The Legend of Zelda - Eternal Day

Welcome to my Fan-Fic of the Legend of Zelda. I won’t say anything about this story because…that would be giving it away :stuck_out_tongue:

anyway I just did this prologue. It’s nothing special just mainly an intro (which i’m thinking that would be the definition of prologue :-P). Anyway here READ THIS :moogle:

Prologue – “A (not so)Peaceful Hyrule”

 The land of Hyrule was finally freed from the dark lord Gannon for the last time. Gannon, the prince of darkness, was finally destroyed by the legendary Master Sword. Link saved Princess Zelda once again, and returned her safely to Hyrule Castle. Link also gave the Master Sword back to its original ownership by the spirits in return for ridding the world of the minions, left behind by Gannon’s magic. After being dubbed by Zelda’s father as “Legendary Warrior of Hyrule,” Link returned to his home, passed down to him from his grandfather before he was slain by Gannon’s soldiers.

 Hyrule remains peaceful for about 8 years, advancing ever-so-swiftly in the technology of swordsmanship and sorcery (discovered by the Zoras about two years after the annihilation of Gannon). The evil creatures that lurked about vanished ever since Gannon was dealt his final fate. Swords were now only used for common-war and defense against the seldom wild beast, which hunting for pure game was disallowed to prevent endangerment. Hyrule was finally safe. The townspeople of Hyrule lived happy lives after evil vanished, but would never forget the hardships they faced under Gannon’s rule. 

 Today, if it’s really still today, however, something strange happened. Hyrule Castle was attacked by a group of Moblins. Moblins were not exactly peaceful creatures, but they did not lead all-out attacks on Hyrule for no reason at all. Something very offset was happening and rumors were being spread that Gannon could have returned to bring this chaos, and control the minds of these Moblins. 

 During the attack by the Moblins, Link was rocking in an aged pine-wood rocking chair which was hand-crafted by his grandmother before she passed on. Surprisingly, breaking Link’s peace, Talon busted in the door quickly, not even knocking. Link almost jumped out of his chair in excitement after hearing the door fly open and slam the inner wall of his house. Before Link could even finish gasping, however, Talon rushes into his explanation of being so rude and rushed. “Damn it Link! You must come now something is going on…” Understanding the sincere and fearful voice Talon is using, Link hurriedly hops out of his chair, grabs his grandfather’s sword, and throws on his favorite green hat. “Well I’ll be damned...I have to save the world again, huh?” Link asks while chuckling under his breath. Talon just replied in a still shaky voice, “I wouldn’t laugh, there are a lot of them…let’s hurry.” Link halts his chuckle, and his expression shifts to look amazed and worried at the same time. Talon runs out the door as if there was no time for any more explanation. Link stops and wonders about what is happening, but only for a second or two. Then he runs out the door after Talon with only thoughts of Zelda and her safety rushing through his head…

That’s it boys and girls ::dekar!::

anyway this is my first fan-fic, so criticism and corrections will probably be most definately needed.

Also, I know this is short, but it’s just the intro.
The chapters will be longer than this I just figured I would explain a little history and what’s all happening in Hyruls as my plot begins.

Ohh ya…and if someone would be so kind to tell me how to indent the first word in those paragraphs on this forum?

It is right in my document,but not when copied to the forum.

wow… smeone ele posting a zelda fic besides me around here. lol.

Not bad for a beginning prolouge. IF you don’t mind I’ll give you a few pointers and I’ll try to be as nice as posible ^^

-When two different people speak, it’s always best to sepperate and make a new paragraph. Clustering them together makes it hard and difficult to understand who’s talking and who isn’t. Even if it’s a thought of a different person, make a new paragraph.

-It’s nicely put together in all. the only thing you have to be REAAALLLYY careful about is past and present tense. But don’t worry, you’re not the only one who ahs trouble with tenses :stuck_out_tongue:

-(besides typical gramar and spelling errors) do be carefull when using words. that sound a lot alike.
Than he runs out the door after Talon with only thoughts of Zelda and her safety rushing through his head…
Then he runs out the door after Talon with only thoughts of Zelda and her safety rushing through his head…

Over all I think this has a good start. It’s a little short for a prolouge but hey, it’s a good start :slight_smile:

Can’t wait to read more from ya :slight_smile: and wlecome to RPGC

edit: as far as indenting I’m not so sure I understand what you mean. I think sometimes you might have to edit each post you do. Try clicking the taps button on your keyboard when editing your story here on the boards. I wouldn’t know otherwise.

Yes, a good start, but the main thing which I think needs work is your tenses. You should use the simple past (e.g. I did) as your standard tense when narrating outside of dialogue, and the pluperfect or past perfect (e.g. I had done) for events which happened before those in the simple past. Unless your dialogue is long, you should not need to begin new paragraphs for each line of one character.

Made a couple of changes…

Tenses - I think I fixed the tense errors…and yes I know it changes tense in paragraph 3…but that’s why the paragraph begins with “Today”…and afterwards I added “if it’s really still today”…thats jus to make it fit with what is soon to be written :stuck_out_tongue: (this + title = hint) hehe

Thanks for the pointers. Don’t worry about being nice though, its called constructive criticism because your allowed to be a dick as long as you get the point across of a way to make this story better. Also, I wanted to give you props on your fan-fic…I have not read all of it yet, but I will finish it and than get back to you on it in your thread.
I also change “Than” to “Then” dont know what I was thinkin there

Sir Percival:
Like I said,I think I have changed tenses to be correct. If I have not done it correct, please give a little tip or something how to fix it. :slight_smile: I’m not a master at english, just like to explore my mind and record it so I can go there again later, and show other people how to get there

Anyway, if u see anywhere else i screwed up the tenses, or need any other corrections, hook me up while I fly away to my own little zone to write Chapter 1…WOOHOO lol

Things are looking better, but there are still a few verbs which need to be changed, such as:

‘Hyrule remains peaceful for about eight years…’ The verb should be ‘remained’. Also, a general rule of thumb for writers is that numbers consisting of one or two words are written out in full. Other numbers, such as 363, are simply given in digits.

