Zombie Play

The Core Media Forum
1

I’ve finally decided to post it here. Remember that this is an original of Kenneth Rountree.

It’s going to be in several posts, so brace yourselves. Also: the formatting is going to look off. Don’t mind it, too much.

They Walk Among Us

CAST LIST-
LUCRETIA/AMELIA/SHANNON
ARTHURSON/CONRAD/MAN IN WHITE
NIGHT/FOLLOWER I/LAYLA
QUICK/MINISTER/JOSHUA
ROMERO/STEPHEN/CORY
RHOMBUS/FERNANDO/FOLLOWER II/TODD

SCENE ONE

(LIGHTS up on LUCRETIA sitting in a chair center stage. She wears a dark green shirt and jeans with flats. She is young and traditionally beautiful but unnaturally pale. She does not wear any jewelry or accessories on her body except for a watch which is more utilitarian than decorative.)

				LUCRETIA (as if reading from a cue-card)

I was an ordinary college student, and then one day, it just happened. I became a zombie. I lost everything. I felt discriminated against everywhere I went. I was thrown out of college. I was shot at. People threw grenades at me. I couldn’t get a decent backrub. Vic Arthurson got me the help that I needed. He got me back in school, and he got me the money that I needed.

(LIGHTS up on ARTHURSON. He is wearing a nice suit, but not overly fancy and a conservative tie. He wears a moderately priced wedding band and an earnest, but serious face as accessories.)

				ARTHURSON (as if talking into a camera)

Hi, I’m Vic Arthurson. Are you a zombie? Then you may be a victim of discrimination. Don’t put up with being stereotyped as “brainless,” a “shambler,” or “a soulless Hellpuppet.” You do not have to be chased around by maniacs wielding flamethrowers any longer. You do not have to take it. I have the highest success rate of any zombie defense lawyer in the United States, and I am willing to fight for you.

(ARTHURSON puts his hand on LUCRETIA’s shoulder. He tries not to look disgusted. She subtly cringes.)

ARTHURSON (continued)
I successfully sued Lucretia’s old workplace and got her back in school. What could I do for you? If you, or someone you know is being discriminated against, call me at one eight hundred zombie six. That’s one eight hundred zombie six. Or visit our website at www.zombielawyer.com. Remember, I’m looking out for you.

(ARTHURSON points at the “camera,” and holds it for about five seconds. LIGHTS DOWN.)

SCENE TWO

VOICE

All right and five…four…three…

(Wait for “two” and “one.” LIGHTS UP on three chairs. NIGHT, holding a microphone, is a conservatively dressed but snazzy talk show host with a voice unnecessarily loud even for talk shows. She is also the only one standing. ROMERO, sitting in the leftmost chair, wearing giant thick-framed black glasses. He carries a large shotgun, which everyone ignores. It is pointed at NIGHT at first. To his right RHOMBUS is dressed in a well-tailored grey suit. He is not telegenic. To his right QUICK is wearing a navy blue suit that looks like it is a little tight on him. He also sports a fedora, a pocket watch, a regular watch, and several rings. NIGHT flashes a fake smile to the crowd. Round of applause. NIGHT always walks to the person she is currently speaking with.)

				NIGHT

Zombies. Once regarded as fictional, now part of our everyday lives. Our topic tonight: The Origins of Zombies. Three leading experts on the subject speak today: George Romero, a self-proclaimed “zombie expert.” Dr. Rhombus, professor of philosophy at Jebediah University. And last, a regular guest on the show, Reverend John Quick, everybody’s favorite televangelist.

		(QUICK tips his hat.)

				QUICK

Always a pleasure, ma’am.

				NIGHT (ignoring QUICK)

This afternoon on Night!

		(Theme music.  Round of applause.)
						
				NIGHT

So… Romero. I understand that you changed your name to match the director’s.

				ROMERO

That’s right, Jerri. Since I first saw Night of the Living Dead, I knew that I had to share his name. He is the greatest human that has lived since Gandhi; a true prophet.

		(RHOMBUS cringes.  QUICK jumps out of his seat.)

				QUICK

Gandhi was a bringer of sin. The only true prophet is Jesus Christ.

NIGHT
I understand that you consider yourself somewhat of an expert on zombies.

				ROMERO

Yes, I do. I’ve watched every single Living Dead movie, including the Return of the Living Dead series which doesn’t really count, but I wanted to be sure anyway. I’ve even watched Redneck Zombies and Zombie Ninja Gangbangers, and so I guess you could consider me an expert.

		(QUICK sits down, realizing that nobody is paying attention.)

				NIGHT

So, you got your idea of where the zombies originated from… movies?

(RHOMBUS looks at his watch.)

				ROMERO

Why, yes. The research was extensive. It took years of my life sitting alone in front of my television.

				NIGHT

I’m sure that’s something our viewers will sympathize with.

(NIGHT laughs at her own joke.)

	NIGHT (continued)

So will you tell us your theory?

				RHOMBUS

Technically, theory isn’t the proper term. Bacon once said…

				QUICK

If this is about cabal of scientists that willingly deceive our children…

				NIGHT

Quit arguing. Now.

		(Pause.)

				NIGHT (continued)

So, Romero, will you tell us about your theory?

(RHOMBUS sighs. ROMERO nods his head emphatically. Long pause. NIGHT clears her throat.)

