Protectors of the Plot Continuum Spinoff

My own fic on the PPC.

(AN: Mary Sues sighted at:

“How many times have I told you to take protection when you go to Known Space?” Kirsten sighed.
“I didn’t think you meant that kind off protecthion…”
Kirsten turned away from her unfortunate partner-turned-Pak, and continued to throw rubber bands at the empty cup of coffee.
“Tho what am I thupposed to do?” Tyler asked. “It’th hard thpeaking through a beak.”
Kirsten shrugged. “Go thee- excuse me, see Medical.”
The large knobbly creature wandered from the room, ducking under the doorframe and muttering to himself. Kirsten ignored the lisped mutters, and continued to flick rubber bands at the coffee cup…
I knew I should have asked for reassignment to the Sailor Moon division. At least there they get some assignments. Any assignments. No-one writes Niven fanfics anymore…
The phone rang, and she picked it up lethargically. “What?” she shouted.
“I’m lotht.”
Kirsten sighed. “Look, just wander around aimlessly. You’ll forget you’re lost soon enough, and then you won’t be.” She slammed the phone down. According to the Laws of Comedy, a tumbleweed rolled into the lab, circled it a few times, and rolled back out again.
She leant back and tried to get the chair to swallow her, to no avail. She closed her eyes, and tried to sleep off the effects of the damned morphic root vegetable’s aroma. I hate the Ringworld…
She snapped to her feet, forgetting that she was in a chair, and fell onto her ass as it rolled aaway from her. She stood and looked over the monitor quickly. She frowned. That can’t be right… One hand went over to the phone, and automatically dialled a number.
“What?” a voice snapped down it.
“We got a multiple Mary Sue and Bad Crossover warning.”
“We’re Niven, not FFVIII.”
“You always whined you didn’t get any jobs. Here’s your day.”
“Who are you anyway?”
“I’m the voice that gives you jobs. Think of this as your big chance to get reassigned to another continuum.”
“Who wath that?”
Kirsten didn’t even turn. “Don’t tell me they didn’t fix you.”
“You thaid…”
She turned. “They didn’t fix you. Damn.”
“What’th the warning?”
Kirsten pointed at the screen. “Don’t question it. We get reassigned.”
Tyler looked over the screen. “Final Fantathy Eight, many Mary-Su- Jethuth Chritht. They’re in relationthips with everyone… Do we get thupport?”
“A damn good question, and one I’m gonna ask the Official.” She turned, and slammed open the door to the corridor outside the Response Centre. By another damn laws, it proceeded to slam right back in her face, but she was ready, and stopped it with her foot. She surveyed the corridors.
“I hate thethe damn corridorths…” Tyler sighed. “Tolkien get’th portalth, but we get extra Matrikth Reloaded sets.”
“Shut up while I find the damn key…” Kirsten said.

You can’t come in here uninvited, the Sunflower Official said.
“We were though,” Kirsten replied.
“Yep, thith guy outthide thaid we were alwayths welcome here if we wouldn’t hit him anymore,.” Tyler/Psspthok said.
Silence, you overgrown sack of marbles. Why are you here?
Kirsten slid the piece of paper onto the desk in front of her. “This. Why have we got it?”
Understaffing. No-one writes fics for your continuum anymore, so you’re changing divisions.
“Then who’s going to look after Louis and Nessus and the rest?”
I doubt anyone reading this knows or cares who they are. Go and see Makes-Things, if Jay and Acacia haven’t terrified him yet. He should give you your new Field Packs.
“I thtill don’t thee why-“
Quiet you lisping copper monstrosity! the sunflower official… said.
Kirsten and Tyler found themselves outside the room. They turned, to see a total lack of door.
“I really hate that flower,” she whispered.
“Are we going to do thith then?” Tyler asked.
Kirsten snorted, as the two moved down the grey corridors. “Hell yes. I want to get outside more. I always wanted to visit B-Garden. We go, we kill, we come back…”

“Please leave me al- oh, its’ you two. Sorry,” Makes-Things said, picking himself up from under his desk.
“Who did you think it was?” Kirsten asked, walking into it.
“Jay and Acacia came back from a mission with Lightsabers. I don’t want to think about it,” Makes-Things said.
“Can we have our thtuff?” Tyler asked.
The man looked him up and down. “You should get creams for that,” he said.
“Har bloody har. Give uth the damned packth,” he said testily.
Makes-Things reached behind himself and handed over two backpacks. “And you get a portal this time,” he said.
“Yay! Finally! How come?” Kirsten asked cheerfully.
“That lunatic Jay broke hers, I fixed it, and she got another one. It’s a spare.”
“Well, at leatht there’s no chanth of running into Agent Thmith in the Corridor thith time,” Tyler said.
“You’re welcome, now please leave before they come back.” Makes-Things looked around fearfully, and duly deposited himself back behind his desk.

