Fanfiction + Sitcom = ????

Hey guys. Finally started working on something that’s been a strange little idea in my head for a while now: An FF8 based sitcom.

I’ve had a list of plotlines kicking around for a while, probably enough for at least one season of episodes. (Usual sitcom type stunts, only with FF8 people and my own “unique” twists…).

Anyway, I’ve written up the opening credits sequence that you’d see at the start of every episode. Theme song, introduce all the characters, zany antics and people acting goofy, stuff like that. A teaser of what will come, I suppose…

And yeah, I’ll be using script form again (well duh, they’re scripts for a TV show… hee hee)

[Black Screen. A pulsing bass line begins to play. There’s a flash of light and the clang of clashing swords.]

[Picture comes in as a jaunty, light-hearted, made for weekly TV pop-rock remix of “Liberi Fatali” (the original operatic theme from the opening of Final Fantasy 8) begins to play. It’s a sunny, verdant flower field. Eight figures, seven human and one canine, are running about and frolicking in said field. The word “S.E.E.D.” appears in stencil-style bold white lettering with black and red trim appear with a gentle metallic “ping” in large type over the screen, and quickly disappears.]

Chorus (singing): Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec. Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec.

[Close up of a man with mussed brown hair wearing black cargo pants and a leather aviation jacket. He is involved in a rather intense duel involving a futuristic looking sword-like weapon, but no so involved that he can’t find time to stop, drop his guard, and smile and wave at the camera in a friendly fashion. Just before getting nicked in the face by his rival’s sword, inflicting a shallow but bloody forehead wound that will likely scar. Freeze frame.]

[“Squall” appears in the same lettering type as before, only much smaller and at the bottom of the screen.]

Chorus: Army of photogenic teenagers! Children of fate! Cleanse up your acne before it’s too late! Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec!

[Squall laughs it off. Pan over. Another man armed with an identical weapon, presumably the other dueler. He has a neatly kept crop of yellow blond hair and wears a military gray trenchcoat with highly stylized cross logos (blood red) on the shoulders. He shakes his head and chuckles at his dueling partner. He grips his weapon with one hand. His other hand grips something unseen off screen. Freeze Frame.]

[“Seifer” appears at the bottom of the screen in the same lettering type as before.]

Chorus: What the hell does this mean? We don’t knowwwwwwww! It’s all pretend Latin! It makes no sense!

[Pan over. Seifer’s other hand was hoisting up a third man, suspending him off the ground, by the elastic wasteband of his underwear. The recipient of this ignominious wedgie (a young man with spiked blond hair, a large tribal tattoo on his face, a black with red trim shirt, oversized shorts, and boxers with an embarrassing pink hearts print design) flails helplessly in the air and appears to be in considerable pain. Zoom in on his wincing face. Freeze Frame.]

[“Zell” appears at the bottom of the screen in the trademark lettering.]

Chorus: Liberi Fatali! All from the same orphanage! All with amnesia! A coincidence that even Dickens would think was too much! Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec!

[Cut to a young lady with long, straight black hair, crouching and balancing on the balls of her feet, petting the head of a big shaggy dog. She wears a powder blue cotton and black lycra ensemble, and has a beautiful smile on her face. Silently mouthing the words “Fetch, Angelo” to her dog, she stands up and, instead of throwing a stick, she sends a razor-sharp metal disk arcing into the air, launched from a crossbow-like mechanism attached to her left wrist. The dog dutifully (and stupidly) chases after it eagerly. Freeze Frame.]

[“Rinoa” appears at the bottom of the screen in the trademark lettering.]

Chorus: Total… Gibberish! Total… Nonsense! Utter… Bollocks! Utter… Pigcrap!

[The deadly projectile flies across the flower field, easily putting distance between itself and the dog. It embeds itself in the ground harmlessly. Well, almost harmlessly. A young man wearing a tan duster, spurred cowboy boots and corduroy pants running across the flower field trips over the disk and falls forward, stumbling, tumbling, and rolling for several feet. But he keeps his black cowboy hat atop his head. He looks up, and grins. Freeze frame.]

[“Irvine” appears at the bottom of the screen in the trademark lettering.]

Chorus: Liberi Fatali! Super-soldiers! With raging hormone imbalances! What is this, Logan’s Run? Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec.

[Irvine is looking up at a pair of pale white legs, bare save for brown boots downside and the hemline of a short yellow dress upside. Way upside. This pair of legs belongs to a short in stature young woman with curled hair, green eyes, and a cute little bird resting in the palm of her hand, munching on a small mound of seed. She stops smiling, however, when she looks down to see someone else looking up. Her cheeks flush and she frowns with fury. Her fists clench angrily and the bird barely flies off in time. Zoom in on her angry face, and freeze frame.]

[“Selphie” appears at the bottom of the screen in the (rather overused now) trademark lettering.]

Chorus: And these lyrics make no sense! Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec!

[The bird lands on the ground, next to a nearly identical bird. They chirp and flap at each other, almost as if in a mating ritual. This all occurs at the feet of another person, this one a statuesque strawberry blonde haired woman in a pink skirted outfit, black leather boots, and professorial yet still sexy wire-framed glasses. She looks on with a gentle smirk on her face at the birds. She then looks up and casts her eyes around, as if checking to see if anyone is paying attention to her. Finding none, she calmly tilts her glasses upward until they rest at her hairline and, still smirking gently, shoots laser beams out of her eyeballs, burning the birdies to a crisp. She shrugs her shoulders, puts her glasses back into place, blushes, and holds her black-gloved hands out, palms up, helplessly. Freeze frame.]

