Last night I tried to kill myself. Or at least, I was so very close to it. And I don’t even fucking know why.
I can’t complain about my life that much. I mean, college student, still getting support from well-off, caring family. Classes are going okay. I’m even part of the semester play, and doing a good job with that. No job right now, but don’t really need one yet. And I have a relationship that’s… as stable as ever, I guess. All in all, it’s a good life.
So last night, I was suddenly struck with such a depressed feeling that I honestly have no idea where it came from. I mean, I’m on spring break now, and I should be happy, or at least relaxing, right? So why did I suddenly burst into tears and want to go downstairs to take a knife to my wrists in a hot bath so I could die in a way that might be relatively painless?
I swear to God, I haven’t felt like this since I was 12, when I nearly did the same thing. The only thing that saved me then was having my sister find me before I could do it. This time, it was only laziness. I didn’t even want to go downstairs to get a knife sharp enough to do it. I jsut went to sleep, hoping I’d feel better in the morning. Not that much luck here.
I don’t take medication. Technically, I should, but I found it never really did much for me but kill my emotions entirely, if that. I never felt sad, but I never felt happy, either. And all my creative drive to want to write and create stories dried up then.
Why do I bother telling you guys? I dunno. Probably because this was my first real sense of belonging anywhere, even though I Still feel like a fucking fool almost anytime I post. If I bother telling any family, they’ll just force me back into pointless psychotherapy where nothing gets done, except wasting an hour of the doctor’s time and my family’s money. Can’t really tell any friends because, well, I don’t even have any phone numbers.
Not really sure what I wanted to accomplish with this post. I know better than to expect pity or symathy from this place. Maybe that’s what I need, though.