Fanfiction + Sitcom = ????

Now I feel totally inadequate with my own story…


Scene 11:

[With the grinding of hydraulics and a rising circle of smoke and dust, The Ragnarok touches down at Balamb Garden’s airstation, seen from a distance.]

[Cut to the passenger bay, where the travelers exit one by one. Zell, Quistis, Laguna, Selphie with a death grip on Laguna’s arm, Irvine watching the two in jealous fascination, and finally Squall, head down, kicking rocks, hands in his pockets.]

[Cut. The procession is entering Garden and walks down the main corridor. Laguna tells a joke. Irvine laughs a little. Everyone else laughs a lot. Squall doesn’t laugh at all.]

Laguna: So this is Garden, eh?

Quistis: Yes. Cafeteria and Infirmary are on your left, Library and Training Center are on your right…

Selphie: [Interrupting] Don’t worry Quisty, I’ll show him around! [purrs] And the dorms – including mine, by the way – are right over there. [Points to the dorms suggestively.]

Squall: I’ll go tell Cid we all made it back.

[Squall stomps off. Exit Squall.]

Selphie: C’mon, I’ll show you my Timber Maniacs collection! I’ve got all the ones with your articles, you know.

Laguna: Really?

Selphie: Yeah. [Winks] They’re under my bed.

Quistis: I’m sorry Mr. Loire. We’re soldiers by nature, most of us aren’t particularly well-versed in the subtleties and niceities of polite conversation.

Laguna: Eh, no biggie. I used to be one myself. I don’t mind. It’s kinda cute, actually.

[Selphie giggles and blushes. Irvine winces.]

Quistis: Selphie, don’t… [long pause] …Just Don’t. Okay?

Selphie: Don’t what?

Quistis: Whatever you’re thinking right now. Don’t.

Irvine: Yeah…

[Enter Seifer and Rinoa, walking with her head down.]

Rinoa: [whistling] Here boy! Here boy!

[She bumps into Laguna, nearly knocking him over.]

Laguna: Ow!

Rinoa: Sorry!


Rinoa: Hey, have you guys seen any dogs around here?

Quistis: We’ve been flying across the world to pick up a foreign dignitary, and we returned just minutes ago. How would it be possible for any of us to have seen any canine life form in the walls of this garden, you phenomenally idiotic girl?

Rinoa: Right. But Cid wanted us to look for two. Have you seen any?

Zell: I thought there was just the one – yours?

Seifer: [whimpering] Please don’t start this again!

Laguna: [looking at Seifer] Hey, don’t I know you?

Seifer: Me? [suddenly tense]

Laguna: Yeah. You look really familiar.

Seifer: I’ve never seen you before.

Laguna: [laughs] You know, it’s the funniest thing. You look an awful lot the face of Public Enemy #1 on our Wanted posters back in Esthar. Imagine that!

Seifer: [very nervous now] That’s an amazing coincidence. But I’ve never been to Esthar.

Zell: Hey Seifer, what about the time when you-- ?

[Seifer throws a quick and powerful left hook to Zell’s jaw, knocking him unconscious before he can relay the damning evidence.]

Laguna: What was he talking about?

Seifer: Oh, nothing. Come on Rinoa, got to find the dogs, come on! [Seifer grabs her roughly by the wrist and drags her off before Laguna gets a chance to recognize him. EXIT SEIFER AND RINOA.]

Laguna: What a strange pair.

Quistis: Yes. That genius of a young lady also happens to be your son’s girlfriend.

Laguna: Why are they looking for dogs?

Quistis: A long story, I’m sure.

Selphie: Plenty of time to tell you in my room! [tries to drag him in the direction of the dorms.]

Irvine: But Selphie, you don’t know either!

Selphie: [Aside To Irvine] Shhhh! [To Laguna] Come on, my room’s this way.

Laguna: Okay.


Irvine: Oh man…

Quistis: All right, Irvine, help me drag Zell to the Infirmary. Maybe it’ll help you get your mind off losing your girlfriend to a man twice your age.

