So it’s just about that time of year again where the collective videogame industry embarrass themselves in a gilded pageantry of soon to be silly internet memes made of empty promises, bad acting, broken engrish, and general cluelessness.
Figured I might as well kick off the discussion thread now since Konami’s doing yet another pre-E3 conference tomorrow at 12:30 in the morning MST. Most likely it’ll neither be live or as hilarious of a trainwreck as their 2010 performance was but hopefully they’ll Transfar something better than just Transfarring.
Also, some more details on ZOE3, that new 3DS Castlevania, and possible retro revival wouldn’t hurt.
I honestly don’t know what to expect this year. Nintendo stole the show two years ago and last year’s was just about equally impressive. All I expect to see from them is more Wii U jerking and 3DS titles. Oh, and PS Vita and Sexbox blah blah whatever.
i was in the bathroom at my dr.s office this morning takin a poop and giving a ua. this cute nurse accidentally opened the door mid-wipe. she screamed and slammed the door shut. so I whispered
“hey baby, why don’t you come on back”
and so her eyes opened snap, tears runnin down and i said
“hey baby, why don’t you come sit on papa’s lap”
and so her legs moved quack, like a duck and i said
Overall excited, since they already revealed their new gadgets last year, I have no clue what they could sow us now besides new games. Unless they just waste the whole thing pimping their shit.
Hope’s so, so low on that front. Suikoden V showed that they definitely could make a good game, but everything since has been a downwards slope.
Unfortunately, I highly doubt they’ll be touching Suikoden in the near future given how last year’s turned out. Plus they’ll hopefully be looking for somebody other than fucking Tri-Ace to help them with their next RPG.
Welp. I’ve just spent the last hour and a half fighting with my fossilized computer over trying to get through Konami’s prerecorded teaser video before Adobe finally gave up the ghost and crashed. Unfortunately, it was pretty sterile what with the first half of the video consisting of Soccer, Anime, Social Games, and talking about how awesome Metal Gear is. Fortunately, the Revengeance trailer had some ghetto Edward Scissor-hands wannabe shambling about in a spandex costume and four-fifths of a face mask while shoving a sword into a toilet and ringing a bell around town (and Jehuty) so it wasn’t a complete waste of time.
Oh gods. The Phantom. I remember seeing an old video from some E3 or something… The guy talking about it had such wonderful things to say about it. He called it “my little storm trooper” and recommended that people should “touch it, feel it, take it home”. >_>
I’m going to go hide in Pandora’s box with Hope, because I 'm not giving it up :). I know the chances are slim, but besides Final Fantasy and Disgaea, Suikoden was one of my favorite series.
So it looks like Nintendo’s taking the time to set the record straight about just what the hell the WiiU actually is instead of letting the chucklefucks at EA and Ubisoft convince everybody that the WiiU is just Nintendo’s latest overpriced peripheral.
According to Suikosource, http://www.suikosource.com/, last year the origianl Suikoden team was disolved, but then in Septemeber a new “spinoff” game was annouced for the PSP. I guess the series is still technically alive, albeit on life support.
It’s a sad sad day when your most entertaining title is fucking South Park. Trey Parker and Matt Stone did what pretty much everybody else wanted to do, post some game footage then immediately vacate the building.
The rest consisted…
Metroid Prime 4: Halo
Call of Duty: Splinter Cell
Football
Football
Forza: Dubstep Edition
Necks of War: Baird Edition
Some more Lara Croft torture porn
Some thing where progressively bigger dudes get gibed by progressively bigger dudes.
Resident Evil: Quick Time Event edition
Angry Birds: Kinect
And Call of Duty: Call of Duty Edition
and a solid hour of Kinect/Bing/Nike/Tablet/ESPN/ZuneMKII bullshit.
Dead Space 3: Gears of Dead Space
Madden 13 Fuck it were going full RPG (also we have the most realistic physics just as a guy goes over like a rag doll)
Sim City Face Book
Sim City 5 actually looks interesting with multiplayer
Expansions for Battlefield
Same with TOR
Medal of Honor putting me to sleep
Social sports
UFC partnership that only meat heads care about
Need for Speed Remake actually putting me to sleep (but so far the only game actually being played this E3 as evident by a car getting stuck on a pole)
But I woke up in time for some Crysis 3 ripping steel support bars out of the ground and shooting down helicopters with a fucking bow and arrow
Christ! Out of everything Sim City 5 is by far and away the most interesting thing to come out of this year’s E3. At least EA had the decency to be sort of amusing at times which is a far cry above Microsoft dropping TV/movie spoilers and selling sneakers/iphones/ipads.
Well who else provides all those Smartphones and Tablets that everybody already have? You’re not going to be able to use Master Chief’s Scan Visor without one.
Yes she is and the villains are even creepier to her than before.
As for the rest of today’s conferences
Ubisoft:
Far Cry 3 painted tits, multiple islands, tigers, and surreal dream sequences. Oh my!
Rayman looks like Rayman
A bunch of WiiU stuff
Ass Creed 3 looks solid if nothing particularly new beyond changing seasons and tri-corner hats
Shooter Nation “lets give those girls a pickup”
Watchdogs is basically hackers version of Ass Creed with team support and is probably by far and away the best reveal for this year’s E3
Sony:
Beyond can only go beyond my expectations after Heavy Rain
Sony Smash Bros. gives no surprises
PSN blah blah blah free yearly subscription for attendees
Call of Dooty blah Ops confidential blah blah
Ass Creed Lady-edition now in a bundle Ass Creed 3 can haz botes and also in a bundle
Left 3 Farcry was watched in slideshow format
Move
AR Books lolololololol got ta zazz up dem boks with CYOA of Hogwarts wizardy lolololololol five house points! for probably being the most hilariously awful reveal for this year.
PS Sweet now Mobile Nathan Drake on your Android
God of War with release date of 3/12/13
And The Last of Us to close out today’s festival of hilarity/disappointments
Ubisoft being Ubisoft and Watchdogs being awesome have pretty much clenched best in show for this year but Nintendo still has at least one more conference and have proven hilariously self-aware thus far so it isn’t a sealed deal yet.
Sony disappointed with the most obvious reveals for Sony Smash Bros but their Wunder Books brought the hilarity these proceedings so desperately needed.
EA showed people actually playing one of their games and getting stuck on a pole in the process.
And Trey Parker and Matt Stone were the only point of interest during the whole of MS’s proceedings and the rest could only appeal to multiarmed ADD addled cavemen of below freezing IQ levels with money and a need for shoes for their athletes’ feet.
