I’m not normally one to do this, but I grow tired of the vague hints and accusations thrown my way in the last month or month and a half. I’m not quite sure at what point in time my life because so interesting to some people around here, but I suppose as this involves someone who used to be a part of the community or whatever you want to call it, it’s not entirely unexpected. I write this because it seems though there are enough people here who feel the need to hint at issues in my life that are none of their business, there is not a single person here willing to actually ask me about it or try to get my input on it. Oh I’m sure you’re all experts on my life anyway, so it isn’t necessary. But this is the last and only thing I will say on it. I post it here so everyone equally can see it. And if you feel the need to bring this up to me again in the chat I will ban you for trolling without a warning. This is the only warning, and just as other people have asked that people refrain from bringing up certain issues in their life around here, so am I asking the same of this issue. If there’s something you want to know from me, you ask it here, in this thread only, and I’ll answer it if I feel like it.
For those of you who were around a couple of years ago, there was a person named ange_imparfaite who hung out in the chat, occassionally posted here, and whatnot. She was generally well-liked, unobtrusive. Honestly I can’t really say what she was like at first, because I never paid an ounce of attention to her. For some reason or another she felt the need to message me and talk to me, though I had no idea who she was, nor did I ever recognize her presence. I did what I do to most of the people in the chat who randomly message me: I didn’t respond. She kept messaging me though. It was sort of strange, and I’ll admit it piqued my curiosity somewhat. I’m a bit (a lot) of a mysogonist, and I figured it was just the whole girl who can’t stand being ignored bit, and wouldn’t give up until she was recognized. Well, whatever, more to stop her from messaging me than anything else, I responded back. She turned out to be a rather interesting figure, actually.
I won’t go into the details, partly because I don’t really remember all of them, and partly because it’s pointless. Needless to say, after about a year of chatting and other such things, it became apparent that the two of us shared, or at least thought we shared, a sort of connection in depravity. To put it bluntly, one could call me a bit of a control freak when it comes to relationships, and I had always searched out females willing to be controlled. At the time I was still going out with some fling from high school named Laura, though we had both moved on to separate universities by this time. The whole concept of a long-distance relationship was utterly foreign to me. I hopped from girl to girl in high school, never content to be in a relationship, and never content to be out of one.
I’ve always tried to approach these relationships with an optimistic view. I know I’m ultimately nothing but a cold-hearted bastard when it comes down to it. Once I’ve gotten what I want, or what I thought I wanted, out of a relationship, no matter what the other party’s feelings are, I’m gone. For me, this situation with ange_imparfaite seemed like a ripe opportunity for a new beginning. She seemed much more compatible than most of my previous flings. The fact that she was 1500 miles away did not disturb me: rather, I viewed it as an opportunity to stop focusing on sex, sex, sex and actually try to get to know someone. The relationship would be based on communication, not physicality.
In March of 2002 I broke up with Laura. She took it pretty hard, as they always seemed to. I made up a bunch of crap about how it would never work out anyway, and that religious differences would make it impossible in the end. She didn’t buy it. I eventually admitted that I was leaving her for someone else, someone in another country. That must have hurt. We never really talked again, though we had been good friends since grade school.
The relationship with ange_imparfaite started out smoothly. I did a number of bastardly things though. First I made her leave the RPGC community. I suppose some of you always wondered why she disappeared. Well there you have it. I already said I’m a control freak, and I preferred to leave the two online worlds separate from each other. I visisted her occassionally, when the opportunity presented itself. For about the first year and a half, there were no real problems. I still had feelings, and I had remarkably not cheated on her up until that point. I had never been in a relationship nearly that long, and especially not that long without cheating.
The summer of 2003 was the beginning of the end, however. I went without internet access that summer, and as I Was working a lot, and she was in Quebec, we would go weeks without talking. Out of sight, out of mind, so they say, and I cheated for the first time with a girl from Loyola University, here in Chicago. I felt a strange pang of regret, and I ended up telling her, though I lied and made it out to be much less than it actually was. I was rather surprised at how she took it. She seemed upset, but more with herself. Well, I am the kind of person who exploits weakness wherever I see it, no matter what the circumstances are, or who I am exploiting. I’d fucked with her mind to the point where my faults became her faults. I thus became a much worse boyfriend from that point on. I talked with her less. I stopped calling as often. I felt that I could begin flirting with other girls again.
In January of 2004, I learned that she had cheated on me. Rather than breaking it off with her, I felt it was a grand opportunity to make her feel indebted to me. It became a relationship of unequal status. I forbade her from telling me how she felt. I demanded she keep me informed of the people she went out with. I stopped even pretending to care, except on rare circumstances. I visited her one last time in the spring, mainly to get whatever last bit of dignity out of her that I could. I put on a pretty good show I believe.
Needless to say, the relationship was done this summer. I had actually started to forgive her somewhat (this is how my mind works), and I thought maybe I could start things afresh again. This is the way assholes like me think. We are always telling ourselves it’s a new beginning. This time things will be different. It’s how we get into the situations we do, and of course things never change. Needless to say, things did not change. I said many nasty things to her, calling her too fat to be loved, just as an example. I stopped talking to her and left for France. I’ve officially ended it today, which is why I write this. Why I’m always the one who has to end it, I don’t know. Hell, I’m just as confused as you probably are how a girl could possibly be attracted to me in the first place. I suppose my demeanor does not expose my true nature. I need to come with a warning label.
There are things we do in our lives we will never be forgiven for. I have done, perhaps, more of these types of things than the average person. You don’t have to accept them to live with them. This is the last I wish to hear of the matter. It is behind me, as it has to be, and it should be for you as well. I have not tried to justify why I did the things I did. The fact that I started with good intentions makes no difference. I’m simply tired of the hints and accusations. This is my say on the matter.