Pointy Ears and Fish Fingers

I would like to make clear that this is, first and foremost, a spoof. I have absolutely no idea what generated this and I’m not sure I even want to know. So, just a warning- I wouldn’t read this anywhere high, except in an attic. You’re only likely to fall off your chair.
Did I mention I don’t own Chrono Trigger? shrugs Ah well, I’m sure you could’ve figured that one out.

Pointy Ears And Fish Fingers

The floating continent of Zeal actually did supply its citizens with most of the game they needed to survive. There was only one exception to this…


It wasn’t that the continent didn’t have any fish, it was more that the fish that lived in the lakes were not at all tasty and sometimes poisonous, rather like fugu, but causing more deaths. And in the one place where it wasn’t a lake, there was a waterfall… and the fish inevitably fell over that waterfall.

Which meant that fish were imported from the continents below. Fortunately, the cost of doing this was very little- relatively at least- making those of the Earthbound Ones who traded in fish doing fairly well for themselves in the villages, despite the fact it didn’t really help them with those who lived in Zeal. Not that they really envied the Zealians, being busy eking out an existence in the snow that covered the lower continents.

And they most certainly wouldn’t have envied the Royal Family of Zeal, minus the King who was away on business, on an occasion when one of the cook’s ability with fish proved somewhat disastrous.

It began innocently, as all such disasters are wont to do. The fish had been shipped up to the kitchen and the cooks were busy bustling around, preparing the fish for the Royal Family’s meal.

However, one amoungst their number had only recently begun training with magic and was therefore trying to practise as often as he could.

“All right, break time!” called the head chef, pulling his apron off and hanging it on a hook with a useful and recently discovered spell. “Just leave the fish for now, it needs to have the juices sink into it!” (Note: I know nothing about the art of cooking fish. I don’t want to know anything about the art of cooking fish. So just go with this, okay?)

The other cooks left, relieved to have a break from being totured in the kitchen with things like carrots whacking them up their heads occasionally and the odd pointy thing flying in their direction. The aforementioned cook, however, decided to remain and test out some fire spells to see if he could manage to utilise it properly.

What are your thoughts? Haven’t gotten beyond this yet…

So far it seems pretty good, and quite simple to follow.
Keep it up.

Yup, as Booken said it looks interesting. Keep it up! :slight_smile:

It’s like Terry Pratchett’s style of narraration, except about as half as zany. Which means your story is still pretty zany :stuck_out_tongue: Keep it up.

Under the head cook, the kitchen was usually a neat and tidy place. Right now, it was slightly floured and untidy, but nothing too out of the ordinary.

However, after the cook had finished with his spells, it was a small disaster zone. Not only that, but…



“…this is not good.”

Needless to say, the head cook was not impressed. Not impressed at all. “Forenseth!” he bellowed. “Why do you think we have training halls!?!?”

“Um… to train?”

“PRECISELY! So WHY in the name of all things bright and beautiful did you decide to practise IN HERE!?!?”

Forenseth cowered. “I… I don’t know, sir,” he quivered miserably.

“Listen, now! You ruined the fish, now you’ll have to come up with something to fix it, and fast! You’re also going to apologise to Her Majesty for ruining the fish!”

Forenseth whimpered, but got to work.

ooo. continue. This seems like a good little fic…

There is a point to this. Really.

“Hmm… lunch is late today,” Queen Zeal observed, looking at the empty table.

“I wonder why?” Schala murmured quietly to herself, laying aside her book.

“Dammit Janus, get OFF me!” a masculine voice shouted from outside the room, its owner shortly bursting inside, a blue-haired boy hanging onto his cloak, along with a purple cat. “Schala! Can’t you do something about your brother!?” he asked.

Schala sighed and pushed her chair back, bending down and holding her arms out. “Janus, please stop bothering Belthasar,” she said softly. “You know he gets upset when his projects are upset.”

Gaspar snorted from behind. “Upset? That’s an understatement, Schala. He throws tantrums, destroys…”

“SHUT UP!” Belthasar bellowed, turning bright red.

“…and this is the Guru of Reason?” Schala asked her mother as Janus ran to her and she stood up with him in her arms.

Zeal shook her head, but smiled slightly. “Guru Belthasar, Guru Gaspar, would you like to join us for lunch?”

“Did I hear someone mention ‘lunch’?” another man asked, stepping out from behind a blue curtain.

Gaspar frowned. “Melchior, you had some food barely an hour ago!”

“My experiments take a lot of energy!” Melchior protested.

“Yes, chemical energy. Not yours,” Belthasar added. “Honestly Melchior, call that thing of yours a stomach? I’d call it a bottomless hole.”

“Or a black hole, which only sucks in food,” Gaspar put in.

Melchior glowered, but Zeal interrupted. “Don’t worry, I’m sure there’ll be enough to cater for everyone,” she said, smiling. “Even Melchior’s bottomless hole.”

“It is not a bottomless hole!”

A nasty scene might have broken out then, but the world would never know, as Forenseth came into the dining room just then and bowed, saying apologetically, “Forgive me, your Majesty, Highnesses, Gurus. I am afraid there was a minor mishap in the kitchen and we will be serving a different fish dish than usual.”

“That’s quite all right,” Schala said. “Is it possible to have enough of this dish for all of us? And two portions for Melchior,” she added as Forenseth moved to leave.

Aww, Janus is so keyoote!

