“How May I Help You (Die)?”
Customer Service at SexylandOne of the reasons I went to college is because I spent a week in the summer of 1990 working as a customer service representative. This job brought me to terrifying terms with the most frightening people of America. Customer service is the black and dismal realm of helplessness, rage, fear, greed and abysmal stupidity. After five days of answering calls from anti-human monsters whose only purpose was to suck out my soul, I ran to the nearest fast food franchise and filled out an application with shaking hands.
Years later, when I allowed myself to remember those five hellish shifts, I’d hug my college diploma to my breast and thank the people of Auburn University for giving me the B.A. that kept me far away from that netherworld. It remained, unequivocally, the worst possible job on the face of our good country - until I had lunch with my close friend Hezekiah, who had the misfortune of working in customer service at Sexyland.
“I had this great cartoon tacked to my cube that read, No Sir. I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at the twisted web of fate that brought your call to my extension,” he says. We’re eating gyros and hummus at a fantastic restaurant downtown. In our quest to determine whether the fetching australopithecine waiter is gay or straight, we go here every Wednesday.
“What’s the absolute worst customer you ever had to deal with?” I ask.
“All of them,” Hezekiah says, staring at the waiter. “He’s ass-tralopithecine.”
“Seriously, what was the worst?”
“All of them.”
Here, I spot an opportunity to post something remotely interesting on ***********. “Fame and glory are yours,” I say to him. “All you have to give me are the Worst Customer Service Stories of your time at Sexyland. Just write them down and you’ll make history.”
He rolls his eyes. “I haven’t read your blog in months. Your new job has robbed you of the talent you never had.”
“But my traffic is totally rad right now! *********** gets like five hundred hits! The people from Gideon’s Bible love it here!”
“Not even the customer rep calls and emails I endured can get you linked to Fleshbot, Charges.”
“How may I entice you?”
“I don’t know why he’s waiting tables. His only position should be sitting on my face.” He turns back to me. “Help me find a copywriting job in Atlanta,” he says.
I say I’ll try, and I will*.
We decide to meet back at the restaurant for a cock/tail after six. Over his caipirinha and my heterosexual drink, he tells me eighteen true stories of Sexyland Customers in need of service.
- The Guy Who Drank Lube
Customer: I took this an hour ago and nothing is happening.
Hez: What was it that you took, sir?
Customer: It said two pumps. I bought the 32 ounce bottle Thin Lube, and I took two pumps of it, but nothing is happening.
Hez: You drank lube?
Customer: I drank it an hour ago and nothing is happening.
Hez: Sir, you actually drank the lube?
Customer: Yes, and I’m not lubricated yet.
Hez: Sir, do you understand that you’re supposed to apply lubricant topically?
Customer: It says to take two pumps.
Hez: Sir, does the bottle say that it’s a water-based lube, or a silicon-based lube?
Customer: [Fumbling for minutes] Water soluble. But I am not lubricated.
Hez: Sir, you’ll be lubricated in about four hours.
- The AABAT Man
Customer: I want the AABAT video.
Hez: What’s the item number, sir?
Customer: [random Sexyland item number] I want the $1.95 price.
Hez: Sir, this is not a video.
Customer: It’s on sale. I want the AABAT video on my order, please.
Hez: Sir, that item is a double A battery. It’s not a video.
- The Nice Necklace
Customer: I just wanted to call and say thank you for that nice necklace that came with my order.
Hez: That’s very sweet! We really appreciate calls like this, ma’am. It makes our day. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Customer: Well, I think the clasp is missing.
Hez: The clasp for what, ma’am?
Customer: The clasp for this necklace.
Hez: You received a necklace? Can you describe to me what it looks like?
Customer: It has pink beads.
- The Chocolate Pudding Dong Lady
Customer: I ordered this for me and my husband for Valentine’s Day. It tastes like it’s made of burnt rubber.
Hez: Ma’am, you’re talking about the Chocolate Pudding Dong?
Customer: I think something happened to it when it got shipped, because when I opened the box it tasted like nasty.
Hez: Ma’am, did you try to eat the Chocolate Pudding Dong?
Customer: Excuse me, sir, I ORDERED it because it SAYS CHOCOLATE PUDDING DONG ON THE DAMN BOX. This thing tastes like burnt rubber, and I want to know WHY are you shipping something that spoils in the mail?
Hez: I’m very sorry, ma’am. I believe our copywriters have misled you.
- Man In Diapers
Customer: This panty does not fit right.
Hez: Sir, can you can you tell me the item number?
Customer: This is a Ladies’ thong panty, and it looked totally different in the picture. I want to refund this for the diaper panty.
Hez: Sir, we don’t sell diapers.
Customer: Your catalog has proper diapers. That is what I want.
Hez: Sir, what is the catalog you’re referring to?
Customer: It’s right here, page seventeen. Fingerhut.
- Mark from Planet Paper
Customer Mail Letter: Hello, Hezekiah. My name is Mark, and I am from Planet Paper. I am having sex with your hands right now, and I can tell that you’re enjoying it because you are wincing. Or smiling, in which case you should call me at [this number].
- Live Chat with Foreign Man Ordering Foreign Male-Order Bride
Customer: HELLOI place two weeks ago and I don’t know whershe is.
Hez: How may I help you? What is your name and order number?
Customer: [Provides name] I order this two week go and no one has come.
Hez: Sir, how did you place your order?
Customer: I want the blonde.
Hez: [Finds the customer’s mail order with actual cut-out photo of poor Eastern European female, attached to post card, on which he has written PLESE SEND HER WITH MY ORDER, AM INCLUDING MONY FOR OVERNIT SHIPPING.]
- Numerous Phone Calls Regarding Jenna Jameson’s Rates
Customer: Is she available this week/end? I’d like her here on a week/end night, because my wife/husband will be out of town/ready to have that threesome we’ve been negotiating.
Hez: Sir/Ma’am, I want to make sure you understand that you’ll be ordering an ultra-realistic toy.
Customer: I don’t want a toy! I have toys.
Hez: Sir/Ma’am, you will not be receiving an actual person with this order. The item number you’re ordering is for an ultra-realistic toy.
Customer: It says on the picture that I can get her for a hundred and seventy-nine dollars.
Hez: I understand, sir/ma’am. But if you could take a moment and look at the ad, you will understand that the ad is for an ultra-realistic TOY.
Customer: I’m not talking about a toy, son.
Hez: I understand that, sir/ma’am. What I’m saying to you is that, regardless of the photograph you’re referring to, this is for a TOY. This is not an advertisement for the actual Jenna Jameson.
Customer: THIS SAYS I CAN GET A RATE OF A HUNDRED AND SEVENTY NINE DOLLARS FOR HER. I’M TALKING ABOUT JENNA JAMESON.
Hez: I’m talking about a slab of rubber about the size of a Thanksgiving ham.
- Haggling Indian Stereotype Who Thinks He’s at a Bombay Bazaar
Customer: I will not pay this price.
Hez: Sir, your order comes to forty-six eighty-five.
Customer: You think I am paying that for one container of Tong Balm?
Hez: Sir, one balm costs nineteen eighty-five. You have two balms on your order. Two balms comes to thirty-nine ninety. Shipping is six ninety-five.
Customer: I pay only twelve dollars.
Hez: Sir -
Customer: I pay twelve for two. I have four coupons, that give me two for twelve.
Hez: Sir, please tell me the discount codes on the lower left side of your coupons.
Customer: I have no codes. I have coupons, twelve for two.
Hez: Sir, your order comes to forty-six eighty-five.
Customer: I give you fifteen and that is all.
Hez: Sir -
Customer: Fifteen and that is all. No more.
Hez: Sir, you must pay full price if you want the PENIS BALMS.
Customer: [Pause] Thirty, and that is all. And no shipping or handling.
- Redneck Animal Lovers
Customer: I want that video of the girl with the horse in it.
Hez: Sorry sir, we don’t sell anything like that.
Customer: Then give me the one with the dogs.
Hez: Sir, we don’t sell videos with animals.
Customer: Well, I want the tran video then.
Hez: I’m sorry?
Customer: The tran video.
Hez: I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean, sir.
