
DONALD - WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!
>Would Donald have time getting pissed at Cid considering the fact that there’s an army of Heartless heading for them?
TO BE CONTINUED…
I’d like to call this the skeleton of a story, an outline to work more on. It kinda reminds of my own starting notes before rewriting. Don’t take any critizism too harshly as I said, we’re trying to help you improve your writing style.
I think we scared him off lol…
Originally posted by Sorcerer
I think we scared him off lol…
You and I were probably the ones who had the most effect. 
Ah well, wouldn’t be the first time.
It’s none of our fault when the person we’re trying to help only takes it as offenses, then there’s nothing we can do about it.
Although I skipped his story,(I poked in this thread earlier, I don’t want to go paychospaz) from his arguming, I almost mistook his pot count for his age.
Spaz, that’s probably his actual age.
It’s sad when people take offense in place of HELPFUL comments.
Now, to RPGDude should he ever read this:
RPGDude, I’ve had it with you. I’ve tried to be nice, but like what you did when Sorc replied, you assumed I was being an ass, so I might as well BE an ass instead of trying to convince you otherwise. It’s obvious that you’ve received neither respect or recognition from anybody and all you’ve done is bitch about your half ass story since you got here, and I can tell that RPGClassics is too much for your incompetent, socially inept personality. When you join communities, you should be aware that people can say whatever the fuck they want, including their opinions, as long the rules allow it, and because you didn’t get the reaction you wanted for your so called story does not give you the license to be a prick. Maybe you ought to change your ways and grow the fuck up, and you know what? You’re going to need a lot of luck with that. ^_~ If you’re going to come back here, kindly make sure you act your own age this time.
EDIT: I know he can’t read this, but I don’t care that much, it just felt good getting it out.
I read his posts too and I have to agree with you guys. It was all dialogue and no story. The reader was basically left to imagine what the character would be like. If the reader never played the game they were left in the dark. That’s how I felt about characters like Sora from Kingdom Hearts.
Man, I jus read the whole thread
and I have to admit…you guys WERE 100% right and the way he reacted WAS plain SAD!
Sigh… I wonder where RPGdude is…
hope he hasn’t killed himself or something…
(hey dont lookamme…that guy sounded capable of doing it)
oh well…
AND NOW ‘THE NICEST PERSON IN THIS THREAD’ awards goes to Weiila!!!
Man …this world would be a much better place if there are more ppl like Weiila in it… 
<img src=“http://www.rpgclassics.com/staff/tenchimaru/td.gif”> This thread has been dead for 4 months. Please don’t revive threads that have been dead for a week, let alone 4 months.
Don’t necropost, it makes the great ones fart uncontrollably.