[Quistis smirks as Irvine groans.]


Scene 12:

[Outside Cid’s Office. The doors slide open, Squall shuffles out, and walks down the corridor.]

[He walks towards his dorm room. On the way, he walks past an excited Selphie making a bee-line for her dorm room, with Laguna stumbling behind, struggling to keep up as she drags him by the arm.]

[Squall sighs and shakes his head.]


Scene 13:

[Selphie’s dorm room. A promotional poster from “The Sorceress’ Knight” film (starring Laguna Loire) decorates the wall… eleven times over. Her computer is on, and a Laguna-themed screen-saver bounces merrily across the monitor. A massive stack of old Timber Maniacs magazines sits by the bed, which currently has two people seated on it. Laguna and Selphie.]

Selphie: This is so cool!

Laguna: Wow, you sure have a lot of stuff with… me… on it.

Selphie: Yeah.

Laguna: Even the poster from that movie I did. Eleven posters of it. That’s quite a lot.

Selphie: Well I really liked it.

Laguna: How’d you get so many?

Selphie: [speaking rapid-fire] 15th Anniversary re-release, free replica poster with proof of purchase, bought it in all formats, wanna watch it?

Laguna: Sure, I guess. Never actually did watch the film. Kinda weird, huh?

Selphie: [still speaking nearly a mile a minute] You should, it’s a really great film, VHS, DVD, CD-ROM, or we could listen to the cassette series from the novel version, I’ve got the computer game too, if you wanna play that, but maybe you’re too old, I bought the old Betamax version too, even though I don’t have a Beta player anymore, of course, but I hunted around at flea markets and classified ads until I found one, so I could play it.

[She gets up and rummages around in her video collection, turning her back to Laguna and bending over to do so. She makes a point of wiggling her ass not-so-subtly in the process.]

Laguna: Uh, no thank you.

Selphie: Ooh, we could read your old articles in Timber Maniacs maybe?

[She turns around and leans over the stack of magazines, this time deliberately trying to give Laguna a glimpse of her cleavage.]

Laguna: Maybe later. I really want to have a talk with my son. That’s pretty much why I came.

Selphie: Oh, yeah, of course, sorry, [stands up straight] it’s just that I’m a really really really big fan of yours and I’m really excited to finally get to meat you and, [she stammers] wow. [She laughs.] I could show you to his room.

Laguna: I’d like that.

Selphie: Okay [she reattaches herself to Laguna’s arm and pulls him to his feet.] This way!


Scene 14:

[Squall sits in his dorm room on his unmade bed, sulking. He hears footsteps outside his door. He looks up.]

Laguna: I hope it’s not Laguna. I’m just not ready for this.

[There’s a long stretch of time, silent save for the faint sound of someone pressing a button and nothing happening.]

[Squall breathes a sigh of relief.]

Squall: Rinoa, for the last time, that’s not a doorbell.

Rinoa: [outside] Oh! Sorry! That gets me every time.

[There’s a knock at the door.]

Squall: Come on in.

[But Rinoa doesn’t come in.]

Squall: The green button!

Rinoa: Oh yeah!

[The doors slide open. ENTER RINOA. Rinoa sits down next to Squall and puts her arm around him.]

Rinoa: What’s up?

Squall: [shrugs his shoulders] Nothing, really.

Rinoa: Is that old guy with the long hair your dad that you were gonna go get?

Squall: Yeah.

Rinoa: He seems like a really nice guy!

Squall: Everyone else seems to think so.

Rinoa: You talk to him yet?

Squall: No.

[Squall lowers his head. There’s a long silence.]

Rinoa: Oh, I get it. You’re upset, right, because he abandoned you when you were little and you’re still pretty mad about that but you feel bad for feeling that way, because all your friends think the world of him?

Squall: Yeah.

Rinoa: So you’re conflicted inside as to whether you really have a right to feel the way you do because you have all this cognitive dissonance between your own opinion which you know to be valid and the conflicting opinion of your friends which you value highly.

