Review this please...

I didn’t write this, rather an online friend sent it to me to look over and see what was wrong with it. I have a mental list of what I want to suggest to the writer, but I’d like to hear other point of views as well.

It;s about a holy war, and basically it’s the war against God and Satan. The writer obviously has little knowledge of the bible or Christian religion, because I’m a bit miffed that someone would take ye olde story and modify it to their own idea and use the idea so casually. Plus, there’s little depth, I find, and if that knowledge was there maybe it would be a bit more interesting.

Plus I think the character names are a bit flat. I think he should have used less common names because a few could get confused with apostles/prophets/figurative angels, etc. But whatever, I’m going to mention that as well.

One last thing, his grammer or spelling is a bit terrible. I know that. A lot of the meaning is lost because of lack of capitals here and there, stuff like that. Just look past all the things I mentioned and point out things I haven’t mentioned, mmkay? it’s heavily influenced by Buffy the Vampire Slayer and though the rest of you may not see it, I certainly have whilst I read.

The Story of The Immortals

God- All powerful leader of heaven has command of hundreds of powerful angels.

Satan- A really powerful and ambitious Angel second in power only to god. He plotted against the views of God he had s few faithful followers.

Jacob- A Fierce supporter of his own views would go to any means to achieve his goals. He loved the humans more than any other Angel in heaven. Sometimes would go down to earth disguised as a beggar. But God found out about Jacobs frequent visits and forbid him to ever look upon Earths green fields again. This punishment was hard on poor Jacob. His love though was too strong for the ban and he would sometimes find secret ways to visit earth.

Caleb-A loyal and true supporter of the good and righteous. He was loyal to god forever. He would follow God to whatever ends. He always keeps an eye on Satan for he mistrusted him greatly.

John- A true supporter of Satan. He was in Satan’s inner circle of followers always on the lookout for a way to take over Heaven and make Satan High King.

Christian- This Angel had a complex character. He like his own freedom and therefore would often be found roaming around heaven or Earth for that. For he was the first Angel to visit the fair lands of Earth even before Jacob he loved not the humans who lived there but he loved the beauty of the earth and its creatures.

Christopher- Another supporter of Satan this Angel was weak and is one of the youngest of the Angels. In the beginning he was pure and righteous but he was corrupted by the power that he was promised by Satan.

Luke- Possibly Satins greatest supporter and he believed in Satins campaign utterly. He would side with Satan over any other. H was one of the oldest Angels in heaven he was outmatched in power only by Stan and God.

Marriet- A supporter of god in the great argument she supported him for she loves him. She is one of the younger angels and she could possibly be turned over if she was blinded by power.

                                                             The Beginning

The Story you are about to here is older than any language or in fact any form of communication you are ever likely to here. It all started many many millions of years ago even before the dinosaurs roamed the earth. This is before any creature big or small was ever created. This is the story of the first rebellion of god. God made the earth with the help of his most trusted servants his beautiful Angels. They made the land of Earth far better than nay of them could have hoped. After that God created man in his own image then he set man down on this earth. This was when the first seeds of evil were laid my Gods most powerful angel Satan he was called.

God decided to let the humans govern themselves but this sprouted fierce disagreement between the two factions. For some like Satan thought that the humans were there to be ruled over and they should forever bow down to the heavens. The God and Satan had a great argument and they say it shook the heavens for the power of the two voices combined because what the humans call meter landings for the sound of the voices were so great that bits of the very fabric of heaven began falling down to earth. In the end God was victorious over Satan. After that everything seemed to be alright but Satan did not forget fore he was not as forgiving as God.

He slowly started to collect his following this were Angels who had supported him I the great row with God. Among these were John, Luke and Christopher. They made plans against god they plotted his downfall but alas they were thwarted for God had many spies under his command he found out what they were potted then raised up against them. Then a great battle erupted one of the greatest there ever was for when Satan saw that he had been found out he rebelled with all his hate and malice.