“It’th off to Balamb we go!” Tyler said cheerfully, as the big portal open in front of them like… er… a big portal…
Kirsten made sure her Analysis was secured. “What are we going as?” she asked.
“Weaponth!” Tyler said gleefully.
“No! We got into enough trouble when you went as a Thrintun that time!”
“But Power ith fun,” Tyler complained.
“Students,” Kirsten said.
Tyler nodded sadly. “Thtudents it ith. After you.”
Kirsten jumped through, disappearing into the black murky portal. Tyler bounded through next, and the two fell into the world.

Squall crossed his arms and looked away, hearing anger in her words. Carole had arrived in Garden a week ago and ended up in his class. He didn’t know her or if she had a family and where she was living and didn’t want to know. The first day after the class, she asked him to lead her to the cafeteria with a shy smile. He had frowned and said he didn’t have the time.
“I told you I had something to do,” he explained.
“What? Training or date Rinoa?”
The sound of that name was painful to Squall’s ears.
“That’s really none of your business! What do you want?”
Carole frowned.
“Thanks to Seifer who was more kind than you and gave me a tour of the place! If it wasn’t for him, I would still be wandering around for the whole week and would have end up eaten by a T-Rexaur in the Training Center!”
“Would have saved us a job,” Kirsten muttered, staring at the girl balefully from the end of the corridor. She looked at her device.
[Carole. Human Female. Non-canon. Mary-Sue.]
Tyler was staring at his hands. “Real skin! I never want to go to Known Space again!”
She hit him. “Pay attention. We need to find the others,” she said.
Tyler sighed. “No signs of obvious Sue-ness…” he muttered.
Kirsten unfocussed her eyes, reading the Words. “You obviously forgot to look at the summary. She’s taken her friends and family into FFVIII just for a chance to date the gang,” she said.
“I hate these Garden uniforms though…” he said, scratching his arms.
“Shut up. You have no reason to complain. My ass is getting cold. Who designed these things?”
“Cid?” Tyler suggested. The look in her eyes told him to Drop It. “Nevermind. There’s no-one else here, lets jump her when Squall vanishes…”
Kirsten examined the Words again. “No. Simply being here isn’t actually wrong. Anyway, this is post-canon. Lemme look… Got it."
They missed what the Sue said, but not the reaction.
Carole’s frown disappeared seeing Squall trembling and hearing low noises looking like sobs. She silently walked in front of him and bent to see his face. Then she became totally concern.
“Ouch spelling!” Kirsten hissed. “It’s a shame. She’s not actually that terrible…”
The Sue went on. “I’m sorry, Squall! I didn’t mean to…”
He raised a hand to make her silent and turned his back again, quickly wiping away his tears. Carole moved to his side and apologized again.
“It was mean, I’m really sorry… Guess I’ll go then…”
“Yeah, suck up to him while ya can, ya scummy fangirl…” Tyler said slowly. “Feed her to Omega? Throw her into the Fire Cavern? Lock her in the Missile Base?”
“Not. Yet,” she warned.
“Got your books?” Squall asked.
The Sue showed him the three she had under her arm.
“What do you say we go study at the cafeteria?” he proposed.
[Possible OOC. Not enough to prosecute.] the scanner displayed. Kirsten cursed. That was why she hated Sue hunting after the game/movie was over. The ‘people-can-change’ argument was a bitch to get around.
They followed the girl and Squall into the library, where she showed proper deference to the great SeeD, asking her help. The two Hunters could almost see her eyes going all wide and adorable-like.
“I could drop her from her, and then…”
“No! We need to find the other Sues!” Kirsten hissed.
“When do they get here?” Tyler complained.
She checked. “Not until chapter… six… They have a big long drawn out reunion scene. A few, actually. Hold on. I can’t take this…” She reached for the Temporal Thingy and pressed a few buttons. Space swam in front of them as they zipped forward several days, and they found themselves in the Garden Foyer, surrounded by students who couldn’t see them. And-
“A/N! Brace yourself!” Kirsten hissed, and ducked.
[for those who don’t remember, Quistis gave up her instructor job. She told Squall after the graduation party, in the secret area of the training center]
Kirsten put her head back up as the integrated Author’s Note passed. “She was fired you stupid Sue!” she whispered.
Tyler shook his head cleat. “Ignore it, there’s two of them.”
Kirsten was Reading again. “She called Timber ‘Tinber’. She; we will kill slowly and painfully…”
Tyler pointed, to where a group of normal-looking people were standing around. “Well, at least they’re not stunningly beautiful… Looks like they’re taking their field exam…”
The second female Sue was obviously excited. “I sure hope I’m in Gackt’s team!” she said all excited.
Kirsten tutted. “Punctuation dear, whatever where you thinking?” She pointed her Analyser at the second Sue.
[Miaka. Human Female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]
I just hope I’m with you,” Carole answered. “That would already be great!”
“Speech marks!” Tyler said. “And grammar! Nil points!”
“I say we get them on their exam. A few dead students. No-one will notice much.”
“There he is!” Miaka suddenly exclaimed. “Gackt, over here!”
[Gackt. Human Male. Non-canon. Marty-Stu.]
“We got another. How many left?” Tyler asked.
“Three left to classify. One is introduced in a few seconds…
The room swam again, and the two found themselves behind the train, in ‘Tinber’, facing Squall, Zell, and the three Sues. Rinoa faced them, accompanied by another. The analyser beeped.
[Adam. Human Male. Non-canon. Marty-Stu.]
“Rinoa’s boyfriend. How dare she,” Tyler whispered. He turned. “Him. Over there, next to Rinoa and the Stu.”
[Dave. Human Male. Non-canon. Marty-Stu.]
“One left. We jump them on the mission. Who do you want?” Kirsten asked, smelling blood in the air.
“I’ll take the men. You can take the girls,” he whispered fiercely. He started to move forwards-
“Wait!” Kirsten said, and pulled him back. “There’s one left. She doesn’t come into the picture until after the mission!”
Tyler hit the ground with his fist. “Damnit! Temporal Thingy?” he asked tiredly.
“Temporal Thingy,” Kirsten agreed.

“Hate… her…” Tyler said through gritted teeth, as the final Sue walking into the room, accompanied by Zell.
“We could have gone on the actual mission with actual Squall! Instead we have to wait for the last damn Sue to show up!”
Kirsten had to hold him back from standing up and grabbing the aforementioned Sue. “Tonight!” she said. “We get them all tonight. Think bloody thoughts!” she encouraged.
He sat back down on the cafeteria chair with a thump.
Kirsten read backwards. “Don’t worry. You only missed the Sue Prime saving Squall’s life on the mission, which of course forms a bond for later romance,” she said.
The names were called for the SeeD graduates to receive their ‘diplomas’, and the two assassins made their exit.
The main Sue walked out a few minutes later. “I made it!!” Carole exclaimed. “I can’t believe they past me!”
“Add a lack of distinguishing words to the list of charges,” Kirsten said.
Another female Sue [Audrey.] ran out, to congratulate the Sue Primary and Secondary, both of whom had passed with flying colours.

At the cafeteria, the SeeD gang was celebrating with a pile of hot dos made especially for the graduated SeeDs.
“What in the hell are ‘dos’?” Tyler asked from the table across. “Sounds like shi-“
“Quiet. Almost time.”
A crash announced that the Sue had made her dramatic challenge to Squall, and she stormed out of the cafeteria.
“She’s right,” Squall whispered. “I’m selfish…”
“No, she’s just a Sue, ignore her,” Kirsten whispered. She Read ahead. “She gets in trouble, wounded and taken to the infirmary. I’ll take her then, and the others at night. You get the boys… Seven Sues!” she exclaimed. “Who uses seven?”
“Now?” he asked.
Kirsten nodded. “Just as long as it’s before chapter thirteen,” she said.
“What happens then?” he asked.
“The Sue bitch is attacked and goes temporarily deaf, and obviously she speaks loudly to compensate for this, and the author tries to simulate it, and therefore this AN pops up:"
Kirsten and Tyler kept their heads down as they read the Words from that far ahead.
[consider her words are messed up. Try to imagine how it would sound like. I heard someone deaf speak once and it’s weird!]
Tyler actually winced. “Kill her now,” he said, deadly calm.