Customer: I ain’t gonna set here an’ describe it so you can jerk your dick off, you goddamn faggot. Gimme the tran video.
Hez: Sir, are you calling me a fag and ordering a tranny video at the same time?
- Family Circus Woman
Customer: I need to get my John Holmes Cyberflesh Dong replaced.
Hez: Can you tell me what happened to your item, ma’am?
Customer: I washed it in the sink and laid it out to dry on some newspapers, and now it has the Sunday Comics all over it. I’m not putting Dolly, Jeffy and P.J. in my vagina.
- The Haunting Beauty of the Lingerie Model
Customer Letter: Can you please tell me how to get in touch with the woman who is modeling these lingerie items? This woman is my dead wife, and I need to find her.
- The Mama’s Boy
Customer: I’d like to buy this garment for my mother.
Hez: What size sir?
Customer: Mom, what size are you?
Customer’s Mother: I’m a ten, baby.
Customer: A ten.
Hez: Is there anything else I can do for you?
Customer: My mother’s going to look so sexy in this.
Customer’s Mother: I’m gonna model it just for my sweet baby.
Hez: Thank you for shopping with Sexyland.
- Imperius Rex
Customer: You’re sinners and sluts! You’re peddling filth to the world, and God and His Holy Son are waiting for you to repent! You must face your path in life before it’s too late!
Hez: Is this Imperius Rex?
Customer: I am Imperius Rex, and I can save your soul!
Hez: Did you get out of the sanitarium again?
Customer: You’re standing in the gateway to hell!
Hez: Are you at that payphone by the gas station again? Imperius?
Customer: I will take you to the mountain, and we will ascend to heaven to share the love of God and His two angels!
Hez: Hang on, Imperius. [Calls the Sisters of Mercy asylum in Kenton, Ohio]. Yes, this is Hezekiah calling from Sexyland. I just wanted to alert you that Paul Cox got out again. He’s on more of an ascend-to-heaven than a die-sluts-and-sinners kick today.
- Desperate Housewives
Customer: I want to order the Penis Pump, the Up All Night Cockring, the Hungry Mouth Masturbator, the Chasey Lain Vagina, the Best of Brianna Banks - my husband loves Brianna Banks - the Silky Nightie, the Sexy Lady Thong, the Anal Nightstick, the Humper Stumper Strap-on, the Rabbit Vibe and the Make Your Own Dildo Kit.
Hez: Is that all, ma’am?
Customer: Do you have any good movies with blondes?
Hez: Yes, ma’am, we have several thousand.
Customer: Do you think you could pick out ten movies with blondes for me?
Hez: Ma’am, the term ‘blonde’ is a little broad -
Customer: Please? Please help me?
Hez: If there’s a specific star or theme you’re looking for, we can narrow it down.
Customer: I just found out my husband cheated on me with a twenty-two year old blonde. We’ve been married for almost fifteen years, and if I have to buy every blonde movie to keep him with me, I will.
- Awkward Outing
Customer: Yes, I received my credit card bill with some charges I didn’t make.
Hez: Can you tell me what they’re for?
Customer: I’d rather not.
Hez: Ma’am, you’ll need to tell me the charges so I can find out what’s going on.
Customer: Um…There’s one for Huge, um, Fucking C-o-c-k-s, one for Stud Wood, one for Put Me In, Coach, and one called Straight or Gay?
Hez: Ma’am, is there anyone else in your household who might’ve ordered these videos?
Customer: No, it’s just me and my eighteen-year-old son.
- Bargain Basement
Customer: Yea, I need a hundred and fifty copies of Debbie Does Dallas #5. It’s on sale for $9.99.
Hez: I’m sorry, sir, we can only sell ten videos at a time.
Customer: I need a hundred and fifty by Friday. I run a booth at the Swap Meet and I sell these for fifty bucks a piece. Why can’t you give me more than ten?
Hez: Because of bootleggers like you, sir.
- Stupid Cheaters
Customer: I need two Sex Kitten negligees, one in a size six for my girlfriend, and one in a size eighteen for my wife.
Hez: Would you like those items shipped to the same address sir?
Customer: That’d be fine.
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