Okay! I look forward to seeing what was going on there then! And thanks for not spoiling anything! I have no problem waiting to see the explanation behind things, just so long as I know there will be an explanation! 
Chapter 2
Tifaâs mind raced threw her memories, searching until it found one which it through up in front of her unconcious mind. She found herself once more inside her room in Nibelhiem. She had just being told what her mother was attempting to do. She didnât know what to think. Her mother had chosen to undertake something which was certain death. No one had been able to travel through the mountains since before she was born.
But her mother had gone, so they told her. Left to give it her best shot. Her thoughts had remained unclear for the day while she sat before her window, staring at nothing. At one point, Cloud had tried to visit her, but she had been too numb to even think about it before she answered no. Not that it would have made any difference, he was just the local weirdo and not someone considered cool enough to be in her circle of friends.
She had woken up the next day with a single thought in her head: she would follow her mother up there. Her mother could do it, she was stong enough to do anything. And if her mother could do it so could she. She had waited until she was sure her father had left for work, then had stood up and simply left. She hadnât allowed anyone the chance to argue with her about it. She had decided what she was going to do and nothing was going to make her change her mind.
So her friends had followed her for a while, out of some sense of loyalty possibly, though it was more likely they just didnât want to lose the most popular person in town. It hadnât been until she was around halfway towards the bridge that she had realized Cloud had followed her. He was moving much faster than her so he had managed to almost catch up with her on the bridge. He was going to follow her no matter where she went, it seemed.
She had felt the bridge begining to give, but had done nothing to try and save herself. She saw Cloud jump for her; saw him miss her hand by inches. And that was the last thing she remembered before waking up a week later and discovering that Cloud had been blamed for leading her up into the mountains. She had done nothing to shift the blame from him, and she regretted that later on. The main impact that fall had on her was that it drove a wedge between her and her circle, and made her interested in her weird neighbour. Thatâs why she agreed to meet him that night at the well.
It wasnât until much later on that she found âThey went over the mountainsâ was a euphimism for âThey died.â It was used when adults didnât want kids to know what they were talking about.
Tifa groaned as sunlight hit her eyelids. âWassat?â she mumbled, trying to ask what had happened. She tried to move and groaned as pain shot up her back.
âGood to see youâre awake there Teef, was getting kinda worried there for a while,â said Barret, who was, she saw as she opened her eyes, the one who had opened the curtains and let in the offending sunlight.
âAwake and in pain. How long have I been asleep? What happened? And where are we?â she asked
"Well, you been sleepinâ for âbout two days now. We were in Wutai for a day, but we moved back here to Kalm to plan. I tell ya, that Godo can be a real pain in the ass, he was complaininâ âcause we werenât movinâ fast enough. We had to come here, weâd never have got anything done there. As for youâre second question, wellâŚwhat dâya remember.
âUp until Yuffie was taken but not a thing after.â Suddenly she was overtaken by worry. âIs Cloud alright, what happened to him and Cait and Vincent after I passed out?â
âWell theyâre okay. They look a bit like shit, but theyâll recover. Before I forget, here.â Barret reached into his pocket and picked out a glowing orb of materia. âUse this Cure on yourself and ya might be able to walk for a while. But donât do too much, we want you awake for a while now. Weâre all down at the bar tryinâ to plan. By the way, did you know, you taught Marlene how to make some damn good cocktails. Sheâ been makinâ drinks in the bar for the day, since I decided that Kalm was safer for her anâ Elmyra for the moment. Thereâs a lot of rebuildinâ to be done at Corel, and the workmen ainât the best, so I donâ want Marlene playing in the rubble anâ gettinâ hurt. Hope thatâs alright with you, since I donâ want her back ther for a while.â
âItâs fine, Barret. You know I wouldnât turn her away.â She waited until he left, then used the materia on herself and felt the pain in her back recede. Somewhat. It still hurt to move, but at least she was able to. She got up and dressed and went down into the bar.
When she went down, the bar was empty except one guy passed out at a table in the corner. She didnât recall seeing him before, but that wasnât that unusual. What was unusual was the sword placed on the bench beside him. But she ignored it for the moment and went to sit with the others at the table furthest from the door. When she joined, taking the seat between Cid and Vincent, she quickly glanced over at Cloud to see if he was alright. Barret was right. He looked bruised, but it didnât seem serious.
âOkay, weâve got a serious problem.â Cloud said as she sat down. âWe have no real idea where that thing went carrying Yuffie. Red canât track it because it flies so we have no way of knowing where to go to get her back. We know which way it started, but thatâs not much. For all we know, it might have just gone one way for a while, then turned around completely.â
âAnd we damn well have to get her back. Sheâs a damned brat, but sheâs our damned brat.â Cid put in, after taking a long drag of his cigarette.
âYes but how? We donât know where to find her.â They were all staring at the drinks in their hands now, trying to think of a solution.
âI suggest we split up so we can cover more ground,â Red suggested.
âThat would not be a good idea,â came a voice from right behind her. She started to stand up, only to feel the edge of a sword come against her throat. She moved her eyes over enough to see that he had a gun in his other hand, pointed straight at Vincents head. She realised this had to be the passed out guy. âI expected better from you. Especially you Vincent.â
âIf you kill them, you are a fucking dead man,â Cloud said, looking at the man.
âIndeed. But the thing is, if I am working for your enemy, I donât care about that. Because I know that when the mistress returns she will grant me eternal life and you eternal pain. I know that nothing can stop her and I know that itâll be even easier if there are fewer of you. And my current master wouldnât want so many of you coming at him at once. So if I kill them, it will only mean that when my mistress returns, I will be raised up as her most loyal servant!â Suddenly the blade was pressed hard against her throat. What made it worse was that the pain in her back was building up again. Then the pressure eased. âTherefore it is fortunate for you that I am not.â
The blade was taken from her neck and she collapsed back into her chair. She turned and stared at the man who was returning to his seat to pick up his sheath, apparently ignoring the fact that everyone in the room bar her had their weapons out, ready to kill him in a heartbeat if he made a wrong move.
It was Cloud who moved over to him and placed his sword against the back of his neck. âGive me one reason I shouldnât kill you now,â he said in a dangerously soft voice.
âI understand you are in need of a tracker. I offer you my services. I have been tracking the monster that took the girl for a long time, so I will offer them for free.â
âHow dâyou know itâs the same one?â
The man shrugged. "I saw the fight. You arenât going to accept me. Very well. But know this, the one who commands this beast wants you to split up. He brought you together so he could gauge your reactions. And you may be sure he saw it, he would not have missed it for anything. He will wait and he will lay his traps while you search. Then he will come at you with his monsters. And once you go after him he will pick you off, one by one. He will do it himself, that is his way, but he will wait until you are weakened. However, he did not count on you having me. He was counting on time, and that may be what kills him.
âWhatâs your name?â
âYou may call me Zangan.â
That pulled up some painful memories. She didnât think she wanted to think of her old master every time she heard it. âYou better think up a different name, mister,â she growled.
âBut that is who I am to you. I shall prove it.â Then, gradually, before her eyes he began to age, until he was the same age Zangan was when he left her. His features remained the same in general, but they were aged. He was Zangan. She could see it. All he was missing was his scarlet cloak. He replaced the sheath on the table and came over.
âWhat are you?â she asked as she stared in disbelief. He smiled at her and sat down to talk.
