We were walking again in the forest as usual. We’ve been walking for hours though to my tired feet it seems like days. I call out to suggest we stop not only to rest but to talk a bath too. " Inuyasha, can we stop I’m tired and in serious need of a bath." " Yes, I agree with Lady Kagome Inuyasha I believe we’re all tired." Miroku adds. " NO! We’re not resting for you weak humans!" Not again I sigh why can’t he be reasonable for once? Well might as well give him a reason to be. " Inuyasha?" " What!"
" SIT! We’re resting whether you like it or not" Wow I never even knew such words existed! While traveling with Inuyasha you can expand your vocabulary quite a lot. I just hope Shippo doesn’t pick up on it… " INUYASHA!!! shut up Shippo doesn’t need to learn those words!" " Feh." And their he goes up in another tree to sulk. Oh we…sigh " Sango wanna go to the hot springs with me?" " That’s okay I’ll pass Kagome I’d just to rest for a bit. Will you be okay by yourself?" " Yeah I’ll be okay Sango don’t worry. Shippo wanna come with me?" " Yeah mama I’ll go with you". Over the time that we’ve all traveled together I’ve begun to look at Shippo like my son and he sees me as his mother as well. " Hold on you rat your not going with her!" " Why not dog breath!?" Here we go again… " Come here you rat how dare you call me that!" " Mama save me from Inuyasha!" I grab Shippo as he comes flying past me. " Inuyasha SIT! First: Quit picking on Shippo, Second: he’s not a rat, and Third: he can come with me if he wants." " NO!Bitch he needs to be taught a lesson"
" IN.UY.SHA" “What?” he chooses to accompany this great reply by looking confused. " SIT! My name’s KAGOME!"
Kagome and Shippo then set off for the hot springs while leaving Inuyasha in a 6 foot deep crater. When Inuyasha pulls himself off the ground he turns around to see Miroku looking at him disapprovingly. “WHAT!” " Inuyasha you need to be gentler with Lady Kagome and as with all women." Miroku replies while nodding sagely. " Hell no! Be gentle with her she’s the one who always sits me! If you havn’t noticed!" " Well maybe if you weren’t always calling her names you wouldn’t be sat Inuyasha!" Sango bit out angrily. " What’s it matter anyway Sango It’s not like I care about the shard detector’s feelings anyway." INUYASHA! How dare you Kagome cares about you and has stayed by your side even though you repeatedly go to Kikyo." Sango yelled and her grip tightened on her weapon. " She’s shed tears over you even though we all know your not worth it! I can’t believe you!" Inuyasha was quite for a while not expecting an ouburst like that from Sango. Miroku holds onto Sango’s arm as a safety measure to make sure she doesn’t go after Inuyasha. " Inuyasha I agree with Lady Sango on this one you must not treat Lady Kagome with such disrespect considering all she sacrificed to be here with us." Miroku added while trying to restrain the ever more violent Sango. " It doesn’t matter anyway she’s nothing but a shard detector and that’s all she’ll ever be. She can go home anytime because Kikyo would be ten times better than her!" “INUYASHA! I’m going to kill you for that!” yelled an outraged Sango. Unknown to the monk, inu hanyou, and the demon exterminator someone was listening in on their conversation.
Seriously, your layout needs some work.
First, paragraphing. Usually it’s a good idea to start a new paragraph when a different person is speaking, or the focus of the non-speech text changes changes it’s focus. Speech designators are also needed, since it’s hard to see who’s talking in this without them. I don’t know whether it’s formatting or delierate, but you don’t leave a line between a speechmark and the first letter of a sentence either.
What’s it matter anyway Sango It’s not like I care about the shard detector’s feelings anyway."
Also, parts like this could use a ‘,’ between them, like
“What’s it matter anyway Sango, It’s not like I care about the shard detector’s feelings anyway.”
(Also, and this is purely aesthetic, but I find it’s a bad idea to repeat the same word within 15 words of itself. It tends to break the flow of the words something rotten).
I leav eit up to others to catch anything else.
Gah. First of all, it’s difficult to physically read, what with the lack of paragraphs. The rule is generally to start a new one everytime a new person speaks. Also, check the punctuation a little more; a few places are missing commas while at least one point has a period instead of a comma.
Also, try to add more description. When the story is so heavily dialogue, it is difficult to understand what is going on.
On a more specific issue, I didn’t quite understand why there’s a comment about how being with Inuyasha would expand one’s vocabulary, since none of the words used by that point are unsual.
Switching viewpoints and tenses gets confusing. I can count the number of books I’ve seen it in on one hand- and I didn’t like that book. It wasn’t because of viewpoints and tenses, though.