Courtesy of me mate Sam…
While I was driving down the A46 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a
bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked
up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked:
“Runway too short?”
To which I replied, “I’m late for work.”
To which he asked, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectum stretcher,” I responded.
The copper was surprised and confused. “A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher
do?”
“Well,” I said, “I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four,
then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch
the hole, until it’s about 6 feet.”
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, “And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?”
To which I politely replied, “You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”
Speeding ticket: £105.00
Court costs: £45
Look on copper’s face: Priceless
…made my day. 
XD