My first go at a fanfic... Um...

The Core Media Forum
41

Helloooooooo
Alrighty, answer time =)

Interesting part! I can’t help but wonder, like Squall, what Seifer’s doing there and how he managed to get Shiva. It’ll be interesting to find out.
— Eh, as far as I know, they’re trying to find Seifer so he can be dragged back for his punishment. Even Galbadia can’t ignore his presence anymore. I didn’t go into much depth about it. Should I?
As for how he comes across Shiva… it’s explained in the next flashback I think. Again… not much detail, but I’ll ask whether it needs to be expanded once you’ve read it.

I don’t think it would work to give Rinoa a SeeD rank. SeeD true purpose is to hunt down Sorceresses that go mad from their power, and having a Sorceress within the institution would undermine that. Perhaps having Cid point out to the Galbadian’s that they were the ones who harboured and used the last Sorceress, and suggest that they’re probably protesting so much because they want to use this one as well. That should cause them to back off Garden’s case. It wouldn’t stop them from trying to nab her if she was in their territory though.
— That’s a good idea actually… Now I just have to figure out how to re-write some parts :wink:

He carried a small pistol at his ankle, but right now it was as far away as the moon. While I know you’re talking figuratively here, it comes out really awkward… Maybe “it was as good as if it were on the moon” ?

— Yup. I changed that bit too.

Once Squall is freed, you described him retrieving Lionheart from a “young boy”. Would a young boy be able to lift it? Or was the kid just standing guard over it while it lay on the ground?
— I kinda had an image of a kid in the crowd not actually holding it, but having it leaning against him, and maybe just holding onto the butt of the gunblade to keep it from falling away.

While I liked most of Shiva’s fight, especially her little dialogue (cold one, isn’t she? cowers in a corner), I thought it was a bit unrealistic that she would be able to dodge all of the bullets. Even adding one or two grazing her would make it better.
— Heh yeah, she’s a right bitch :wink: Forgive me for using the Shiva from FFX, but I thought that one was the hell of a lot hotter, and much more realistic. She isn’t being hit in the beginning because there aren’t too many soldiers there yet, and she’s able to dodge everything relatively well. Near the end though, she starts getting hit, and that’s when Seifer calls her back. Let me know if it still seems too unrealistic, and I’ll gulp have her hit a couple of times :wink:

“I don’t suppose you know how we’re going to get out of town now, with the whole damned army coming after us?” Squall asked in a pleasant tone. Seifer rolled his eyes. I know Squall’s being ironic, but I still can’t see him dead-panning it. Maybe having him be sarcastic, or growling it out? That’s just my personal viewpoint…
— I made a mistake there. I don’t think the tone of voice he was saying it with in my head matches up with what I wrote at ALL. I fixed it so it’s more sarcasm than anything else.

WHEEEEEEEEEE new section to follow! :kissy:

42

Muahahha. This is a short section before one of the most important flashbacks…
Enjoy!

Squall was sorting through the closet, trying to find something to wear that was “official”, but not too official.

Rinoa walked up beside him to help, but he was only distracted by her presence. Her skin was nearly translucent, and currently there was quite a bit of it showing. She had adamantly refused to have anything to do with any sort of maternity clothing, so she had simply adjusted the way she wore her regular wardrobe to suit her needs.

Currently, the white shorts he’d given her the night before were dangerously low on her hips, and the top she was wearing was thoroughly indecent. He wished she’d cover up a bit more, but was determined not to say anything to her. Instead, he forced himself to look away, turning his attention back to the selection of shirts he had available.

Rinoa flicked her hand through the closet, pausing here and there to make a comparison, or mentally match two pieces of clothing together. Squall gave up and watched her, an amused smile on his face.

“Why is it that you like dressing me so much?” He asked her. Rinoa patted her bump affectionately, awakening a stir of activity from its inhabitant. Squall watched, entranced.

“Because. I can’t dress myself nicely anymore, so I might as well use that talent on someone else.” She explained, pulling several items out of the closet and laying them on the bed. He looked over her selection, admitting that it was a good choice. “Besides, you do a terrible job of it yourself,” Rinoa continued, winking at him. Squall shook his head and turned towards the bathroom to take a shower.

Rinoa smiled to herself, and sat down carefully in one of the chairs in the corner. She hoped she could get out of it without assistance this time. Last time had been a disaster. She’d been stuck in the damn thing for hours because it sunk too far under her weight, and she didn’t have enough momentum to haul herself out of it.

She placed on hand at the top of her belly and closed her eyes. It was beginning to cool off a bit, and she had seen clouds on the horizon. A little more sleep wouldn’t hurt.

43

Hey, beutiful woman wearing clothes that barely fit her…what the sheezy-feezy is Squall complaining about? ^^

44

Undoubtedly, a talented writer and an intriguing fanfic, too ^^

I have to agree with the thing about the flashbacks, though. My writing bible is ‘Rewriting - a creative approach to writing fiction’ by David Michael Kaplan, and he argues vividly against any except the most well integrated flashbacks, for a number of valid reasons that I’ll outline below:

[ul]
[li]For one thing they stall the current conflict - by the time we reach the end of the flasback, we’ve forgotten what the original conflict was, and it can be daunting and require the reader to flick back to the beginning of the story to find out - a BIG no no.
[/li][li]Flashbacks are often better not as flashbacks at all, but when they’re integrated seamlessly into the main prose without a change of format. For example, Rinoa could see a photograph and that could trigger a memory - you can still present it as the vividly detailed memories you have here without separating it so harshly from the main thread of the story. Avoid itallics and such - they all remind the reader that you’re still reading a story, when the best stories always make you forget that you are :wink:
[/li][li]Always ask yourself if the flashback is such an integral part of the story - if the answer is ‘yes’, why doesn’t the story begin there?
[/li][li]Ask yourself if the flashback can be dispensed with; broken up and spread throughout the story; condensed radically; or transferred straight into the story’s beginning.
[/li][/ul]

Hope this gives you some ideas :slight_smile:

45

Personally, I think removing or altering flashbacks because it’s assumed the reader won’t be able to follow the story is forcing a writing style that bends to the lowest common denominator of your audience. Most of my favourite stories have had multiple plotlines running parallel to each other, whether they be different characters and their plots switching back and forth, to having the current story be told in parts parallel to another being told in the past. In this way, a present-time story can move forward, while hiding things that have happened in the past - this kind of pseudo-deception to the reader makes the plot far more involving than, say, writing it in a completely linear fashion. It’s in that kind of elementary writing fashion where stories tend to lose steam, both by the writer, and the reader’s passion for following it through. As this story stands, I think it’s a unique writing style that keeps me interested the whole way through. I do see your point about how flashbacks have to be used effectively, save they detract from the current experience, but the whole point of a fanfic is to tell a unified story; flashbacks are no less important than present-tense writing to the plot, and a flashback need not be made present-tense to be important or followable.

I simply don’t want to see the style that this fanfic has been going change… it’s one of the few unique ones I’ve really ever seen. Keep up the amazing work, Elysial.

46

I can perfectly understand that. I adore fics that stray across multiple time periods and require thought to follow. I just think it’s best to be wary of massive, massive flashbacks - significant ones like these extremely well written ones could possibly be more fluidly integrated, or become the main story themselves.

But I’m not faulting your writing, Elysial :slight_smile: It’s an extremely good fic and I look forward to reading more, my fussy preferences aside ^^;

47

Nice bit of interaction from the baby there! :slight_smile: And it’s cute watching Rinoa dress Squall.

And GG Crono, he’s probably complaining because he doesn’t want to wind up late for work! ^_~

As for the flashbacks, I tend to think of them as the ‘main’ story, with the present as glimpses of the future. That will, of course, change when the flashbacks catch up. But I really like how the story is being written, as the ‘past’ and ‘present’ seem intertwined with thougths from the present relating to the previous and next flashbacks, most of the time.

Don’t feel obligated to answer my obnoxious questions about plot points, Elysial! If it’s going to show up later, just tell me to wait and see. :slight_smile: It’s usually just me pointing out questions that I’m looking forward to finding out the answers to later, anyways.

I’m looking forward to the next flashback!

48

Okay, just caught up in my reading. I’m getting a little kick out of imagining how the characters are feeling when you describe the sweltering heat, because it’s 90 F (32 C) and muggy right now here (no exageration, I checked the thermometer in the kitchen). The story is interesting, and you keep feeding us little hints. The only complaint I have is that the flashbacks feel a little awkward. I’m not sure how, and I’m sorry that I can’t suggest what I think would make it better, but there’s something about them that just doesn’t quite fit.

Keep up the good work.