âWhat am I?â he said quietly. âWell, itâs an interesting question certainly, if not the most important one. Although it is likely that you will not believe meâŚif you insist, I will answer.â He looked at her until she nodded, then carried on. âI am an Ancient.â He smiled slightly at their disbelieving gasps, then held up his hands to forstall any questions. âHowever, that is not to say Iâm a Cetra.â
Red cocked his head to the side slightly, interested in this statement. âAnd what, may I ask, do you mean by that?â
As he began to explain what he had said, he gradually returned to his original age and appearance.
âExactly what it says. To be a Cetra and to be an Ancient are two different things. Perhaps a bit of history would help. The Cetra were created billions of years ago, possibly at the same time as the Universe but certainly at the same time as the first Planet. They were created to move onto a Planet, and to help life thrive on it. They did not fully comprehend it for a long time, and some of those have lost the knowledge since then. They were a nomadic race of people, once a Planet was settled, they moved on, helping other Planets. However, when they arrived here, they discovered a unique situation - this Planet already had intelligent life on it.â
âYou are refering to humans I assume.â
He nodded and went on. "However, they were not the only race, there was another one here, formed from humanity, but no longer a part of it. The Ancients. We are the guardians of this Planet, we keep it safe from invaders, and in return, the Planet gives us certainâŚgifts. We can speak with the Planet, in a similiar way to the Cetra, though ours is a much more personal thing than theirâs was when they first arrived. Another is the gift of longevity. We have the ability to control our aging, and that little demonstation before, that allows us to live forever
âWhat do you mean exactly by âAllowsâ?â
He hesitated for a moment before going on, as if this wasnât something he liked to speak of. âThe Planet left a loophole for those who could get it. If one of us meets someone to whom we can say âI love youâ and mean it, in the deepest depths of our hearts, then we will be freed. If we were not, then we would grow to hate this Planet, and to view our immortality as a cage, rather than a gift. We cannot die, not of old age or illness. Though this is not to say we cannot be killed, because we can. As we found out against Jenova.â
âYou were in the fight against Jenova?â
He smiled sadly and nodded. âI have been alive for four and half thousand years, and I am the oldest of us. During my lifetime, or what should have been my lifetime, many terrible things happened because humanity refused to accept the Planetâs warnings to stop taking the lifestream.â He looked at them for a moment, gauging their reaction to the news that draining the Planet of itâs life essence wasnât something new. âNot for power sources, and not in the form of Mako. They didnât have the technology or understanding to create that. This was pure, unadulterated lifestream.â His voice dropped to a pained whisper. âI was the first they injected it into. I was an experiment, and judged to be a failure because the lifestream didnât appear to have an affect on me.â His voice pitch returned to normal as he continued, âThey didnât seem to realise that that was because I was doing no training. It did, however, have a less obvious affect on me. I became more volatile, more susceptible to my emotions. It was one of the unforeseen consequences of it.â
âI have never had any problems with that,â Cloud said suspiciously.
âThat is because you were injected with Mako which doesnât have quite the same affect as lifestream. You were also injected with Jenova cells, which have the opposite affect, suppressing emotion and pain. Anyway, once it became obvious to my observers that it was having an affect, they decided to try it again. This time, however, the Planet objected and created an earthquake to warn them. When they continued, it happened again, and again. Then, after the third time, there was a series of earthquakes which reshaped the earth completely and changed it to this.â
âNow wait a damn minute. If the Planet did that last time humans messed with it, how come it never happened this time?â Barret demanded.
âBecause this time it was necessary, to create Cloud, to create all of you.â
âThe Planet wanted us created?â he asked, confused.
âIt needed you created. There was no way it could stop Sephiroth being created short of another catastrophe, which was not something it wanted a repeat of. So it allowed this to happen. Had Shinra not existed as it did, none of you would be where you are now.â
âGuys, let him finish his story,â Tifa requested, and they complied.
âThree thousand years ago the Cetra arrived. They found a world which was recovering from a disaster, but still a world which teemed with intelligent lifeforms. They decided to stay and help rebuild. We offered them our protection, though at the time we numbered only two hundred. They instead stuck with a custom of theirs where, upon arrival on a new planet, they would select one species and aid itâs evolution until it became fully sentient and capable of defending itself. They would also have the instinct to protect them. After almost a century later they came out with the Fotia Oura, which translates as âFire tail,â.
They created you, Nanaki.â
Red looked stunned, though not as stunned as Tifa felt. The Cetra created you Red, how do you feel about that, she wondered.
âThey created me.â The Ancient across from him nodded, and slowly, Red nodded in return. âIt would agree with certain refrences in some of the records I have read. Continue, please.â
âVery well. Seven hundred years after that, Jenova arrived. We did not recognize her, but we didnât have much contact with her. She interacted more with the Cetra. This lasted almost a hundred years, until eventually she turned on them. A hundred years later, we discovered where she was and went after her. It took two weeks of battle for us to defeat her. After those two weeks, our numbers had been reduced to a dozen. I lost my sister in that battle, the only family I had left, and Jenova killed her. But we thought her destroyed, gone. We were wrong. Jenova, it seems is even harder to destroy than we are. She will return again, unless we find a way to destroy her completely. She is the mistress who will return, the one the master serves. But one problem at a time.â
âNow to the important question: do you accept me and what I just said, or do you kill me and attemp this on your own. I advise you decide quickly, whichever way you go. I will await your decision upstairs.â He moved back to his original seat and picked up his sheath and his holster. Before he left he threw a grey cloak over himself.
âYouâre a Monster Hunter!â she spoke up in shock.
âYes, all of the Ancients are. Currently, I am the one known as Caeda. I am both the leader of the Ancients and the Hunters, because they are one and the same. It is what we do. Remember, decide quickly.â He turned and started moving up the stairs as they began discussing his fate.
You did well, came a voice in his head.
Not well enough. I donât think they believe me. They may decide to kill me after all.
They wonât.
I thought you didnât force decisions on people.
I canât, and I wouldnât even if I could. I could, however, give them anâŚidea as to which way they want to go.
If you say so. He continued up the stairs until he reached an unused room. He undressed, then collapsed onto the bed and promptly fell asleep.
A/N: Chapter 2 is finished. Iâll deal with the others reactions in the next chapter.
Chapter 3
âI say we kick him out now, 'fore he does some real damage to us. You saw what he almost did to Tif and Vincent. The manâs a damn nut.â Barret was saying after going to check he was really gone, but Tifa wasnât sure what to think.
âBut he is my old teacher,â she protested.
âHe might be, but if he can do that thing with his age, who says he canâ do it with himself as well?â he countered, and she had no answer because she had been thinking that herself.
âI dunno,â Cloud said. âFrom what little I remember, he did seem to act quite like him as well.â
Red spoke up for him as well, saying âI am unable to track the beast who captured Yuffie. He is offering his aid, and if he is truly as good as he believes, then he should be able to lead us to them.â
âWhat dâyou think Cid?â Barret asket.
âGaah! I donât know. Damn, I wish Iâd brought some more cigarettes, Iâm gone all tense. Iâll go with what Red says, I guess, heâs probably right⌠How about you Vince?â
âI am undecided. But I can tell you one thing; nobody has been able to beat me that easily in a very long time. He drew his gun only as he spoke. And I believe that if we choose not to accept him, we will have to kill him. That would not prove easy, that is all I shall say.â
âReeve?â
âIâve been with Shinra too long to trust anyone that easily. I thinkâŚI think we should lock him up somewhere. I think he will betray us.â
âTifa, whatâs your final say in the matter?â Vincent asked.
