“What oh my god” I say. As I walk away excited but also a little scared.
“Interesting this boy what is his age,” said a man looking at a screen.
“Kyle sir,” said a man in the same uniform as the one defeated.
“Catch me this Kyle, now.” Said the man who was obviously in charge “use are best people this is far more interesting than a pikachu with this boy I shall rule the world hahahahaha.”
“calm down Garland sir remember the last time you went mad you were beaten by the light warriors.”
“I suppose your right bike I suppose your right but theirs no light warriors here are there. Said Garland.
“I suppose your right sir but what about that boy.” Said bike.
“what about the boy your right you should go and catch him chop chop.” Said Garland.
Hmm. Better. But still needs to be rewritten. Here, I’ll do it for you, so you can see what I mean. Pay attention to the punctuation and capitalization:
-“What? Oh my god!” I said, as I walked away, excited, but also a little scared.
-“Interesting, this boy. What is his name?” said a man looking at a screen.
-“Kyle, Sir,” said a man in the same uniform as the one defeated.
-“Catch me this Kyle. Now!” said the man who was obviously in charge. “Use our best people. This is far more interesting than a pikachu. With this boy, I shall rule the world! Hahahahaha.”
-“Calm down, Garland sir! Remember the last time you went mad? You were beaten by the Light Warriors!”
-“I suppose you are right, Bike, I suppose you are right. But there are no Light Warriors here, are there?" said Garland.
-“I suppose you are right, Sir. But what about that boy?” said Bike.
-“What about the boy? You are right, you should go and catch him Chop Chop.” Said Garland.
Note I corrected some misspellings too. BTW who is Chop Chop?
Other comments later.
Okay, I have two theories now, and don’t get me wrong. I normally never say things like this. But either I can believe that you are a troll (parodier) or that you’re not listening at all, because now I really have no idea what you mean is going on. But since you’re eleven, I guess you deserve a break.
Don’t take this the wrong way kyle, but it hurts to read this. Is this supposed to be a parody? Maybe you could write more than 10 sentences at one time so it’s not so choppy.
Wil, “chop chop” is an expression that means: very quickly/on the double/ASAP.
Do take their’ advice. The last post was much better, but still room for improvement. However, it is worth mentioning that it is only natural for an 11 year old to run into these problems. If you work at it, and continue to take other’s advice, you could excel at writing. Honestly, for something made by an 11 year old, this isn’t that bad. At least, I have seen worse.
Kinda odd that an 11 YO would know who Garland and the light warriors are though.
Originally posted by IonMage
Kinda odd that an 11 YO would know who Garland and the light warriors are though.
Not at all.
Yeah seriously. the old final fantasies are popular. But this story is like. SOOOOOO bad. Seriously. I dunno what constructive critisism I can give other than learn how to write. REad someone elses story and find a style you like and make your story conform to that style until your good enough to make your own style. And when I was 11 my stories were script format but a HELL of a lot better than this. of course i haven’t improved much since then because I only recently started writing non script fomat.
Team rocket led by bikke waited in a tree many wanting to doze off and would’ve if the wild weedles weren’t attacking their feet they kept awake dodging the weedles and only one member was asleep this member was not in that group but in a vacant gym.
“It’s a ghost.” One of the most popular cries when people heard the snoring from the gym. People were running scared at the ghost that’s what I saw when I came in the town weak and bruised. I tried to get to pokemon center but with people tripping over me it wasn’t easy. Then I saw the sign closed I felt like I could cry.
Mad people all around me ,exhausted and trapped could things get any worse I thought no. I could not of been more wrong.
As I walked through the woods the net fell and quite simply caught me and through me in a cell I thought I would not see the light of day again.
:fungah:
…that’s all i have to say…
It’s spelt ‘threw’ when you’re referring to something being thrown.
You could do with some more punctuation as well to break up the longer sentences. Still short, but I’ve given up complaining now.