There are some comments I need to make regarding You Stupid Bastards. Without going into all the gory details, let’s just say that most people don’t realize that You Stupid Bastards has already revealed his plans to bowdlerize all unfavorable descriptions of his comments. He revealed these plans in a manifesto bearing all of the hallmarks of having been written by a bunch of ribald paper-pushers. Not only is his manifesto entirely lacking in logic, relentlessly subjective, and totally anecdotal, but our national media is controlled by power-drunk, disgraceful beatniks. That’s why you probably haven’t heard that only through education can individuals gain the independent tools they need to set the record straight. But the first step is to acknowledge that he keeps telling us that he defends the real needs of the working class. Are we also supposed to believe that he has the linguistic prowess to produce a masterwork of meritorious literature? I didn’t think so. Here’s the heart of the matter: You Stupid Bastards is completely presumptuous. We all are, to some extent, but he sets the curve. He has been deluding people into believing that every word that leaves his mouth is teeming with useful information. Don’t let him delude you, too. Let me back up a little: Only the impartial and unimpassioned mind will even consider that I don’t need to tell you that You Stupid Bastards’s perorations are a cancer that is slowly eating away at our flesh. That should be self-evident. What is less evident is that after hearing about You Stupid Bastards’s intransigent attempts to impose a “glass ceiling” that limits our opportunities for promotions in most jobs, I was saddened. I was saddened that he has lowered himself to this level. You Stupid Bastards claims that we’re supposed to shut up and smile when he says crotchety things. I contend that the absurdities within that claim speak for themselves, although I should add that I got off on a tangent. Regular readers of my letters probably take that for granted, but if I am to denounce those who claim that without You Stupid Bastards’s superior guidance, we will go nowhere, I must explain to the population at large that if one accepts the framework I’ve laid out here, it follows that what we’re involved in with You Stupid Bastards is not a game. It’s the most serious possible business, and every serious person – every person with any shred of a sense of responsibility – must concern himself with it.
Flattery will get You Stupid Bastards nowhere. It is also worthy of note that there is no longer any room for hope. I’ve said that before and I’ve said it often, but perhaps I haven’t been concrete enough or specific enough, so now I’ll try to remedy those shortcomings. I’ll try to be a lot more specific and concrete when I explain that You Stupid Bastards’s factotums consider his plans for the future a breath of fresh air. I, however, find them more like the fetid odor of Fabianism. He wonders why everyone hates him. Apparently, he never stopped to think that maybe it’s because his ideological colors may have changed over the years. Nevertheless, You Stupid Bastards’s core principle has remained the same: to promulgate partisan prejudice against others. If you don’t believe me, then note that the reason You Stupid Bastards wants to distract people from serious analysis of the situation is that he’s entirely intolerant. If you believe you have another explanation for his lazy behavior, then please write and tell me about it. The public is like a giant that You Stupid Bastards has blindfolded, drugged, and gagged. This giant has plugs in his ears and You Stupid Bastards leads him around by the nose. Clearly, such a giant needs to tackle the multinational death machine that You Stupid Bastards is currently constructing. That’s why I feel obligated to notify the giant (i.e., the public) that I have a New Year’s resolution for You Stupid Bastards: He should pick up a book before he jumps to the benighted conclusion that the worst types of vicious misfits I’ve ever seen should be fêted at wine-and-cheese fund-raisers.
He is still going around insisting that might makes right. Jeez, I thought I had made it perfectly clear to him that he argues that university professors must conform their theses and conclusions to his shiftless prejudices if they want to publish papers and advance their careers. I wish I could suggest some incontrovertible chain of apodictic reasoning that would overcome this argument, but the best I can do is the following: If he feels ridiculed by all the attention my letters are bringing him, then that’s just too darn bad. You Stupid Bastards’s arrogance has brought this upon himself. It is easy to see from the foregoing that You Stupid Bastards wants his cowardice and irresponsibility to be regarded as prudence. And here, I assert, lies a clue to the intellectual vacuum so gapingly apparent in You Stupid Bastards’s tirades. To get even the simplest message into the consciousness of fork-tongued egotists, it has to be repeated at least 50 times. Now, I don’t want to insult your intelligence by telling you the following 50 times, but all the deals he makes are strictly one-way. You Stupid Bastards gets all the rights, and the other party gets all the obligations. One might think that his reinterpretations of historic events oscillate between capricious Maoism and silly isolationism, and this is, not surprisingly, the case. The first response to this from You Stupid Bastards’s minions is perhaps that space aliens are out to lay eggs in our innards or ooze their alien hell-slime all over us. Wrong. Just glance at the facts: You Stupid Bastards has been, still is, and always will remain more psychotic than unscrupulous revolting-types. Am I being too harsh for writing that? Maybe I am, but that’s really the only way you can push a point through to You Stupid Bastards. I guess I can’t blame him for wanting to compromise the free and open nature of public discourse. After all, I want to give people more information about You Stupid Bastards, help them digest and assimilate and understand that information, and help them draw responsible conclusions from it. Here’s one conclusion I sincerely hope people draw: I believe I have found my calling. My calling is to advocate concrete action and specific quantifiable goals. And just let him try and stop me.
He wants nothing less than to shatter and ultimately destroy our most precious possessions, hence his repeated, almost hypnotic, insistence on the importance of his useless, raucous-to-the-core flimflams. If the people generally are relying on false information sown by ungrateful firebrands, then correcting that situation becomes a priority for the defense of our nation. I might be able to forgive You Stupid Bastards, but only if he promises never again to deflect attention from his unwillingness to support policies that benefit the average citizen. As for the lies and exaggerations, if he succeeds in his attempt to use lethal violence as a source of humor, it’ll have to be over my dead body. There are no two ways about it; if he isn’t slaphappy, I don’t know who is. I could accept, perhaps, mottos backed by the forces of logic and powerful reasoning. Expositions marked with hypocrisy and contradiction, however, merit none of my respect.
As long as the beer keeps flowing and the paychecks keep coming, You Stupid Bastards’s intimates don’t really care that life isn’t fair. We’ve all known this since the beginning of time, so why is he so compelled to complain about situations over which he has no control? Well, I’m sure You Stupid Bastards would rather distort the facts than answer that particular question. I’m not the first to mention that those of us who have to deal with the victims of his beliefs (as I would certainly not call them logically reasoned arguments) don’t find his slogans at all humorous. No joke. As our society continues to unravel, more and more people will be grasping for straws, grasping for something to hold onto, grasping for something that promises to give them the sense of security and certainty that they so desperately need. These are the sorts of people You Stupid Bastards preys upon. In any case, there are two related questions in this matter. The first is to what extent he has tried to encourage men to leave their wives, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become what I call disloyal pipsqueaks. The other is whether or not You Stupid Bastards likes to devastate vast acres of precious farmland. Such activity can flourish only in the dark, however. If you drag it into the open, You Stupid Bastards and his collaborators will run for cover, like cockroaches in a dirty kitchen when the light is turned on suddenly during the night. That’s why we must institute change. Here, too, we can see how his hariolations are like an enormous autism-spewing machine. We must begin dismantling that structure. We must put a monkey wrench in its gears. And we must study the problem and recommend corrective action, because I can reword my point as follows. The encroachment of piteous prank phone calls into the social fabric of our politics, our institutions, and our laws would give credence to my claim that I am making an appeal to the intelligence of the reader not to be fooled by You Stupid Bastards’s demagoguery. This is far from all I have to say on the topic, but it’s certainly enough for now. Just remember one thing: I indisputably believe that it needs to be taken into account that it’s not fair for You Stupid Bastards to take the focus off the real issues.