âIâŚIâŚI think we have to accept him. We donât stand a chance of finding Yuffie otherwise.â For some reason that felt like it wasnât her thought, like it had been suggested by someone else. Someone inside her head. It was a disconcerting feeling.
âOk, weâll put it to a vote,â Cloud said. âAll in favor of keeping him, raise your hand.â His, Tifaâs, and Cidâs hands went up, and Red raised his head as a sign of acceptance. âThatâs four in favor, guess he stays.â
âFine, just donâ come cryinâ to me when he betrays us, 'cause Iâm just gonna say I told you so.â Barret said in response. âThis donâ mean I wonât keep my eye on him, though.â
âI will aid you in this Barret,â Vincent said. âBut right now, I would like some sleep.â
Tifa yawned, suddenly realising just how tired she really was. "Thereâs some rooms upstairs we can use. I keep 'em in case the inn is full, but since youâre here now, you can use them. Thereâs a stairway in the kitchen, come on, Iâll show you.
As she reached the last free room, she realised it was Cloud who was standing next to her.
âSo tell me Teefâ, do you really think heâs Zangan?â he asked her as she opened the door.
She paused to answer him. âI think so,â she said slowly. âSome of the ways he moved and things he saidâŚwell they reminded me of him.â
âYou donât think weâre making a mistake, do you?â he questioned her, seeming genuinely concerned about it.
âNo, I donât. We did what we had to to get Yuffie back. 'Night Cloud.â
âNight Teefâ. Sweet dreams.â
âYou too,â she responded, then returned to her own room and collapsed onto her bed, too tired to even undress before climbing in. Her last thought was that he had to be Zangan, they were too alike not to be.
A/N: Chapter 3 not finished.
Tifa woke with the sun streaming in against her eyelids. She groaned and turned over, putting a hand over her face to block it out. Eventually she forced her eyes open and looked at the clock on the mantlepiece. Eight in the morning. When she was done she went downstairs and still rubbing sleep from her eyes, set to making breakfast. She had to keep reminding herself that it was for more people now, more of everything to cook. It had been a long time since she had had to cook like this, for more than one. It felt like a return, almost, to old times. It felt bad, cooking with two members missing. It shouldnât be for eight. Itâs not fair, we should be all here, together. Itâs unfair, she thought savagely.
By the time she was finished, the others were all up exceptâŚexcept Zangan, she realized. She still had trouble thinking about that. Where was his honour? He had lied to her, lied about himself. She wondered, again, if he really was who he said he was. She knew they had no choice but to trust him to a certain degree, but still a small voice said in the back of her mind that he didnât deserve her respect, that he couldnât be Zangan, that everything last night had been a trick. She decided she would merely keep an eye on him.
She heard Cid and Barret shouting for food and smiled slightly to herself. Very like old times. She quickly finished readying breakfast then went inside and served it out. She glanced at the clock again. Nine, and Zangan still wasnât up. They all sat down and started eating. Barret and Cid seemed to be having a race as to who could finish first, while Cloud, Vincent, Reeve and Red ate more slowly, clearly thinking about the events of the previous night.
It was almost a half hour later, when almost everyone was finished eating that Zangan came down. He still looked exhausted, despite having gotten more sleep then any of the others. He caught them looking at him and smiled tiredly at them. âSorry, I didnât get much sleep for the couple of days before I came here. Too much to do beforehand.â
âOh yeah, like what?â Barret asked suspicously.
âLike making sure I knew where I was going, for one,â he responded.
âAnd you know?â Red questioned, also with a slight hint of suspicion in his voice.
âI already had an idea of where to go, and well, following a fresh trail is easiest. I went where I suspected heâd be, and saw signs of itâs passing. I had to come here as well. I didnât have any time for sleep.â
âHow did you get there so fast?â
âGold Chocobos are very handy things. Breeding them was also a way to pass the time while I waited for something to happen.â
âHow did you know where to go?â
âAs I told you, I have been tracking this particular monster for a long time, but Iâve been fighting itâs master for longer. I know most of his hideouts, now.â He raised his hands to his face and started rubbing his eyes. When he took his hands away he seemed slightly less bleary-eyed then before. âNow, I wonder if thereâs anymore of that breakfast left after these pigs were at it,â he added, jerking his head towards Cid and Barret.
She smiled slightly as they protested at this description, and went to get him his own breakfast. They were still arguing when she came back, and he seemed to be doing nothing to settle them down, merely sitting at the table and smiling, looking as if he was trying not to laugh. He isnât trying very hard, was all she could think, as she laid it before him. She noticed that he ate almost as fast as those two had, whatever he had said about them.
Hereâs some C&C for the latest parts! Sorry it took me so long!
Through should be threw here:
Tifaâs mind raced through her memories, searching until it found one which it through up in front of her unconcious mind.
An interesting take on what happened when Tifaâs mother died! It makes perfect sense too! Iâd always assumed that the mountains had something to do about the lore of the afterlife in Nibelheim, but this idea fits much better!
She had woken up the next day with a single thought in her head-she would follow her mother up there.
You should make it either a double dash, or a colon. Right now it just looks like youâre trying to make a compound word.
It hadnât been until she was halfway around towards the bridge that she had realized Cloud had followed her.
Remove the âaroundâ, or put it before âhalfwayâ. Right now, it doesnât make much sense.
He was going to follow her no matter where she went, it seemed, if he wasnât able to convince her to go back.
Why would she think he was going to try and convince her to go back? And the sentence seems a bit long, so you might want to put the last section on its own, or replaced the last comma with a semi-colon.
She had felt the bridge beggining to give, but had done nothing to try and save herself.
If she doesnât realize at this point that âgoing over the mountainâ means dying, why wouldnât she try to save herself? If she gets hurt, she wonât be able to catch up with her mother.
Beggining should be Beginning.
She saw Cloud jump for her, saw him miss her hand by inches and that was the last thing she remembered before waking up a week later to discover Cloud was been blamed for leading her up into the mountains.
Woah! Really long sentence there! Hereâs a suggestion for a different structure (wording changes bolded as well as italicized):
She saw Cloud jump for her; saw him miss her hand by inches. And that was the last thing she remembered before waking up a week later, and discovering that Cloud had been blamed for leading her up into the mountains.
The main impact that fall had on her was that it drove a wedge between her and her circle, who hadnât been brave enough to follow her completely, and made her interested in her weird neighbour, though she wouldnât acknowledge him publicly until that night on the well.
Another really long sentence here. Iâd omit the âwho hadnât been brave enough to follow her completelyâ, as that would be implied. And Iâd change the last part of the sentence as well. After all, meeting him there at night, alone, isnât exactly publicly. Perhaps: âThatâs why she had agreed to meet him that night at the well.â
One other thing; it wasnât until much later on that she found that when people said âThey went over the mountainsâ what the actually meant was, âThey died.â They used it when they didnât want kids to know what they were talking about.
This is a bit awkward, especially starting with âOne other thingâ. That makes it sound like thereâs a specific narrator involved here. These are supposed to be highlights of the memories that Tifaâs mind are touching. Perhaps: âAnother moment, how it wasnât until much laterâŚâ
Also, to compress it a bit more: ââŚshe found out that âthey went over the mountainsâ was a euphemism for âthe diedâ. It was used when the adults didnât want kids to know what they were taking about.â
Tiff, as in short for Tiffany? I assume this means you pronounce Tifaâs name âTih-faâ, not âTee-faâ? If this isnât the case, take out the second âfâ, so itâll be pronounced âTeefâ.
