Thank God for the Blessing of Masturbation


It’s actually a quote from this site.

edit: I just checked all the links in that, too. Amazing. They support oral, anal and threesome. All these can be done without any sinning by christains, provided you follow some small restrictions. I’m so going back to my catholic roots after seeing this site! Thank you guys, and may God forever bless you!

If you are masturbating until you are exhausted, or until your genitals are raw or bleeding, this is excessive, harmful, and not what God intended.

Oh my God (no pun intended). Augh. Bad images.

On a side note, I never thought I’d see something like this. Ever.

Interesting, I was reading the oral sex one and it seems to sort of contradict the masturbation one though.

It doesn’t make you blind then?

This is another example of why I’m no longer affiliated to any formal religion: human obsession with the literal meaning of scriptures is absurd- and on ocassion, cruel. I’d rather lead a good life and hope that’s enough to earn me salvation.

Is this site a joke or meant seriously? I mean, I’ve never seen a faithful Christian talking about sex in that way.

The passage And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also. is kind of mistakable. But I looked it up in the German bible, and there it sounded like the Lord was angry because Onan didn’t obey the order to impregnate his brother’s wife, not because he spilled semen on the ground.

The sad part is that I know someone who needs to read this.

I might’ve cared if it applied to my beliefs. SEX FOR ALL.

Oh… My… Gosh >.<

I wonder why Onan’s slammed for masturbation when he just dumped his load. Anyway, a scene from Enter the Matrix:

Trinity: When are we going to find you a girlfriend?
Ghost: Like Augustine, I’m dedicated to a higher purpose.
Trinity: What’s that?
Ghost: Onanism.
Trinity: Is that why so many saints are blind? :smiley:
Ghost: Celibacy is a hands-on job. :wink:

Maybe, but not by their description of the event on the Oral Sex page. I didn’t say I had any opinions on whether they were right or wrong, or even if they interpretted the passage correctly. It just seems like their use of it for masturbation and oral sex conflict.

They seem to be reaching too far in the oral sex page. They’re taking small passages and interpreting them outside of their contexts.

You can interpret the Bible to fit whatever arguement you’re trying to make. That is why it is dangerous in the wrong hands.

That’s the reason why we see people blowing up abortion clinics and such and say it’s okay.

Anyway, yeah, at first I thought that God killed Onan because he masturbated. I guess I’ll have to look at that passage again.

Because I have to. This is a quote from my bible:

We’ll catch up with Joseph in Egypt in another chapter. For now let’s see the story of Judah, one of his brothers.

One day, while paying a visit to a adullamite friend called Hirah, Judah met a canaanite girl. Her name was Shua. He fell in love for her and they got married, having three sons: Er, Onan and Shelah.

When Er reached adulthood, his father got him to marry with a woman called Tamar.

You see, God didn’t like Er much…

-He didn’t like Tamar?
-No. I said like Er, not like’er. Shuddup and listen!

Anyway, the Lord had had it with him. Maybe the poor guy didn’t cut the nail of his pinky finger, maybe he was part of some alternative movement like punks, goths or hippies… We just don’t know the exact reason, but that’s not important. What is important is that God slew Er.

By that time’s uses, a widow should preferentially marry a brother of her dead husband. The children of the new husband would be considered children of the earlier one, therefore keeping his descendancy despite his death.

That is weird. And sick. And Onan (Tamar’s next man) thought so.

When Onan and Tamar went to bed - they should have beds back then, but if they didn’t, a pile of hay would do - he wouldn’t shoot his semen inside her. He had a more hands-on approach on ejaculation, and always fertilized the ground.

That drove the Man mad. Go figure, he gets pissed for the least important things… So, Javeh slew Onan.

The next victim would be Shelah. But he was too young to die. So God told Tamar to remain Widow (can a woman unwidow?) in her father’s house untill Shelah became of age.

Judah forgot the marriage pact and never even bothered honoring it when Shelah became a man. One day he had to see some sheep shearers in Timnah, so he went with his friend Hirah along. By coincidence, Timnah was here Tamar was living by then.

She learned about Judah’s coming. And then she threw her widow veil away, put a bride veil on and stood upon the road where Judah would pass, so as to meet Shelah. Judah was taking too long to show up…

Judah saw her from far away. And he pondered:

“Woman, alone on the road, wearing a veil.
A hooker!”

He didn’t recognize her, since she had her face covered.

And here we start to wonder why the Boss hated this guy’s family so much. They had no morals to start with. An old man, father of three, looking for prostitutes on the road!

Followed some conversation:

-Oh, hi!
-How do you do?
-I am fine, thanks.
-You know, you’re so beautiful!
-Aw, thanks! Beauty is in the eyes of the gazer!
Besides, you can’t see my face, how can you say that?

(he was surely not refering to her face)

-Hm, ok, let’s get straigth to the point. Fancy a quick one?
-What, for free? No way! Gim’me something!
-I’ll send you a goat.
-No. I can’t be sure you’ll really send the goat. Gim’me some guarantee.
-Like, what?
-Let’zee… That signet, that cord, and your staff.

She wasn’t much better than him in morals.

Anyway… They had sex, and since this is a holy book, we ain’t giving the kinky details. After the act Tamar went back home, pregnant. Judah went to see the shearers, and some time later he asked a boy to take a goat to the ‘prostitute of Timnah’. The boy asked around all the town, but nobody had never even heard of a prostitute in Timnah (“Oh my God, what an immorality! And of course there be no whores here!”). Judah thought it was strange, but he also thought he’d got the better of it. He wanted to give her a goat, it was she who had disappeared, so he ended up saving an animal for himself. Mind the signet, cord and staff…

Three months later, some gossipers told Judah that his daughter-in-law was pregnant. It could only have been adultery, they said, for she was not married. The thought of the girl cheating on his two dead husbands drove Judah mad (…that’s way far the other side of the cultural boundary here. Cheating dead husbands?). Judah, always a good man (don’t forget it was HIS idea to SELL HIS BROTHER Joseph to slavers), issued an order:

-Bring her outside, so that we may burn her alive!

The populace, always eager for an execution, rushed to get Tamar outside her house. She came out with the signet and the staff in her hands, yelling that the father of her children was the owner of those objects.

Judah was the only one to recognize the goods. And he felt the big trouble he’d gotten himself into. So he said:

-Never mind it, guys. She’s scum, that’s for granted, but worse than her is me, who didn’t give Shelah in marriage to her as the pact demanded.

Tamar had twins, called Perez and Zerah.

What Bible do you read, Ren?

You won’t find it in English. If the title was translated, though, it’d read “Jesus, whip me!”.

By the way, the piece of text I translated is the whole chapter 38 of Genesis - whole except for the reason of the twins’ names, which could lead to even another couple of immoral comments. You can find a direct translation from Hebraic to English here. You will see that everything in my favorite translation matches this one (and all the other translations available, if you take the time to check).

That story of Onan being condemned for masturbation was made up by people who are disgusted by it, or who think it leads to pleasure, and pleasure in their sight is a sin. Christains who actually believe Onan was a masturbator mostly don’t read the bible, they just believe whatever the priests tell them.

I think Ren’s Bible is the win.

We had a female pastor preached a while back about the subject of Tamar. It was titled Diary of A Mad Black Woman since the movie had just come out and Tamar was…well, pretty mad.

The things is, she also explained what that signet and staff really meant. She compared it to giving out your social security number. It was actually really good.

If I remember correctly, the Bible just says that Er was wicked and such and he had to go.

I could SO make some “Er, what for?” jokes, but I’m not … okay, maybe I am that tasteless. :smiley: