Progress Quest: Ye Olde Fic

The Core Media Forum
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<p align=“center”><img src=“http://www.geocities.com/strobalob/pqtitle.txt”></p>
Chapter 1: The Beginning, stupid.

<strike>Call me Ishmael</strike>
<strike>Call me Jeff</strike>
<strike>It was a dark and stormy night</strike>
<strike>Once upon a time</strike>
And so it came to pass, in a year that doesn’t really matter at this particular point, that a young boy of great <strike>expectations</strike> <strike>conquests</strike> stuff, but of little authoring skills, set out from his <strike>fair</strike> gloom village on a quest. Words had been flying through the air of riches to be won and stats to be heightened to soaring levels in the mystical land beyond the chilly mountains of That Place We Can’t Pronounce Because It’s Spelled Stupidly.

Verily, twas a bright morning, the birds were mellowing in the sunlight, and all was right with the world. Climbing to the top of the nearest hill, he looked down upon the grassy plains that would no doubt form the greater part of his quest. What with the greenness, and all. Y’know.
“Christ, my feet doth hurt,” quothed the brave-ish warrior, for the hill was tall and his shoes cheap and nasty. They had been discounted though, and so he had no reason to complain.

And so, armed with his Stick of Sharpness and his Plastic Shield, the youth did depart on, heading for the mystical lands beyond the chilly peaks of TPWCPBISS. Maybe he should have packed more socks.

And verily, <strike>verily, verily, verily, life was but a dream</strike> he didst meet an old man upon the bleak cobbled roads on the way to thenext village; Boomtown, The Town What Does Not Sleep.
“Hail, young man, I am but a crippled begger, and not a Mysterious Old Tricker, as is usually the way of things. Honest.” the old one delceared. And Jeff did ignore him, being well-versed in how these things go, and so walked on.
“Get back here, you little bastard, or I’ll smack you in the balls when you sleep,” the old one quoth, and thrice more before Jeff didst look upon him again.
“Aye, what dost though want, ye old codger,” Jess decreed, keeping his sharp stick in his hand.
“Verily, tis a quest!” the man declared, and pointed to yonder hills. The ones in the distance. “I am but a poor man, for my gold has been stolen by my bitch of a wife.”
“Ah! She put a spell upon thee!” Jess declared, being well-versed in how these things go as well.
“No, divorce. Bastard lawyers,” the old man corrected, and Jeff was humbled. “If thou canst defeat my wife and reclaim my gold, I can show ye the way through the mountains of TPWCPBISS!”
Jess gasped. “Gasp! But how didst thou know I was heading for the peaks of TPWCPBISS!?” Jess asked.
“Ye have packed many socks. Not enough thou, I warrent ye.”
“Oh. Right.”
And so Jeff set off to reclaim honour, gold, and smite the unscrupulous wife and her bastard lawyers. Twas a not-so-mighty quest, to be sure, but twas the <strike>stupidest</strike> first step on his way of stat enlargement, on his great Quest for Progress.

End of chapter 1

As you can guess, I’m doing a fic on the best MMORPG EVAR. :stuck_out_tongue: Tell me what you think.

CASTING CALL!
Leave your name, race, and preferred weaponry and I’ll shove you in at some point. Participants must be prepared to use Ye Olde Englishe phrases. You have been warned.

Progress Quest. The RPG where you it back and watch.
Also check MT’s thread on it. :slight_smile:

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Oooh, man… that’s hilarious. I especially like the “first draft” style with the crossed over words :slight_smile:
What MMORPG is this? I don’t play any, so it’s not easy fer me to tell :stuck_out_tongue: I am kinda guessing RO, but I dunno…

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Thanks Pierson, that made my day. :stuck_out_tongue:

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Great, absolutely great. I went and downloaded the “game” after seeing this, and I’ve now got a level 13 trans-kobold lowling. For the casting call, do you want something like you create on the game or just typical made up character stuff?

I’m looking forward to more, this is quality humor.

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Something like you create in the game, weapon of choice and basic description is all for this fic. :smiley:

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Is this update stuff? pokes

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Hey! Quit poking me! ;_;

And yes, it is. :stuck_out_tongue:

Chapter 2: TO THE CONDO! BLUE, WITH ELECTRICAL HEATING!

And so dids’t the brave lad Jeff forge ahead on his quest 'gainst the bastard lawyers and the wife of the old man, and not for the first time wondering why he hadst agreed to undertake this task with simple words of wisdom;
“Note to self; you suck.”
When lo! A mightly demon dids’t jump from behind a rock, and dids’t confront Jeff on te lofty track to yonder hilltop home of the Bastard Lawyers.
And Jeff didst stop dead and declare himself to the demon.
“Aw, crap.”
And quothing such, Jeff dids’t turn and leg it.
But lo! For another demon jumped upon him from hiding! Demons to the left of him, demons to the right of him, and <strike>penguins</strike> demons behind!

And for the third time lo! As a handily placed bush dids’t shake and rattle, and from it’s leafy depths dids’tids’tids’t did a figure jump from it and land to the left of Jeff! And Jeff was pleased.
“What ho Jeff! If thou wouldn’t take on many demons at once, thou art royally screwed!” declared the unnamed and undescribed warrior. And saying thus the warrior reached for his belt and drew his weapon, and turned to smite the lefternmost demon upon the head! And said demon did die a gruesome death.
“Verily, I smote him mightily!” quothed the warrior of bravery. Turning to Jeff, he quothethethed; “Jeff! You stupid bastard! With ought but a stick with whihc to smite thine enemies! Have this!”
And he handed Jeff a sword, and Jeff dids’t grab it, and then did fall down, quothing; “Yaarg. 'Tis a heavy bugger and no mistaking it! But I woulds’t know thou name?”
“No time for that!” the warrior spake, and having spaken turned and pointed at yonder hill house, which had turned out to a condo. Blue, with electrical heating. “Go and smite yonder bastard lawyers we must! Yonder! To the condo! Blue, with electrical heating!” he cried, and charged up the hill.
Jeff, being a wiser Jeff than before, waited at the bottom, as the warrior became tired, and fell back down again. “Now who’s a stupid bastard! Nar nar ee nar nar!” and so forth, until nameless warrior did clip him upon the head.
“Silence! We must charge yonder hill, lest they see us coming!”
“But they’re already there. They’re waving at us. Look,” Jeff quoth, and both turned, and saw the truth of his words, for upon yonder hill stood a man, waving, in black.
“Sod,” the warrior delcared. “Then we must smite him! For truth! and honour! and American cheesecake!”
“Verily, we must,” jeff said, hefting his recently-donated sword. "We mist smite him, for all them things what you just said!
“Yaaar!” quothed the warrior.
“Yaaar!” quothed Jeff, and they dids’t charge up the hill with much noise, and many rests in between, for twas a tall hill, and the warriors armour was bloody heavy.

“Greetings, thou warriors of truth, etc etc,” the Man in Black hailed, as jeff and the warrior finally mounted the summit of hill, and beheld the condo. Blue, with electrical heating. “Hast thou been sent by yonder old man, who sits at the bottom of this very hill, waiting for his money to be returned?”
“Aye!” quothed the warriors.
“Then I shalt sue thee! For I am a lawyer!”
“A lawyer for truth, honour, and American cheesecake?”
“Nay! A lawyer for money!”
Jeff and his companion dids’t shrug, and lifting their weapons did smite the bastard lawyer upon the head with great relish and heaviness.
“Ow,” declared the lawyer, and he dids’t fall, being well smoten.
“Hurrah!” delcared Jeff
“Hurrah!” delcared the unnamed warrior. “And now! to reclaim the precious’es of this householf in the name of that old man at the bottom of the hill!”
And the two dids’t move into the house, whereupon Jeff was smoten my a vase thrown by the angry wife. But showing fortitude he pushed her aside, did gather all precious’es in a hady and heretofore unmentioned sack, and dids’t exit the condo. Blue, with electrical heating.