When Tifa just wakes up and asks all her questions, you have âheâ instead of âsheâ asks.
What did Godo do to make them leave Wutai so quickly? Especially with someone injured? And whereâs âhereâ?
âŚreal pain in the ass And as for question two, well what dâya remember?"
Youâre missing a period. And what happened was question one. Question two, was how long have I been asleep (which was answered), and question three was where are we, which he neatly dodged.
âThey look a bit shit, but theyâll recover.â
A bit like shit.
"Use this Cure on yourself and ya might be able to walk for a while.
I assume this is a reference to the beginning of the game when Barret canât make heads or tails out of the materia? Good job! And thank you for not making materia a âcure-allâ. That would take away from the story a lot!
How old is Marlene? I didnât think this was that long after the game, so she wouldnât be near old enough to run the bar. Maybe in the slums, but not in Kalm. Thanks for giving us an explanation why sheâs there though! I donât think Barret would be so âsheâs staying here, deal with itâ-like, which is what comes across. Despite his gruff exterior, he strikes me as the type of guy who would want to make sure he wasnât imposing. He may not change his mind about Corel, but heâd find alternate arrangements in Kalm.
âWe have no real idea where that thing went carrying Yuffie. Red canât track it because it went over the sea so we have no way of knowing where to go to get her back.â
Red also wouldnât be able to track it, as it flew, instead of going over the ground. But couldnât they try travelling in the direction it took off towards? They did see that much, at least.
Are they all facing the wall when the guy threatens Tifa and Vincent? Thatâs the only reason I can think that nobody saw the guy coming towards them, and I doubt theyâd do something so foolish. So what happened?
âAnd my current master wouldnât want so many of you coming at him at once.â
If the group is crowded around a table, their weapons are going to be getting in the way of each other. Do they stand up and spread out?
If the enemy wants them to split up, why call them all together in the first place? After all, they were already to split up. Why not build up his traps while they are unaware he exists?
I donât understand Tifaâs reaction to Zanganâs name. After all, she canât assume that her old master is the only one who ever had it. Maybe have her startle at the familiar, but uncommon, name?
If someone just proved to me they were a shapeshift of some sort, Iâd be dubious if they claimed to be someone I trusted from my past. But perhaps Tifa is the more trusting sort.
Nice Cetra/Ancient distinction there! I think I remember you mentioning something about this earlier⌠And itâs good to get some history in here!
âYou are reffering to humans I assume.â
Referring.
He nodded and went on. "However, they were not the only race, there were another race here, formed from humanity, but no longer a part of it.
Were should be was. Replace the second âraceâ with âoneâ. Since the word is in the sentence once already, and is referring to the same thing, thereâs no need to repeat it.
We have the ability to control our aging, the little demonstation there is what it is, and that allows to live forever, at least in theory."
ââŚthat little demonstration before, that allows us to live forever.â
Cut off the end of the sentence. âAllowsâ implies that itâs not necessary. The add on of âin theoryâ implies that certain people are not allowed, not that they can be released if they no longer wish to be immortal. Perhaps have someone ask if they can die at all, which would lead to the explanation of the loop-hole.
Nice explanation on the different reactions from Lifestream, Mako, and Jenova cells.
This time, however, the Planet objected and created an earthquake to warn theml.
Theml=them.
Then after the third time there was a series of earthquakesâŚ
Put a comma after time.
How did the planet know Cloud wouldnât turn into another Sephiroth?
But they still decided to stay and help rebuild. We offered them our protection, though at the time we numbered only two hundred.
Take out âbutâ and âstillâ. Combine the two sentences by changing the period into a comma and adding in a âsoâ immediately after.
They instead stuck with a custom of theirs upon arrival on a new planet. They would select one species and aid itâs evolution until it became fully sentient and capable of defending itself, which would also have the instinct to protect them.
ââŚcustom of their where upon arrival on a new planet, they would selectâŚâ
End the sentence at âitselfâ. Change the last section so itâll stand on itâs own.
Only two days to defeat Jenova? This was when she was at full strength, and a full-fledged threat to the planet. Donât be afraid to make it take a long time.
Poor Zanganâs been through some rough spotsâŚ
But who is the master? (I know, itâll be revealed later⌠:get it?
Zanganâs going to let them kill him? Wouldnât he say âtry to killâ? Didnât he collect his sheath earlier, when Cloud threatened him?
Ah! The secrets of the MHâs are revealed at last! I guess they donât need much money for survival if theyâre immortal. Theyâve probably accumulated enough, or donât need that much to survive.
Hmmm⌠mysterious ominous voice. I guess weâll find out more about that laterâŚ
Zanganâs awful relaxed for someone who thinks the people near him might kill himâŚ
Chapter 3
âHe might be, but if he can do that thing with his age, who says he canâ do it with himself as well?â he countered, and she had no answer because she had been thinking that herself.
Ah! They have thought about that. Excellent!
âI dunno,â Cloud said. âFrom what I remember, he did seem to act quite like him as well.â
How much would Cloud have seen of him though? From what I can tell, Zangan arrived in Nibelheim after Cloud left for Shinra, so theyâd only have the brief meeting right before the town burned, and whenever he turns up in-game.
âIâve been with Shinra too long to trust anyone that easily. I thinkâŚI think we should kill him now. I think he will betray us.â
I canât see Reeve suggesting to kill anyone. After all, he was completely against dropping the plate. I can see him being distrustful, and suggesting locking the man up, but not killing.
Theyâre all saying they have no chance of finding Yuffie without him, but I havenât seen that theyâve even tried. I canât see them accepting him with all these doubts unless theyâve made a concentrated effort.
âFine, just donâ come cryinâ to me when he betrays us, 'cause Iâm just gonna tell you I told you so.â Barret said in response.
ââŚjust gonna say I told you so.â
Tifa must be really tired if sheâs specifying that the upstairs rooms are upstairs. :fungah:
âSome of the ways he moved and things he said, well they reminded me of him.â
Put an ellipse (âŚ) after âwellâ to show a pause.
And theyâre all really relaxed considering thereâs someone they donât trust on the premisesâŚ
âMantle pieceâ should be one word.
The two missing people are Aeris and Yuffie, I take it?
The first paragraph has a lot of asides in the sentence structure, which can make it very awkward. Read through it again, and try to weed out whatever you donât feel is necessary.
I assume since Tifa is so upset that the previous days revelation directly contradicted something Zangan had told her while they were training? Otherwise, he wouldnât have lied to her. As her teacher, he wouldnât have been required to tell her anything about his personal life at all. If there are direct contradictions, why didnât she call him on them the previous night?
It was almost a half hour later, when almost everyone was finished eating whenâŚZangan came down.
Take out the ellipse, and replace the âwhenâ before it with âthatâ.
He was still looking exhausted, despite getting more sleep then any of the others.
âWas still lookingâ should be replaced with âstill lookedâ to keep the tense constant. âGettingâ should be replaced with âhaving gottenâ.
âSorry, I didnât get much sleep for the couple of days before I came here. Too much to do beforehand.â
ââŚmuch sleep for (the few)/(a couple of) days beforeâŚâ
âI already had an idea of where to go, and well, following a fresh trail is easiest. I didnât follow it all the way but Iâve been there before. I know where he is.â
So heâs already tracked the fresh trail? In two days, heâs found the trail, tracked it, and made it back to Kalm? Maybe you should make that time interval a bit longerâŚ
Interesting developments. The main problem seems to be time compression (things happening too quickly). Whether itâs travel, fights, or trust, things are moving along very fast, so donât be afraid to slow things down. Youâre getting better with adding in the necessary details, but there are still a couple of rough spots with it.