[“Quistis” appears at the bottom of the screen in the same old lettering.]

Chorus: We?re not getting paid enough for this! Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec! Liberi Fatali! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa {high F#}

[Camera pulls back as everybody runs into the center of the field to come together for a group photo. They all strike poses. Squall leans on his weapon with two hands. Rinoa hugs Squall from behind. Zell stands arms akimbo, like a mighty superhero. Seifer leans on his weapon with one hand and gives Zell bunny ears with the other. Quistis poses kneeling with a book in hand, trying to ignore Irvine as he crawls on his hands and knees “seductively” over to Quistis. Selphie yanks the cowboy hat off Irvine’s head and smirks triumphantly. Irvine’s jaw drops and blushes, as if he feels naked. Selphie puts it on her head. Squall turns his head to kiss Rinoa, but just before he does so Angelo begins to hump Squall’s leg. Freeze frame.]

[“S.E.E.D.” appears again, in big bold letters. Music Ends.]

[Fade to black.]

Lmao, great stuff Kaiser :slight_smile:

Chorus: Liberi Fatali! All from the same orphanage! All with amnesia! A coincidence that even Dickens would think was too much! Fithos Lusec Wecos Vinosec!

That just takes the price :slight_smile: :slight_smile:

It’s great to see more humor fleeting around, we need more of that methinks.

Awesome, Kaiser! It reminds me of so many cheesy soap opera openings ^^

Episode 1:

The primary plot is that Laguna, Squall’s long lost father who also happens to be the President of Esthar, is coming to vist. Everyone’s happy about it except Squall.

Here’s what I’ve got so far…

[And, um, there’s some kinda suggestive material in here, so, um, put the kids to bed or something.]

Scene 1:

[Squall’s dorm room. Squall is sitting on the bed. It’s very unkempt and lumpy. Squall is clutching a piece of paper in both hands, reading it silently. The look on his face conveys bad news.]

[One of the large lumps in the bed moves. It’s Rinoa, gradually emerging from under the covers.]

Rinoa: [cheery] Good morning!

[Squall ignores her, still reading.]

Rinoa: What’s up?

Squall: [Very Sarcastic] Oh, wonderful.

Rinoa: What’s wrong?

Squall: My father will be coming to visit. Oh, isn’t this grand.

Rinoa: I thought you were an orphan?

Squall: [growing increasingly caustic and bitter] So did I. But apparently I have a long lost father who gave me up for adoption long ago, who now wishes to get reacquainted with me and make up for lost times, I can barely constrain my glee and cheer over receiving this wonderful news.

Rinoa: What’s his name?

Squall: His name is Laguna Loire.

Rinoa: Why does that name sound familiar?

Squall: Because my dear absentee father just so happens to be the President of Esthar, the largest and richest nation on the planet. Making him, by extension, one of the most powerful men in the world. And he’s my father, too. And he’s coming to visit. Whee-hee-hee.

Rinoa: No, I don’t think so.

Squall: What?

Rinoa: [She scrunches up her face, really trying to think] No, that’s not it. Where have I heard that name before?

Squall: He’s the President of Esthar.

Rinoa: No! Shut up! I’ve almost got it. [Pause.] Oh yeah! Duh! My mom used to date him. This was back before she died. [She smiles triumphantly at Squall.] THAT’S where I’ve heard that name before.

Squall: [Rolls his eyes] Oh, God…

Rinoa: But that’s so cool that he’s like your father and he used to date my mother and everything! That means you and I are like brother and sister or something.

[Long, awkward pause.]

Rinoa: Wait.

[She gets a disgusted look on her face.]

Rinoa: Ewww! Gross!

Squall: Yes, quite.

[There is a knock at the door.]

Squall: And your dog’s insistence on interjecting itself whenever we try to get intimate hardly diminishes the gross factor.

[More knocking.]

Squall: [setting the letter down] I’ll get it.

[Squall stands up and walks to the door. As he walks, we can see that Angelo, Rinoa’s dog, has a humping death grip on Squall’s left leg. Squall drags him along, without acknowledging Angelo’s presence. Like a cast, one eventually gets used to the extra weight and ceases to be conscious of it.]

[Squall opens the door. Enter Seifer.]

Seifer: Hello, Squall… Uh Oh. Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, Squall. You know the Garden’s regulations on keeping animals. NO PETS. And here you are with two dogs in one room. I’m shocked and appalled.

[Rinoa is confused. She begins looking around for a second dog.]

Squall: So, Seifer, to what do I owe this early morning “pleasure?”

Seifer: President Loire is coming to visit Balamb.

Squall: [cringes, speaks tensely] Yes, I know.

Seifer: Being an important foreign diplomat, of course, it’s imperative that he be transported from Esthar and that he arrives in Balamb safely. So a SEED team has been hired to escort him. And guess who Cid volunteered to lead the team, buddy boy?

[Seifer pats Squall on the shoulder three times.]

Rinoa: [perplexed] Where’s the other dog? Seifer, I think you’re seeing double.

[Seifer shudders, amazed by how dense Rinoa is.]

Squall: So, you’re in charge, huh? Wonderful.