ROMERO
Oh! Oh! Yes. Well… it’s obvious, Jerri, that the zombies originated from a space probe. The zombies are actually infected by a virus that will make the human race destroy itself from the inside out. They will destroy our monuments, rape our women, and steal all of our popcorn.

		(Pause.)

				NIGHT

I understand that you are vilified by the scientific community, saying that your idea has absolutely no basis in reality, and that you should, and I quote, “Learn to shave with Occam’s Razor.” How do you respond to this criticism?

ROMERO
I’d never shave with someone else’s razor! You can only expect this sort of flak when you tell the truth. People didn’t believe me when I said zombies were coming. What do you see around you now? The scientific community wants me to be vilified, because they’re jealous of my success! They were humiliated. And so they want to destroy me with their accusations of uncleanliness.

		(Long pause.  ROMERO points his shotgun at RHOMBUS.)

NIGHT
So, Professor Rhombus, I understand that you have a new book.

ROMERO
I’m not finished! I didn’t even tell you about the matter transmitting properties of the enemy ship!

				NIGHT

Fascinating. It was nice speaking to you. We’re speaking with Professor Rhombus now. Kay?

				ROMERO

You have to let me have my say, or I’ll expose every member of the Illuminati right now.

				NIGHT

Shut up, or I’ll put you in the “learning room.”

		(ROMERO whimpers.  Silence.)

				NIGHT (continued)

So, tell us about your book, Professor.

QUICK
The University is Satan’s Sandbox! Do not listen, lest your ears plug up with mucous!

		(QUICK gets visibly angrier as RHOMBUS talks.)

				RHOMBUS (ignoring QUICK)

It expands on Nagel’s idea of the philosophical zombie, or “p zombie.” He spoke of the hypothetical zombie that acts exactly the same as a human being except it has no functioning brain, which is remarkably similar…

				NIGHT

That’s nice. So where do you think the zombies came from?

				RHOMBUS

Aren’t you interested in hearing my idea of expanding the notion of…

				NIGHT

Just answer the questions, smarty-pants.

				RHOMBUS

Well, that area isn’t my expertise. I could tell you something that could very well possibly provide peace among all humanity, you can’t say you’re not interested in…

				NIGHT

Give us a guess.

		(RHOMBUS sighs.)

				RHOMBUS

I would suppose that the most rational explanation would be that this is some sort of mind altering disease. That can’t possibly be true, though, otherwise they wouldn’t register as dead. They seem to act like… viruses. They move and act like living beings but they don’t have the properties of living. It could possibly be better explained in my book, Critical Evaluation of the P-Zombie: an Empirically Relativist Treatise. But then again, that would also explain the depths of the human mind, which is something that not all of us wish to delve into.

				NIGHT

I’m sorry, we have an English speaking audience.

		(A plant in the audience screams "You go, girl!"  Silence.)

				RHOMBUS

Aren’t you simpletons even capable of comprehending such rudimentary ideas?

		(Long pause.)

NIGHT
I don’t think that you’re going to be part of my book club. We don’t like pompous assholes.

				QUICK

Amen! Er… watch your language, young lady.

				RHOMBUS

Hmph. It matters not. Academic philosophy is hardly within your viewers’ grasp. I thought that I might be able to illuminate the cave walls, but you’re only watching…

				NIGHT

The learning room for you!

				RHOMBUS

…shado…oh…no… I take it back… hey… what do you think you’re…

(RHOMBUS pantomimes being forcefully taken stage left by two guards. After he exits, his arm clutches the edge of the curtain, only to be dragged off. Pause. Buzzsaw noises. QUICK’s face lights up in glee. He then recalls that he isn’t supposed to revel in such things and starts praying. At the same time, ROMERO holds his gun as if it were a baby. RHOMBUS can be heard weeping offstage. Then the weeping stops. Wet chopping noises can be heard. All noise ceases. NIGHT’s face contorts. ROMERO and QUICK sit up, and try to affect normal expressions. ROMERO points the gun at QUICK)

	NIGHT

Nobody speaks about my loyal viewers like that! NOBODY! Not on camera, anyway.

				QUICK

I know why these zombies are here. These creatures are mockeries of the Lord’s creation…

				ROMERO

I always thought that was the platypus…

				QUICK

Common mistake. Where was I? Zombies are mockeries of the Lord, only Satan himself could have made them- they’re rising up from Hell.

				ROMERO

Ah, the whole souls of the damned explanation. I thought of that, but then what would they do with their spaceship?

				NIGHT

I’m asking the questions here, buddy!

				QUICK (ignoring NIGHT)

There is no such thing as life outside of Earth, we are God’s chosen planet, if there are really other planets out there and they aren’t just scientists tricking us.

				ROMERO

You just can’t trust those scientists with their laboratories…

				NIGHT (simultaneously with "scientists")

Stop it!

				QUICK

…and their scientific method…

				ROMERO

…and their college education.

				QUICK

Ugh. We can’t forget about that. But anyway, I have a solution.

				NIGHT

Pay attention!

		(Short pause.)

				NIGHT (continued)

So I hear you have a solution.

				QUICK

God told me that the only way that we can protect ourselves from the zombie menace is to get away from them. I want all of you at home to get on your knees, and pray. “Oh, Lord Jesus, please save us from the evil zombies sent by Lucifer to destroy us… please save us from becoming one of those horrible things… and, please, please, let us find the money to donate to Reverend Quick’s Church, so he can buy a private island for us.” And if you act now, you can get a scale model of the island completely made of bratwurst!