“You have reutnred my gold!” the dold man quoth, praising Jeff. “Now thou shalt be rewarded! With the stats thou art craving!” And he did wave his hand sin a vaguely mystical manner, and jeff’s stats did improve.
“Oy,” quoth the mysterious warrior. “I helped.”
“Sod off. I nay have enough stats for two.”
And the warrior dids’t turn to Jeff. “I say we smite him and take his gold!”
“Aye!” declared Jeff, and the two dids’t smite the man upon the head.
“Ow,” said he, and fell.
“And now to pawn these precious’es whenst we get to Boomtown, The Town What Does Not Sleep!” quothed the warrior.
“Aye! Answer me this though!”
“Aye?”
“How dids’t thou know I was helping that old man. Or even know who the old man was?”
And the warrior dids’t look mysterious. “Do not ask stupid questions, lest you be smoten!” he declared.
And Jeff was satisfied.

End of chapter 2

Next time on Progress Quest! Will Jef discover the name of yonder warrior?* Will this fic start to have a plot?** Wll the author bother to write something meaningful?***

*Yes, when someone gets cast.

**Maybe.

***The hell he will.

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Name: Mabatsekker
Race: Half-Feline/Half-Fennoman (Man from North. Finland to be precise)
Class: Ranger1/Cleric5
Age: 17
Str: 13
Con: 15
Dex: 12
Wis: 17
Int: 10
Cha: 14
Weapons: Big Hammer, Small Hammer, Throwing Hammer, and the Mace
Magical Abilities: Can dance. 25% Buffs, 25% Lightning from the sky and 50% Heals.

How: He went into the Den of Evil, cleansed it and restored faith into humanity. Well, those who didn’t consider him a bastard, anyway. Ran into the woods and hit his head REAL hard and fell down near-dead (His first level hp roll was THAT BAD). A nearby REALLY CUTE dryad then asked the goddess of trees to show pity upon the creature, and wow, he bcame a man of faith.

Why: Considers himself to be the one who shall unite the races of the world into a perfect harmony. Too bad Elvis still lives, and the Dwarves are after him. Saving the King is his priority.

When: Now.

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Best fic ever.

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Who: demigod

Weapon of choice: Long pointy stick (Or a spear, being essentially a better long pointy stick. Halberds are good too.)

What: Blue-skinned, with orange hair. Tall and thin with bulging muscles, especially legs (good for kicking or running). Green eyes. Sharp teeth. Tale of a spider-monkey, and large feathered wings (what a freak). Clawed hands and feet, but still able to efficiently grasp items (sorry if I’m getting carried away). Furry (mmmm, soft). Ermm, I guess that’s enough bizzarreness. I can change if this is too nutsy.

How: Somebody went completely mad. Somebody with a gene-splicer. Not a good combination, as can be seen.

Why: I lost control.

When: Whenever I want, foo.

Where: Right in your own backyard if you like.

I just scared myself.

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Can I use this character? It’s just so fitting…

Picked Zeero because Zero was taken, obviously.

As a quirk, well, he hates to use Summon Big Sister even when he is quite capable, he tends to like to headbutt things, except oxygen golems or porn elementals.

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<b>Chapter 3: The Third Chapter</b>

And so Jeff and the warrior who Seeked Mabats (for Mabatseeker was his name), the Halfcat from the North, dids’t reach the Town What Does Not Sleep, Boomtown. And they stoodst looking upon the bleak and bleary scenery.
“We shoulds’t find an inn to rest,” Jeff did say, being dog-tired. And so the warriors did wonder around for a few hours, having their pockets picked more than once, and they did complain, having their precious gold stole from their belts.

And so the brave-ish warriors did come across the inn of the Twon of Boom, and looking up at it, Mabat did quoth:
“Verily, what a dump.”
Whereupon jeff dids’t wisely say that beggers could not, indeed, be choosers, and so they dids’t enter, and sat themselves upon the barstool.
“Wench! Fetch us some mead!” Jeff delcared, and said wench dids’t turn and smite him upon the hed with a tankard.
And Mabat did look from Jeff to the wench, and from the wench to Jeff, and from Jeff to the wench again, and dids’t declare;
“He’s not with me.”
And the wench, being convinced, fetched Mabat his mead, and Mabat did drink and was content.