When Carole opened her eyes, she was in bed. Her body was less painful than before. There was a band-aid on her chin and one on her cheek. Her arm was bandaged and her foot too. There was another bandage around her head.
She blinked several times but it was a little dark so she wasn’t sure where she was until she recalled what happened: the T-Rexaur, Squall… he must have brought her to the infirmary.
“How do you feel?”
She turned her head and saw-
“You’re not Squall,” the Sue exclaimed.
Kirsten smiled nastily. “No. I’m here to make you pay.”
“But Squall was supposed to…”
“He’s not due to come here for another few hours. According to you; before midnight.” She stood. “Carole, you are charged with being a Mary Sue, with seducing Squall, making him go horribly out of character, bring your actual relatives into the fic as well, and probably a lot of other stuff that we couldn’t get around to in the few minutes I have.”
“What are you talking abo-“
Her speech was cut short, as Kirsten picked up the woman’s Gunblade and slammed it into her throat. The Sue stared at her for a few seconds, then gargled through blood pathetically, and died. Kirsten felt a scream resound through the building, and frowned.
A few seconds later Tyler ran back into the room, covered head to toe in blood. “What the hell happened? I was halfway through the last one when they vanished!” he said.
“Halfway through?” she asked.
Tyler shrugged. “Ever tried slitting a throat with a dull knife? It’s hard. I wish I had laser-flashlight…” he muttered.
“The others must have been tied into the fic by this one. When one goes, the others follow.”
“Damn. I hadn’t got the last one entirely…”
Kirsten picked by the body of the Sue, and used her other hand to bring out the Temporal Thingy to open a portal. She unceremoniously threw the corpse through it. She heard a dull thud, and then the skittering of tiny feet, and then chewing noises.
Tyler raised one eyebrow.
Kirsten smiled. “Let the Galbadian sewer rats have some food,” she said.
Tyler shrugged. “S’fine with me. Can we go home now?” he asked.
Kirsten sighed and brought out the Temporal Thingy. Another portal formed, and the two went through.
Kirsten instantly ran over to the worktop and poured a very large cup of coffee. “Well, that wasn’t so bad. Not a bad writer, just a total fangirl…” she said. She turned. She stopped. She choked down a laugh.
“What?” Tyler asked, a funny feeling coming over him.
“Er… apparently the portal changes you back to just the shape you were when you went through it…” she said.
Tyler looked down at his body.
“Oh for the love of Chritht!” he shouted.

Mwahaha :slight_smile: Great job, Pierson.

And Acacia and Jay accepts fansubmissions methinks, there’s something about that on their front page which I haven’t posted before. Here.

I wonder what they’d do with Enter a Warmage. laughs

I don’t like being killed, kthxbye.

Thx guys.:slight_smile: Yeah, Jay and Acacia accept Fanlinks, but I’d have to post it on ffnet first, and I’m not so sure that would be a good idea…

I wouldn’t say that’s a Marty Stue, it’s a good story. And besides, Robert doesn’t get emotionally involved with any game characters - not to mention all the times he messes up :o

Yup, but the tagline is sooooo fangirlish… ‘Me and my friends and family go to FFVIII so we can date the gang!’


… pain… PAIN!

IS anyone else going to do one?
We need to find more bad fics…:o

Noa showed me an absolutely terrible piece of fiction yesterday, so I felt the need to whip this up. And yes, they really did use dialogue and spelling like this.

Obviously I’d never do this for any of the fics here. The difference between people like this and people like Galloway and Zhou is that your fics are actually good

Oh, and Lady Angel? This is what Weilla was going on about.

“Say it! Say ‘pesky moose and squirrel’!”

“For the lastht time no!”


Kirsten swivelled around on her swivelling chair and idly tapped the screen, which promptly displayed a list of figures.
“Again?” Tyler asked tiredly.

Kirsten shrugged. “Could be worse. Three chapters of much and it’s over. Get your things.” She grabbed her pack from the metallic cabinet and the portal opener from the metal ban of controls that didn’t do anything except look pretty. “What are we going as?”

Tyler jumped up and down. “Weaponth!”

Kirsten slapped him. “No! Huge beasts of destruction do not fit in well at B-Garden! Choose something else.”

Tyler visibly deflated, which is hard when you’re roughly the shape and texture of a human skin filled with walnuts. “OK OK, fine then. Not thtudents though,” he warned.

Kirsten twiddled some generic knobs on the control pad, and the familiar matt black hole of the portal appeared. Tyler instinctively took a step back. “What?”

Kirsten smiled nastily. “Step through and find out,” she said.

Tyler shook his fist at her and walked towards it. “Tho help me woman, if it’th a dragon I’ll kill yo-“ his voice faded as he stepped through. Kirsten jumped in after him, and the two landed in the world of Gaia, circa FFVIII. In sewers.

Tyler looked down. “You liar.” He looked down further. “These shoes were new as well.”

Kirsten picked herself up and brought out her Analysis device, heedless to Tyler’s complaints.

“I mean, couldn’t you have come up with something better than workpeople?“

She hit him with it and it beeped angrily. “Silence, stupid human.”

Ow! Fine!”

Kirsten sighed. “Ok, according to the supposed author Rinoa gets lost in the sewers while looking for Edea, and ends up meeting quote unquote ‘a hansem man who helpe her, and stops the green stone lizard thingies from eating her before Squall does-“

“This ensuring romance and mush etc etc?” Tyler finished for her. “Hansem? She meets the band?”

Kirsten resisted the urge to hit him again. “I’n not going to dignify that with a response,” she sighed.
“Technically, you just did.”

“Shut up.” She strode forward through the muck. “This way.”

The two strode through the Deling sewers, wantonly slaughtering rats and monsters to relieve the tedium, when they heard the voice eckoing through the sewers.

Tyler rolled his eyes. “Let the bad spelling roll.”

“Great, now I’m lost and stuck in these stupid sewers and I’m supposed to be going to see Edea as well. What luck,” Rinoa hummed sarcastikally.

Tyler raised an eyebrow. “Hummed sarcastikally? And does it give an explanation as to why she’s in the sewer at all?”

“Sue author. You think they give explanations? Guess- get down!” she hissed, as splashing behind them alerted the two assassins to another person. The Analysis device made a glooping sound under the water, and Kirsten covered it in her cloak. When she was sure the person was gone, she broke the surface, and took a deep breath of clean air. She looked around for Tyler, and frowned when all she saw was a thin trickle of bubbles rising to the surface. She hit them, and was rewarded when the man nosily splashed back to reality, and started complaining. Again.

“It’s gonna take forever to get the smell off,” he lamented.

Kirsten grabbed his collar and dragged him away, closing her eyes as she did, reading Ahead. “Alix meets Rinoa in the next few paragraphs, helps her away from the ‘large aquaruis monster’, and then they climb out of the sewer, and meet the others.” She blinked. “Apparently the exact same point they climbed in. Stupid authors, didn’t even let the poor girl get any closer. And what is Quistis doing at the sewer entrance? She’s supposed to be guarding the gate!” She sighed in exasperation. “They never learn. Before they get out of the sewers would be best.”

Tyler ran his hands through his hair and only succeeded in covering it with more gunk. “Suits me fine. Ambush?”




Rinoa sploshed through the murky water of the sewresyetem, looked for an exit leading into the temple she needed to be to place the O Bangle on the sorceresss arm. “Damn it, why didn’t the others come with me?” She asked.

“Asked who? There’s no-one to ask,” Tyler said.

Kirsten ignored him and pointed the analysis device at the girl in blue.

[Rinoa Heartilly. Human female. Canon. Out of Character 20.42 %.]

“Is that it?” Tyler asked.

“Rinoa’s a naturally sappy person. Probably why he chose her.”

The two trailed behind Rinoa, ducking beneath the stinking mass of sewage whenever she looked back.

Rinoa siffed, and started to cry silently. “I’m never goin’ to get out here!” She shouted!

“Points for effort! Said Kirsten!” Kirsten said. “You’d think- AHHH!“ she exclaimed in pain as Tyler grabbed her hair and yanked her under the water.

Kirsten turned to complain when she saw a pair of boots stride by. The thick water-like slush wasn’t slowing him down. She would have rolled her eyes if doing so would not have leaked raw crap into her skull. She waited the requisite minutes and then came up again. She turned to Tyler, who was retching and trying to spit out green… stuff. “Him,” she said simply.

Tyler nodded and talked between retched. “Yeah… Prob… ably.”
Kirsten splashed after the Stu. “After him!” she exclaimed. “Get him before they get out of the sewers and save us all some effort.” She didn’t wait for a reply.


Rinoa turned, and gasped as a hansem man suddenly came around the corner into view. He had bluey grey eyes and carried a sowrd confidently at his side, walking along the path, he was dressed all in blue and had black hair and a calm face.

A couple of yards behind the scene, Kirsten was whispering under her breath. “Don’t say it don’t say it-“

“Well, what is a pretty girl like you doing in a sewer like this?” The man said.

“-Yup, he said it. Smarmy bastard.”

Rinoa smiled dazzlingly. “My name is Rinoa and I need to get to see Edea, it’s very inportnat.” She said.

The man smiled. “Well, I’m Alix. Nice to meet you. I know a way out of here just around this way. Want to come with me?” He asked smilingly.

Smilingly? What dictionary is this guy using?” Kirsten asked herself. She heard a thumping noise and turned to see Tyler, apparently trying to knock himself out on the wall. “I thought you didn’t like Rinoa?”

“I…thump…don’t. But… thump… this cheesy… thump… dialogue is… thump… terrible.” He blinked, and drew his head back. “I feel better now.”

Kirsten hissed and grabbed him. “Ambush, now.” She pointed in the general direction the two had went. “Follow.” She reached into her pocket.

“And where, pray, will you be?” Tyler asked.

Kirsten drew the portal opener out of a generic RPG-style pocket. “Ahead of you all the way,” she said, and vanished.


“You see this is where I came in. Let me help you with that.” He said and gave Rinoa a legup onto the street. Rinoa looked back down at him.

“Grab my hand!” She exclaimed.

Alix climbed the ladder-

And then a hand grabbed him and threw him off. He landed down in the sewers, and came up coughing. He turned to look up at a man with slick black hair, glaring at him evilly. He frowned. “What are you doing? Who are you?” He asked.

Tyler smiled evilly. “Alix… whatever melodramatic and dumb last name you have chosen for yourself, you have been accussed- Well, you’ve been found guity of… warping the personality of Rinoa Heartilly, and intent to warp the personalities of others, including but not limited to the Children of Fate, Cid and Edea Kramer, and Ultimecia. You also, in my opinion, stand charged of bad grammar and terrible dialogue. These aren’t actual charges but since you’re going to die anyway I’ll let them slide. Any last words?

Alix stood and withdrew his sword from his sheath. “You cannot do this to me, for I am-“

Tyler shook his head. “You weren’t going to use line that till chapter five, but it’s the last straw. Kirsten?”




Tyler stepped backwards and wiped the blood from his eyes as Kirsten took the piano wire from around the dead Stu’s neck and put it back into her pocket. “Taking tips from 47 again?”

“Silence. Let’s just get out of the damned sewer.” She picked up the body and slung it over her shoulder. She felt something tear.
“I’ll get it,” Tyler said, and bent down to pick up the head. “Well?” he asked.

Kirsten shrugged. “I was thinking Time Compression.”

Tyler shook his head. “Underwater Research Facility?” he asked.
Kirsten opened her mouth, but then decided against it. Corpses were damned heavy. “Yaaaay!”


They stepped out into darkness, and quickly dropped the body. Tyler looked around at the glowing fungi of the Underwater Ruins, but a series of heavy footsteps made him turn and stare enraptured as Weapon lumbered towards them and regarded them coldly.

“You again?”

“Bodies gotta go somewhere,” Kirsten said with a shrug. “And we know how much you like the taste of human flesh, what with the killing and the trapping at the bottom of the ocean and all.” The thing picked up the body in one finger. “Thanks for letting us use this place,” she finished quickly, and turned back towards the portal.

Munch – Anytime – chew.”

Kirsten and Tyler stepped through the portal back to the Response Centre before he started eating.


“Remind me never to get on his bad side.”

“Done and done,” Tyler said.

Kirsten threw herself done on the couch-cum-sleeping bed and closed her eyes. “I hate those romantics,” she whispered.
“Tho do we all. Anyway, thleepy time!”

Kirsten’s eyes slammed open. “Ohjesus! I almost forgot!” she said.

Tyler looked at her quickly. “What what ith it?”

“Say pesky moose and squirrel!”

“Thod off!”

The end. For now,

If anyone finds any really bad fics, will they tell me? I want to do more of these things.:mwahaha:

Oh, and if anyone finds one where the Sue/Stu visits the Underwater Research Facility, I’ll love him/her.

Whee! Great stuff, Pierson :slight_smile: Just the kind of story I love to read in the morning :slight_smile:

I aim to please.:victoly:

Hehehehe! Mary Sues make good cannon fodder. That must be the only thing they’re good for. :enguard:

I think we’re gonna need to get some people onto the VII and X chars as well, but I’m much too nice. Dammit --
Especially people in the Bad Slash section. Good grief! I just have to look at the reviews to feel sick!
<_< will be renamed to at this rate… >_<

Which I why I need more to kill in various ways.:mwahaha:

And I can gladly say I’ve neve read any Bad Slash, so I’m gonna avoid that whooole thing they got going.:eek:

Anyway, I’ll patch together another whenever I find or get an address for another bad self insertion.:enguard:

Oh yes, it needs to be done! KILL!

My main problems with this fic were;
A) The sheer obviousness of the Stu. Just look sta his character bio at the start.
B) Utterly terrible choice of script format for a non-humour romance fic.
c) Lack of any description whatsoever, except for ‘house’, ‘ocean’, and ‘place’.

[b]PPC 4[/b]

“Lookth like it’th that time again.”

Tyler looked around, and then slapped the side of the small desk they had just had installed.

Kirsten jumped to her feet. “Wha? Whazzat? M’awake…”

A sigh. “I thaid we got another one.”

Kirsten sloped over to the screen, regarded it balefully, and then sloped back. “It’s FFX, not VIII”

“Ourth ith not to reathon why,” Tyler said solemnly, and grabbed her gently, spinning her around to face her pack. She fell down. “Oh fine, be that that…” He grabbed it himself.

“What we goin’ as?” Kirsten asked, regaining some pretence of alertness.

“It’th post-Thin, so Yevo ith out what are you giggling at?”

“Say Sin again.”

“Thod off.” She looked downtrodden, and then squealed as he picked her up and threw her headfirst through the portal. They landed in a remote non-specified region of Spira seconds later.

Kirsten: I truly, truly hate you.

She rubbed her head.

Tyler: That’ll teach you to bet you could drink more than Acacia then. You know how competitive she gets.

Kirsten looked up and groaned.

Kirsten: Oh great, script format.

Tyler shrugged.

Tyler: Nothing we can do about it. Come on.

The two assassins walked away from the closing portal and trekked carefully towards the sound of voices.

Kirsten looked at her Analyser.

Kirsten: OK, we got flashbacks we are going to avoid, non-specific terrain, and cheesy dialogue. Nothing wrong with script format, so we’re not gonna charge him for it. It’s plain ‘ole Stu-ness this time.

Tyler leaned over and stared at her. He reached across and scrolled down.

Tyler: He rescues Rikku from a river after Cid arranges her marriage – do Al Bhed do that? – and then takes her home.

Kirsten: A simple application of the knock knock whamp technique will suffice here.

Tyler: A what?

Kirsten: Explain it do you later. We’re almost there. Watch.

They watched as Rikku fell into a river, and Wakka went off to get help.

Tyler looked across at his partner.

Tyler: She never had trouble swimming in the games. Inconsistency with known characteristics I say.

Kirsten: Done.

Rikku: (coughs) (panting)

    She had managed to grab a hold of a rock.

Rikku: (panting) I’ve…gotta…get out…of this…water…

    Rikku had lost her grip of the rock.


    Rikku looked up ahead.


???: Hang on!!

Rikku: (cough) Huh?

    Rikku reached out and felt her hand connect with another hand.

???: Hold on! (struggling)

The shadowy figure had successfully pulled Rikku out of the rapids right before she went plummeting down the waterfall.

Rikku: (panting) Who…?

???: (panting) Are you all right?

    Rikku looked up to see a boy, about one year older than herself, a very handsome boy at that.

Rikku: ‘He’s cute…Did he just save me?’

Kirsten: He sure did, and now he’s going to die!

Tyler: Are you going to tell me what the knock knock whamp technique is?

Kirsten: Later. Follow now.

The two assassins trailed the script-speaking characters back to-

The two were momentarily jolted out of the enforced script format of the fic as the man’s house came into view. It was just a grey fuzz, the mark of a writer who had forgotten to descrive a location. This one didn’t even both to have added a single word about it. Rikku and Shadowy Man walked clean through a shadow of a door. Then Kirsten grabbed his arm, and the fic’s rules descended on them once again.