Youâve gotten me curious who the âmasterâ and the âominous voiceâ are! Looking forward to seeing what happens!
Ok Jade, good C&C, glad to get feedback, but erâŚthe trust thing is part of the ominous voice part. Read it and youâll see it implies a certain influence over people. Thereâs is actually only two or three choices for the voice: The Planet, The Master or Jenova. If heâs evil, one of latter, if heâs good the former. I know which, but hopefully, you havenât guessed yet.
The contradictions for Zangan were more things like not lying and honour, and he had lied to her about pretty much everything. See above again for reason she didnât question him about them. I know this seems to cover a lot of plot holes, so I changed it that she wouldnât seem so trusting.
Again, thank you very much for the C&C, itâs really helpful. And youâre right, the Master will be revealed later.
Glad to be of help!
Trust thing: Okay, I thought that might be the case, but the impression I got from the voice seemed to be that it could influence, but hadnât yet. I see now that thatâs not the case.
I have to admit, Iâm leaning towards Zangan being evil, because right now heâs just âtoo good to be trueâ. :get it?:
Iâm still not sure why Zangan would have ever had to lie to Tifa. Could you give me a specific example? All she would have to know about him before was that he was her teacher. I do like how you changed Tifa to be less trusting about him though!
Thanks for the clarification on that stuff!
The Ancient finished his meal quickly and sat back with his eyes closed. He opened them after a moment and looked at them all, one by one. âI take youâve chosen to accept my offer then.â
âWhat makes you think that?â Tifa asked.
âThe fact that I am still alive was a clue, and the fact that you served me breakfast. Itâs not the normal practice for someone you arenât allowing to join you.â
âFair enoughâŚZangan.â She hesitated over using that name as it felt wrong to her, calling a man who seemed twenty the name he had used as her master when he pretended to be sixty. All a lie. She suspected that the things he had told her about himself were lies, stories made up to cover his trail. She wasnât sure sheâd ever get over that slight stumble.
He faced her, suddenly serious. He stared at her for a moment longer then said, âYou may call me Caeda if you prefer.â
She felt both relieved and slightly ashamed that he had caught onto her hesitation and the reason for it. âThanks.â
Vincent interrupted this with the more pressing question, âWhere is our companion?â
âNorth. The mountains to the north of Bone Village, surrounding the snow plains. It is near the cave you followed Sephiroth through, if I am correct.â There was a brooding look in his eye as if he was thinking of something heâd rather forget. âJust in case, weâd better take up the trail where I turned back from it.â
âRight,â Cloud said, âWeâd better start making some preparations. Those mountains were pretty cold last time we were there, so weâd better get some warmer clothes.â
âWould you mind if I left to do a few things of my own first?â Caeda asked. It felt easier thinking of him like that than as Zangan.
âYes, actually. Just donât leave without someone with you. Just because we accept you doesnât mean we trust you.â
âFair enough, I suppose. Excuse me, then, I take it you wonât want my presence for your planning.â He got up from the table without waiting for an answer and went back upstairs. Tifa turned away to the business of getting ready. Cloud was right about those mountains, this time she was determined to go with at least some sort of proper clothing for the climate. She settled in to discuss what they would need, and what they could take.
Pretty good section! Itâs great to see that theyâre not trusting Caeda completely, and that theyâre going to get supplies for the journey. It will be interesting to see how the mistrust between Tifa and Caeda works out; if itâll cause a rift, or be healed easily.
Iâm not sure if you should use the Chocobo Sageâs house as a geographical reference. Players can be expected to know about a solitary residence in the middle of nowhere, but characterâs canât be. Even if both Caeda and Avalanche know about the existence of the Chocobo Sage, I donât think Caeda would assume the others know. Itâs a pretty obscure fact. North of Bone Village should be adequate, or some other landmark. Itâs also kinda suspicious that he knows the route they took following Sephiroth, but I can see that being a plot thingâŚ
Needing rest again so soon after getting up would also be viewed as extremely suspicious. Why get up if youâre going to need to rest again immediately?
The rescue seems to be coming up soon! Either that or something else is going to delay them. Itâll be interesting to see whatâs going to happen next.
Tifa walked into the bar and dropped her shopping on the table. She was the first to return. Her back had started to hurt again, so she had decided she wanted to get back quickly. It wasnât the sharp pain of yesterday, it was more of a dull throb, but it was nevertheless annoying her and she didnât want it to get any worse. She collapsed into a chair and let out a long sigh of relief as the throb became duller again, and the pain eased.
âHere girl, catch.â She reacted instinctively, reaching up and grabbed the materia out of the air before it hit her. She looked up to see Caeda getting up out of a chair in a shadowy corner. âGood to see your reflexes are still sharp. Go on, you wonât be any use in that condition. Itâs a pity we canât rest anymore butâŚâ. He shrugged. She glanced down at the materia and saw it was Cure. She used it and felt the pain vanish completely. For the moment anywayâŚfor the momentâŚ
âThanks,â she smiled slightly at him. The smile vanished as she comtemplated the question that had being bugging her all day. âCaedaâŚhow did you know the route we used to follow Sephiroth?â
âI followed you.â There was no hint of apology in his voice as he said it, he was merely stating a fact. An answer, cold and hard. âFrom the City of the Ancients to the first time you entered the Northern Crater I followed you. After that I hadâŚother duties to attend to.â
âWhy?â
âBecause I had to make sure you made it there.â He grinned at her suddenly. âDid you never consider how you reached Holzoffâs cabin after you passed out?â
She blinked in surprise, taken aback at the assumption in his voice that sheâd believe him. She didâŚfor the most part. Still, it wasâŚdifficult. âThat was you?!â
He shrugged. âWell, me and Holzoff.â
She blinked. Again. âIs he an Ancient too then.â
He looked away, and for a second she got the feeling a raw spot had being uncovered within the man standing in front of her. For just a moment she saw something elseâŚjust a moment, and it was gone as suddenly as it came. âNot anymore. He is one of the three who are still alive and faced Jenova. But he found his way out.â
âThe woman in Icicle Inn Village?â
âYes, Nix is her name. AndâŚwell, they are in loveâŚâ
âThen whyâs he down by the great glacier?â
âHe went down there for a challenge. He was growing bored with his life as it was. He stayed because I asked him to. We still managed to keep up our friendship. And now heâs returning to her. He left when Cloud was taken from you He no longer had a reason to stay.â
âHow much were you involved in our quest?â she asked, slightly taken aback by the information in front of her. âHow many of you helped us?â
He laughed at her startlement. âMyself, Holzoff, Tseng-â
Her face went pale and she slumped slightly. She feltâŚwell, she felt sick. âTsengâŚTHE Tseng, who kidnapped Aeris was one of you?â
He nodded, looking almost depressed again. âHe was a good man put in a far too difficult situation. He had to make sure no-one got suspicous, but we had to know more of what was happening in Shinra. He died for his effort.â
âThatâs why he gave us the key isnât it.â He nodded. âBut then why did he kidnap Aeris?â
He shrugged âHe had no choice. If he hadnât there would have been so much that would have been changed, so much that would never have happened. Things had to follow a certain course or everything would have collapsed. And it could have happened, by God it could have happened so many times Iâm truly amazed it didnât. But he had to fight that fight. Just as I have to fight my own.â
âWhy did you do this? Why do you fight?â she questioned him quietly.
He turned away from her and said in a pained voice. âDuty, Tifa. A promise.â Then so quietly she almost didnât hear, " And the difference between me and him."
âYou and who?â Silence. âWhat promise? What duty? What are you talking about?â She said, becoming more forceful with each question. Then she heard some of the others returning. Vincent, Red and Cloud walked in the door talking quietly amongst themselves. They said hi to her and nodded toward Caeda, who had put on his mask of composure again, as if he didnât want anyone to see a weakness.
The others came in slowly, with bigger gap in between. Barret and Cid were the last to return, both puffing slightly. ââŚGetting old, Barret,â Cid was saying as they came in.
Barret snorted. âGetinâ lung cancer more like.â
Once everyone else had returned Cloud spoke up. âEveryone get some sleep. Tomorrow we leave for the North.â Then he turned to Caeda. He had seen Tifa looking agitated when he had come in, and that had made his suspicions surface again, slightly stonger than before. âAnd you, you better not be lying to us, or I promise you, you will not survive this.â
Caedaâs only reaction to this was to turn and go upstairs. The others soon followed, but Tifa lay awake for a while, wondering what Caedaâs reason for fighting really was. She had decided that he was her old master, though how she could be as sure as she was, she couldnât really say but she felt that if she knew his reasoning, she might be able to mend to break that had come between them. Only time would tell. Eventually, she fell into a fitful sleep broken by nightmares of was to come.
A.N.: Sorry for not updating, stupid computer ate it when I was about to last time which sort of put me off. Anywho, chapter 3 finished, on to chapter 4!
Chapter Four
Tifa finished gathering her clothes into her pack and went down into the bar to join the others. Caeda and Vincent had the smallest packs with only enough room, it seemed to her, for one change of clothes. Barretâs was the largest, though she suspected that was just through his inability to pack things in any semblance of order than the amount of clothes he was bringing.
âEveryone here?â Cloud asked, looking around. Once he got confirmation that they were all there he turned to Caeda. âWhere should we go to pick up the trail.â
âOs point, the headland south-east of Bone village is where I turned back.â
âRight, thatâs where weâre going. Cid, is youâre airship ready?â
âDamnit, hasnât it gotten through to your spikey-assed brain yet that my airshipâs always ready to fly,â Cid replied.
âRight.â Suddenly Cloud grinned at him. âLetâs mosey.â Cidâs mouth fell open and he looked about in disbelief until he realized Cloud was laughing at him.
âDamn numbskull kidâŚâ his mutterings trailed off into general, barley heard cursing.
âLetâs get going then, shall we,â Vincent said.
They nodded and went outside. Tifa shivered slightly as she stepped outside; fog had rolled in off the sea during the morning and wouldnât burn off for a while now. It was strange (and she would have been freaked out had she not had experience with far worse) the fog deadened noise, in a way that made anything from beyond a few yards off sound muffled as if heard through a thick blanket of droplets.
Before they left, she locked the door and put the key under the flowerpot for the workers to find when they arrived in the evening. After that they left Kalm and walked for about half an hour before the airship came into view. Tifaâs eyes widened at the sight of it. It was a sleeker, better armoured, chrome jet.âGodâŚCid, that is one fine piece of craftsmanship.â
He looked proudly at his creation. âYou got that right. Took me a while and I had to take some parts from Highwind, butâŚSheâs called Avolare.â
âWhy?â
Cid laughed, slightly embarressed. âIt means fly free. Thatâs what Iâve always wanted, ya know.â He shrugged uncomfortably. âWhat?â
âI just didnât know you had it in you, Cid.â
âYeah, wellâŚâ
âItâs a nice name, Cid. I like it,â she said, smiling at him.
They quickly boarded after that and gathered in the cockpit for take off. âOkay boys and girls, strap yourselves in 'cause youâre in for one hell of a ride.â That said, Cid started up the engines and soon they were flying over the ocean toward their destination.
Vincent walked through the new jet, his leather boots making no sound on the metal walkways. Still very similiar to the Highwind. On the inside, few things ever change, he thought as he walked. He obseved the few changes that were there with some admiration, pausing to examine the way the shape changed throughout to give it the best aerodynamics it had the potential for.
He paused as he heard a clanging sound from up ahead. He moved forward smoothly, placing his human hand on the butt of his gun. As he moved into the next area, he reached the source of the noise. Looking down into an empty chocobo stable, he saw Caeda practicing his swordplay. He paused once more to watch.
Slash, cut, parry, turn and slice, pull back and block, kick, reverse the blade, slice behind, turn and slash, revert blade, block, step in and stab, turn and slice. Each movement was done smoothly, each one flowing into the nextVincent had to admit, it was impressive. Then he crouched down and took one hand from the sword down onto the gun at his side.
Vincents eyes widened as he watched him draw his gun and start shooting blanks. The gun was held at a slight angle as he turned to face each target, never quite locking the arm. Duck, cut, turn and shoot. Then heâd turn to the side and shoot again, before leaping to the side and rolling upright. He paused for a moment, the whirled 'round and shot again. It was odd, how each movement seemed timed to actual enemies.
But what really got to Vincent was the style. Not the style of sword fighting, that was common among all good swordsmen, and while being interesting to watch, wasnât what was on his mind. No, it was the way he had held the gun and the way he had practiced with it that had surprised him. Because he had seen it once before, a very long time ago. Just who are you, Caeda?
âCloud, I wish to speak with you about the man calling himself Caeda.â Cloud looked up to see Vincent staring at him with his disquietingly intent stare.
âWhat about him?â he asked.
Vincent paused as if trying to think of the words. âI amâŚnot entirely certain, but I think I know him from somewhere. I have being watching him practice with his weapons, and when he started practicing with his gun I felt almost certain.â
Cloud smiled slightly. âAlmost certain?â
Vincent nodded. âHis looks are also somewhat similiar to someone I once knew, a long time ago.â
âHow long is a long time?â
âBefore I joined the Turks.â
Cloud whistled slightly. âThatâs quite a while alright. How did you know him?â
âHe was part of the gang I was a member of in my youth. Not the leader, but definitely one of the best. I also remember that while he was trustworthy, he was a person who was given toâŚoutbursts. Usually they ended in violence, and the person on the other end of them injured.â
âAnd usually it was over something as small as an overheard conversation, eh my old companion?â They both turned to see the object of their conversation standing behind them. For a moment after they turned, Cloud did see anger in his eyes, vying with something else, something that looked to Cloud like fear, fear of what, he couldnât tell, just fear. âVincent, would you mind speaking to me alone for a moment. I wish to discuss the plan I have with you.â Vincent got up and left with him, though Cloud noticed he kept his hand on his Death Penalty. Cloud sat for a moment, then got up and went to look for someone to talk to.
Tifa sat at the window, watching the blue-green sea flying by below them. She saw the waves caused by the slipstream of Cidâs low flight, being remade each second. She could feel the throbbing caused by the engines, so like a heartbeat that she couldnât help wondering, briefly, if there wasnât some truth in Cidâs constant claims that machines could be alive, if enough care was given to them.
She looked up at the sound of footsteps coming in her direction, then smiled as she saw it was Cloud. The smile faded as she saw the troubled look in his eyes.
âYouâre still worried about him, arenât you?â she asked, quietly.
