Here’s some C&C. My comments are in the italics. Feel free to disregard anything I say if you disagree with it. It’s your story, afterall. If you disagree with something I say, debate with me about it! I love discussion!
Prolouge
You have ‘Prologue’ spelled wrong. It’s probably just a typo, but you should fix it, as you don’t want the first thing your reader sees to be an error.
After the defeat of Meteor by the lifestream, the Planet began to settle down.
I’d capitalize ‘Lifestream’, because it looks a little awkward with just ‘Meteor’ and ‘Planet’ capitalized. But that’s just to make it more unified. I don’t believe it’s necessary.
Gradually the lifestream returned to underneath the crust. However the destruction of Midgar could not dissapear.
Disappear, not dissapear. Maybe you want to try “…the destruction of Midgar could not disappear so easily”? It would lead better into your description of the havoc in the aftermath.
Thousands had stayed there, believing first that Shrinra would protect them.
Take out the ‘first’ when saying why the people stayed there. ‘First’ indicates there’s going to be many more reasons following.
Once it became clear that this wasn’t going to happen only a few hundred left, most realizing that if Meteor hit, it wouldn’t matter where they were.
[i]Add a ‘However,’ at the beginning of this sentence to tie it better to the previous one. Add a comma after ‘happen’, and change the comma after ‘left’ to a period. Add ‘people’ after ‘Most’, and change ‘realizing’ to ‘realized’ to keep the tense constant. Take out the comma after ‘hit’. The new sentences should look like this:
However, once it became clear that this wasn’t going to happen, only a few hundred left. Most people realized that if Meteor hit it wouldn’t matter where they were.[/i]
Hundreds of thousands of people died in the battle between Meteor and Holy. Only a few thousand people survived it’s destruction as the upper plates collapsed under the pressure.
You use ‘thousand’ a couple of times there, so I’d suggest changing the second sentence to “Only a small percentage survived…”, as that would still include thousands based on your previous figure. “It’s” stands for ‘it is’, so what you’d want there is ‘its’. Personally, I’d change the word entirely to ‘the’, but that’s just my opinion.
Only hundreds survived.
But you just said thousands survived… Perhaps you meant only hundreds survived until they were rescued?
Meteor had carried some deadly monsters on board which were now loose in Midgar and the surrounding countryside.
Neat idea! It will certainly add some challenges later in the story for the heroes! Kinda reminds me of the Lunar Cry from FF8, but still really cool! I’d take out the ‘on board’ as it doesn’t really fit with the tone of the rest of the narration. To keep the pacing the same, you could say “Meteor had carried with it some deadly monsters which…”
That was when the first of the monster hunters (I’m not sure about the name yet, any suggestions would be appreciated) appeared.
Take out the author’s note, and insert it at the end. It disrupts the flow of your story, and that’s the last thing you’d want! If you really want people to know there’s something up add an asterisk (*) at the end of the title and next to your note at the bottom to let readers know in advance they’re connected.
They were mercenaries who went around the towns that had problems with monsters now that Shinra was gone, especially the new ones brought by Meteor.
[i]This sentence is really awkward. I can’t really pinpoint any one thing, except that it’s really wordy. Try something like this:
They were mercenaries who wandered from town to town, killing off the new monsters. Towns that had previously been under the protection of Shinra were grateful for their help after the company’s collapse.
Not necessarily what you’re looking for, but you should try and separate the ideas of introducing the group, and them being the replacement for Shinra (in this duty anyways).[/i]
Their only badge was a grey cloak they all wore.
Why a cloak? The only people we see wearing cloaks in the game are Vincent and the Clones, and it makes both of them stand out. It’s not a common article in the game’s time period, apparently. I’m not saying not to use it, just give the reader some explanation why. Readers like to get extra information! Feed us! :booster:
They didn’t charge more than could be easily afforded. The best of them was known simply as Caedo. He went only after the most deadly monsters, occasionly venturing into the now infested Midgar. He was also the cheapest, but he only ever went after the new monsters.
[i]I admit I’m a bit skeptical about this section. This would be a dangerous and highly valued job. Why would they be letting their services go so cheap? They’d need the money to keep up with the new and better equipment, as well as needing the usual things people get a job for.
You sort of teased us with Caedo there, so I assume we’ll learn more about him later. But connected to my last point: why would the mercenary with the most dangerous job be the cheapest? It would make more sense if he was the most expensive! He might do some on his own for the challenge, but if someone’s hiring him, I’d expect him to charge a fairly hefty price. Unless this is a plot point.[/i]
With the appearance of these, the new “Heroes of the Planet” could retire into where they wanted to go.
[i]You should have some sort of identifier after ‘these’, whether it’s ‘hunters’ or ‘mercenaries’, or something else. Take out 'into’and change ‘where’ to ‘wherever’.
I like the title for Avalanche![/i]
Barret went to Kalm with Tifa to get Marlene, then returned to help with the rebuilding of Coral while Tifa opened up a new bar. Elmyra decided to go with Barret to help with Marlene.
Why didn’t Barret go to get Marlene immediately? Even if he left her there again to help with the clean-up, you should indicate that somehow. Did Tifa remain in Kalm, or go with him to North Coral? It isn’t quite clear. I like the idea of Elmyra going to help Barret with Marlene, but the sentence is a bit abrupt. Perhaps, “Elmyra surprised them all when she decided…”
Cid returned to Rocket Town, where he immediately began two new projects: a new airship and a new rocket. Shera helped him out with the rocket, helping to coordinate the teams. He put her in charge of safety.
[i]So the Highwind is beyond repair then? Or does he just want an extra one? You should indicate that so the reader know what’s going on.
Why has he decided to build a new rocket? He’s already made it into space. Expand on it!
Good idea to put Shera in charge of safety! She’s definitely proved she knows what she’s talking about there! There’s something I can’t pinpoint (again) with the structure in that section though… The last sentence is too abrupt, so maybe you should try to incorporate it into the previous one. And is she coordinating the teams, or overseeing safety? Or both?
Don’t be afraid to give us details! FEED US!! :booster: :booster: [/i]
Red went to guard Cosmo Canyon. He continued to study the Cetra and his own heritage.
[i]This sounds way too formal. He’s going home! How about:
Red returned home to guard Cosmo Canyon. While there, he continued his studies of the Cetra and his own heritage.[/i]
Reeve was put in charge of finding a new power source.
[i]So Reeve survived? Remember, he was in Midgar when Meteor dropped. Tell us how he lived!
Who put him in charge? Would it be more of a personal mission?[/i]
He immediately returned to the use of coal, which helped out Coral and Barret in a big way.
[i]North Coral is in no condition to immediately begin mining coal. Their equipment is probably rusty from lack of use, and the town doesn’t have the resources to begin a costly operation without some sort of sponsor. How will Reeve/Barret acquire the funds?
How does it help Barret specifically? He’s back home helping to rebuild, but unless he’s been put in charge, it wouldn’t make sense to name him. The reader will make the connection. “A big way” doesn’t fit the tone of the narration, so it might be better to say, “…which greatly helped the economy of Coral.”[/i]
The Turks were now his bodyguards and their more illegal activities were halted.
Why do the Turks agree to this? Why does he need bodyguards?
Yuffie went back to Wutai with most of the materia. She quickly became bored so Godo had her ninja training intensified.
Good for Godo! It’ll also help Yuffie out a bunch later when they come across more difficult monsters!
And as for Cloud and Vincent…well they just disapeared.
Disappearing ‘p’ in disappeared!
Of course, everyone was kind of expecting that from Vincent and they suspected he gone either to the Shinra mansion or to Lucrecia’s cave. They decided to leave him be for the time beign.
‘Expecting’ is in the wrong tense, and the tone doesn’t match the rest of the story. Try: “It had been expected that Vincent would leave, and they suspected that he had left to either…” ‘They’ in the next sentence should be replaced with ‘It was’. Typo with the last word, beign=being.
But Cloud simply vanished. Tifa had checked out the City of the Ancient, just in case, but he wasn’t there, or at Nibelhiem.
Ancients should be plural, so add an ‘s’ at the end.
She had called up the others to see if he they knew where he was and was answere each time in the negative.
‘…see if he they…’ Take out the ‘he’. ‘Answere’ need a ‘d’.
It was a year after Meteor that she first began to get really worried. And that’s where the story begins.
It took her a year to get ‘really’ worried? Did something in particular happen at the one year mark to increase her worries?
Overall, an interesting beginning, but there are a lot of structural mistakes, and a general lack of detail. Go back and fill the detail in, and you should have a much better prologue. Keep writing, because practice makes perfect!
