So late night I finished Assassin’s Creed. Today I shall gift you with a short- relatively spoilerless review! Why? Because I, unlike the rest of your sows am immune to Jadegames boob-hypnoses. Much like you in the game! Okay only one spoiler; and now on with the show:
The game play is fantastic; however the learning curve is steep. Very steep. So practice doing meaningless tasks the first while before you actually do anything with significance to avoid unwanted outcomes. Once you get into it the missions themselves are relatively simple, there are some things that are very frustrating however:
Missions that tell you to assassinate five people randomly moving all over the city… in four minutes. Seriously? What. The. Fuck. Not only it is impossible to complete this on your first try, it is impossible to complete this on your twelfth try! Between the randomly moving patrol guards- who by the time you will get these missions have increased to astronomical proportions- you have random patrols of five-man guards who, even if you are not doing anything, will spot you and blow your cover. But worse, if you are like me and actually do these hell-spawned missions, you will have to listen to your informants little speech each and every time; there is no way to skip it- so by the end you will be able to recite from memory exactly what they spew from their lie-filled mouths.
Crazy people and random drunks: Yes I understand they exist, but seriously… by the end of the game they are almost as abundant as normal citizens. Now this may not seem like a problem, but it is. You see, these retards (literally; they walk around mumbling and making random Silent Hill sounds) will, if you so much as enter their line of sight, explode in manic laughter and push you- and only you, they seem to pester no one else. Big deal? Yeah. When they push you, you will suffer one of the following affects: breaking stealth, breaking stealth and attracting guards, breaking stealth and attracting guards failing your current mission, pushing you into guards attracting them and failing your current mission, pushing you out of range for your pickpocket, pushing you and knocking you to the ground so the guards you are fleeing from catch you, pushing you off the docks and into the water where you drown because no one in the fucking middle east can swim- even the sailors. They all drown. Always. And for some reason the docks are littered with these retards, just to push you into the water. Rue.
Beggars: Yes I understand that beggars exist, probably more-so in 1911; but seriously, I had five of those dried-up dirty, plague ridden cunts on me at once. No worries, just move away right? WRONG! They are moving walls. So not only will they utter the same irritating dribble over and over and over again, they will move at speeds even you, a trained assassin, can not, to get in front of you. Sure you can try moving around them, but they will block your path. Trying to follow someone? Suddenly, beggars! Thousands of them! And by the way your target got away, missions failed. My advice to you? When you hear the shrill cries of those harpies: Run. Run away. Or kill someone and make them run away… either or; just be warned the latter has its own consequences.
Over all though, despite these annoyances, it was very enjoyable. However, the game did freeze up on me to the point where I had to restart the system manually three times over the course of the game play. I figure that Jadegame will get away with this however, due to boob-hypnoses. I just wanted to mention it.
The music is very well done, and changes as you move through the city. Not much to say here other than the goddamned bells. When you complete the main assassination target, even if you kill every soul in a ten KM radius, the town bell will ring. And it will not stop ringing. After the first three main kills, this began to grate on me. Seriously, how the hell. Is every guard telepathic or something? Mainly this was annoying because the bell itself was an annoying bell-belling.
The graphics are of course amazing, and the game makes fantastic use of dramatic camera angles throughout the course of even random- non mission events; nothing much to say here.
The replay value of the game is somewhat lacking though. While I would defiantly buy it, I probably will not play it for a while since if you get all the story the first time though, and are have a ridiculously prowess for all that Deus Ex shit, it really does not hold much other than the sweet, sweet pleasure of watching your blade slice through the flesh of another.
Yes, there will be a sequel. If not I will personally remove the boobs from the boobed-one who created this addictive monstrosity.
Over all, I give Assassin’s Creed a A- for actually alluring me to accomplish the game within 48 hours; that doesn’t happen much to me. So over all bravo; next time less boobs more cocks.