Removed
I haven’t even read it yet, but I think I should suggest you put less spaces. You should kinda balance it out. Although, this is certainly an easier format to read than the other ones.
Just read alittle, you don’t have anything to tell people when the characters are talking. Try this:
“Hello Cloud!”
Also, I see capitalization errors. Like here:
what do you mean it was nothing? you saved many live’s by killing those monster’s.
Lastly, you should try using more varied words in the story. Like you could change this:
Cloud knew she was right, so with a little hesitation he admitted she was right.
Into this:
Cloud knew she was right, so with a little hesitation he admitted it.
Not much of a change, but it sounds better.
I’m sorry, try this again when you’re older or something, and have a better grasp on grammar.
Naah, he just needs a good spellchecker- and to learn the tricks of the trade, like splitting the text into as many paragraphs as possible.
but it has improved from the first one, correct?
Yeah, but I’d feel pretty bad if I was the one getting tips from an 11 year old.
Not me. Wisdom can be found anywhere, even from children. All you have to do is pay attention.
Anyway, you can NEVER be sure of someone’s age (or gender, or anything else) online anyway! 
Cool, I’m wise!