And jeff did regain consciousness much later, and sat up. “What in Odin’s name hath taken place here?”
"Thou were smoten mightily by yonder wen- woman, and hath been on the floor since last night. People have been using you as a carpet.
And Jeff did look down, and did see his clothing was muddy. “Bastards! They hast dirtied mine armour-”
“It’s cotton armour.”
“They hast dirtied mine cotton!” And having spoken he stood. “We must catch yonder villains and smite them with our sticks!”
“It’s a hammer.”
“Thou knowest damn well what I meant!” Jeff dids’t declare angrily, and Mabat was humbled.
And so they bid the violent wench fairwell, and did step out into the sunlight of Boomtown, where a cart splashed mud on them.
“That,” quothed Mabat, “was not a good start.”

And so they dids’t plod through the town, encountering many old folk, young folk, and folk who are not old yet not young, and they did ask them where they might find the customers of the Pub of last night, who had used Jeffs cotton armour (laughs) as a place to wipe their feet.

“Verily, your armour is a joke,” Mabat decreed. “You must purchase some newer stuff!” And th two did head for the armourer, who conveniently lived next door to where they were standing.
“What ho, armouring-man! I am in dire need of some new armour!” Jeff decreed, pointing at his soiled cotton breastplate.
And the armourer did nod and say; “Sweet bejesus what’s a crappy suit of armour!”
And the three dids’t nod sagely, for his words were wise and true.
So the armour did take his measurements with his measureing measurer, and dids’t retreat to his forge, and began to forge a newer armour.
And the two dids’t wait, and play Nougts and Crosses on the floor.
And an hour passed.
And another.
And another
And so forth, thrice more.
Until finally the armourererer emerged, dragging a new suit of armour.
“Lo!” declared the armourer. “I have forged armour made of finest Iron! May it speed your through many an encounter with the demons of this world!”
And taking it Jeff did put on the armour, and was happy.
“And that shall be fifty gold pieces!” quothed th armour.
And looking at each other, Jeff and Mabat didst run from the armourer and his armoury, laughing as they went.
And so, the two brave warriors dids’t move from Boom town, heading into the country, for Mabat had purchased supplies in a scene not previosly detailed, and the two didst continue on, on their Progres Quest.

<b>End of chapter 3</b>

Next time on Progress Quest! Will a plot finally appear from the mist of random stuff? Will Mabatseeker explain his past, dark or otherwise? Will they be joined by new conrades?

<spoiler>Yes</spoiler>
<spoiler>Ditto</spoiler>
<spoiler>What do <i>you</i> think?</spoiler>

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Haw! Is funny how you made the name Mabatseeker.

Mabats + Seeker = Mabatseeker.

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Nice… (Well, let’s say the ale was mead. Not into alcohol, y’see)

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Feel free to use.

Kazador
Crested Dwarf
Fighter/Organist
Wields a heavy bowie knife.

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Alright, so far we have in no particular order:

Jeff
Mabatseeker
Demigod
Zeero
Koor
Kazador
Boop

Any I missed - and I’m sure there are - due to bad memory and crashing Word documents, stick 'em in your post, with any quirks and mad weaponz.

