Sorry, guys, but I need to talk aboout this somewhere.

Last night I tried to kill myself. Or at least, I was so very close to it. And I don’t even fucking know why.

I can’t complain about my life that much. I mean, college student, still getting support from well-off, caring family. Classes are going okay. I’m even part of the semester play, and doing a good job with that. No job right now, but don’t really need one yet. And I have a relationship that’s… as stable as ever, I guess. All in all, it’s a good life.

So last night, I was suddenly struck with such a depressed feeling that I honestly have no idea where it came from. I mean, I’m on spring break now, and I should be happy, or at least relaxing, right? So why did I suddenly burst into tears and want to go downstairs to take a knife to my wrists in a hot bath so I could die in a way that might be relatively painless?

I swear to God, I haven’t felt like this since I was 12, when I nearly did the same thing. The only thing that saved me then was having my sister find me before I could do it. This time, it was only laziness. I didn’t even want to go downstairs to get a knife sharp enough to do it. I jsut went to sleep, hoping I’d feel better in the morning. Not that much luck here.

I don’t take medication. Technically, I should, but I found it never really did much for me but kill my emotions entirely, if that. I never felt sad, but I never felt happy, either. And all my creative drive to want to write and create stories dried up then.

Why do I bother telling you guys? I dunno. Probably because this was my first real sense of belonging anywhere, even though I Still feel like a fucking fool almost anytime I post. If I bother telling any family, they’ll just force me back into pointless psychotherapy where nothing gets done, except wasting an hour of the doctor’s time and my family’s money. Can’t really tell any friends because, well, I don’t even have any phone numbers.

Not really sure what I wanted to accomplish with this post. I know better than to expect pity or symathy from this place. Maybe that’s what I need, though.

Sounds like something of a panic attack or something similar. My best friend used to have them sometimes.

I think it’s a good thing that you’re telling somebody about it, even if it’s on the internet. Talking about something like this is the best and pretty much only way to deal with it. Is there anybody in real life that you feel comfortable talking to as well?
I hope that this was a one time thing, and that you’ll feel better soon. Take care of yourself, okay?

You don’t have to feel like a fool, Val, I don’t see why you’d have to. You’re an important part of the community, you know. We’ve watched you grow up, after all.

You didn’t do it, meaning you’re not that dumb.

Just keep it that way.

You misspelled “about”

You should probably contact your psych about this kind of stuff instead of posting about it on the forums. If the one you get isn’t working out, ask him to refer you to a different one.

I’m not sure how it is where you are, but your college might have a free student counseling service. If they’re not trained psychiatrists, they might at least have people ready to listen to someone who needs to get something off his chest.

There’s nothing wrong with posting your dillemna here, but the extent to which people can offer advice is limited because nobody knows what your life or current situation is like. As everyone else said, a psychologist could help, if you can find a good one and can afford it(and you’re truthful with them).

You’re not the only one to ever be suicidal. Even though it seems like your life is nothing but pain, killing yourself would effectively make your parents’ life nothing but pain. Do you really want that? Tough it out until you get better help/can figure out what to do to make your life worth living.

It’s useful to post it, even if no one says anything useful, because it’s a great feeling just to get it off your chest and feel that people out there will care about it. Don’t mind the haters (if there are any).

One thing I’ve learned in my own experiences is that if you ever feel that doing something means that lots of people are looking at you and laughing at you, you’re almost 100% sure to be wrong. I gained a lot of confidence once I realized that nobody really cares about my messups, and if I don’t mess up, I don’t learn.

As to why you suddenly got struck with this feeling, unfortunately I can’t help you there. It might be something physiological… hormones or some such. But it does have a cognitive aspect, and it’s always the most important to remember that you have a lot of your life ahead of you, and every day of your life, you have the capability of making a difference to someone, maybe someone you haven’t even met yet. The world doesn’t deserve to lose you before your time.