Kirsten: OK, the hell with this.

Kirsten closed her eyes and concentrated. The grey fuzz developed shape and form as she described it in her mind. She opened her eyes again.

Kirsten: Take this.

She handed Tyler a large mallet.

Kirsten: Careful, it’s a Baka Mallet, very dangerous. I borrowed it, but the owner needs it back soon.

            Tyler hefted it. He smiled.

Tyler: I begin to see. OK.

Kirsten stood and walked towards the newly-described house, Tyler dragging the huge mallet behind him.

Kirsten: We get him after Rikku falls asleep. He sings to her, so we can wait until she falls asleep…

The two slowed their pace as they neared the house, and heard voices through the inadequate walls.

Max: Welcome to my humble abode! (giggles) I’ve always wanted to say that! Make yourself at home, Rikku.

Rikku: Wow. Your house is so pretty.

Max: Thanks. You can sit here by the fireplace. I’ll get you a change of clothes.

Before she sat down, Rikku saw a portrait above the fireplace. There was a man in it.

Rikku: Ohhh…

Max: My father…

Rikku: Huh? This is your dad?

Max: Yeah. He was…killed…by a fiend…

Rikku: I’m…sorry.

Max: My mom was so upset, he mostly just slept. She eventually became bedridden. I did my best to take care of her, but…

Rikku: Ohhh…

Max: Now I live here with my sister. Alone.

Rikku: …

Max: Here. Some of my sister’s clothes.

Rikku: Thanks, Max.

    Rikku looked back at the portrait and sighed

    Shortly, Rikku found Max in the kitchen making some hot chocolate. She noticed him humming an old melody.

Rikku: How do you…know that song?

Max: Oh, Rikku. I didn’t hear you. Well, to tell you the truth, I found it in an old song book.

Rikku: My brother…Brother - that IS his name, by the way - would always sing it to me before I go to sleep.

Max: Oh…I see…

Rikku: Could you…sing it to me, Max?

Max: Sure…

    Max took a deep breath and began.

Kirsten and Tyler put their fingers in their ears.

Max: What do you think? Rikku?

Rikku had fallen asleep on his shoulder. Max just smiled. He scooped her up in her arms and gently put her bed.

Max: Goodnight, Rikku…



Max went to open the door. He saw a woman gesturing to him and frowned. He stepped outside to see wha-


Tyler raised the mallet again.

Tyler: Eww. Woman’s gonna be pissed with you for getting blood on her mallet.

Kirsten: I’ll nuke that bridge when I come to it. What shall we do with the corpse?

Tyler: Oh! I have an idea! Cross-Continuum allowed?
Kirsten: Yep.

Tyler: Then here we gooooo…


The portal opened and deposited them on the rocky hillside. Tyler immediately stood and marvelled.

“Thank Christ, that script was getting annoying."

Kirsten: You can say that ag- “I mean, yeah. We gonna do this or what?”

Tyler nodded, then gave one heave, and the body of the Stu flew off his shoulder, bounced a few times off some rocks, and fell into the green depths of the Northern Crater.

Kirsten turned, and saw another group of people, also standing on the side of the crater. She waved. A blonde guy with hair that could puncture spacehoppers waved back hesitantly, and then Tyler grabbed her hand.

“No interaction, you know the rules,” he hissed.

Kirsten pouted. “You’re becoming such a spoilsport. I wanna go talk to Cloud!”

Tyler sighed, and then smiled. “Fine, one question.”

“Yaaaaay!” Kirsten scrambled happily over to the group of heroes, who looked slightly non-plussed that someone had gotten here before them. Tyler followed slowly.

I need a holiday…

Nice one, Pierson.
I don’t understand why people have to write that scarcely, if there is nothing there but dialogue then what’s the point? I mean, “(giggling)”? What’s so hard with writing “he said with a giggle”? :stuck_out_tongue:

… in the future, can you kill one by giving it to Hojo? cackles Then again, then they don’t die persay…

Give me 1/2 an hour. I just found another one. When I write it, do you want to be the one who throws him/her to him?:hahaha;

Sweeet :mwahaha:
I know… “Protectors of the Plot Continuum is not to be regarded as flames. This is reviews - or rather constructive critism - with a twist.”