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Heelarios. chuckles Yes, the game of name was very funny, though the best part was about the crappy armor. :slight_smile:

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Chapter 4: Untitled

And so out two brave heroes did run from the armour and his sharp stick, being clothed in new finery and other shiny bits.
“Lo, this finery sure is shiny!” quoth Jeff.
“You already said that,” Mabat dids’t reply, and it was the truth.
And so the warriors did stroll through leafy den and across watery brooks, heading still for the mountains of TPWCPBISS. And they did come across many demons and monsters, which they smite upon the had with Mabat’s Big Ass Hammer and poke with Jeff’s sharp stick.
When lo! Yet another random monster did leap from the trees ahead of them!
“YAR!” declared the monster, for twas a big monster, and fell of fiery vemon.
“Strewth!” Jeff dids’t declare, having nothing better to say.
“Die, mine enemy!” Mabat did say, smote him mightily. The monstr, not Jeff.
“Yaarrr!” delcared the monster in agony, and it fell to the ground, smoten with Mabat’s Big Ass Hammer.
And lo! For a sword dids’t fall from it’s reaches, and stck between Jeff’s toes, at whcih he did shriek like a girl. “Eek!” But seeing it twas only a sword he did pick it up. Verily, it was a shiney sword, with writing upon it in some Ancient script from beyond th dawn of time.
“Alas! I cannot read this!” Jeff did declare, and beat the ground with his fist.
And so did Mabat pick up the sword, held it aloft, and read; “Tis a +4 Stabbity Longsword!”
“Gasp!” Jeff gasped, “For how can you read such a language?”
“Simple. I am the one person in this world who can unite the races of this world into harmony. Thus with my faith in this goal, nothing is hidden from me. Simpe, see?”
“Oh.”
And thus did Mabat hand the sword to jeff. “For with my Big Ass Hammer I have no need of such a thing. Now onwards! To the mountains of TPWCPBISS!”
And as they walked Jeff dids’t question his comrade’s abilities. “Verily, what abailities might you posses?”
“It is well you should ask, for I can call down Lightning from the sky to smite mine enemies, heal the sick and the wounded, and can delfect the most powerful magics with a but a wave of mine hand.”
“Liar.”
“Well, so long as that hand has a big shield on it.”
“…”
“I also know how to dance.” And dropping his Big Ass Hammer, he danced a merry jig upon the ground.
“verily you art a man of many talents. But why are you wandering arounf aimlessly?” Jeff did ask. "Should thou not be off saving royalty from demons and such, as heroes are wont to do?
“Verily, but I hit my head on a low-hanging tree. I do not remember my purpose. I have amnesia, and forgot everything.”
“You remembered what anmesia was.”
“I forgot how I remembered that.”
“Verily, tis a grim ailment-”
But wait!
“But wait! By an amazing coincidence your insane ramblings have told me what mine purpose was! I was rescuing the King from the dreaded Bacon Elementals when I hit my head!” And he clapped Jeff on the back. “Verily, thine idioticness has been a boon to us! For the King owns the one objec that may help me unite all races!”
“And what may this object be?” Jeff declared in wonderment.
And Mabat did deflate. “I know not. He was kidnapped before I got a chance to ask. Curse those Bacon Elementals!”
“Then we must go and rescue the King!” Jeff shouted to the sky, and many birds fell from their nests.
“Verily, we must! To the Bacon’s lair!” Mabat did decree. “For truth, and justice, and American Cheesecake!”
“Lo!”
And so, the warriors began to head for the lair of the dreaded Bacon Elementals, as the original plot is abandoned. As they are wont to do when an author thinks of something better.
And there was much rejoicing.

End of chapter 4

Next time on Progress Quest! Will Jeff and Mabat save the King after only one episode of trying? Will Jef get a clue? Will more characters be introduced this time?

So tune in next time viewers! Same progress time, same progress channel!

Nah.

I sincerely doubt it.

Yup. I’ll remember this time.

There are no wimmin in this fic! We need wimmin, to be the sensible ones among the madness, as is the anime cliche! :stuck_out_tongue:

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Ye want wimmin, ya perverts? I’LL GIVE YE WIMMIN!

Name: Weiila
Race: Double Wookie
Class: <strike>Warrior</strike> Voodoo (darnit, so CLOSE!) Princess
Weapon: Pointy Stick
Armor: Plastic Rusty Leathers
Magic: Slime Finger. Eeew!

Quirks: I’m furry dammit!

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I don’t feel insulted, but I don’t feel like I know if I should be insulted, Weiila :stuck_out_tongue: