So late night I finished Assassin’s Creed. Today I shall gift you with a short- relatively spoilerless review! Why? Because I, unlike the rest of your sows am immune to Jadegames boob-hypnoses. Much like you in the game! Okay only one spoiler; and now on with the show:

The game play is fantastic; however the learning curve is steep. Very steep. So practice doing meaningless tasks the first while before you actually do anything with significance to avoid unwanted outcomes. Once you get into it the missions themselves are relatively simple, there are some things that are very frustrating however:

  • Missions that tell you to assassinate five people randomly moving all over the city… in four minutes. Seriously? What. The. Fuck. Not only it is impossible to complete this on your first try, it is impossible to complete this on your twelfth try! Between the randomly moving patrol guards- who by the time you will get these missions have increased to astronomical proportions- you have random patrols of five-man guards who, even if you are not doing anything, will spot you and blow your cover. But worse, if you are like me and actually do these hell-spawned missions, you will have to listen to your informants little speech each and every time; there is no way to skip it- so by the end you will be able to recite from memory exactly what they spew from their lie-filled mouths.

  • Crazy people and random drunks: Yes I understand they exist, but seriously… by the end of the game they are almost as abundant as normal citizens. Now this may not seem like a problem, but it is. You see, these retards (literally; they walk around mumbling and making random Silent Hill sounds) will, if you so much as enter their line of sight, explode in manic laughter and push you- and only you, they seem to pester no one else. Big deal? Yeah. When they push you, you will suffer one of the following affects: breaking stealth, breaking stealth and attracting guards, breaking stealth and attracting guards failing your current mission, pushing you into guards attracting them and failing your current mission, pushing you out of range for your pickpocket, pushing you and knocking you to the ground so the guards you are fleeing from catch you, pushing you off the docks and into the water where you drown because no one in the fucking middle east can swim- even the sailors. They all drown. Always. And for some reason the docks are littered with these retards, just to push you into the water. Rue.

  • Beggars: Yes I understand that beggars exist, probably more-so in 1911; but seriously, I had five of those dried-up dirty, plague ridden cunts on me at once. No worries, just move away right? WRONG! They are moving walls. So not only will they utter the same irritating dribble over and over and over again, they will move at speeds even you, a trained assassin, can not, to get in front of you. Sure you can try moving around them, but they will block your path. Trying to follow someone? Suddenly, beggars! Thousands of them! And by the way your target got away, missions failed. My advice to you? When you hear the shrill cries of those harpies: Run. Run away. Or kill someone and make them run away… either or; just be warned the latter has its own consequences.
    Over all though, despite these annoyances, it was very enjoyable. However, the game did freeze up on me to the point where I had to restart the system manually three times over the course of the game play. I figure that Jadegame will get away with this however, due to boob-hypnoses. I just wanted to mention it.

The music is very well done, and changes as you move through the city. Not much to say here other than the goddamned bells. When you complete the main assassination target, even if you kill every soul in a ten KM radius, the town bell will ring. And it will not stop ringing. After the first three main kills, this began to grate on me. Seriously, how the hell. Is every guard telepathic or something? Mainly this was annoying because the bell itself was an annoying bell-belling.

The graphics are of course amazing, and the game makes fantastic use of dramatic camera angles throughout the course of even random- non mission events; nothing much to say here.

The replay value of the game is somewhat lacking though. While I would defiantly buy it, I probably will not play it for a while since if you get all the story the first time though, and are have a ridiculously prowess for all that Deus Ex shit, it really does not hold much other than the sweet, sweet pleasure of watching your blade slice through the flesh of another.

Yes, there will be a sequel. If not I will personally remove the boobs from the boobed-one who created this addictive monstrosity.

Over all, I give Assassin’s Creed a A- for actually alluring me to accomplish the game within 48 hours; that doesn’t happen much to me. So over all bravo; next time less boobs more cocks.


Because Zero Punctuation reviews make everything better:

Click here for awesome review (small spoilers of course).

The review was a bit… gendered, especially for someone impervious to female ad charms. I.e. not really funny.

I don’t see where in my post I made any allusion to posting a comedy routine. No, I think posted a review on a game that was meant to inform anyone interested in playing/buying Assassin’s Creed. So believe me, that’s just the way I write/talk (you’ve never experienced fun until a person on a bus- IE, me- babbles on to their friends about dirty dried up cunts.) and had no illustrious goals of humor. So next time you feel like dropping in a one liner, try to keep it within the relevance of the topic. For example, try posting on whether or not you liked the game in a review thread- I would even suggest, if you are so desperate for a post, linking to a better written, effortless review as Gamer did.

But thanks, next time I will make sure I run by any post I make that does not contain the up most in monotonous language to your distinguished tasted for humor.


Hmm… I may very well give that game a try some day. Well, as soon as I get a PSIII, I should say, which may very well be never.

Also, on the subject of Eden’s avatar, I could never figure out if she was attacking me, or merely dancing. If she is attacking me, could she kindly warn me so that I might be able to launch some sort of counter-attack?

Can it be both? A dance attack? Kind of like a dance off but with more destruction.

You’re welcome to launch a counter-attack, so long as it also includes dance. :3


I thought it was great, but fucking Ubisoft and the not letting you have multiple saves is pissing me off. I did everything in the game except for collecting all the flags, but I missed a bunch of crap with talking to Lucy and that doctor and if I start a new game my old one will be overwritten. Bullcrap.

I just started the game and yeah its amazing. I’m liking it a lot. I do agree Ubisoft is retarded with the 1 save limit. What if my gf wants to play? Or other people I invite? What the fuck?

Is there anything I should look out for?

Make sure you talk to everyone and check everything you can when you’re in the Lab.

What is the lab?

Edit: while the combat controls aren’t that creative, I love it because of how the camera works around the moves the guy does automatically. It is so damn cool.


When you’re playing as Desmond not Altair.

I can’t ever do anything while in the lab :\

edit: I see. I just talked to the chick about what happened to her. Not a whole lot to do though.

Edit: I just pick pocketed a pen from the doc.

If you’re playing on the PS3, just create a new profile for anyone else who wants to play and have them play on that.

That’s what my friend does. <<

You can create new profileso n Xbox as well. And I’m playing on the hexbox. That’s a great idea though. Thanks!

Any answers in regards to the pen I stole?

Next time you come back to the lab, you can use the pen to open the doctors computer.

Edit: assuming you just got the docs pent not Lucy’s. Lucy’s pen is for her computer, doc is for his.


it didn’t let me interact with it :(. What is on the computer?

Make sure to do it after you break out of your room; you can’t interact with them while the doc or lucy are in the room. You also have to be facing the side of the chair that is swiveled out.

Computer contains useful information as well as another two passcodes; but you may only be able to view one depending on where you are in the game.


Just finished the game. It was awesome. I don’t think those assassination missions were that hard. I missed 1 because of a templar once and that was it. The part that really grated my nerves was the fucking boat assassination in Acre part 3. Urgh.

Luckily, I got the guy’s pen without knowing I had to get his pen so I got access to the stuff at the end. Yay!

However, I hear that you can go back through your memories after having finished the game. How do you do that?

Assassin creed is rally very good game but unforunately i dont have it. Can you please tell me from which site do you gt that game.Please.

You BUY it. From a store.