				ROMERO

Bratwurst isn’t as good as sauerkraut… for keeping away the alien-zombie-samurai.

				NIGHT

Wait… you want to get a private island so that you can get away from the zombies?

QUICK
Yes… uh… I mean… anybody who donates will have a place on the island, of course. Not just me.

NIGHT
Isn’t this running away from the problem?

				QUICK

Jerri, the zombies are more deadly than the pagans, the homosexuals, and the abortionists combined. Do you know what that means?

				NIGHT

Uh… well… yeah. I’ll have to say, I’m at a loss for words.

QUICK
There is no better way to describe it, I know. But it means that we are doomed unless we take swift action. After we’ve spent enough time on the island, we’ll use our weapons stockpile (just a twenty dollar donation will help us, folks, that’s all we need to protect ourselves) to destroy the rest of the zombies. It’s simple and effective.

ROMERO
You have to take action against the zombies now. You can’t just sit around on an island sipping champagne… the zombies need to be destroyed. The mother ship is…

				NIGHT

Shh… the grown-ups are talking. Anyway, I have a very special guest that you’ll both be interested to meet. His name is Fernando, and he’s going to explain a few things to you.

(Enter FERNANDO. He wears sunglasses and sports a paler complexion. ROMERO points his shotgun at FERNANDO and shoots. QUICK hides under his chair. FERNANDO looks at his chest, which is now covered in a yellowish green substance. It should be as unrealistic as possible. The appearance of the substance should not sync with the firing of the gun. FERNANDO sighs and nonchalantly takes RHOMBUS’ seat. ROMERO tries to shoot again. Click.)

ROMERO
I knew I should have loaded more damned bullets.

				QUICK (Overlapping)

In Jesus’ name I pray that you did not let this darkness in here.

				NIGHT

Don’t worry about him. He’s being watched. I figured we’d need an expert perspective on this. Where’s your sense of adventure?

				ROMERO

Adventure is one thing, stupidity is another. You let a brain eating child of the damned in here, just like in Brain Eating Child of the Damned IV. What are you, some kind of nut?

(ROMERO starts to reload the gun throughout the dialogue. When he finishes, he points the gun at FERNANDO again.)

				NIGHT

No, but my ratings will go up. His name is Fernando, and he is here to talk about where zombies come from…

FERNANDO
Well, a mommy zombie and a daddy zombie love each other veeery much… no no no, I kid, I kid.

		(NIGHT lets out strained laughter.)

				FERNANDO

Anyway, I think I know where we come from. You see, I was working in the clinic with one of my patients. I was just about finished when someone burst in. I thought it was some crazy protester at first…

		(QUICK jumps out from under the chair.)

				QUICK

Wait… you let a zombie abortion doctor in here?

				FERNANDO

…but he looked pretty sick. So, naturally, him being ill, I asked him what in Hell he was doing in my office….

				QUICK

Don’t look at him! He might turn you into one of them.

				FERNANDO

He said something about the TV, I’m not completely sure. Something about television waves, warping us… then the next thing I know, the guy bit me. And here I am on the Jerri Night show!

				QUICK

You’re on the show for being a perversion of humanity. You are nothing but a predator, out for…

				FERNANDO

I’m the predator? That’s not what I heard on the news last week, Reverend. Interesting that you should…

				QUICK

It was just one girl… I swear she was eight! I mean, wait…

NIGHT
That’s quite enough of that.

		(Silence.  QUICK starts praying.)

ROMERO
Isn’t anybody going to pay attention to me? I have a deadly weapon in my hand.

(Pause. He turns towards the audience, pointing his gun at random people.)

				ROMERO (continued)

I’m ready to explode. I already shot someone. I could shoot you next. Hello? I mean, I could aim reaaaally well and get someone this time.

(“Very special” music starts playing. Sad tones. ROMERO starts jumping up and down, waving his gun around.)

				NIGHT

Now, I want you to tell these two men, what is it like to be a zombie?

				FERNANDO

It’s great.

				NIGHT

What?

(Music suddenly stops. ROMERO is still running around the studio.)

FERNANDO
I said, it’s great. I don’t have to worry about money or women or… anything, really. I have time to do what I really want to do now that I have no life. I’m going to write the great American novel, I have all the time in the world. The only cost is terrible hunger pangs which can never be sated. But I guess you can’t win them all.

		(Silence.)




				NIGHT

YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DESPONDENT. What the Hell is wrong with you? I bring you on my show, and you’re all… happy about your life. Aren’t you at least… abnormal? You’re a zombie, why aren’t you acting like one?

FERNANDO
What do you mean “act like a zombie?” I think someone needs to learn a little more about what the zombie is.

				NIGHT

How am I supposed to fill up a Goddamned hour without conflict?

				ROMERO

I’m going to shoot any moment, I swear!

				NIGHT

I have nothing.

		(ROMERO points the gun at NIGHT.)

				NIGHT (sobbing)

Absolutely nothing to fill this hour up. My show is ruined. Damn you… damn you.

				ROMERO

Damnit! Damnit… you can’t understand… you don’t even pay attention, nobody does. I discovered the damned zombies, I did, not you. You need to listen and listen good… if you don’t stop it, I’m going to paint the ceiling with your gallbladder.

				NIGHT

Wait… are you saying that you’re going to shoot me… on national television?

		(ROMERO lowers the gun.)

				ROMERO

Oh, thank God… you know I exist… I exist!

				NIGHT

What? Oh… I meant to say… there’s… absolutely nothing… nothing that will bring the ratings up after such a dull show…

		(ROMERO points the gun at NIGHT.)

				ROMERO

I’m not kidding around here. If you don’t listen to me, I’ll turn your brains into chowder.

				NIGHT

You know, I think that we’ve learned something tonight. It doesn’t matter if you’re a zombie…

				QUICK

Yes it does! Don’t listen to her. The abortionist possessed her with his demon powers!

				ROMERO (simultaneously)

Don’t you understand? You’re a dead woman!

				FERNANDO (simultaneously)

Haven’t we had enough quibbling already?

				NIGHT (simultaneously)

…or a human, as long as you have what’s in here.

(NIGHT points to her heart. ROMERO points the gun at her heart.)

	FERNANDO

The guy who turned me ate my heart…

NIGHT (ignoring FERNANDO)
Remember that you all have what it takes to be all that you are and be the best that you can no matter what your position in life. I’m Jerri Night, and this was the Jerri Night show.

		(LIGHTS DOWN.  Gunshot.)
2

SCENE THREE
(LIGHTS UP on a wheeled bed. Slow, sexy piano music plays. AMELIA lies next to CONRAD in said bed. AMELIA is in lingerie and CONRAD is in boxers. CONRAD is a zombie. AMELIA pets CONRAD’s hair. CONRAD lets out a happy sigh. He takes out a cigarette and starts to light it. The diction of both characters should be soap opera-like.)

				AMELIA

You shouldn’t do that honey, you could…

		(CONRAD smiles at AMELIA.)

				AMELIA (cont.)

Oh… right. (Pause.) Well, I’m not dead yet, silly.

(CONRAD hesitates, and then puts away the cigarette. He kisses AMELIA on the forehead.)

				AMELIA (cont.)

You’re such a sweetheart. (Silence.) Well?

				CONRAD

Well, what?

				AMELIA

How was it?

				CONRAD

It was good. It was good.

(There is a ripping sound. CONRAD looks under the covers. Silence.)

	CONRAD

Damnit. Now it’s going to have to be sewed on again.

				AMELIA

Mmm… that’s okay. I like it when it’s freshly sown on. Yummy.

				CONRAD

Not again. Can’t we wait a bit?

		(Pause.)

AMELIA
What’s wrong? Aren’t I satisfying you anymore?

				CONRAD

What? What? No… no… that’s not it, honey.

				AMELIA

Then what, Conrad?

				CONRAD

I just don’t understand why you stay with me.

				AMELIA

What do you mean by that? Is there someone else?

		(CONRAD sighs.  He wipes his forehead.)

				CONRAD

No… no… that’s not it. No. It’s just that… I have to be a bother. I mean, I don’t sleep. I roam all hours of the night looking for rats and stray dogs, I smell… I can’t smell me, but I know I do. People cough when I walk by. I tried to shower the other day, and all it did was make me wet and stinking. It won’t be long before I start rotting all over the house, leaving my body parts all over the floor.

				AMELIA

Honey… no… no… of course I still want to be with you. I mean, you’re a little sick, but that’s okay. Everybody gets sick. Some people are just… sicker than others. Maybe someday they’ll find a cure.

				CONRAD

They’ll never find a cure for death, Amelia. That’s just the way it is. I’m going to be like this until some whacko throws me in an incinerator.

		(AMELIA sits up sharply.)

				AMELIA

Conrad T. Jacobson, don’t you say that! Of course they’ll find a cure. You’ll be better. You’ll be better someday, even if I’m gone long after, someday…

				CONRAD

I don’t want to think about that. I don’t want you to be gone, ever. You’re the light of my undeath.

		(Silence.  AMELIA holds CONRAD.)

				AMELIA

Then take me with you, Conrad.

				CONRAD (overlapping with last word)

Never, Amelia. I am not going to do this to you. You have a life, and you should live it. You should live it to the fullest. I shall not subject you to zombification. I’ve sworn my Hippocratic oath. I couldn’t do it. I could not.

				AMELIA

But wouldn’t it be grand, Conrad, if we were to be able to live together, happily… forever?

CONRAD
Yes. It would. But nobody gets to do that except in fairy stories. Besides, you wouldn’t like it.

		(AMELIA lets go of CONRAD.)

				AMELIA

How would you know?

CONRAD
People shoot at me every day. So far I’ve avoided them. But I can’t avoid their stares, their jeering at us when we walk down the street. I was fired from my job… said I couldn’t work with the patients anymore. If you were a zombie… well… you know what they do when more than one zombie gathers together.

				AMELIA

Conrad, don’t be ridiculous. You believed her? I can’t believe that you actually believe…

				CONRAD

She’s not insane.

				AMELIA

You met her at your work, Conrad. She is most definitely insane, or they wouldn’t put her there.

		(Long pause.  AMELIA turns away from CONRAD.)

				CONRAD

You’re probably right. You’re probably right. Still… she’s alone in there… and oh, what they do…

				AMELIA

Let’s not talk about her.
CONRAD
But the poor…

				AMELIA

Goodnight Conrad.

				CONRAD

I was only trying to cure her.

