"Who I try to be", original

The Core Media Forum
1

Just a drabble really. Well, ya’ll get to learn a bit more about me. Ain’t that grand? Well, I think I might use this for something, so the ol’ constructive critisism is welcome.

Today I got a small letter. I did not recognize the handwriting, and it was with puzzlement that I opened the envelope.

Now it’s time! Time for the reunion party of the ninth-graders of the Noret school!
This will take place on the 23rd of June, and we’ll be spending a fun evening together with baseball and other games…

The letter continued with information of place and payment for lodging, but I paused for a minute.

I could go there, smiling at them and talking instead of hiding behind a book and wishing them all off the face of the planet. I could arrive, dressed in my new kind of clothing, without the sweaters that try to swallow and hide my once scrawny teenage body. I could laugh and be happy instead of crouching out of sight. I could drink wine and smirk at their reactions of renouncing my “not a drop of alcohol” policy, that they used to make fun of. I could meet them as adults, as I too have become.

I could make peace snickers, snorts and jabs in my sides from behind. Peace with being told that my lunch looked like puke, peace with being dragged down the corridor in my hair. Peace with being hounded down during gymclass, softballs smacking against my skin so hard that I still can feel the burn.

I could shine. I could prove to them that I am beautiful now.

Then the idea of playing baseball with them, reliving the manic flight of gym class bore into my brain and I tore the letter to shreds.

Some might call it weakness. Even now I too feel inclined to name it that.

But I left those people behind the day I stood on the podium on the graduation ceremony and sang.

See me, for I am right here
Let me come close, into your hearts
as the one I am -
The one I try to be
My only wish right here and now:
Love me, for the one I am

It was satire, I knew that they knew. Even the teachers knew.

That was my goodbye to them - my truce.

I can remain the ugly, angry, introspective girl with no humor in their memory. That’s fine with me.

I am beautiful now.

And I don’t need to prove it to them.

2

…Man, I never knew you were so spiteful. Either every person in that school treated you like absolute shit, or you’re just a bundle of angry, repressed emotions that could be released only by ritually destroying the way back into that nightmare.

Still, a good read.

3

Wow. I gotta say, that moved me. Don’t know much about where or why, but it just did. Maybe it’s because I sympathize.

So don’t feel as if you’re alone in what you went through.

4

Damn, that was impressive Weiila.

And you are right. No one should have to prove themselves to anyone. Since only you can know the real you, who cares what impression other people have of you. They are just not worth it.

5

hugs Weiila lots A wise woman, you are.

6

I almost didn’t want to post, as I really can’t think of anything to say about this that does it justice, but…nice work, Weiila. Very nice.

7

I’m moved. Really fucking moved. And I don’t get moved easily. :noway:

8

I’m happy that you were moved, people, I wasn’t sure if this was just a dip in the pity-party-pool. Oi.

Well, people do get a bit shaken when they learn how I used to be. ^^;;

But who do you think helped with dragging me outta there? gives ya’ll thumbs up Go team, go!

9

That one got me to smile. :slight_smile: Beautifully well done Weiila. Concept of the story is nice too. Very nice.

10

Why shaken? You’ve changed. And you’ve changed for the better.

11

Funny how I can read most of myself out of that very text. Of course, it’s not the exact me but… touching, anyway.

And Baseball’s not that bad. Especially if it was for old times’ sakes.

12

If you’ve changed, then they probably have changed too.

13

I can relate to some of this stuff… especially the not needing to prove anything to anyone part.

14

Wow.
I know that I’ve heard sometime that you didn’t like the time you had in school, but…

Anyway. Very glad that things are better now. :slight_smile:

15

Wow. That’s a really powerful piece, Weiila. My favourite part is, of course, the ultimate decision to leave the past in the past. I think it takes a lot of courage and strength to do that. I’m assuming this is based on a real-life event for you, so congratulations! hugs

And because it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t find something to nitpick… :fungah:

I could make peace snickers, snorts and jabs in my sides from behind.

“…make peace with snickers,…” is what I think you meant there.

Great job! :dancer:

16

Ah, yes. Gym class. Baseball. The horror.

…and your old school was in hell, and the principal was the devil, was he not?

17

Dunno if the principal was the Devil, but he came from the teacher’s lounge… so did Chtrackg’sua, I think. shakes head and laughs

(a weird dream I had)