âYeah. I try not to be, butâŚyeah. I canât help feeling like weâre walking into a trap of some kind. I meant what I said. If this is a trap, I intend to see him dead, no matter what happens.â
âAnd if it isnât?â
âThen weâll be fine and thereâll be no reason and Iâll look like an idiot as usual, but there you go.â
âYou donât look like an idiot.â She smiled slightly and added, âMost of the time, anyway.â
âSure Tifâ, whatever you want to think,â he said laughing. Then he fell back into brooding. âDâyou know whatâs strange about him, Tifâ.â She shook her head and he continued. âHe refuses to get angry. Itâs not like we were trying to provoke him, but he walked in on me and Vincent discussing him. I expected him to be angry, or dissapointed or something. And he was, I think.â He frowned and went on. "But not only was he angry, just for a second, I thought he was afraid of something. It was weird. Heâs hiding something, I think. Iâm not sure what, but I hope we find out before it bites us."He seemed truly troubled by what he said.
She reached up and patted his shoulder. âItâll be alright Cloud.â
Suddenly Cidâs voice was heard over the intercom. âAlrighty then, strap yourself in, everyone, weâre gettinâ ready to land this jet.â
Cloud looked at her, his eyes serious. âHere we go, Tifa; here we go again.â She nodded in agreement before getting ready to land.
A/N: Still no. 4.
The jet landed with little trouble, hovering briefly above the ground before touching down. A stairway was extended down and the passengers disembarked, Cid leaving instructions with the new crew for tests to be done to see how she was holding up after the first few flights. He also warned them to defend it, or heâd come back and kick their asses so hard theyâd kiss the moon! It would have being funny,Tifa thought, if he hadnât seemed serious about it.
Caeda looked around briefly, then pointed to some cliffs a little way up their path. âThatâs where I saw them last.â He paused then pointed toward a patch of ground near edge of the strand. âI think the dragon was going to go in that direction for a while before turning West. As far as I could tell, it wishes to avoid any unneccesary tracks. Or perhaps more accurately, whoever is ordering it wishes that.â He turned to face Cloud. âWhere do you wish to begin looking then, oh mighty leader.â He said, half-mockingly.
Cloud ignored the jibe and said after some brief thought, âJust above the strand. Itâll be easier to find out if youâre right by checking there first. If not, weâll come back and start up those cliffs.â Caeda nodded acceptance and started toward the indicated area. They reached it without incident and Caeda ordered them to spread out and look for tracks. Tifa searched quietly bending occasionally to check out a track before dismissing it for one of monsters who roamed this area. She was still looking when she heard Barrets deep voice cut through the air.
âI think I got it, or if I donât then weâre in some major shit, 'cause this is a hell of a lot bigger than any track I ever saw before.â
They quickly gathered around him, Caeda at the front, searching it with his eyes. A faint frown creased his forhead. âWhatâs wrong, isnât this what weâre looking for?â Tifa asked nervously.
âItâs not that, itâs justâŚwell, it just seems a bit obvious, more clear then I had believed it would be.â
âWhatâs that mean?â Barret asked.
âIt means that the one who commands here may be better prepared then I had originally thought. It means we could be in some pretty deep shit anyway.â
âWhat now?â Vincent asked.
âWeâll follow the way the tracks are leading. Iâm sure now of their destination, so weâll be able to move pretty quickly.â
âThen lead on.â Cloud said.
Caeda nodded, still looking at the print in the ground. Then he turned away and started them leading toward the mountains.
Okay, Iâm not normally one toâŚerâŚquadruple post but I mean come on! Please, someone post something. Preferably not death threats thought.
Also Val, if you happen to read this, are you ever going to update your origins story?
This C&C applies to post #30 only! Iâll try to get around to the others later this week! Sorry for the long delay!
Tifa walked into the bar and dropped her days shopping on the table.
Omit âdaysâ, as we would assume it is her shopping from the current day. If you do decide to keep it in, add an apostrophe, because right now itâs plural instead of possessive, which makes it seem like she was shopping for several days straight!
She was the first to return, as her back had started to hurt again.
âAsâ should be âandâ. Right now it seems to say that she knows that sheâs the first one to return because the pain in her back told her so. :hahaha;
She looked up to see Caeda getting up out of a chair in the shadows of the corner.
Thereâs nothing grammatically wrong with this phrase, but it is a bit awkward⌠Maybe âin the shadowy cornerâ?
âThanks,â she smiled slightly at him. The smile vanished as she comtemplated the the question that had being bugging her all day. âCaedaâŚhow did you know the route we used to follow Sephiroth.â
You have two 'theâs next to each other in the second sentence.
I like how sheâs still thinking things over and questioning what doesnât add up!
ââŚHe is one of three who still live and faced Jenova.â
It should be âone of the threeâ. Also, the end is awkward. Maybe if you try something like: âHe is one of the three left alive who had faced Jenova.â Just a suggestion.
[b]âBut he found his way out.â
âThe woman in Icicle inn?â
âYes, Nix is her name.â[/b]
The details of that part of the game are a bit fuzzy, so I just wanted to check if thereâs a reason Tifa would automatically assume the inn lady. Does she mention him, or him her? If not, why does she come to that conclusion immediately?
âTseng was one of you.â
The conspiracy grows! BWAHAHAHA! :mwahaha:
âŚ
ahem
Nice change of pace to have this as a flat statement instead of a question!
[B}âThatâs why he gave us the key isnât it.â He nodded. "âBut then why did he kidnap Aeris?â [/b]
Double opening quotation mark in the second speech.
But he had to fight that fight. Just as I have my own."
Itâs a wonderful sentiment expressed here, but the two sentences arenât quite grammatically equal, which would make it sound much better. There are a couple of ways it could be âfixedâ.
The way that would leave it the closest would be if you inserted âto fightâ between âhaveâ and âmyâ, making the second half of the speech, âJust as I have to fight my own.â
Alternatively, you could almost completely change the words, but get the meaning across by saying something like, âBut that was his fight, and this is my own.â
âYou and who?â Silence. âWhat promise? What duty?â Then she heard the others returning. They walked in the door talking quietly amongst themselves. They said hi to her and nodded toward Caeda, who had put on his mask again, as if he didnât want anyone to see a weakness.
It would be nice to get some indication of her tone here. Is she still questioning quietly, or has she become more urgent. Iâm imagining her getting more forceful as she asks each question, but that doesnât match up with how the others react when they come it.
Also, why are the others returning all as one group, while Tifa returned alone? It might be better if they straggle in one at a time, or in small groups. Donât be afraid to let more time elapse. It would also help add a link between this section and the next one.
Remember: FEED US! :booster: :booster:
Cloud spoke up. âEveryone get some sleep. Tomorrow we leave for the North.â He turned to Caeda. âAnd you, you better not be lying to us, or I promise you you will not survive this.â
This seems to come out of nowhere. The others arrive and immediately a decisionâs made. They should go through the supplies and make sure that they have everything they need.
Also Cloudâs threat to Caeda seems to be out of character. I could see him saying this sort of thing at the beginning of the game, but not by the end. If some interaction was added in between, or he saw Tifa getting herself upset over her conversation with Caeda, then I can see him making the threat, as it would be his protective instincts causing it. Right now heâs simply being the agressor and making an unprovoked attack.
She had decided that he was her old sensei, but she felt that if she knew that, she might be able to mend to break that had come between them.
Is there a particular reason youâve decided to use âsenseiâ at this point? All times previous youâve called him her teacher or master. It sounds awkward right now because youâve never used it before. Iâd suggest either sticking with what youâve already used, or going back and changing the others.
Most of this sentence is quite awkward. If youâre trying to express her current thoughts and feelings, it should be: She had decided that he was her old teacher, and she felt that, now that she knew that, she might be able to mend the break that had come between them.