The problem with psychologists is, I’m never like this when I go to talk to them. I have this habit of forgetting the bad things that happen as soon as they’re gone… unless they’re embarassing, in which case I remember them forever. But with depression and anger, I can never remember them, so I can’t talk about them to my therapists. And then I tend to think in retrospect, “it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was.” So they then are unable to help me.

And quite honestly, the one reason I usually tell myself to keep from killing myself, in the few times I get this bad - not that it’s been this bad in years - is the thought that if I die, it’ll cost my folks several thousand dollars for a funeral, when all I want is to just be dumped in the animal graveyard my family has up at the Roost, along all our dogs and stuff, in a big garbage bag. Man, you’d think that people would comply with someone’s request for after they’re dead, you know?

Write your shit down, take it to the psychologist. If nothing else, it helps you sort out your thoughts.

I would actually advise you see a psychiatrist. Do you have bouts of mania (ie periods where you feel really happy and energized) ? I’m suspecting you might be manic depressive because that’s a sharp dive and its fast. I suspect that the psychiatrist would try to prescribe something but you don’t have to do that if you don’t want to. No one will make you do that. I think you probably need to talk about why this stuff happens to people that will listen and hopefully provide sound advice you should follow.

I agree with what someone said about writing it down to help you sort out your thoughts, if only to have a better idea of what to say to whoever you want to talk to about these things.

Your school should have counselors available to point you in the right direction, free of charge.

just remember that if you ever do decide to end it all, the first thing you should do is get on irc and talk about it

if you’ve got all this stuff going for you it shouldn’t be too hard to find a reason to continue living

I don;t think I’m manic depressive. I’m normally somewhat energetic, but I never dive like this. I used to have rage issues, though, where I’d become an uncontrollable flurry of fists and kicks, then start crying wishing for death. Teachers says I was the msot depressing first grader they ever saw.

I don;t trust my school’s counselors. There’s a story behind that. My sister went to the same school I did for a few years, before going to work for our dad at his office. One day, while there, she was having a bit of a breakdown, and went to talk to someone. When she mentioned she had, in the past, only once, contemplated suicide, years ago, they immediately moved to get her put under observation. She didn’t want to, but they told ehr she could either go restrained in an ambulance, or in the back of a police car. So, choosing the car rather than being restrained, she chose the car. So, she spent an entire night udner observation for an event that didn;t even invovle her trying to hurt herself, and - and this is the big thing - they neevr even thought to contact our parents for it. She had to call them herself, when they gave her a phone call. I’ve rarely seen my father that made before, but he was ready to kill people.

Well, long story short, I’ve learned to keep my troubles to myself, and fuck the school. I probably will try the writing thngs down, though. Justneed to feel comfortable enough with a pen, I guess.

Perhaps you might want to try a different kind of psychologist? For example (anecdotally), many people seem to swear by Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You should find a psychologist who makes you feel comfortable. Also, don’t let friendships fall aside. They can really give you a sense of meaning. Did you talk to your bf/gf about it?

Hope you’re feeling better now. What kind of play are you in?

Jesusmaryjoseph, overreaction much?? o_o

Anyway…I don’t know for certain what’s up with you, but I’ve had plenty of bouts of depression from out of freaking nowhere before. I’ve never experienced instantaneous “ups” either. I chalk it up to having ovaries and being an artist. :stuck_out_tongue:
Just because everything is going peachy in your life doesn’t mean you can’t have internal things to deal with. Whether you feel that you need to go to a psychiatrist or not is entirely up to you, but I think discussing issues like this with friends that give a crap about you is the best possible thing you can do. We <3 you Vally, so stay with us, ok? :3

It’s impossible to diagnose someone long distance, but after reading the posts you’ve made here and coming from a purely personal perspective I’d say you may be bipolar (the fancy name for manic-depressive).

The episodes of rage are typical for Bipolar II. In Bipolar II, manic episodes are expressed as episodes of things like anxiety, rage, obsessional behavior and so on. Bipolar II is also known for deep, lingering depression.

You mentioned that every time you see a psychologist the “bad episodes” slip your memory. I think it’s pretty common for everyone to forget bad things in a new situation, when meeting a new person. What I did was write down every symptom and episode I could remember, from childhood to present, before I went to the meeting. I showed this to the Psychologist and gave her a copy. It was a pretty depressing excercise, but also an enlightening one.

I agree that the LAST people you should be asking for help is anyone at your school. They are just trained to hand you off to a hospital or the cops, in the most dramatic way possible. Plus, they’re then convinced you’re some kind of ticking time-bomb about to explode.

I’m sorry if I sound a little stiff. I don’t know many people here, but I do want to help. I’ve been there, and it’s a very lonely and unpleasant place to be.

Rigmarole: Yeah, I talked to him/her about it. Not much s/he can do, however. Having an alaskan half-eskimo that you’ve yet to meet face to face and lives four hours behind you, time-wise, for a significant other sucks sometimes. And the play is called Bus Stop, by William inge. I got the role of Dr. lyman, the elderly, egotistical, cradle-robbing professor with a drinking problem. I find it somewhat off-putting how my director says I’m the best she’s ever seen.

Trillian: I WISH I could blame it on either one. :stuck_out_tongue: And yeah, we’re very disappointed in how they did it. I thought it was usually required to notify someone’s emergency contact before you try to commit them. it’s why I’m afraid to even apply for special aid for my learning disabilities.

Seras: I’m not bipolar. At least, rpetty sure I’m not. if anything, I think it’s jsut my ADHD conflicting with normal clinical depression sometimes. And those Rage issues were back wehn I was 6 or seven. then one day, they just stopped. No idea why, but they never came back.

overall, my problem with medicine and therapists is, ever sicne I was 5 or 6, I’ve been going to doctors, getting drugs for various problems, and whatnot. And they still never did a damn thing. I’ve avoided therapy and pills for months now, and I’d say I feel better than usual. usually.

Err, well, just look at your Avatar picture and think happy thoughts.

Good Lord, V. We talked, last night! Did this happen right afterwards!? Now I’m REALLY worried about you again!

Look, if it’s true that things are going well enough, and you STILL get these impulses, there has to be some other cause. Maybe it’s neurological or biochemical; there is such a thing as depression brought about by environmental factors. I don’t know enough about it; the only thing I can advice you is to look for further options. You’re not going to find them sulking off in your home. Tell someone you trust -your sister, at least- and have her find you new professional attention. Please!

At least there’s this to consider: despite how bad you felt, the fact you didn’t act on the impulse because you were “tired” means it wasn’t THAT strong. If it were, you wouldn’t have let something so mundane stop you. Don’t let your depression fool you into thinking that it wasn’t. That’s part of the problem. Don’t let your bad experiences stop you from trying again either. Other people have had similar experiences and have overcome them.

And yes, posting here is good in that it means you WANT help. Again, if you were at the point of no return, you wouldn’t have bothered. And you know there’s plenty of people here who care about you. Sure, many may not care or believe you or feel like they can help, but many others have. The worst thing you can do is crawl into a hole and let it get worse.

I hope you’re feeling better now. I know you, V. I’ve known you for years, and I know you’re a better, stronger person than you believe. Don’t let whatever this is get you down. Remember, you can Email or PM me at ANY time you need it, I’ll get back to you as fast as I can. And in the name of God, GET HELP! OK??

Did you talk to your doctor before going off your drugs? It’s common for people who just quit using them, instead of being weened off, to feel better for awhile and then relapse. Sometimes they end up being worse off than they started. You might not think that the drugs have been doing a damned thing but they could be the very reason you haven’t had a suicidal thought since you were twelve.

I suggest, though I know you already said you didn’t like the doctors, going and talking to them about perhaps changing antidepressants until you find one that works well for you. And if you really don’t want to, and truly believe they do nothing for you, you might think about taking your meds again for awhile and then slowly weening yourself off of them.

I really, really hope that you feel better soon no matter what action you decide to take.