				AMELIA

Oh, so is that why you bit her, and not me? Where was your Hippocratic oath, then, huh?

		(CONRAD sighs.)

				CONRAD

I lost control, again. You… you know I love you. With all my heart. I hadn’t eaten in days, and…

				AMELIA

Isn’t that just like a man. I didn’t get any in days and so I had to get some for mys…

				CONRAD

NO! It’s not like that…

				AMELIA

And what happened to “just trying to cure her?” Make up your mind, Conrad. Do you want to “help” people with your disease? Then why don’t you help me.

(The next line should be dragged out as long as possible. The piano music slows down, becomes sad.)

				CONRAD

Because… you don’t need it. I… can’t tell you exactly why. You just don’t need it.

				AMELIA

Whatever. Goodnight.

				CONRAD

But…

				AMELIA

I said… good…night.

(CONRAD lights another cigarette. AMELIA buries her head under the pillow. LIGHTS DOWN.)

SCENE FOUR
(LIGHTS UP on MINISTER, two FOLLOWERS and STEPHEN. The MINISTER is dressed in long flowing black robes. The MINISTER speaks from a lectern with a crudely drawn holy symbol taped on resembling a Z with a snake’s head. All are zombies except STEPHEN. The FOLLOWERS and STEPHEN are dressed in casual clothing and are sitting in chairs facing with their back towards the MINISTER.)

	VOICE

What you are about to see is a dramatization of a disturbing practice: the Church of Zed’s initiation process. Everything in this is veritably true… completely and utterly. You know that this is so because I am a TV voiceover. Beware the zombie cult: Zed!

(A bass drumbeat serves as a counterpoint to the chanting. The followers sway back and forth to the drumming. All of their actions should be somewhat coordinated, as if they are a collective rather than individuals.)

				ALL (in unison)

The maker is our provider, our lifeblood. We are born again in His image.

				MINISTER

May our bounty be great, our submission be complete.

				ALL (in unison)

The meek shall inherit.

				MINISTER

May our Kind proliferate and be cleansed.

				ALL (in unison)

Our brethren be strong.

				MINISTER

The lambs into wolves, the wolves into dust.

				ALL (in unison)

Until our dawn has come. Hail Zed.

		(The drum stops.  They all pray in silence.)

				MINISTER

Tonight with us joins a new member to our fold. Long having heard word of Zed, he is finally listening.

				ALL (in unison)

The divine Zed bless our pack. Let Him engulf us with His Darkness.

				MINISTER

Stephen wishes to make right in this world, and it is deemed he have an audience with Zed. Stand.

		(STEPHEN stands, still facing towards the MINISTER.)

MINISTER
The supplicant may approach.

(STEPHEN slowly walks towards the lectern. He stops before the lectern, and bows. He walks behind next to the MINISTER and faces the FOLLOWERS.)

				MINISTER

Please tell us how you have been touched by Zed to all those who may someday be deemed as worthy as yourself.

		(The MINISTER steps aside.  STEPHEN takes his place.)

				STEPHEN

Thank you, Oh Evil One.

				ALL (in unison)

Blesséd for all time. With evil. Hail Zed.

		(The MINISTER touches STEPHEN's shoulder.)

				STEPHEN

Lord Zed has touched me more than any living man has ever done so.

		(The MINISTER no longer touches him.)

I long to eat the flesh of the living to fulfill my evil pagan desires.

				ALL (in unison)

Evil!

		(Drum beat.)
				STEPHEN

I wish to be made into one of you so that I can show my family what it is really like to be dead inside.

				ALL (in unison)

Dead!

		(Drum beat.)

				STEPHEN

My hollowness increases as each day passes, and I am glad to partake of the meat of the hallowed.

				ALL (in unison)

Meat of the hallowed.

		(Drum beat.  Pause.)

				STEPHEN (continued)

Also, I really like blood and death. Woo!

				ALL (in unison)

Woo.

		(Tentative drum beat.)

				ALL (in unison)

Life in death, death in life.

				MINISTER

Stand at attention. I shall infect you with my death kiss!

(The MINISTER bares his teeth at STEPHEN. Lights down.)

SCENE FIVE
(LIGHTS UP on MINISTER, two FOLLOWERS, and STEPHEN, who is still a human. STEPHEN is sitting back in his chair, and the MINISTER is behind the lectern. The piece of paper is taken off, and a Z with a cross through it is revealed.

				MINISTER

Whoever has the pink Ford Escort with the license plate B176N3Q: your lights are on. That’s B176N3Q.

	(Pause.)

				MINISTER (continued)

The planning committee for the picnic met on Tuesday to discuss the addition of monkey brain to the menu. Unfortunately, Mimi had some difficulty acquiring it. Apparently it is a delicacy among the living as well.

				FOLLOWER 1

Sorry, guys.

				FOLLOWER 2

Hey, it’s all right. It’s not your fault. We’ll still have good old cow.

				MINISTER

Do not worry, Mimi. It is not what you eat that is important, but what you don’t eat. Which brings me to our guest, Stephen. Please come up and tell us about yourself.

		(STEPHEN walks up bashfully.)

				STEPHEN

Well… uh… I’m doing a… uh… report on the Z…Z…Zed Cult.

		(The FOLLOWERS start grumbling at the word "Cult.")

				MINISTER

Now, now, calm down folks. He doesn’t know any better. It’s called the Church of Zed, son.

				STEPHEN

Oh. Well… I thought I’d check out the source and… see what was going on.

				MINISTER

Zed has said that the best wisdom is gained by experience rather than secondhand.

				STEPHEN

Y…yes. He sounds very w-w-wise.
MINISTER
Listen, kid.

(The MINISTER puts his hand on STEPHEN’s shoulder. STEPHEN cries out. The MINISTER removes his hand.)

				MINISTER

As a rule, we don’t eat humans. It’s against the Code of Zed.

				STEPHEN

But…what about the human sacrifices? And the conversions?

				FOLLOWER 2

You mean like on the TV?

(The other FOLLOWERS start laughing. STEPHEN starts walking slowly away from the lecturn.)

				STEPHEN

Yes. Just like on the TV.

				MINISTER

Why don’t I tell you the parable of the game maker.

(The FOLLOWERS shout “Hallelujah” and “Praise Zed” intermittently throughout the speech.)

	MINISTER (continued)

And yea, when Zed went to the rooftop of the Empire State Building, he saw a light, and he saw this to be God’s light. He asked God, “Why did I become one who eats the flesh of the live? I did not ask for this curse, nor did I deserve it.” And God sent him an image, of a man named Garten. Now, Garten wrote games for Ellipse America, making hundreds of thousands of people happy with his creations. His plotlines were so intricate that even literary scholars praised his work. He had a wife and children, and a respectable home. But then, one day, he was bitten by a zombie and became one. His wife left him, and his children fled from his site. He received notice at his job. He became angry and hungry and ate the brains and flesh of those whom he held dear. He killed his boss and his coworkers, and even his friends. But then, he came to his wife and kids. His wife, Jane, asked him, “Why do you try to eat me, who has loved you so much and cared for you?” And Garten replied, “For you have forsaken me, and all I have done.” And Jane said, “I left because I fear you. You act like a monster.”

				FOLLOWER 1

Say it, Reverend!

				MINISTER

I was going to. And yea, Garten did say unto her, “But I am hungry, and I cannot help myself.” To this, Jane, the wiser of the couple, said, “Sometimes I lust for things I cannot have. I see my friend’s television and desire it. I see the children run amok, and I wish to beat them. I see my neighbor, and I want him. But I do not steal the television. I do not beat the children. I do not have carnal knowledge of my neighbor. I have restraint, and this is what keeps me from evil desires.” Thus Garten stopped and saw what he had done. He prayed to God and vowed to protect Mankind. Thusly, Zed knew what he must do. He made a commandment unto the zombies, from God himself: Thou shalt not eat of the flock. We shall be the sheepdogs, not the wolves. Amen.

				FOLLOWERS (out of sync)

Amen.

				STEPHEN

Wow.

				MINISTER

So, do you think we’re barbarians out to eat you now, Stephen?

				STEPHEN

No. It’s almost like… real church.

		(The MINISTER and the FOLLOWERS laugh.)

				MINISTER

Well, that’s because it is, Stephen. That’s because it is.

				STEPHEN

Well… maybe someday I can join you.

				MINISTER

Only if you become a zombie. We do not hide our practices from the public, but humans just don’t understand.

				STEPHEN

Then… why don’t you convert me.

		(Pause.)

				MINISTER (simultaneously)

I’m afraid I don’t…

				FOLLOWER 2 (simultaneously)

That’s disgusting!

				FOLLOWER 1 (simultaneously)

Didn’t you just hear a word he said?

		(Pause.)

				STEPHEN

Why not, then?

				MINISTER

Because, Stephen. It would be wrong to kill another human being. God chooses who becomes zombies. It is presumptuous of us to help along God’s work. If a sinning zombie does infect you, then you are welcome to attend. But do not seek out the Curse of Zed, for it carries a burden of responsibility.

				FOLLOWER 2

God can still reach you, just not through Zed.

				MINISTER

Exactly. Now, do you think that you have enough for your report?

				STEPHEN

I think so. My comparative religions teacher will be impressed.

				MINISTER

By telling others that we are peaceful, then you are truly doing Zed’s work.

				STEPHEN

But there is one thing…

				MINISTER

Ask, and ye shall receive.

		(STEPHEN shuffles his feet)

				STEPHEN

Well… where can I reach Zed… you know… for comment?

		(Silence.)

				MINISTER

Uh… well… he’s kind of hard to reach nowadays, considering that he’s a metaphor and all.

STEPHEN
Oh. A metaphor?

				MINISTER

A metaphor.

		(Long pause.)

				STEPHEN

A metaphor?

		(LIGHTS DOWN.)
3

SCENE SIX
(LIGHTS UP on SHANNON. She is a zombie dressed in pure white robes. She acts like she is in a strait jacket. She seems haunted, sadder than any other person in the play. Enter MAN IN WHITE COAT wheeling a cart with several tools on it next to a desk. He watches her very closely.)

				SHANNON

The indignity… the indignity… they still think I’m crazy. Ha! They don’t seem to get it. Just because I was crazy before, doesn’t mean I’m crazy now. I used to be… cloudy. The world that I lived in was full of eyes, I can remember that. I used to smell that people were looking at me, and now I can’t. I just can’t. But then, I was bitten by that doctor. I could see again! I can finally see!

(MAN IN WHITE COAT mimics pulling a syringe out of his coat. He injects SHANNON with a sedative. SHANNON looks at him and rolls her eyes.)

				SHANNON

I know you like to stick it in me, but it doesn’t do a thing for me anymore, sparky.

(MAN IN WHITE COAT shrugs. He goes to his table and starts taking notes. He periodically looks at SHANNON, nods, and then takes further notes.)

				SHANNON

But anyway, you don’t seem to understand, guy. I was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic. After I was bitten they released me. It was a couple of days after the release that I saw a policeman. Now, this wasn’t just any policeman, this was my brother. My own brother. Body parts were strewn across the floor. I saw them twitching. That’s when I realized he had an axe. I felt like I was going to vomit, but I couldn’t.

(MAN IN WHITE COAT writes notes more feverishly than before.)

	SHANNON (continued)

I couldn’t even vomit in my… current state. He caught a glimpse of me, and started towards me with the axe until he realized who it was. He told me to get out of there… that I didn’t want to see this. I asked him what the Hell is going on. He just kinda stared at me for a second. “What’s going on, Todd? What’s going on?” When he finally answered me… well… let’s just say, it was telling.

(MAN IN WHITE COAT stands up, still carrying his notepad. He paces around SHANNON.)

SHANNON (continued)
His orders said he was supposed to contain any walking corpses. If they’re gathering together, they’re dangerous. They’re dangerous in groups… plotting. Then he told me to get out of there… or he’d do something drastic. He pointed his gun at me. I told him it was me, Shannon! I told him it was Shannon. But he pointed his gun at me. This was the same brother of mine who visited me every week. He always told me that I was going to get better, that I’d get through this. My sisters didn’t want anything to do with me, and my momma and dad are… gone. Not like me. Completely, you know. He used to bring me a present on Christmas and on my birthday, and a big Easter basket full of chocolate eggs… he even took care of Rex. And I always thought he was trying to kill me. I thought that he was in on the “plot” to kill me and everyone else. Ha! Ha! Ha.

(Long pause. MAN IN WHITE COAT puts his notepad down on the table. He sits down, fiddling around with some apparatus or another.)

	SHANNON (continued)

And now that I know better, now that I want to thank him, now that I want to hug him and tell him what a wonderful man he’s been, how proud our parents would have been… he really does want me gone. I didn’t think that it was biologically possible, but I started crying. I refused to leave and…

(She starts to cry. MAN IN WHITE COAT seems genuinely disturbed. He doesn’t know whether he should move to comfort her or get the guards.)

				SHANNON (continued)

…and I’m here, now. He sent me back here, after he tried his hardest to keep me sane… and… now I’m not sure that I want to be. I wish it was cloudy again… I want to see the eyes.

(She bawls onstage, but is unable to cover her face because of the straitjacket. MAN IN WHITE COAT pulls a handkerchief out of his pocket, holds her, and wipes her tears. LIGHTS DOWN.)

SCENE SEVEN

(LIGHTS UP on JOSHUA, and CORY. They sit on chairs close together, arranged as if they were a bench. They are all zombies. JOSHUA has started to rot, and his clothes are in rags. CORY is dressed in black jeans, a ripped tee shirt, and a studded leather jacket. They mumble quietly to one another and point. They start laughing. Enter LAYLA, another zombie. She is recently turned, and wears pearl earrings, with a designer skirt and tank-top. There is also a very large scarf across her neck, hiding a bite mark. She looks at JOSHUA with disdain and reluctantly sits next to CORY.)

				CORY

Look at the pretty girl. Aww… what’s the matter… wish you weren’t dead?

		(JOSHUA and CORY laugh harder.)

				JOSHUA

Yeah. What, you have a hot date, girly?

				LAYLA

Shut up. So what if I want to look like I’m not a corpse?

				CORY

Lady, have you looked in the Goddamned mirror? You’re dead!

(JOSHUA laughs excessively hard. There is a cracking noise, and JOSHUA is forced to crack his jaw back into place.)

				LAYLA

I don’t appreciate you using such crude language in front of me. And I’m not dead. I’m not. If I were dead, how would I be able to talk to you cretins? Huh? Just because I have a… a… condition… doesn’t mean I don’t have a life. What do you two do all day? Sit on the bench and laugh at strangers?

				CORY

Nope. Just you. We thought we were the only zombies in this town. And… I dunno… it’s kinda funny to see another one, especially one as cosmopolitan as yourself.

				JOSHUA

What? Like the magazine?

		(Pause.)

				CORY

Sure thing.

LAYLA
I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not one of you… I’m not a zombie.

				JOSHUA

Is that so? So you haven’t been bitten by a zombie.

		(Pause.)

				LAYLA

Never in my life.

		(Pause.)

				CORY

Really and truly? I think she’s lying. What do you think, boy?

				JOSHUA

Yeah, I… hey, I told you not to call me boy. I’m much older than you. See my rot? I bet that you don’t even have a single maggot on you. I bet…

				CORY

I bet that if you don’t shut up, I’ll pop you in the mouth. You can’t tell me what to say and what not to say, boy. Now just be quiet and let me do what I do best.

		(Pause.  JOSHUA nods.)

				CORY

Good boy. I think she’s lying… what’s your name, girly?

				LAYLA

Layla.

				CORY

Fancy. Like chardonnay or something.

				JOSHUA

Is that like a dog?

				CORY

Didn’t I tell you to shut your shit-eating mouth? Jesus Christ. Moron.

				LAYLA

Could you please clean up your language?

CORY
Piss off. Oh yeah… my name’s Cory. The dumb one’s Joshua. You’re lying Layla. Nice to meet you… I’d shake your hand if I didn’t think you’d try to wash it.

		(JOSHUA laughs too loudly at her joke.)

				LAYLA

Well, I’m not lying.

				CORY

Then I’m certain you won’t mind if I take your scarf off. It must be really hot. It’s almost eighty today.

		(LAYLA backs away.)

				LAYLA

No… that’s okay. I’m…

(CORY yanks the scarf off of LAYLA revealing the bite marks. LAYLA rips the scarf out of CORY’s hand and wraps it back around the wrong way, showing the bloody insides of the scarf. CORY and JOSHUA start laughing again.)

				LAYLA

You little shit!

				CORY

Woah… woah… language, language. You wouldn’t want the fucking kids to hear, now would you? The Prissy Police might take away your license.

				LAYLA

Why the Hell… it was a dog… it was a dog… the bite. The bite was a dog. From a dog.

				CORY

Those ain’t dog marks. That was definitely from a human being. Like, from a zombified human being.

				LAYLA

I’m not…

(Enter Officer TODD Black. He likes to think of himself as a Western Sheriff rather than a modern day police officer. His pistol is raised.)

				TODD

All right, kiddies, either you break up this meeting or I’m going to break it up for you.

				LAYLA

What? What? Are they doing something wrong? I had nothing to do with…

				CORY

Oh, Jesus. This moron. Listen: leave us alone, pig. We weren’t doing anything illegal, so shove off. How many times do I have to say it?

				JOSHUA

Uh… maybe you’d better be nice to the nice man.

				CORY

What? Tell me that you’re more afraid of him than me.

		(CORY glares at JOSHUA.)

				JOSHUA

Uh… what I meant is… uh… you smell like a pork product, cop guy! We didn’t break the law!

				TODD

Didn’t break the law? Didn’t break the law? Ha! Code 156A section B paragraph five in the Zombie Concordance clearly states that no zombies are to gather together unless they have a permit and at least as many humans are present. Either you disperse, or we’re going to charge you with conspiracy in the first degree.

				JOSHUA

Conspiracy? You mean, like, being able to see us?

(Long pause. TODD shoots JOSHUA in the head. He falls down.)

				LAYLA

Oh, good. He was starting to annoy me. Well, it seems that the zombies are taken care of, as there’s only…

		(TODD points the gun at LAYLA.)

				LAYLA

What in the Hell are you doing?

				TODD

My job. Zombie scum.

				LAYLA

What? I’m not a zombie… I’m not!

				CORY

Listen guy, she isn’t a zombie. You’ve taken care of the problem.

		(Pause.)

				CORY (continued)

So how’s Shannon?

		(TODD points the gun at CORY.)

				TODD

My sister is none of your business. None of your Goddamned…

(JOSHUA gets up. TODD and LAYLA are surprised. CORY and JOSHUA treat this as routine.)

				JOSHUA

You’re a real asshole, you know that, sir?

				TODD

Yes, yes I do.

(Long pause. CORY takes a nail file out of his coat and uses it.)

				JOSHUA

Why did they give you guns if that won’t stop zombies?

				TODD

I don’t know. I guess it’s kinda stupid. But I’ve never done this kind of thing before… you have to give me a break.

				JOSHUA

Yeah, I suppose we do. It’s always hard trying something new.

				CORY

Yeah. Like zombie genocide. Hard work.

				TODD

So… I guess I’ll just let you be, then.

		(CORY stops filing his nails and stares at TODD.  He smiles.)

				CORY

That would be best.

(TODD starts walking away slowly, and then starts running and screaming.)

				LAYLA

You… you guys saved me.

				CORY

No we didn’t, idiot. If you didn’t notice, he wouldn’t know how to hurt you if he had a manual.

				LAYLA

Oh.

				CORY

Yeah, that’s what I thought. You want to hit the town for some brains? I’m killin.

				LAYLA

I guess my cover’s blown, huh?

				CORY

No, shit. You coming or what?
LAYLA
I’d love to.

(CORY, LAYLA, and JOSHUA walk out together stage left. TODD enters stage right with an axe, following them. SHANNON enters stage right as TODD exits stage left.)

				SHANNON

Todd!

		(LIGHTS DOWN.)
4

I read two scenes thus far. I like the snappy dialog parts.

edit:Done reading it. Scene 3 was a good idea but the execution wasn’t that effective for me. Then again I’m probably comparing it to a Cassavetes movie so take it with a pinch of salt. Scenes 4 and 5 were the best parts of the script IMO; The juxtaposition of zombie public image and zombie reality plus the “metaphor” ending really worked for me. I don’t think Scene 6 really lived up to its potential despite the good placing of its theme after 4&5. Final scene could be a bit more street-y, it becomes better after Todd comes in.

Good job overall, now all that’s left is broadcasting it live grins

5

Wow, Rigamorale, thanks for the feedback. That really helps me! grin Now all that there is to do is edit it accordingly.

6

I’m no expert on this sort of thing, so pardon me if I can’t give an extensive critique.

But I will say this: I’d definitely buy a ticket should the opportunity present itself.

7

Glad to be of help; the editing is a cherry on top. If you want to discuss any part of it, fire away.