It lasted for exactly one week this battle and in the end only seven angles not including God and Satan stood left alive for the sky rained blood that day for all the blood spilt for the only way to kill and angel is for to crush his heart and Satan advised the use of killing when the final battle was played. So God had no choice but to kill the angels of his own order. At the end Satan was cast down from Heaven in to the fiery pits of the earth’s core. For God thought that it would kill Satan but God was wrong. Satan had grown strong while God sleep. He survived the great fall from heaven and he set about making his own kingdom there he called it Hell.

He then wounded God further by doing something that God had not foreseen he was so close to the humans above that when they died if they had been evil Satan could keep there souls in Hell forever. For if they had been Good and caring in there life they went above to Gods kingdom.

Then God laid Punishment on the supporting angles of Satan he banished then from the kingdom of heaven. They were to be cast into the chamber of Darkness at the foot of Heaven. They did not however accept these terms they fled Heaven thorough a secret way there was three of them two supporters of Satan and a neutral. There names were Luke, John and Jacob. Jacob only helped them escape because he loved the earth and he so wanted to see its green fields again for long ago God had placed a ban on him that he would never again see its blue waters.

They hid themselves from God for Satan had showed them methods of hiding that even god couldn’t see through. This left three Angels in heaven with God (Marriet, CalebChristian) two true supporters an innocent Angel who wanted not to choose a side. His first job was to rebuild the once great kingdom of Heaven. For the battle had almost totally levelled it to the ground. He then called on all the creatures of heaven to rebuild it for there were many boatful and godly things that god feared to place on earth for fear of them being hunted therefore he placed them in the kingdom of heaven they had all hid when the battle started but now he called on then for there strength and aid in the great reconstruction of heaven.

It took many hundreds of years to rebuild Heaven and even then it was not as great as before God explained it would be as good as before because of all the blood that was spilt on that day. After the great reconstruction of Heaven Gods mind was set on one day Revenge he wanted to find the ones who had helped Satan cause so much hatred and thoughtless hate. He then started to look for the trespassers of Earth he actually disguised himself as a human and looked for tiding of them. He then heard a rumour of a forbidden island in which no one would set foot on it had once been colonised by the most skilled and gifted people of that tine but a few hundred years ago they had lost contact with he island they sent a help party but it was never seen again well one returned he came back mad rambling about Demons and Angels.

When God heard these rumours he was overjoyed for he knew it was them he did not guess however of what he would find there. He then returned to heaven to ready his armed forces he did not take his remaining angels however. He bade them to guard Heaven for fear of attack from below. He then took his most loyal and terrible creatures from heaven and descended down to earth. He saw at once while the angles had chosen this island it was dark overpopulated by trees and had volcanoes dotted around the island.

He came to there home at nightfall it was made out of pure rock fashioned in the design of Satan with iron and steel works at hand to make weapons. He called over the walls to the dark angles cursing them for destroying the pureness of heaven. They mocked him form the walls calling him a false god and a weak one at that. Then he unleashed these creatures on the fortes they broke upon it like water on rock for it was indeed made of strong stuff. The battle lasted for ten days for Angels are incredibly strong creatures both mentally and physically for they are more like god than any other creature.

In the end the fortes was torn down and the angles were backed into a corner. Then they faltered and asked only for there Sons to be left alive. Sons roared god you mean you have betrayed the secret oath of Heaven never to pass you power on to anyone for it is to great a thing to be spread. Then Gods rage great for he had said long ago never to have sons with mortal woman for they will be immortal and although they will not have the powers of Angels they will be destined never to die. God then saw to his dismay that they were telling the truth for stood upon the pile of stone they were 6 Men or so they seemed but God knew netter for they had the power of Luke, John and Jacob in there faces. He went towards then slowly ready to kill the poor bastards but the Angles knew Gods mind and all three of them seized him and bade there sons to flee in there last breath they transported there sons all around the earth each a different place far away from Gods wrath.

It’s good, could develop into something great, however punctuation, grammar and spelling need improvement.

Has your friend read Paradise Lost? He might like it.


“…they broke upon it like water on rock for it was indeed made of strong stuff.”

Ah, yes, that ever impenetrable strong “stuff”.
It might be a better story if the writer knew a bit more about religion. I’m afraid I won’t be able to read more of this for fear of turning into a ranting zealot, but first I would like to make a few comments:

7 angels left? How many were there to begin with? 50? 100? I figured initially there would have been about a million, so that makes for quite some carnage. And the bit about raining blood? Angels aren’t physical beings, and therefore don’t have blood.

The names seem inappropriately chosen, considering two of the evil angels share names with two of the Gospel writers. And calling the Devil- Satan before his downfall disconcerts me slightly. He was called Lucifer before he was cast down.

I’m not going to take issue with the angels have offspring with humans despite being non-corporeal beings because this is fantasy story and it’s not worth the trouble.

I will remain as civil about this as I am able.

The author should go back and spell check for homonyms or homophones, I forget which means which.

Thanks all I will pass this along.

This story sounds like it was heavily influenced by Greek and/or Roman mythology. God sounds more like Zeus in his thinking and actions. God would never plot revenge because he would never be angry enough at someone to do such a thing.

I don’t know if Lucifer was really second in power only to God; only that he coveted power. He was an archangel, so that meant he was more divine than ordinary angels. I think the archangel Michael fought Lucifer, but I’m not sure.

The author took a lot of liberties in the part of Lucifer forming Hell. Lucifer never waged war in Heaven. He took counsel with God and told him what he thought should be done with the humans. God disagreed and Lucifer told him that if he had the power of God, things would be different. God replied that if he did indeed want the power of God, he would give it to him. Thus, God created Hell and flung Lucifer into its pits.

Well, the story is okay, but the diction is kinda ugh.

For one thing, the author seems to be trying on an epic formal type of style, and destroys it completely at random intervals with phrases like “and then everything was all right” and “God explained it”. There’s also way too many sentences beginning with “for”, some of them being fragmented phrases. There are also misspellings and punctuation errors, but those are minor (but there is an amazing lack of apostrophes). Also, there shouldn’t really be an introduction of the characters, unless you want to make this a play script or something.

Will pass this on as well.

First of all, I want to congratulate my fellow posters for not critizicing this story simply because it is based on Christian beliefs. With some people nowadays the very mention of religion of any sort stirs trouble, like with the current debate against having the Ten Commandments at Courts.

I consider myself a free-thinking Christian, unaffiliated to ANY Church; and I stopped being offended by Religion-based Fantasies long ago. Heck, I’ve even read a few good ones, like Milton’s Paradise Lost (mentioned above.) Some follow the cannons of a specific Church, while others were completely made-up; the one above obviously is the latter. But again: if the writer is not offended by what he or she writes, and it is intended for an audience that also won’t be offended by it, then there’s no problem with it. Of course, posting things in the Net always risks that SOMEONE who will be offended might see them. And they have the right to complain (but not censor them.) You HAVE the right to do so, but you also should know the risks.

As for the story itself: it does have the ring of a Saga in progress; reminds me of Paradise Lost in that aspect. HOWEVER, it contains too many gramatical errors to make it a good read. Don’t you have access to a writing program with an error-correction system? That would fix most of the problems. Also, please make sure you punctuate sentences correctly so that they do not run into each other.

In all, your friend shows promise; tell him (her?) to continue but to work on solving those grammatical problems first.

The plot sounds okay, but the story itself needs a lot of improvement.

Firstly, it’s the attitude of God. The author seems to be integrating God with Zeus and other elements of Roman mythology; God would never plot revenge like that, as Lex said earlier.

When the author explains battles and events, he just seems to be rushing through them.

"The battle lasted for ten days for Angels are incredibly strong creatures both mentally and physically for they are more like god than any other creature. "

God should be capitalized, and the author sounds like he wants to get this overwith very quickly. Using things like “for” continually is also a bad idea. The author should use some semicolons and also some different and more powerful words to describe events so it doesn’t sound like a few brief statements.

I know it’s been said, but there are also a lot of spelling errors that make this much harder to read.