Shao Khan/Goro 2008

Shao Khan/Goro '08

Vote American values. Guns in every school, free martial arts education for our children! We’ll secure the border, with Tarkatan warriors, Shokans and Centaurs. We’ll end the drug trade through eliminating every single last one of those crime lord amateurs! On occasion, when Shao Khan doesn’t want to kill Shang Tsung, we’ll have a REAL psychic on the hot lines looking out for the little guy. Don’t worry about China becoming a Super Power by 2020 either, we’ll take care of that, with Shao Khan in charge of the Administration.

But how does Kahn answer allegations that he, and I quote here, “Took over all of Earthrealm and stole the soul of 99.9% of all living inhabitants before being beaten down by a high-pitched shaolin monk?”

And can Goro be trusted? He has changed allegiances so many times over the last ten years that he cannot be relied on for anything!

Seriously, what’s up with this thread?

But how does Kahn answer allegations that he, and I quote here, “Took over all of Earthrealm and stole the soul of 99.9% of all living inhabitants before being beaten down by a high-pitched shaolin monk?”

Shao Khan laughs at your puny attempts to base his future actions on the high quality, but nevertheless unfairly biased, White Lotus Society funded video game series Mortal Kombat.

Breaking news: Soul Edge is driving Nightmare to rise up as opposition to the Shao Kahn party. Experts predict that one of them will suggest this be settled in the ring.

Breaking news: We have recieved information that the well known SSBM crew have voiced (mimicked) interest in the current political situation. Rumours are that one or more of them will also join the presidental run.
Experts predict that we are doomed.

The leader of the Greil Mercenaries, Ike, several times had to proclaim to our reporters, quote, that he “fights for his friends.”

Now who could his mysterious friends be, if the Greatsword Ragnell has plummeted well-known do-gooders such as “Super” Mario, Twilight/Wind Hero Link or even the legendary “Captain” Douglas J Falcon to their doom? Despite this, King of Thieves, Ganondorf and the King of Koopas, Bowser, have also been sighted to be sent to the upper atmosphere by the blue-haired mercenary captain. More on this during our special news bulletin at 6’o clock!

Breaking news: A wildly successful Facebook group called “Kintaro for prez, AMIRITE?” asks for a reexamination of the Kahn/Goro '08 ticket. Group administrator John Noneoyabusiness commented on the allegations of the group’s detractors, that the group only has 93 members:

"It is a well known fact that thousands of players can’t touch an electronic device as it evokes the frustration of throwing their SNES controllers on the floor after losing yet another match to Kintaro. These same people are denied their democratic rights because of the electronic ballots, promoted by certain supporters of Kahn/Goro.

Even though Goro is a favorite of the Party, Kintaro has been acknowledged as a harder challenge than Goro or even Kahn himself (Public perception of MK warriors among earthlings - Poro, Outworld University Press). Not to mention that Goro is a prince at that point Mr. Noneoyabusiness gave us a meaningful glance.

Every vote that ain’t pro-Kintaro is a vote for the terrists. Kintaro/Kirby '08"

This just in: Mortaro held a press conference at 11:59 AM today, presenting allegations that Shao Kahn, Goro, and Kintaro are behind a conspiracy that resulted in, and I quote, “My entire fucking race losing their back legs.” Mortaro added by saying he hasn’t been able to crap in over two years as a result of these actions. Shao Kahn and Goro have both come out against these claims, with Kahn claiming that Mortaro is simply bitter because, “not a single person can remember his name or even having trouble facing him.”

Meanwhile, the White Lotus Society has motioned against both candidates. The society’s chief representative, Kung Lao, has brought up further charges that Kahn does not represent traditional Earthrealm values, including the right to slice people in half with hats. Kahn responded by drinking a beer and bowling, which proves he is the true friend of the common man, and Kung Lao is an elitist ninny.

Insiders from the Kintaro campaign pointed out that even Motaro can’t remember his own name. Furthermore, as they said, “We’ve had to deal with a lot of crap these last few years (and) we don’t care about Motaro’s crap”. In other news, in order to counter Kahn’s 5% bowling lead, Kintaro’s wife will bake apple pies with all 4 hands.

The “Wifes for Temperance” expressed their concern about the presidential candidate drinking in public, while Colin Farrel said to us: “I’ve had 7 beers and 7 bottles and I’m not even pissed!”

Many members of the SSBM crew were shocked to be told in a press release by Shao Kahn that they were not, quote, “human-looking enough” to take part in the battle for the presidency. They immediately filed a demand to see the sources of this rule. Although he himself is not affected by this limitation, Kung Lao has voiced support for the protests.

Unless Mr Lao has something to hide… Oh, did I say that loud?

Strangely enough, that was what the new press release from Mr. Kahn said, Rig. Is there something you’d like to tell the media? cameras flash

Regardless, Shao Kahn questions Kung Lao’s support of the critters, and demand a full investigation on the matter to ensure democracy. He’ll even, gracefully as ever, provide his own investigators.

Yes, I want to make an announcement. Mr Kung Lao is Chinese, meaning he can’t be elected POTUS! shocked silence Also, I’m enjoying my 15 minutes of fame shares his winning smile.

Breaking news: Rigmarole’s mention of Kung Lao’s inability to be elected president due to being Chinese has caused a bit of chaos. Shao Kahn is, of course, now forced to face this disadvantage just like almost everyone else. It has been hinted at that he plans to bend time to his will and have the Constitution changed.

Quite a few voices have been raised in concern about this idea. Unfortunately, we have not been able to get a hold of any of these people for further discussion. They all seem to have mysteriously disappeared.

Related story: Plumbers from Brooklyn see their chances of being elected rise.

Addendum: Mr. Smith from Smith, Smith, Smith, Smith, Smith, and Sons has informed us that the firm has been researching whether the constitution specifies the species of the President. Mr. Smith claimed the precedent of Incitatus, the famous equine consul and priest, in the Roman tradition that influenced the whole western world, and claimed that a man of experience, such as King Coopa, may be persuaded to join the race and help the common folk. “Except for plumbers. They soil carpets and upset castles; we are proud our client takes a stand on issues that really matter”.

Other personages, such as Barney, Denver and Azala are watching out for the results of 6S’s findings and will accordingly proceed.

Breaking News Story:

"Shao Khan has been discovered to be an actual relative of the Clintons. An identical cousin has been found within the Clinton family. When asked about Shao Khan’s cousin, Bill stated, “He always seemed to have an awfully lot of time on his hands.”