Lord of the Rings on wrong hands

Yeah, yeah, we are tired of hearing from LOTR’s most xiite fans that Peter Jackson is an heretic, about Bombadill’s absence, Saruman not appearing in that city before surprised heroes, the kiss between Aragorn and Arwen and blah blah blah

But what they don’t see is that things could have been worse. I’ve been making my homework, and I came up with this. What if someone else had done LOTR?

Let’s see… If the director had been:

<center>TIM BURTON</center>
Frodo would be Johny Depp, Aragorn would be Michael Keaton, Martin Landau would be Gandalf. The shire would have a very goth look, the hobbits would all dress in black and they’d have spiky hair and big eyes. The action scenes would be faint and there wouldn’t be many battles for us to see, for the most important in the movies would be the internal agony and conflict of Frodo before the One ring.

<center>JOEL SCHUMACHER</center>
Frodo and Sam would behave (more) homoerotically, so would Merry and Pippin. and Aragorn and Legolas too. Specially Legolas. Gandalf would be a witch, in the ‘hag’ sense of the word. His staff would be like what staves are for the wiccans* - that is, a phallic symbol. And Gandie would have unsolved errands with Saruman, the multicolor. Every line spoken by the characters would end in a very poor joke involving the sphincter-like shape of rings or the word ‘Lord’. Elven armors would have nipples. Orc armors would have nipples. Hobbit clothes would have nipples. Sauron would have nipples…

<center>M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN</center>
Haley Joel Osment would be Frodo. Either Bruce Willis or Mel Gibson would be Aragorn. Thw whole movie would be made with a fixed camera view, in a very slow pace. Too much of a thing-you-have-to-actually-think-for-a-while-to-understand. And the movies would have some surprise in the ending, which somebody would be commenting when passing by you while you are in the line to see the movie for the first time.

<center>GEORGE LUCAS</center>
The Uruk-Hai would be cute, fluffy thingies, so as not to scare the children away. There would be cute fluffy uru-hai plushies being sold too. The lines and situations wouldn’t make much sense, but the action scenes would be yet more breathtaking, so as to give birth to a giant family of videogames with 30 titles. Real life midgets would be the hoobits, which could include Warwick Davis, from the movie Willow, in LOTR too. Gandalf would be 100% CGI, dubbed by someone with a very strong accent and a very irritant voice. But the worst thing would be the 5 years interval between each movie.

If you have ideas for how it would be with other directors, please add it here =D

*I ain’t wiccan =p

Tim Burton probably would have had Danny Elfman do all the music too.

What about David Lynch? :stuck_out_tongue:

Did you write those yourself? O.o

The frightening thing is, most of that would be true. :hahaha;


If you did write this yourself, you rule.

I don’t know, other people have copied stuff and posted it on this forum as if it was their own. But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Anyway, I think the Lord of the Rings movies were overhyped. I don’t care what parts of the books PJ got rid of or changed; in fact, I think he did a good job slimming down the plot. But ultimately the movies seemed to be not as good as the media and the hype made them out to be, at least that’s what I thought.

<center><b><font size="+2">George Lucas</b></font></center>

If he directed it after 1980, it would suck.

David Lynch

The begining of the movie would take place in a pub, and two cops would be talking about something that doesn’t make a lick of sence. One would get up, and they would go outside and look behind the pub, to see a horrible orc looking thing, the scene ends.

Frodo and Aragorn would be the same person, only different bodies, the first half of the movies would be Frodo, but halfway through the second SOMETHING happens, and we see the world through Aragorn.

Everyone would drive cars from the 50s, and the dark riders would look like mafia hit men, and cowboys. Golum would be two women, who make out randomly durring the movie.

Gandalf and Sarumon would be an old man and an old woman, who get out of a taxi and shrink down to the size of a thumb at the end of the movie, for some reason.

When the ring is thrown into the cracks of doom role switches endure, and the movie ends with a singing Tom Bombidil says softly “Selenthio”

John Waters
Middle earth would actualy be Baltimore. Frodo would be the nicest guy on earth, Sam would chain smoke and would be black, Pippin and Mary would be constaintly sealing things, Gandalf would be gay (flaming but not to flaming). Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli would be about the same, only they would have certain qwerks about them that would seem very strange, yet no-one seems to notice. Sarumon would be the corupt Mayor, the dark riders would be cops. All elves would be represented by people writing for an underground newspaper. The ring would have some kind of social comentary, but the meaning will be lost in the crazyness of the movie, yet it all kind of comes togeather at the end. Golum would be a narc. The movie ends with someone eating dog doo.

If produced by Jerry Brockhmer (spelling?)

Many explotions, a black guy/woman that shouts crazy phrases like: “The HELL they gunna get that ring” and “this was NOT on the tour”. The movie ends with a huge explosion, and someone making out with someone else, it really doesn’t matter.

Originally posted by Ren
*I ain’t wiccan =p

What does that have to do with the rest of the post? It seemed to me like a complete non-sequitor. =p

And yay… David Lynch is one of my favorite directors, I’m glad someone did him. You rule BlueMage.

Merlin: TRUTH! =D

EDIT: Also, Peter Jackson was a bad choice, too. His other movies included “Scanners” and “Meet the Feebles,” which were great films in my opinion but… uh… a big jump away from what tone “Lord of the Rings” creates. =p

M. Night Shyamalan?

Eww, that dude can’t direct. All he does is rip off old Hitchcock movies.

If memory serves, Peter Jackson also did “Dead Alive”. :mwahaha:

Heh, that’s great Merl.

Except for the casts, it’s my child. I know the directors, but as for the actors I don’t know the work of all of them as good as I wish I did (edit: for example, I only know Johny Depp from Don Juan and Pirates of the Carribean, and I don’t know Martin Landau at all), so I told a friend of mine I was writting this and asked him to tell me which actors would fit. So he gave me a list and it seems to have worked. And BTW… Merlin and Devillion are god damm right.

Cyber: i wrote that so people don’t think MY staff is a phallic symbol, as opposed to wiccans’, who are perverts that see sex in everything.

That…is ingenious!


Originally posted by Ren
as opposed to wiccans’, who are perverts that see sex in everything.

You have got to be kidding :stuck_out_tongue: I don’t want to see your staff anymore.

Aw… I didn’t mean to offend you, Eva. Trade Wind seems to have liked you, would you like to hold it?

I’d love to hold your staff. Hi there trade Wind.

Originally posted by Ren
Cyber: i wrote that so people don’t think MY staff is a phallic symbol, as opposed to wiccans’, who are perverts that see sex in everything.

Oh thanks. I really enjoy seeing extremely stupid and sweeping generalizations about a religion that I happen to respect and actually know many that practive it.

Ah it harm none, do as ye will Renan

(but I think he was joking. After all, there is a fair share of Christian bashing here as well, but *that’s a different story apparently)

Originally posted by Evangelion
(but I think he was joking. After all, there is a fair share of Christian bashing here as well, but *that’s a different story apparently)

Actually, to be honest, I don’t like that either. I don’t like it when people mock religion meanspiritedly.

Now if its done just to poke fun, thats fine.