With the aid of some of the other kitchens helpers, Forenseth came back from the kitchen carrying as many plates as could be balanced and taken off. Reaching the table, he unloaded the plates, then bowed as the other kitchen helpers carried out other plates and said, “Your Majesty, Your Highnesses, Gurus, I would like to present to you today’s meal- fish fingers.”

Schala picked up a fork and poked the fish fingers cautiously. “Uh, these are dead, right?” she asked nervously.

“Of course, Your Highness, I made sure of it myself.” He bowed, then left the room to watch from behind curtains very nervously.

“I didn’t realise fish had fingers,” Belthasar commented. “What are the lemon quarters for?”

“Probably for putting on the fish,” Melchior replied, doing so. He then picked up his knife and fork and cut through the lemon quarter and the fish below it, then put the lot in his mouth.

The others stared at him and, behind the curtains, Forenseth facepalmed quietly. “Melchior… I don’t think you’re meant to eat the lemon peel with the fish,” Schala said.

“Blark!” With that, Melchior spat the lemon peel out. Poking it thoughtfully, he commented, “Yes, I think you’re right. After all, we don’t eat them with anything else, do we?”

“Indeed,” Zeal agreed, still regarding the fish fingers with suspicion. Having satisfied herself that they were indeed dead, she turned her attention to working out what they were supposed to do with the lemon. “Maybe you’re supposed to squeeze it…?”

Will write more later.

LOL! Oh man, that’s hilarious with the suspicioun and philosophy, wingnut :hahaha; More!

“But don’t you squeeze orange halves to make orange juice?” Gaspar asked.

Melchior had been busy cutting up the rest of the meal. He nodded, then popped the piece of fish finger and vegetables on his fork into his mouth and swallowed. “It’s only an idea, but maybe the juice is a flavouring for the fish?” he suggested.

Janus made a face at the plate in front of him. “Nyeak!”

“Pardon?” Schala asked. Janus simply grimaced at the plate. “Look, if you don’t want to eat it, just say so.”

Quietly, Janus slipped off his chair and began to walk towards the door. However, before he got there, Belthasar grabbed him. “Oh no you don’t. You are NOT going off to wreak havoc in the studies, do you hear me?”

Janus nodded, came back to the table and sat down in a huff. Schala patted him absently, which only sent him further into the huff.

Curious, Zeal reached over and poked the huff. “Is it edible?” she asked.

“I think a huff is a state of being,” Melchior clarified, eating. “You can’t eat it.” To prove his point, he went to the kitchen to borrow a steak knife, cut off a small piece of the huff, attempted to eat it and was forced to spit it out onto the table, where it lay like a formerly unknown variation of tiger’s eye. “See? It would probably be as useful as Dreamstone, if we could utilise it. Unfortunately, we can’t.” He shrugged and looked around. “Is anyone else going to eat or would you-”

“NO!” was the resounding chorus, except from Janus, who simply pushed his plate over to Melchior.

Zeal turned her attention to her food and began eating. Halfway through chewing part of one of the fish fingers (without lemon), her face froze. Slowly, she swallowed, then started poking the fish fingers again.

“Mother, they’re dead,” Schala said, clearly concerned.

“Yes dear, I know that,” Zeal replied, but she continued to poke the fish fingers. “Try tasting them.”

Melchior blinked. “I thought they were fine,” he said, puzzled.

“You eat so fast you don’t taste anything!” Gaspar exclaimed and popped one of his own into his mouth. His eyes practically bugged out. “This is AWFUL! Taste them!” He grabbed the water jug, poured a glass and drank it.

Schala shook her head. “They can’t possibly be that bad!”

“Oh yes they can,” Belthasar assured her gloomily, squeezing a lemon quarter over his.

Next part should finish this. Fwee.

The poor cooks ^^;;

“It’s not possible! That fudge pancake was the worst thing I’ve ever tasted!”

Behind the curtain, Forenseth blanched. That had been another of his creations… He was almost sure now that this was not going to go down well.

I should take another job, he thought dispiritedly. I wonder if there’s any space for a cleaner at the University?

Completely unaware that Forenseth was watching them (though rather dispirtedly), Schala pushed peas onto the piece of fish finger and paused. “I’m sure it’s good,” she said, placed it in her mouth and began to chew. Melchior was also taking his time in eating the fish fingers this time. Forenseth crossed his fingers, but he wasn’t feeling terribly hopeful.

His non-hope was confirmed a few moments later.

It was also rumoured that the confirmation was the cause of several fish jumping in surprise over the boundary rapids between the calm lake and the waterfall and falling into the ocean below, where they promptly discovered they didn’t belong and expired, with the result that the sea plants in the area wilted and remained so for several weeks.

The confirmation was a sound of pure disgust and surprise that anything could possibly be so awful, so dryishly wet. (Lighting dry-cleaner like spells did tend to leave the subject like that, so perhaps it wasn’t totally surprising…) It was…

“EUUUURRGGGHHHHH!!! cough spit choke hack

“Gods, this is AWFUL!”


As a minor detail, Melchior was now in agreement with that opinion and was trying to cough his stomach out.

Forenseth whimpered and cowered into a corner. He really hoped he’d be alive after the head cook had done with him… but he doubted it.


deep breath Well, that was fun. Sorta.

If anyone’s wondering about the pointy ears… apparently the royal family have pointy ears. And, even if it’s not mentioned, it wasn’t specifically mentioned in Lord of the Rings either and still managed to become the single defining trait of elves everywhere… O_o

Me, I just like drawing pointy ears and was looking for a story that fit a weird title like that. One of those strange Muse-inspired things one gets occasionally…

Hope this was enjoyed. And if not, constructive critisism is great.