Squall: [surprised by this sudden show of intelligence] Yeah! Rinoa, this is all really… insightful.

Rinoa: And so while earlier you were convinced it was just him being a bad father, you’re starting to wonder now if maybe you aren’t a bad son because you’re not forgiving him, and that’s because of your long-standing issues about abandonment and difficulty in allowing yourself to open up to and rely on others.

Squall: You’re right! So what do you think I should do?

Rinoa: Well, he came here just to visit you, so it’s inevitable that he and you are going to have the big father-son talk. You just need to find a way to say that you want to forgive him without letting go of your legitimate feelings of abandonment. Hold him accountable without holding a grudge because after all, he is your father and he’s here for you now, which while very late is better than never at all.

Squall: How do I say that?

Rinoa: Well, the way I’d say it is… [her voice trails off as her eye catches something on Squall’s nightstand. It?s his big, gaudy, steel silver lion’s head pendant necklace, shimmering in the artifical light of the room.] OOOH! SHINY OBJECT!

[Rinoa races over to Squall’s nightstand, picks up the necklace and begins to dangle it in front of her face, completely distracted.

Squall: What the hell do I say, Rinoa?

Rinoa: [not listening] Oooh, pretty…

It’s aliiive! :yipee:

and the first episode is very nearly finished, actually [Finally]. 14 (unfinished) is probably going to tie up all the loose ends and be the climactic final scene. (But it’s been a while since The Willingness Spirit has aligned with the “Get My Brother The Hell Off The Computer So I Can Write” Gnome… oh well. I’ll try to make the second episode start and end quicker.)

Squall: [anxious] Rinoa!

[But she doesn’t react.]

[There’s a knock at the door. Squall starts to panic, fearful it might be Laguna knocking.]

Squall: Hello?

[He’s right, of course.]

Laguna: [outside the door] Squall!

Squall: Rinoa! What do I say?

Rinoa: [trailing off] So pretty… Very… Very… Pretty…

Selphie: [also outside the door] Squall! Open up! Your incredibly hunky dad is out here! Hold on, Laguna. Your son’s a little shy. I’ll fix this…

[A few random beeps and banging noises, and then, the drooping town of something powering down. And then, there’s a dull click. The door opens.]

[ENTER LAGUNA AND SELPHIE (twirling a credit card in her fingers).]

Selphie: [to the audience] The key to any door in your way. Galbadian Express. Don’t leave home with out it! Booya!


Laguna: Squall…

Squall: Laguna…

[They’re both really awkward]

Laguna: …son.

[Squall doesn?t say anything.]

Laguna: I guess we’ve both been trying to avoid this, huh?

Squall: Yeah.

[Long, awkward pause.]

Laguna: That friend of yours. Selphie. She’s rather, um, interesting.

Squall: Obsessed.

Laguna: [laughs nervously] Yeah. It?s actually a little creepy.

[Long Pause.]

Laguna: I guess I don’t really know what to say.

Squall: [shoots a hostile glance at Rinoa] Neither do I.

Laguna: I’m…glad we were able to find each other.

Squall: …I’m no good at this.

[Squall stands up and paces around the room. Away from the bed, past the window, around Rinoa. He never approaches Laguna.]

Laguna: Huh?

Squall: I… I guess I don’t really like you.

[Morose, isolated piano music begins to play.]

Laguna: [taken aback] Oh. [Pause] I suppose I can?t blame you. I was a pretty bad father.

Squall: You weren’t a father at all. You have to at least be around to be a bad father.

Laguna: Guess you’re pretty pissed. I suppose you should be. I probably shouldn’t have tried to come here.

Squall: Plus, Ellone’s shown me your past. I think you?ve been a bumbling buffoon for years.

Laguna: Embarrasses you to descend from that. Doesn’t it?

Squall: And now, when you finally show up, all my friends seem to like you better. It’s like you’re taking them from me.

Laguna: I’m not trying to.