‘Today…if it’s really today’. This sentence is quite awkward, since it gives the reader the sense that you yourself, as a narrator, are actually present in your setting. That is not the impression which I got from the rest of your story. I recommend that you completely change this sentence so that it may flow with the rest of your story. Even something short like ‘At present,’ would suffice.

You also have some other sentences which have been worded rather awkwardly and which have comma splices. An example is: ‘Link gave the Master Sword back to the ownership by the spirits in return for ridding the world of the minions, left behind by Gannon’s magic.’ The comma between ‘minions’ and ‘left’ should not be there. The wording ‘gave back…to the ownership by the spirits’ is very awkward, even though I think that I have figured out what you mean. Perhaps you ought to have something more like: ‘Link gave the Master Sword back to its original owners, the spirits, in return for ridding the world of the minions left behind by Gannon’s magic’.

loooking better ^^

I don’t think I finished fixing the problems stated above, but i worked a little on chapter 1…it’s not done yet but i will edit and add the rest when more is written…

Chapter 1 – “Darkness Amidst The Light”

Talon took off the northern path from Link’s house, which led to the town of Hyrule. Link was still unaware of the situation of the Moblins, but knew something has gone totally wrong by the speed of Talon nearly out-running a fit youth like himself. Even with the weight of his grandfather’s sword Link should’ve been able to easily out-run Talon, but was struggling to keep up. 

As they entered the town, Link noticed the streets were not bustling with the carrying voices of peddlers or the usual group of children sitting on the sidewalk playing Deku Clutch (which is like a variation of marbles played with Deku Nuts where if a nut is knocked out of the battle ring, it is kept by the opponent) as it normally is in such a community. Instead of the normal activity, the streets were empty…no children, no soldiers, there were even closed signs in all the businesses including the pub, and oddly enough, not even a single house light was on. It was like the whole town was in hiding. Link clenched his sword tight in his palm as he was nearing the castle. 

As they arrived at the castle, the gates were still in tact, and looked un-damaged. Link noticed a couple of soldiers lying on the ground, possibly lifeless, but did not stop to see as he was racing to see what has caused the disaster. Suddenly a Moblin, with a slim green mask wrapped around his head covering only his eyes, rushed out of a bush in the middle of the castle courtyard. The Moblin had a short silver bow which he stretched back a white chord connected to gears on the bow, which was pointed directly at Talon’s mid-section. Before the Moblin could let the silver arrow fly, Link dashed toward him from behind thrusting his sword into the archer’s right shoulder. The pig-looking creature let out a loud squeal, in a pitch high-toned as much to hurt the hero Link’s ears and ring though his head. The arrow went flying off track and hit the castle wall, only to bounce off and fall down towards the ground. The Moblins head dropped, and when Link removed the sword from the creature, the Moblins body also lost strength against gravity as it fell to a thud on the ground. Talon, having only turned around and noticed this creature after the loud shriek, stood in front of Link staring at the Moblins body lying in-between them. His face was pale, like a ghost, and his jaw was dropped quite far. Link jus gave a childish grin, “Guess you don’t have to watch your back every day on a ranch, huh?” Talon got his composure back, shook his head still looking frightened, and turned back towards the castle doors which looked like they were knocked in.

Link and Talon rushed through the beat down castle doors only to find an empty castle. It was completely empty…no table equipped with a royal feast, no maids cleaning the halls, not even any other Moblins were raging in the walls. Link rushed straight through the main hall to the throne room, hoping that Zelda would be in her rightful place un-harmed. Talon was now following Link, as a common rancher does not know the inner walls of Hyrule castle at all compared to Link. Link dropped his sword, and it clattered against the floor making a couple loud crashing noises making Talon jump in place. Talon lifted himself up on to his toes to see over Link’s shoulder. That’s when he saw it. Link and Talon were both staring at Princess Zelda frozen in some kind of magic barrier. It was shaped like a cube or a box and was transparent black like the color of a lightly tinted window. Talon gasped, “Wha…..Pri….Princess….Zelda….How did she get trapped like that...This is too weird, I never seen any sorcery like this.” Link bent over and retrieved the fallen sword, than looked back at Talon and sternly said, “We have to find a wise mage, now.” Talon turned around and left the throne room to head towards the Hall of Sorcery which replaced the down-stairs half of the library when magic was discovered and started to be studied.

probably has alot of errors...oh well help me out people :-)

[b][u]please comment[/u][/b]...this chapter still needs alot more written tho will add more ASAP

hmm no replies yet…is it that bad???

I havent been working on this much as I am busy starting up my project with “Konfuze”(MMORPG Maker like Playerworlds)

but criticism and comments are greatly appreciated…please? :thinking:

Okay, here goes:

I saw a lot of run on sentences. It seems rushed together. Take your time and sepperate the sentences a little. :slight_smile:

Add when you can. :wink: