Sounds like an interesting beginning to the story! There are lots of questions to keep the reader intrigued, like who all these people are, what’s so important about the ‘it’ (and what is ‘it’?), and how did the fighter get so good?
Unfortunately, it’s riddled with spelling and grammatical errors which greatly detract from the plot. The two main problems are that you don’t put spaces after your commas, and you keep switching between past and present tense. The comma thing is pretty easy to correct, but the tense changes can be a bit more tricky. I’m assuming you want to go with past tense as it’s the traditional (but not necessary) tense for narrative stories. Also, it’s the first tense you use.
Here’s some detailed C&C for this, including all the individual comma/tense things. Just remember, I may not always be right, so if you don’t understand why I’m suggesting a correction, ask and I’ll try to explain better. In the end, it’s your story, so you get the final say on what goes into it. If you don’t like one of my suggestions, ignore it!
It was a clear night,a cresent moon on the sky,in this night a young man is trying desperatly to escape.
Here you need the space after that first comma, and I’d suggest adding a ‘with’ before ‘a crescent moon’ to give the impression you’re adding to your original description, rather that just listing various things about the scenery. It should be “in the sky” rather than “on the sky”. I’d suggest ending your first sentence here, and putting the second half in it’s own sentence.
The “second” sentence has two tense errors (assuming we’re going with past tense like you started with): ‘this night’ should be ‘that night’ and ‘is’ should be ‘was’. Two other typos are that ‘in’ should be ‘on’, and ‘desperatly’ should be ‘desperately’. The ‘second’ sentence (if you decide to split it in two) should therefore read: On this night a young man was trying desperately to escape.
If you split it in two, you might want to add something to the end like ‘from his pursuers’, just so it doesn’t end so abruptly. If you want to leave it as one sentence though, you could add ‘and’ between the ‘first’ and ‘second’ halves to make it run smoother.
He runs through the woods while being followed closely by assasins,as the young man runs an assasin grabs his pistol and shoots,the bullet goes right throught the young man’s body.
That’s a run-on sentence there. I’d suggest splitting it so that “He ran through the woods while being followed closely by assassins” is a sentence on its own. (Bold text is changed from the original).
“The young man” in the second half is a bit redundant, because you use it just shortly before. I’d change the section from ‘as the young man runs’ to ‘Behind him’.
‘Grabs’ should be ‘grabbed’, ‘shoots’ should be ‘shot’. The last part of the sentence does really flow well with the previous part. kYou can either split it up, or do a bit of rearranging, such as: “…grabbed his pistol, shot, and watched as the bullet went straight through the young man’s body.”
There I took out the ‘and’ between ‘pistol’ and ‘shot’ and replaced it with a comma. I put the ‘and’ back in the beginning of the next section, and added ‘watched’ for better flow of action. ‘Goes’ was replaced with ‘went’ to fix the tense, and ‘right’ was replaced with ‘straight’ to give it a more formal feel. The extra ‘t’ was omitted from ‘through’.
"I got him"one of the assasins says
You need a comma after ‘him’ and a space after the second quotation marks. ‘Says’ should be ‘said’, and you need a period at the end.
"Great shot,now we can finally finish this mission"another one said
Much the same here: space after the comma, add a comma after mission, a space after the second quotation mark, and a period at the end.
“So,who’s going to grab the blade from him” a third one said
Space after comma, comma after ‘him’, and a period at the end.
Everyone looked at each other,waiting for someone to stand up and grab the blade,"bahh,what a bunch of cowards"said one of the assasins as he walks towards the body,"he’s obiously dead"just as he finished saying this words the young man quickly stande up and beheaded the assasin in a flash.
Another really long run on sentence. I’d suggest replace ‘each other’ with ‘one another’, but I don’t think it’s a rule. I just think it sounds better. :hahaha; You need a space after the comma. I’d suggest adding ‘else’ after ‘someone’ just to make it clear to the reader that they do not want to do it themselves. I believe they’re all standing, so ‘stand up’ doesn’t really make much sense. Try ‘come forward’. There should be a period after ‘blade’, and many people would recommend skipping to a new paragraph when someone starts to speak. Not necessary as no one else has spoken, though.
‘Bahh’ needs to be capitalized, not only because it’ll be the beginning of a sentence but it’s also the first word within some quotation marks. You need a space after the comma, and you need to add a comma after ‘cowards’, as well as a space after that end quotation mark. ‘Walks’ should be ‘walked’. ‘He’s’ needs to be capitalized as the first word within quotations, and you need a period after ‘dead’. Put a space after that period, and capitalize ‘just’. It should be ‘those words’ instead of ‘this’. Not only is ‘this’ for present in this instance, it’s also singular when you’re referring to more than one word.
Heaven’s Soldier already pointed out the mistake between ‘stande’ and ‘stood’.
"That bastard,kill him,kill him,KILL HIM!"a assasin said when everybody began to shoot in a panic
‘That bastard’ should be on its own, and I’d recommend adding an exclamation mark for emphasis. Spaces need to go after all those commas too. A space is needed after the quotations, and it should be ‘an’ instead of ‘a’ because the article is defining a noun that begins with a vowel.
Just for variety, try using something besides ‘said’ here. There’s a lot of emotion in what he’s saying, and while you’ve shown that through punctuation, the descriptive tag can also add to that. ‘Shouted’, ‘cried’, ‘screamed’, ‘wailed’, or any such word lets the reader imagine exactly how it should sound.
In the darkness of the night,all of the gunshots were slowly silenced.Two hours later a short redheaded woman all dressed in black and a minion were looking at the dead bodies.
Space after the comma. Space after the period. Comma after ‘later’. Is there some way to describe the redhead’s companion besides ‘minion’? It doesn’t give the reader a very good idea of what he looks like, only that he’s subordinate to the woman, which should really be expressed through dialogue or thoughts.
"So even after being so badly wounded he still has strenght to kill twenty of our best men"said the woman
You use ‘so’ twice closely together there. I’d recommend changing ‘so badly’ to ‘gravely’. ‘Has’ should be ‘had’. ‘Strenght’ should be ‘the strength’. There needs to be a comma after ‘men’, and a space after the second quotation mark. You also need a period at the end.
"So…so should i a…ask my men to give persuit"said the minion trembling in fear as he looks at the bodies.
‘I’ needs to be capitalized. And if he’s in charge of people, is he going to ask, or command/tell? Also, a minion generally implies cannon fodder. If he had people under his command, he wouldn’t really be a ‘minion’. ‘Persuit’ should be ‘pursuit’. You need a question mark after ‘pursuit’, and a space after the second quotation mark. Since he’s asking a question, the descriptive tag should reflect that. Try ‘asked’ or ‘querried’. ‘Looks’ should be ‘looked’.
“Nevermind,the master says to leave him alone for the time being,afterall we will recover IT from him on a later date,proceed with the plan as ordered,you shall not fail this time”
“Nevermind” is usually used on its own, at least in this context, so change the comma to a period, and add a space. Change the comma after ‘being’ to a semi-colon to leave the two halves connected, but the show that they’re separate ideas. Capitalizing ‘it’ implies she shouts the word. If you just want to emphasize it, surround it with asterisks, or bold/italicize/underline it. The comma after ‘date’ should be a period. Add a space. Change the comma after ‘ordered’ to a semi-colon, and add a period after ‘time’.
I hope this didn’t come across as being too harsh! I hope it helped some!