"So that makes Alaric an alien vampire werewolf psychic writer. Got that? Good."

The night silence was suddenly shattered with an unearthy scream that caused her skin to crawl. She ignored it and continued to dig, when something caught her eye, looking up, she dropped her shovel. Coming across the path was a demon, not just one, but lots of them. She rose to her feet as her thoughts froze, and her breathing stopped. Glowing red eyes looked at her, and she turned her eyes away fromt he sight of the glowing orbs. Each one stood at least seven feet in height, and must have weighed around six hundred pounds. They were covered in fur, had pointed ears, a snout and large sharp teeth. They stood on legs the size of tree trunks. They looked as though they each had eaten several people already. Just as the one who had been moving toward her came closer, something changed.

<b>I can’t help it. This is my favorite half paragraph in the book. Those 6 foot tall furry glowing eyeballs do it to me every time.</b>

<b>[The pet dog of the alien vampire werewolf psychic writer], it turns out, had been a medicine man in a previous life, and it’s never mentioned why he was reincarnated as a technicolor impared sheepdog. But that’s okay. I don’t think I want to know. Really.</b>

<b>And then Elspeth goes into a haunted house and sucked into an alternate universe where she’s captured by… wait for it… brace for it… you know you want to know this… PIRATES!!! Yes! Pirates! “Francios Blaize Martien, Captain of the pirate ship SeaBlaize. You can call me Blaize.”

And Blaize looks JUST like Alaric, who looks JUST like Legolas with dark hair, who looks just like Orlando Bloom who played a pira… HEY!</b>

And the vampire elf dude smells like strawberries when he’s in his werewolf form, for some reason.

Stuff like this get published? Oh my. On the other hand, it was published by a company who doesn’t read, edit, do any commercials or asks any questions. So… I guess that’s alright then.

Read and snigger.

Well, that does it for my dream of getting some stuff of mine published, since it seems like any dork can do it after all.


Use plenty of contradicting sentences to confuse your reader into thinking the book is too deep for them.


Coming across the path was a demon, not just one, but lots of them.

God I love vanity presses. Pure comedy gold. or pure authoring shite, depending on what ange you’re approaching from.

EDIT: Oops, forgot to mention the cover. Best thing ever. Surely a sue-able (of the court variety, not the self-insertion one) offence?

EDIT2: Oh man, I wish to GOD someone tries to get Celebrian published. :smiley:

Hell yeah. If the Tolkien estate wouldn’t sue…

That would be fucking AWESOME.

Someone buy this book for me for Christmas. Uwee hee hee!

Don’t tempt me, schwesterhertz [/german Protoman voice]. :mwahaha:

… oh man, I think I finally scared Sin. My life is complete :slight_smile:

Somewhere, a graphic arts student is crying inside because of that cover art.


Ok, If you look around the Help forum. You see I’m in the Opening chapters of an opening book. I’m not the one to brag about my use English. (I’m still embarrased about a recent LJ by Jing (Nice Avatar BTW)(You LJ’d it Jing!)) It hurts to read it.

I leave it off my reading list.

Big Nutter
So Rayt RINDC!!!

0_o :thud:


I second that. :smiley: