Yeah, yeah, we are tired of hearing from LOTR’s most xiite fans that Peter Jackson is an heretic, about Bombadill’s absence, Saruman not appearing in that city before surprised heroes, the kiss between Aragorn and Arwen and blah blah blah
But what they don’t see is that things could have been worse. I’ve been making my homework, and I came up with this. What if someone else had done LOTR?
Let’s see… If the director had been:
<center>TIM BURTON</center>
Frodo would be Johny Depp, Aragorn would be Michael Keaton, Martin Landau would be Gandalf. The shire would have a very goth look, the hobbits would all dress in black and they’d have spiky hair and big eyes. The action scenes would be faint and there wouldn’t be many battles for us to see, for the most important in the movies would be the internal agony and conflict of Frodo before the One ring.
<center>JOEL SCHUMACHER</center>
Frodo and Sam would behave (more) homoerotically, so would Merry and Pippin. and Aragorn and Legolas too. Specially Legolas. Gandalf would be a witch, in the ‘hag’ sense of the word. His staff would be like what staves are for the wiccans* - that is, a phallic symbol. And Gandie would have unsolved errands with Saruman, the multicolor. Every line spoken by the characters would end in a very poor joke involving the sphincter-like shape of rings or the word ‘Lord’. Elven armors would have nipples. Orc armors would have nipples. Hobbit clothes would have nipples. Sauron would have nipples…
<center>M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN</center>
Haley Joel Osment would be Frodo. Either Bruce Willis or Mel Gibson would be Aragorn. Thw whole movie would be made with a fixed camera view, in a very slow pace. Too much of a thing-you-have-to-actually-think-for-a-while-to-understand. And the movies would have some surprise in the ending, which somebody would be commenting when passing by you while you are in the line to see the movie for the first time.
<center>GEORGE LUCAS</center>
The Uruk-Hai would be cute, fluffy thingies, so as not to scare the children away. There would be cute fluffy uru-hai plushies being sold too. The lines and situations wouldn’t make much sense, but the action scenes would be yet more breathtaking, so as to give birth to a giant family of videogames with 30 titles. Real life midgets would be the hoobits, which could include Warwick Davis, from the movie Willow, in LOTR too. Gandalf would be 100% CGI, dubbed by someone with a very strong accent and a very irritant voice. But the worst thing would be the 5 years interval between each movie.
If you have ideas for how it would be with other directors, please add it here =D
*I ain’t wiccan =p