Squall: I know. Things just go that way for you. Luck just goes your way. People just come to you. They just walk out on me. And it all started with you.

Laguna: I feel really bad about that. But that really doesn’t change things much, does it?

Squall: No.

Laguna: Didn’t think so. So, this is it, then.

Squall: I think it should be.

[Squall glances down on the still-preoccupied Rinoa.]

Squall: Just as well. [Squall pulls Rinoa to her feet.] I’ve only got the patience to deal with one clumsy dimwit in my life. He wraps one arm around her shoulder.]

[And then, he twitches. With a “woof!” Angelo barrels out from under Squall’s bed and wraps himself around Squall’s leg.]

Squall: And her little dog, too.

Rinoa: [still dangling the necklace in front of her face] So shiny!

Laguna: What’s that?

Squall: I dunno. [He looks at it.] Oh, it’s my necklace.

Laguna: [Staring at it] what’s on it?

Squall: [not looking away] …a lion.

[And Rinoa, blissfully clueless, continues to swing it back and forth in a pendulum.]

[Before long, Squall and Laguna are totally out of it. And the melancholy piano stops.]

Rinoa: I gotta get one just like this!

[Nothing happens for nearly 30 seconds. Then…]

[Selphie busts in (ENTER SELPHIE), after lurking outside Squall’s door, spying on Laguna.]

Selphie: What’s going on? Oh, hey Rin, what’s up?

Rinoa: SHH! Watching the shiny object!

Selphie: Huh? What? Oh. [She grabs Laguna’s arm.] Are you done yet? Wanna come back to my room and… oh boy that sounds so naughty. Hey, what are you looking at? It’s just Squall?s dumb necklace. What’s so interesting about it?

[And Selphie starts staring at it too, and following it back and forth with her eyes. Oops.]


Irvine: Selphie, we need to talk, like, right now. [Walks over to Selphie.] Whatcha lookin’ at? [Irvine, leaning over Selphie (and pressing not so subtly up against her) starts looking at whatever Selphie finds so intruiging. The pendant. And before long, he’s hypnotized just like all the rest.]

Quistis: [outside, in the hall] Damn it, where the hell is everyone? Is professionalism a concept utterly foreign to everyone except me? We can’t be losing track of Mr. Loire! Do you know what’s going to happen to us if we MISPLACE the president of the largest country on the planet?


Quistis: Oh, there you are. [Notices five people huddled together, all staring at the same thing.] What in Hyne’s name are the lot of you doing? [Quistis comes over and begins to stare at the pendant.] It’s just a metal pendant necklace! Honestly people, I don’t see what is so terribly fascinating about this pendant that you all feel compelled to watch it swing back and forth… back and forth… back and forth… [her voice trails off.]

[And then there were six, of which only Rinoa remains lucid. After all, you can?t hypnotize stupid people.]


Seifer: Rinoa, are you in here? Of course you’re in here, it’s Squall’s room. You’re never not in here. [Glimpses the congregation.] What the hell?

[Seifer, from a safe distance, looks at Rinoa. Then at the others. Then at Rinoa. Then at the others. And he smirks.]

Seifer: A-ha. [He pauses.] Hey, Rinoa! I have a plan to find that other dog! [Chuckles to himself.]

Rinoa: [not looking up] Okay, fine, whatever, hold on, tell me later, I?m busy right now.

[Seifer snatches the necklace out of her hand.]

Rinoa: [angry] SEIFER! I was looking at that!

Seifer: I need this for my plan.

Rinoa: Give it back!

Seifer: …Sure, okay. Actually, that’ll work better. Rinoa?

Rinoa: Yes?

Seifer: [impish grin] Go show this to Zell. I’ll meet up with you later. After I pick up the “Balamb Barker” mascot costume.

Rinoa: What for?

Seifer: [winking] For the other dog to wear, silly.

Rinoa: Okay. See you later!

[Rinoa begins to play with the shiny object again and wanders out the door towards Zell’s room. EXIT RINOA. Cackling to himself, Seifer sprints out the door towards the athletic department, to get the anthropomorphic dog mascot costume. He slams the door on the way out. EXIT SEIFER.]

[The sound of the door slamming startles everyone else awake. Squall, Irvine, Laguna, Selphie, and Quistis all look around bewildered.]


That had me in fits! :hahaha; You haven’t lost your touch, Kaiser :slight_smile:

Good job, Kaiser :slight_smile:


[A motor hums, a lone sound accompanying a black screen. Both persist for several seconds. And then…]

[A smacking sound is heard.]

Zell’s Voice: Ow!

Seifer’s Voice: Why are you hitting yourself?

[A smacking sound is heard.]

Zell’s Voice: Ow!

Seifer’s Voice: Why are you hitting yourself?

[A smacking sound is heard.]

[Fade in.]

[Straight-on view of the inside of an automobile. Quistis is driving. Seifer and Zell are in the back seat. Seifer has a death-grip around the wrist of Zell’s right arm, and is moving Zell’s arm in such a way that Zell is slapped in the face by his own hand. Repeatedly.]

[A smacking sound is heard.]

Zell: Ow!

Seifer: Why are you hitting yourself?

[A smacking sound is heard.]

Zell: Ow!

Seifer: Why are you hitting yourself?

Zell: Stop! Quistis! Seifer won’t leave me alone!

Quistis: Would you two cut it out? I have grown sick to death of being the lone adult in our group. Cease acting like children!

Zell: [Whiny Voice] We’re not acting like children!

Seifer: Shut up, tattle-tale!

Zell: You shut up, stupid-head!

Seifer: Chicken Wuss!

[They stick their tongues out at each other and slide to opposite sides of the back seat.]

Quistis: We will reach the outskirts of Deling City in 30 minutes, where we will be meeting our client for this mission, and getting the full debriefing. From there, we will…

[But Zell and Seifer are engaged in a competition, trying to see who can stick their tongue out at the other person further. Quistis, glancing over her shoulder, notices this.]

Quistis: They aren’t listening, they aren’t interested, they’re just going end up asking me to explain all over again, what’s the point?

[And she stops talking and turns on the radio. Music comes on. Quistis makes a displeased face, and begins to fiddle with the tuner knob, trying to find a suitable notch on the AM band, eventually settling for a Classical station. She cracks a slight smile.]

[But her bliss is short lived. The bass line of a rap song begins to thunder as a big ghetto blaster van comes barreling down the road, and pulls even with the SEED car. It drowns out Quisty’s favored classical music station completely. She frowns.]

[The van pulls one car-length ahead and immediately merges in front of them, cutting them off. Quistis makes the motion of honking her horn, but no honk is heard, as it too is completely drowned out by the rap music. Also completely drowned out are a series of profane words flowing from her mouth.]

[The van accelerates and pulls away, and the rap music diminishes.]

Quistis: Right. That’s it. That’s it!

[The engine wails as Quistis floors the accelerator and tears off down the highway at an unsafe speed. Seifer and Zell are thrown back against the seat, completely bewildered as to where Quistis’ sudden case of road rage has come from, since they haven?t been paying attention.]

[Camera cuts to a helicopter view, showing a long stretch of highway, and the blue SEED car as it hauls ass down the strip, steadily gaining on a black van. Sound effects from an auto-race are heard to underscore just how fast Quistis is now driving.]

[It weaves in and out of the light traffic seamlessly, despite the breakneck speed, and pulls even with the van, and then blows past it. Quistis pulls far ahead, still not slowing down, until she is well over a mile ahead of the van, when she slams on the breaks and the car spins out, coming to a stop and facing the opposite direction of oncoming traffic.]

[Cut back to close up view as Quistis calmly kills the engine and steps out of the vehicle, leaving the boys to themselves in the back.]

Zell: Huh? What’s going on?

[The sound of rap music and screeching tires indicate that the van has caught up and pulled to a stop.]