If youâre trying to express what she thought before she decided he was her old teacher: She had decided that he was her old teacher. Before, she had felt that, if she knew who he was for certain, she might be able to mend the break that had come between them. Now only time would tell.
Just suggestions, of course.
Eventually, she fell into a fitful sleep broken by nightmares of what might soon be to come.
It might be a good idea to replaced âmightâ and âbeâ with âwasâ. It would be understood that since Tifa isnât a seer that these would just be her mindâs imaginings, and not necessarily what would actually happen.
We get some interesting information in this section, but you really need to flesh out the end of it. Details are important, so donât be afraid to add them in! Try putting in as much detail as you can from now on, and if itâs too much you can always scale back. Trying the two extremes might help you reach a balance!
Thanks again :). Yeah, I know, I have a serious problem with not fleshing my stories out >.>;. Itâs quite annoying really. Iâll probably do that tommorrow and Iâll pm you when Iâm finished. Right now, Iâm feeling too tired.
Oh and a woman in Icicle inn said to them that her husband had gone to the Great Glacier, Holzoff, so thatâs why. She had no name, so I gave her Nix.
Thanks for the clarification about Nix! And I really like what youâve done with that section now! Itâs been improved a lot! Hereâs some C&C for the rest of the new parts! Sorry it took me so long!
Barrets was the largest, though she suspected that was just through his inability to packâŚ
Should be âBarretâsâ.
âDamnit, hasnt it gotten through to your spikey-assed brain yet that my airships are always ready to fly,â Cid replied.
Hasnt=hasnât. Unless you mean that Cid has more than one airship at the moment, it might be best to have it singular. It sounds a bit off. I like his choice of words to Cloud though! :victoly:
Mosse should be âmoseyâ.
They nodded and went outside of Kalm. They walked for about half an hour before the airship came into view. Tifaâs eyes widened at the sight of it. It was a sleeker, better armoured, chrome jet.
Currently, that first section sounds really awkward, but thereâs a couple of things you can do to make it sound better. One thing is to combine it with the second sentence to read: Once outside of Kalm, they walked⌠Alternatively, you could take the opportunity to add a lot of description. Theyâre in the bar, so how do they leave? Do they run out the door, march single-file, exit in pairs? Does Tifa do anything special to shut it down, or does she have someone looking after it? Are they quiet or loud? Does anyone notice theyâre leaving? If so, what are their reactions? Whatâs the weather like outside?
Also, the airship is a pretty big piece of equipment, and from what I recall, the land is pretty flat around Kalm, meaning you can see for quite a distance. Does it really take them a half-hour before they can even see the new airship? I can understand a half-hour before they reach it, but certainly theyâd see it before then. Maybe you can make the weather conditions bad (foggy or something) to explain why it takes so long to see it.
He looked proudly at his creation. âYou got that right. Took me a while and I had to take some parts from Highwind, butâŚSheâs called Avolare.â
Even scrapping parts from the Highwind, itâd cost a lot of money to build an airship, whereâs he getting the funds? Reeveâs new government? Some sort of income from Rocket Town? Heâs just really really rich?
Nice name though! And I like the explanation! It also helps support the idea that Cidâs a sap inside, like we see in the game when he talks about the play Loveless.
They quickly borded after that and gather in the cockpit for take off. âOkay boys and girls, strap yourselfs in 'cause youâre in for one hell of a ride.â That said, Cid started up the engines and soon they were flying over the ocean toward their destination.
Borded should be âboardedâ, gather should be âgatheredâ, yourselfs should be âyourselvesâ.
I like the dialogue between Vincent and Cloud. I have a suggestion though: you seem to be making Vincent speak very formally, and give the impression that heâs choosing his words carefully (which I like and fits with how I see him). If that is what youâre trying to do, you might consider not having him use contractions. I am, instead of Iâm, that sort of thing. If that wasnât what you were going for, then it doesnât matter. :hahaha;
Iâve being watching him practice with his weapons, and when he started practicing with his gun I felt almost certain."
Iâve being should be âIâve beenâ.
When has Vincent had a chance to see Caeda practice? Write the scene out for us!
"He was part of the gang I was in in my youth.
Either separate the 'inâs with a comma, or reword it to prevent the repetition (Example: He was a member of the gang I was a part of in my youth.)
Usually they ended in violence, and the person on the end of them injured."
Add in âotherâ before âendâ to make this flow smoother, and clarify that it wasnât Caeda getting injured.
I like how suspicious Vincent is of Caeda! Iâm a bit worried about this private âmeetingâ though!
She could feel the throbbing caused by the engines, so like a heartbeat that she couldnât help wondering, briefly, if there wasnât some truth in Cidâs constant claims that machines could be alive, if enough care was given to them.
Wow! I got coolness shivers from this line!!
If this is a trap, I intend to see him dead, anyway."
It would probably be best to replace âanywayâ with âno matter whatâ. Right now it almost sounds like Cloudâs planning on killing him whether itâs a trap or notâŚ
Cloud looked at her, his eyes serious. âHere we go, Tifa, here we go again.â She nodded in agreement before getting ready to land.
The comma after âTifaâ should be either a semi-colon or a period.
Iâm beginning to think that maybe Caedaâs under the control of the mysterious voice⌠Hmmm⌠
Next section!
The jet landed with little trouble, hovering briefly above the ground before touching down. A stairway was extended down and the passengers disembarked, Cid leaving instructions for tests to be done to see how she was holding up after the first few flights.
Who are the âthemâ. This is the first weâve heard of any crew. It might be a good idea to make their presence known in little ways previous to this. I like how youâre showing how new the ship is as they need to run tests still.
He also warned them to defend it, or heâd come back and kick their asses so hard they wouldnât be sitting for a month. It would have being funny, if he hadnât seemed serious about it, Tifa thought.
'âŚkick their asses so hard they wouldnât be sitting for a month" should be 'âŚso hard theyâd kiss the moons!" Joking! :kissy:
Caeda looked around briefly, then pointed to some cliffs a little way up their.
âTheirâ is a possessive pronoun, so youâre either missing a word at the end (path?), or you meant to type âthereâ. I think the first option would sound better, though.
âThatâs where I saw them last.â He paused then pointed toward some a patch of ground near edge of the strand.
Omit the âsomeâ.
âWhere do you wish to begin looking then, oh mighty leader.â He said, half-mockingly.
Oooh! Heâs beginning to crack! I think thatâs the first time heâs deliberately tried to provoke one of them.
"It means that he may be better prepared then I had originally thought.
âHeâ? Up to this point you used gender-neutral pronouns for the dragon. Although, this could be Caeda slipping up with somethingâŚ
Definite progress made with these two sections! I wonder what will get in their way next?
I was talking about the master actually. Iâll see if I can make that clearer.
And thanks. You know, I prefer your ââŚso hard theyâll kiss the moon.â That actually had me laughing. Iâll fix it tommorrow.
And you know what, I want to make a bomb get in their way. <.< >.> What? I like explosions. ;D
I canât take credit for the âkiss the moon(s)â thing. I just stole it from Chrono Cross. But hey, itâd amuse me to no end to see it in there! :biggrin:
Explosions? That could be fun! >:D The only question is, can you fit it in?
Probably not 
Still, nothing to stop me trying. So
Excellent⌠Make sure theyâre big, and cause lotsa property damage! :get it?:
(Maybe the Master stole some from Shinra? Heck, if AVALANCHE could have bombs, why not someone else? :mwahaha: )