Seifer: [smirking] Oh no, buddy. YOU are. I can’t go. I’m still kinda sorta wanted dead or alive in Esthar for hijacking Lunatic Pandora and dumping several million lunar monsters on the city streets. Have fun, Squall.

Squall: Shouldn’t Esthar’s army escort its own President?

Seifer: Have you seen Esthar’s army in action?

Squall: No.

[Rinoa gets out of bed and begins to wander around the room, still looking for the second dog.]

Seifer: When I was hijacking the Pandora, an Esthari officer pointed out at me and instructed his unit to Fire At Will. They all turned around and shot the officer.

Squall: What? Why?

Seifer: His name was Will.

Rinoa: Why’d he command his own soldiers to shoot at him?

[Seifer twitches violently, as though allergic to Rinoa’s cluelessness.]

Squall: [whispering] Just ignore her. So, I have to be head bodyguard for President Loire?

Seifer: Yup.

Squall: And Cid assigned me to this?

Seifer: Yup.

Squall: I think Cid and I need to have a little talk.

[Squall exits through the door. Angelo is still humping his leg. Exit Squall.]

Rinoa: Now I don’t see any dogs. Seifer, are you sure you’re feeling all right?


Scene 2:

[Cid’s office. Cid is seated at a large oak desk in the middle of a large room, the back wall of which is comprised entirely of glass, giving a scenic view of the outside world. Irvine, Zell, Selphie, and Quistis are all present. Zell is shadowboxing off to the side, Selphie is standing around looking bored, and Irvine is standing behind Selphie, twirling his rifle around like a baton. Only Quistis is actually paying attention.]

[With a loud slam, the doors open. Enter Squall, running. Angelo is nowhere to be seen, having finally let go of Squall’s leg.]

Squall: Cid, we need to talk. I…

Cid: Oh, good, you’re all here. Now, listen up. This is very important. SEED has been hired to escort an important foreign dignitary and ensure his safe passage from Esthar to Balamb.

[Irvine, grinning naughtily, begins to slide the long barrel of his rifle up and down Selphie’s inner thigh. Selphie tenses up.]

Quistis: Who’s the dignitary?

Selphie: Hmmm.

Cid: President Laguna Loire.

Selphie: Oh!

Cid: The five of you will be traveling to Esthar to pick him up, then bring him back here.

Quistis: What’s he in town for?

Cid: Oh, nothing official. It’s a personal vacation.

Selphie: Ah!

[Squall shifts around nervously.]

Cid: Squall will be in charge of the operation, of course.

[Quistis frowns.]

Squall: Yes, sir. Uh, about that. There’s something I really feel you should hear.

Selphie: Ooh!

[Zell is spooked by Selphie’s exclamation. There?s a loud crashing noise, like something shattering on the floor. Everybody stops what they?re doing and turns in the direction of the noise. Towards Zell.]

Cid: What was that noise?

[Cid sees a very nervous Zell standing at perfect attention in front of a stone pedestal that until recently housed an ornate glass dragon figurine.]

Cid: Zell?

Zell: Um, what noise, sir?

Selphie: Uhh!

Cid: No, Selphie, it was more of a Bang. More like a glass statue falling to the floor and breaking.

Zell: Uh… [He kicks shards of broken glass out of sight.] I didn’t hear any noise, sir. I was giving you my undivided attention, sir.

Cid: Oh, good. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Squall will be in charge of the operation. You all depart in 0030 hours.

[A confused silence falls over Squall, Zell, Selphie, and Irvine as they attempt mental math.]

Quistis: We leave in half an hour then?

Cid: Yes.

[Everyone else mumbles in understanding. Now they get it. After nodding in recognition, Irvine begins tickling Selphie’s legs with his gun again.]

Quistis: Why didn’t you just say half an hour?

Selphie: yyyeah…

Cid: 0030 sounds more military-ish. [Cid stands up and strikes an epic pose.] And this is SEED. [Waves his arms about in a grandiose fashion] You are SEED. The elite mercenary force of…

Quistis: [Interrupting] Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah, we know. Elite mercenary force trained to fight the sorceress blah blah blah.

Squall: Sir. I’m not so sure this is a good idea.

Cid: Is there something you’d like to tell me, Squall?

Selphie: Yes!

Cid: I was talking to Squall, Selphie.

Squall: Yes.

Cid: Concerns about this mission? Reservations? Worries?

Squall: Yes.

Cid: All right. Be sure to include them in your report when you get back. Alrighty?

Squall: [bows his head in resignation] Yes sir.


Lmao, it’s hilarious :slight_smile: On par with Scenes from a Parallel universe, great job once again Kaiser :slight_smile:

collapses from laughter

Scene 3:

[In the cockpit of The Ragnarok, a high-powered combination jet plane and spacecraft. The team is partially assembled. Irvine, Quistis, and Squall are present. Squall is pacing back and forth, Quistis is lecturing Irvine, and Irvine is giving her his undivided attention as only Irvine can; staring squarely at her chest.]

Squall: Grr…

Quistis: Irvine, are you listening?

Irvine: Uh huh. [Sniffs the air. He looks up at Quistis’ eyes for once.] Is that Chanel you have on? It’s very nice.

Quistis: Damn it, Irvine, focus! I left my passport in my dorm room. I have to run and get it. It’ll only take me 5 minutes.

Irvine: Gotcha. [Goes back to staring at Quistis’ chest.]

Quistis: Listen closely, Irvine. These [she jingles the keys in front of Irvine’s face] are the keys to The Ragnarok. The Ragnarok has finally been restored to working order after undergoing six weeks of repairs to fix the damage done the last time. Do not, under any circumstances, allow Selphie to fly it this time. Understand?

Irvine: Yes ma’am.

Quistis: I mean it!

Irvine: Yes ma’am, you can count on me, let Selphie fly it this time. Got it.

Quistis: NO! Don’t let her fly! It’s a miracle The Ragnarok is still in one piece after the last time we let her fly it.

Irvine: Okay, don’t let Selphie fly under any circumstances.

Quistis: Exactly. Here are the keys. I am entrusting the keys to you. I want you to warm up the engine. I will be back in 5 minutes. And whatever you do, DON’T let Selphie have these.

[She hands him the keys.]

Quistis: Don’t make me live to regret entrusting you with this responsibility, Irvine.

Irvine: I won’t.

[Exit Quistis. Irvine keeps his eyes on her posterior as she exits.]

Irvine: Wow.

Squall: You seem excited about this mission.

Irvine: Huh? Oh, no. Dude, I think Quistis has the hots for me, man.

Squall: [Dubious] Whatever. Back on Planet Reality… I need to figure out what I’m going to do about Laguna.

[Enter Selphie, skipping. She immediately skips her way towards Irvine.]

Selphie: Hi Irvy!

Irvine: Hi Selphie!

[She hugs him.]

Selphie: Ooh, are those the keys to the Ragnarok?

Irvine: Yep. Quistis gave them to me.

Selphie: Can I have 'em?

Irvine: Sure. [He hands the keys over.]

Selphie: Woo Hoo! Thanks! I know last time things were a little rough, but I think I’ve almost got the hang of the controls now. Should be a smooth flight this time out.

Squall: Hmm. Maybe if we all die in a firey plane crash, I won’t have to worry about dealing with my absentee father…

Selphie: I’m gonna fire it up! Fasten your seatbelts, boys!

[Exit Selphie.]

[Enter Zell, equipment bag in one hand, hot dog in the other.]

Zell: Hey guys.

Irvine: Yo. Dude, guess what?

Zell: What?

Irvine: Um [begins whispering] I kinda don’t wanna say this around Selphie, but, I think Quistis has a thing for me.

Zell: [yelling] What? Quistis has the–

Irvine: Hush! [Whispering again] Yeah, I think so. She gave ME the keys to The Ragnarok.

Zell: You?

Irvine: Yeah!

Zell: Sweet! Let me see!

Irvine: Can’t. Gave 'em to Selphie.

[Re-enter Quistis, with her passport.]

Quistis: You gave what to Selphie?

[She looks very suspicious.]

Irvine: [Eyes immediately gravitating to Quistis’ chest again] The keys to The Ragnarok, just like you said to do.

Quistis: WHAT?!

Irvine: You sound upset. What’s up?

[Quistis roars in anger and frustration.]

Quistis: You idiot! I have to go get the keys before–

[But it is too late. With a lurch, The Ragnarok begins to rise up and toss its passengers around. Quistis is launched through the air forward. Zell’s hot dog goes flying through the air and out the open loading bay door as the plane takes off. Irvine falls down. Squall begins fumbling for the switch to manually close the loading bay.]


Scene 4:

[“Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins (also known as the opening theme from “Top Gun”) blares as The Ragnarok tears across the sky at supersonic speed. The craft does a pair of quick, violent, barrel rolls.]

[Cut to inside The Ragnarok, where Squall, Irvine, Zell, and Quistis are bouncing around like so many pinballs.]

Zell: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! We’re all gonna die! Mommy!

Quistis: And it’s all your fault, Irvine! [Thuds against the wall.]

[Cut to outside, and more trick flying of The Ragnarok. This time it’s a series of three loop-de-loops.]

[Cut to inside the cockpit. Selphie is having a grand old time, eyes closed, lip-synching to “Danger Zone” on the radio, massive smile on her face. She gives the wheel a hard turn to the right.]

[Outside, another barrel roll. The Ragnarok narrowly misses smashing into another, similar aircraft.]

[Cut to inside the other aircraft, and a befuddled pilot and co-pilot.]

Pilot: …the hell was that?

Co-Pilot: We?re receiving a transmission from the other craft.

Pilot: On-screen.

[With a “ping” a picture appears on a monitor in front of the co-pilot. It is…]

[Cut to inside the Ragnarok. Selphie is very clearly flipping off a monitor. With both hands.]

[Cut back to the other ship’s cockpit.]

Pilot: What’s the message?

Co-Pilot: I think she wants us to impregnate each other.

[Cut to back inside the Ragnarok.]

Selphie: [Singing, more than a little off key] Highway to the Danger Zone! Gonna take you right into the Danger Zone! Yeah!

[She looks down at a readout on the control panel.]

Selphie: Crap! I’m about to overshoot the landing strip! Oh well… here goes…

[She enters into a quick dive and jams on the landing gear.]

[Outside, the craft comes into contact with the landing strip way too fast and at far too sharp an angle. High pitched wailing and shrieking permeates the air as the bottom of The Ragnarok scraps against the concrete and sends a myriad of sparks flying in all directions.]

[Meanwhile, inside The Ragnarok, Selphie’s four comrades bounce around painfully and finally come to a rest as the craft does. Zell curls up into a fetal position and begins sucking his thumb and muttering something about his mother. Squall holds his head in his hands and between his legs. Quistis is a barely conscious crumpled heap on the floor. Irvine is a motionless crumpled heap on top of Quistis.]

Zell: [Takes his thumb out of his mouth temporarily] Are we dead yet?

Squall: No, we’re alive. I think.

Quistis: Get off me!

Irvine: I can’t. I think I’m paralyzed from the neck down. Mmmm.

Quistis: If only it were from the neck up, too. It would serve you right for giving her the keys. [She shoves him off roughly.]

Irvine: Ow! [He clutches the back of his head.]

Quistis: Oh damn, you’re not paralyzed. Curse my rotten luck.

[A door opens with a “Woosh” sound effect. Enter Selphie, cheery as ever.]

Selphie: Hey guys. We’re here! Hurry up!

[Groaning and moaning, they all limp to their feet and stagger outside.]


Now this is a show I wouldn’t mind writing for. Nice work Kaiser.

Milk-out-the-nose funny. Can I get a signed copy? :slight_smile:

Scene 5:

[Rinoa is walking down the circular hallway at the ground floor of Balamb Garden. Her head is tilted forward as she looks down, clutching her chin in one hand. Her forehead is clenched up, indicating she’s thinking very hard.]

[Suddenly she looks up and smirks triumphantly. She?s had an idea.]

Rinoa: [Whistling] Doggy? Doggy! Here boy! [More Whistling.]

[She looks around. First to her left, then to her right.]

Rinoa: [Getting Frustrated] Where is it?

[Cid enters, from behind.]

Cid: Where’s what?

Rinoa: Oh, the other dog.

Cid: Other dog?

Rinoa: Well, there’s Angelo, and then the other dog Seifer was talking about this morning.

[She is completely casual and nonchalant, as though completely unaware that she is confessing to the head of Garden that she, a person staying free of charge and taking up valuable dorm space while not even being a student or a faculty member, is flagrantly violating the no pets policy. Twice.]

Cid: Really… [He’s very interested at this turn of events.]

Rinoa: Yeah. See, I was in Squall’s room this morning…

[She blushes, and giggles.]

Rinoa: [whispering to Cid] See, last night we, well, um… [She whispers in his ear inaudibly.]

[Cid goes wide-eyed and backs off.]

Cid: [stunned] That’s physically impossible.

Rinoa: No, no, see, all you have to do is… [Whispers inaudibly again.]

Cid: My back hurts just hearing about that! Gah! Shut up! Don’t talk about that anymore.

Rinoa: Oh, okay, sorry. Where was I…

[Long Pause. Rinoa slaps her forehead.]

Rinoa: Oh yeah! Anyway… we were in Squall’s room, and my dog Angelo was there too, and Seifer comes in to tell Squall he had some mission or something today, and he said that Squall was breaking the rules because he had two dogs in his room. But I could only see the one. Mine. Angelo. And I’ve been looking for the other one ever since. But Seifer wouldn’t tell me where it is! Isn’t he a meanie?


Rinoa: I mean, it’s probably really hungry, right?

Cid: …I think I need to go find Seifer. Excuse me.

[Cid walks away. Exit Cid.]

Rinoa: Huh. Oh well. [She begins whistling again and calling out for the non-existent dog.] Here boy!


More great stuff, I love it.

I’ve GOT to make Jing read this :slight_smile:

Ha! Rinoa is so stupid!

Okay, brutal honesty time:

Does scene 5 work as is? I had reservations on how “funny” that bit would be on its own. I was orignally going to have more there…

Cid is going to order Seifer to help Rinoa look for The Dog That Does Not Exist; and yeah, when Seifer tries to explain the context in which he used “dog” Cid won’t get it, either. :doh:

I ended up breaking this up (or cut short? Honestly I haven’t written that bit yet) so I could cut back to this [henceforth known as “the subplot”] in more segments when I get tired of having Squall and co. attempt to escort Laguna back to Balamb. After I did so, however, I realized that this Scene 5 might not have enough “funny” by itself (the cheap sex gag notwithstanding).

So it’s really encouraging to see the positive feedback in the wake of what I just posted, but I’m still concerned about this. Lemme know what you think.

I thought it did work, Kaiser :slight_smile: Rinoa’s stupidity is very funny.

Though I’m REALLY looking forwards to seeing Seifer explain himself :slight_smile:

Scene 6:

[Squall, Quistis, Zell, Selphie, and Irvine are standing around, in a posh, swanky, and very futuristic looking lobby, awaiting the arrival of the President of Esthar. Squall paces back and forth anxiously. Quistis stands (with her whip acting as a makeshift sling for her right arm) tapping her foot impatiently. Zell ooohs and ahhhs as he walks in a small circle. Selphie is dancing by herself in the corner and softly singing along to “Danger Zone” which is still playing inside her head. Irvine watches her go, not a thought of anything else in the world.]

Squall: Let’s just get this over with. Where is he? Why does he make us wait?

Quistis: I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the massive concussion I’m suffering from, or perhaps its the effects of the massive painkillers I took to mute the crippling pain coursing through my entire body…

[Her voice trails off. She shoots a dirty look at Irvine before slapping him quite violently in the back of the head, knocking his cowboy hat off it’s perch.]

Irvine: OW! [Feels around on his head, and notices his hat is missing.] Gah! My hat!

Quistis: …With the fortunate exception of my left hand… but I’m sensing you aren’t looking forward to our encountering Mr. Loire, Squall.

Selphie: [picking his hat up off the floor] Here ya go! [She puts it back on Irvine’s head. And resumes singing and dancing.]

Squall: No, I’m not. Whatever tipped you off?

Quistis: Well, you first aroused my suspicion when you were crushing cups in the cafeteria.

Zell: Aw, that’s nothing, I crush paper cups all the time when I’m done drinking them.

Quistis: They weren’t paper; They were ceramic.

[Quick pan down and, sure enough, some rouge shards of ceramic cup are still sticking out of Squall’s flayed leather gloves.]
Zell: Oh…

[Fanfare suddenly erupts from nowhere. Trumpets and all that jazz.]

[There is the “psshhh” sound of doors opening, Star Trek style.]

[Enter a short, hunched little man with a ridiculously large collar, like a clown or a man in Late 16th Century England Period Costume.]

Odine: Und jetsz, Presenting…

[Long Pause.]

Odine: …wait for it…
[Our five heroes glanced at each other, befuddled, as they already are “waiting for it” as it were.]

Odine: His Presidentship, His Royal Elected Majesty, Ze Ayatollah of Rock und Rollah, Ze Mayor of das Funkytauwn…

Squall: You’re being forced to say all this, aren’t you?

Odine: Oh ja, ja,

Zell: And you used to be Esthar’s top scientest, right? Why are you a cheesy and vaguely German hype man now?

Odine: Ist das Budget Cuts, you know. Und now, vere vas I? Oh ja… Mayor of das Funkytauwn, Und First Partier auf alle Esthar… Laguuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuna Loire!

[A neon “applause” sign flashes overhead.]

[A core unit of 8 Esthar soldiers (where did they come from?) begin cranking their fists in a semicircle and barking like dawgs.]

[The “Psshhh” sound again.]

[Enter a pudgy middle aged man with long dark hair. Set aside the yellow framed sunglasses, Hawaiian print shirt, dress khakis, and birkenstock sandals, (and the beer gut) and he bears an undeniable resemblance to Squall.]

Odine: Herr President!

[He salutes. Arm vertical in the air, palm out. He looks up and, embarrased, quickly adjusts his salute to the much more sensible and tasteful Traditional Esthar Salute: Three self-inflicted karate chops to the chest.]

Laguna: Wassup.

Selphie: Oh my God it’s really him! AIEE!

[She squeals at the top of her lungs, like a 12 year old girl at a Justin Timberlake concert. She rushes up to him, starstruck.]

Selphie: Wow, I can’t believe it, it’s really him! Wow, Mr. Selphie my name’s Laguna and…damn! I mean, um, uh, I, uh, wow, oh my God…

[She continues to stammer and begins to sweat and blush.]

Irvine: Gee Selphie, it’s not THAT big a deal.

Selphie: Yes it is! Mr. Laguna’s the coolest president ever! You can have my vote any time, sir. [she presses up against him.]

Irvine: Aww. [His shoulders slump, dejected.]

[Quistis looks at Irvine and chuckles mockingly.]

Selphie: I have ALL your articles from Timber Maniacs! Every single one! Wow, guys, It’s really him! Mr. Laguna Loire.

Quistis: [very droll] Yes, some of us elected to actually pay attention during the briefing, and hence knew this coming in.

Laguna: So, you’re the SEED escort?

Squall: [folding his arms over his chest and looking away] Yeah, that’s us, whatever.

[Selphie wraps herself around Laguna’s arm.]

Selphie: Want me to escort you to my bedroom?

[Irvine’s jaw begins to quiver. He turns away.]

[Squall rolls his eyes.]

Selphie: [Looks at her arms. She gasps.] OH MY GOD! I TOUCHED HIM! AIEEE! I’m so happy I could just die! AIEE!

[She runs off screaming hysterically.]

Laguna: Squall! Just the person I wanted to see.

[Laguna claps him on the back.]

Squall: Ugh.


Quistis: [Lowering her glasses. Her eyes begin to sparkle with electric energy.] That can be arranged.

Laguna: Well, no time like the present. Let’s get this dead horse on the road and lead it to water!

Zell laughs. So does Irvine. Selphie laughs way too loudly, causing Irvine to stop laughing. Quistis fights back a smirk. Squall frowns.]


Scene 7:

[Swelling, bombastic, and jingoistic music plays; the Esthari National Anthem. President Laguna walks briskly and with an air of presidentiality about him, flanked by the five SEED supersoldiers. They approach the Ragnarok, where three of Esthar’s finest military warriors stand at attention. As the party approaches, they give the president a firm, crisp Official Salute.]

Soldiers (simultaneous): Sir!

Laguna: At ease, guys.

[They relax. And begin rubbing their bruised chests.]

Laguna: Wait, there’s only three of you. Hey! Where’s Johnson?

Soldier #1: In the hospital, sir! Bruised sternum, sir!

Laguna: How’d that happen?

Solider #2: Attended dinner for 50 military officers, sir! Lowest ranking solder in attendance, sir!

Soldier #3: Had to salute every officer in attendance successively, sir!

Laguna: Ah. You know, I really ought to consider changing our official salute. Oh well. I suppose it can wait until I get back. Family should always come first. Ain’t that right, Squall?

[He claps him on the shoulder, smiling fraternally.]

Squall: Whatever.

[He shrugs the contact off.]

Selphie: Oh my God! He touched you again! Squall, I am SO jealous of you!


Scene 8:

[The party is boarding the Ragnarok.]

Laguna: This is great, though, Squall. All through the flight we’ll be able to catch up. Make up for lost time. All those lost years. All those missed opportunities.

Squall: [wide eyed and visibly very nervous] Uh, actually, bad luck, have to pilot the plane, sorry.

[Squall quickly runs to the cockpit. EXIT SQUALL.]

Laguna: Gee, too bad.

[Footsteps are heard. RE-ENTER SQUALL. Squall runs back towards the group. He uses his left hand to grab the grabs the keys out of Selphie’s hands. His right hand shoves her down to the cold hard floor. Fortuitously, she tumbles towards and stops at Laguna?s feet. RE-EXIT SQUALL.]

Selphie: [Looking up at Laguna, winking, and trying to play it off] Hi! [She giggles inanely.]

Quistis: All right, everybody get strapped in for takeoff.

[The group takes seats. One by one, Quistis, Irvine, Zell, and Laguna take seats. As Laguna takes a seat, Selphie sits down on his lap.]

Selphie: Oh, darn, you beat me to it. [More nervous and inane (yet cute) giggling.]

Irvine: [Wistful and jealous sigh] Fine, be that way.

[Irvine stands back up and makes a belated and obvious go at sitting on Quistis’ lap.]

Irvine: [affected voice] Darn, Quisty, you seem to have beaten me in our race to this seat. I didn’t know we were playing musical chairs. [He attempts to emit inane (yet cute) giggling.]

Quistis: [she speaks with eerie calm at first] Irvine, you have ten seconds before I will be able to warm up my fire breath to working weapons-grade. During those ten seconds, if you wish to live to see another sunrise, I highly suggest [her voice raises to an angry yell] YOU GET OFF MY LAP!

Irvine: Aw, shucks.

[He gets off and slinks defeated back to his original seat, stealing an envious glance in Laguna’s direction. Selphie is flirting heavily with Laguna, batting her eyelashes and pulling her already short hemline up even further.]

Zell: [Looks around anxiously] Anyone’s welcome to sit on my lap…

[But his offer goes totally ignored. Zell bows his head, dejected. Several seconds later, he raises it up with a hopeful look on his face. He stands up and walks towards the cockpit. EXIT ZELL.]

[RE-ENTER ZELL, ten seconds later, again dejected and rejected. He sulks back to his seat.]


Scene 9:

[Back at Balamb Garden, at the green archway and doors that mark the entrance to the training center. Seifer is sitting on a stool, hunched over, polishing his custom-made gunblade, Hyperion.]

[Footsteps echo in the hall. Seifer looks up. ENTER CID, FOLLOWED BY RINOA.]

Seifer: Headmaster Cid!

Cid: Hello, Seifer.

Rinoa: Hi!

Seifer: What’s up?

Cid: Rinoa tells me that you discovered dogs in the dorm area this morning. Two of them.

Seifer: What?

Rinoa: You remember, Seifer! This morning, you came into Squall’s dorm room, looked at him, looked at Angelo, then looked at me, and said Squall had two dogs in his room.

Seifer: You still don’t get it, do you?

Cid: Get what? What?s going on?

Seifer: Look, sir, there aren’t two dogs. There’s just the one. Saying two dogs was a joke on my part.

Rinoa: A joke? [She begins to scratch her head] I don’t get it.

Seifer: It’s an insult joke. A put-down. Look, I mockingly suggested that Rinoa was a dog, because “dog” is a colloquial way of saying a given human female is unattractive. Ergo, there were two dogs in the room, Rinoa’s dog Angelo, and Rinoa.

Cid: I’m not following you.

Rinoa: Wait? The dog’s name is Rinoa? Weird. Good choice of names, though.

Seifer: Look! I said Rinoa was a dog! As an insult! There isn?t really another dog!

Cid: You’re not making any sense, Seifer.

Seifer: [Shakes his head and buries it in his gloved hands.]

Cid: So where’s this other dog now?

Seifer: [Looks up, angrily] Damn it, there is no other dog! Don’t listen to her! She’s a blithering imbecile! Look, she’s so phenomenally stupid she has no idea I just insulted her!

[Rinoa smiles and waves at Seifer, every bit as unaware as Seifer claims.]

Cid: Seifer!

Seifer: It’s true! Rinoa, do you know what the phrase “blithering imbecile” means?

Rinoa: [Scratches her head and looks befuddled] Nope. Sorry. Shouldn’t you look these words up before you use them?

Seifer: See what I mean, Cid?

Cid: Seifer, I’m really concerned about this. Having two dogs running around the Garden just simply will not do. I’d get our best SEEDS on this straightaway except I’ve already dispatched them to escort a foreign diplomat. So, Seifer, I think that, especially in light of how you were the one who first witnessed this canine outbreak, I’ll assign you to the task of locating these dogs and quarantining them.

Rinoa: Both of them?

Cid: Yes, dear.

[Seifer stands motionless, jaw dropped, in paralyzing disbelief.]

Cid: And don’t leave your mouth open like that. Especially with all these dogs running around. Wouldn?t want to inadvertently swallow a rogue flea or something. Just not healthy.


[Rinoa walks up to Seifer and pushes his jaw closed for him.]

Seifer: This can’t be happening.

[Pause. He looks at Rinoa, accusingly.]

Seifer: What are you still doing here?

Rinoa: Can I help you look for the other dog?

[Seifer slaps himself in the forehead.]

Seifer: And to think I begged to be let back into this place. I can only hope Squall is having a miserable time right now…


Lol! This is turning out to be every bit as good as ‘Scenes from a Parallel Universe’ :slight_smile:

I’m with the magical catastrophe due to the moon here :slight_smile:

Scene 10:

[In the cockpit of the Ragnarok, where Seifer’s wish seems to be granted. The auto-pilot sign is lit up and reads “ON” as Squall slumps disconsolately in the pilot seat. His chin rests on his fist. In the background, we can hear excited voices and laughing. Selphie’s voice and laughter stands out as the loudest and most excited of all.]

[Squall sighs.]


Zell: Yo, Squall!

Squall: Hello, Zell.

Zell: Hey, Laguna says he’s your father? Is that true?

Squall: Yeah. And I’m the reason for his visit, too.

Zell: Wow! Lucky you!

Squall: I wouldn’t go that far.

Zell: Why don’t you switch on Auto-Pilot and come join us? Laguna’s telling us old war stories. He’s a pretty cool guy. Wish I had a dad as cool as yours.

Squall: No, thank you.

Zell: What, you’d rather sit up here and be all alone and mope?


Zell: Oh, yeah, heh, you’re kinda into that, aren’t ya. Okay, suit yourself. I’m going back to the others.


Squall: Just my luck. He’s a big hit.


[Selphie races up to Squall and grabs him by the arm. She is highly excited and, as she speaks, her words run together, barely coherent.]

Selphie: Oh my God, oh my God, Squall! Laguna’s your father!

Squall: Yes, I know.

Selphie: That is so cool!

Squall: I beg to differ.

Selphie: So, like, you could put in a good word for me with him. You know, when you’re hanging out together, and stuff. He’s not married, is he?

[Squall is silent, and growing wide-eyed.]

Selphie: Wow, he’s just, wow. Oh, man, look at me, I’m shaking, and I’m babbling, I’m so nervous. I bet a look like a total dork. He’s amazing, Squall. Such great stories. And funny jokes! And… [her voice trails off, and her eyes flutter] …he’s sooo hot.

Squall: Selphie! That’s my dad you’re talking about!

Selphie: Well he is! C’mon Squall, put The Ragnarok on auto-pilot and come back there and help me talk to him! What does he like? What is he interested in? What are his turn-ons?

[She tries to drag Squall out of the pilot?s seat, to no avail.]

Squall: I barely know the guy! He abandoned my mom before I was even born!

Selphie: Come on! [She turns her head and looks back into the passenger compartment.] Crap! What if Quistis makes a move on him while I’m away? Aaaah! [she lets go of Squall and bolts for the exit.] Back off Quistis! He’s mine, I saw him first!


Squall: I was afraid this would happen. They all like him.


Quistis: Hello, Squall. I see you’ve got The Ragnarok on auto-pilot. Thinking of joining us?

[Quistis sits down in the co-pilot’s seat.]

Squall: [grumpy] No.

Quistis: He’s your father.

Squall: Yes, he is.

Quistis: Not up for father-son bonding, then, are you?

Squall: Where would we even start? He’s a complete stranger to me. We only found out we were related a couple weeks ago. A couple weeks before that I had no knowledge he even existed. He knows nothing about me! And I know nothing about him.

[Pause. Squall’s tone grows bitter.]

Squall: Except for the fact he walked out on my mother before I was born. And when she died, he showed up just long enough to stick me in an orphanage with you people rather than be a parent to me. Now, with my awkward growing up years out of the way, he wants to be my dad all of a sudden.

Quistis: He seems quite the charmer, though. Selphie and Zell are rather impressed with him. Even Irvine is starting to warm up to him.

Squall: What about you?

[Quistis stands up and begins walking around the cockpit. She comes to a stop and stands behind Squall.]

Quistis: Well, actually, he is rather amusing. He has that dopey slapstick charm working for him.

Squall: So he’s a buffoon? Great. One more reason not to talk to him.

Quistis: This from the man dating The Queen Airhead.

Squall: Look, I just don?t want to deal with him, all right?

Quistis: Considering he’s on vacation just to see you, I think dealing with him will be rather difficult to avoid.


Squall: So what should I do?

[But there is no answer, of course. Squall turns around and realizes yes, Quistis is gone.]

Squall: [sarcastic] Thanks for the help.


Irvine: Yo.

[Squall nods ever so slightly, the bare minimum to acknowledge Irvine?s presence, and says nothing.]

Irvine: Is he really your dad?

Squall: [tense, irritated] Yes. And everyone else seems to think he’s just so wonderful, too.

Irvine: [jealous and outraged tone] Selphie’s all over him! It’s like she?s totally forgotten I’m even there.

Squall: What are you going to do?

Irvine: What am I going to do? What are YOU going to do? It’s your dad in there that’s stealing my woman!

Squall: I don?t know! I?m stuck with the guy for the next week. We all are.

Irvine: What does he know? What’s the secret of his technique? I gotta find out what Selphie sees in that guy… I must learn from him…


[Squall buries his head on the flight panel.]