Seifer: I wonder what Quistis is up to…

[Seifer soon gets his answer. The view shakes violently and the boys are bounced around the backseat as a huge explosion sounds.]

[Cut to stock footage of an explosion, and a huge fireball shooting into the sky.]

[Back to the boys, watching on flabbergasted, as Quistis, calmly and innocently adjusting her glasses, sits down in the driver’s seat and gently restarts the engine, whistling the same classical tune she was listening to earlier.]


Scene 2:

[Squall sits slumping on the edge of his bed in his dorm room when he hears the sound of running footsteps coming down the hall, and then the sound of an adult-sized human body slamming against his dorm room door.]

Rinoa’s Voice: Oh. Duh! Hee hee!

[The door opens. ENTER RINOA.]

Rinoa: Squall! [She runs up and hugs him tightly. Squall eventually lifts his arms half-enthusiastically and hugs back. Immediately after Angelo, with a yelp, affixes himself to Squall’s leg.]

Squall: Hey.

[Rinoa releases her embrace. Angelo follows suit.]

Rinoa: Like my new shirt? I just got it!

[Rinoa shimmies in place, showing off her new T-shirt. It’s one of those “instant attitude” slogan shirts. This one happens to be gray with pink lettering that spells out “What You See is What You Get” across the chest. Rinoa grins widely, indicating she’s very pleased with it.]

Rinoa: Cool, isn’t it? “What you see is what you get!” It’s so in your face, and irreverent. Yeah!

Squall: [with much less enthusiasm] Yeah.

[There’s a knock at the door.]

Squall: Can you see who’s at the door, Rin?

Rinoa: Hold on.

[Rinoa turns around to see who is at the door. She pivots in place…and stops. And stares. Hard. She leans forward slightly, and squints her eyes. She tilts her head to one side. Then, slowly, to the other. After about half a minute, she shakes her head.]

Rinoa: …Nope. Sorry.

Squall: [groaning as he stands up] Nevermind. Should’ve known better.

Rinoa: Hey, What you see is what you get! [She strikes a bratty pose.]

Squall: Yes, there’s certainly not a brain concealed anywhere on your person.

[Squall opens the door. Enter Irvine.]

Irvine: Hey man.

Squall: Hi, Irvine.

Rinoa: Hey, Irvine! Guess what?

Irvine: What?

Rinoa: [stands triumphantly again] What you see is what you get! Uh!

Irvine: [confused] Huh?

Squall: Don’t worry about it. What’s going on?

Irvine: Uh, not much. Have you seen Qui–wait.

[Irvine starts to cautiously survey the immediate area.]

Irvine: [whispering] Have you seen Selphie around here recently?

Squall: No.

Rinoa: Nope.

Irvine: [breathes a sigh of relief.] Oh. Cool. [Speaking loud and with bravado] Have you seen Quistis around lately?

Squall: She was sent on a mission.

Irvine: Yeah?

Squall: About a week ago.

Irvine: Wow. She didn’t tell me she was going on a mission!

Squall: She doesn’t tell you anything.

Irvine: Yeah, you’re right.

Squall: I think the fact that she is completely and utterly repulsed by you may have something to do with it.

Irvine: What? No way! That’s impossible.


Scene 3:

[Close up of a laptop computer screen. Someone is typing up an e-mail message. The content reads as follows:

Subj: Mister Loverboy

Dear Irvine:

I am completely and utterly repulsed by you. The mere sight of you makes me vomitously ill, and every aspect of your personality is totally offensive to every facet of my moral code and my aesthetic sensibility. I hope you manage to trap your private parts in an active meat grinder before you have the opportunity to procreate, due to the fact that the idea of having to share a mid-sized planet with any offspring of yours depresses me to no measurable end.

Ms. Quistis Trepe
SeeD, Rank A

P.S. And you smell funny, too.

[Pan to the smirking face of Quistis, merrily typing away on her laptop’s keyboard.]

Quistis: And… Send!

[She clicks the “Send” icon on the screen.]

Quistis: Ah, that was very theraputic.