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'Tis good, descriptive and emotional- nice work! 
I can pick a fault in it, though- which, let’s be fair, is what you asked- the start seems to dither and dawdle a little bit. From the third paragraph on, it’s solid, but the first two (about the sky being grey) could use… tightening, I guess. Try to write it as one paragraph and see what happens.
Otherwise, top fic!
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