My first go at a fanfic... Um...

The Core Media Forum
21

WOW =D Jade thanks for all the feedback! I’ll try and answer it as best I can. Here goes:

“Someone else mentioned that the flashbacks were long, and you said that that’s because you’re doing this in a style sort of like FFX. So far the ‘present’ scenes are shorter than the ‘past’ scenes, so you might want to consider switching which ones are in italics until the story catches up with the present. I don’t know about others, but I find italics a bit harder on the eyes than normal font, so if the ‘present’ scenes are going to continue to be shorter it might be an option to look into.”
– I’ll consider that =) I realize they are harder on the eyes, but I guess it’s just stuck with me that most ‘flashbacks’ in almost every genre are done in italics! Unfortunately old habits die hard ::dekar!::

“Also, immediately after they left the bar, you described Rinoa fanning herself choosing “the possibility of a cooling breeze to the surety of looking like a fool”. I believe choosing breeze ‘over’ looking a fool would fit better than ‘to’ looking a fool, although I don’t believe the other is wrong. It’s probably just a matter of personal preference.”
–Thanks for catching that, I’ve fixed it on my end =)

“When the dragon first attacked, you described Zell dodging with ‘surprising’ agility. Why would it be surprising? Wouldn’t his friends know how fast he was? Perhaps ‘amazing’ or something similar might fit better.”
– Again, thank you. I wasn’t sure how that one was going to fit and it’s been nagging at me to fix it. I’ve re-worded it =)

“During the fight scene, you described Rinoa casting an ice spell on the Ruby Dragon. I loved your description of her casting pose, and the result of the spell, but I can’t help but wonder why the guys didn’t charge the dragon before the spell failed. Was it too far away, or did the spell happen too fast? I’m not quite sure… I’ve always been bad at picturing spatial/temporal details for this kind of thing…”
–I’m not sure… they never told ME why they waited. Perhaps it’s an homage to the age-old FF RPG battle sequence :wink: Or perhaps they were simply not wishing to get in her way. I think they didn’t want to intrude on her ‘turn’ so as to make her feel like she couldn’t do it by herself.

“I find it hard to believe that Squall would waste space with an empty bottle, especially knowing how vital it is to find the right potion fast in a battle situation. Perhaps finding that the bottle had cracked and leaked the contents out? I realize you need to delay Squall from healing for dramatic purposes (which I eagerly await the revelation of!)”
–I fixed that and made it so the bottle had cracked. You’re right, I doubt he would waste the space; he’s too practical for that. He had to be delayed from healing her long enough that I could bring Bahamut into the picture to give her a hand.

“…The only things that I found deterred from this, were her near-phobia of the doctor and her omission of Seifer being in her dream from her report. Is this here for a plot-reason for either of these? Is her fear a quirk you added to give her more character? As for her omission, has Squall proven to be jealous? She could easily explain how she wasn’t a willing participant in the dream. I just have to admit that I didn’t find these two reactions of hers to be very plausible.”
–Well, it may not be in Rinoa’s character to be wary of the good doctor, but it’s in nearly every female’s character to go squeamish at the mention of a “complete physical”. Her first trip down a long… er… gynaeocological (?) road would be memorable. She’ll get used to it later, with routine check-ups. As for her ‘dream’ she chose to omit it under the fear that Squall would be jealous. They’d had a hard day already and she didn’t want to make it worse. It does serve a point as well… you’ll see :wink:

"Just out of curiosity, how are you portraying the Knight? Are you just using it as another way to describe Squall, as he always looks out for Rinoa, or are you doing the whole ‘Knight Bond’ thing? And if anyone can tell me if the ‘Knight Bond’ was actually in the game, I’d be grateful, 'cause I keep seeing it, but I don’t remember it… "
– It plays a HUUUUGE part in my story, but I don’t think so much in the game… I can’t remember.

“I found it extremely ironic that they sent the Ruby Dragon shaped airship to pick them up after being attacked by a Ruby Dragon. Did you do that on purpose? :)”
–Actually I didn’t lol. Thanks for pointing it out though. Now I can say I knew and did it on purpose :wink:

So thanks to all that have been reading and commenting. You guys are giving me a great boost and it really makes me want to keep on writing =)

Ashbear I LOVE your fanfics… I’m not even kidding, I’m obsessed. It’s dangerous. Your writing style makes me envious :hyperven:
Also, thanks for the info on Angelo! It will come in handy later on :slight_smile: As well… no I didn’t think Adel was female. (S)he looked a bit… big, and seemed to be lacking female attributes…
Oh yes, and whatever information you have handy, please supply me with. I’ll be in your debt forever. I’m going on what I learned playing throug the game, reading some stuff. It’s not a heck of a lot, so any additional info is more than welcome!

Weiila, thanks for poking your head in and commenting, I appreciate the vote of confidence :kissy:

Thanks again all!
(Another section of story will follow this post)

22

I can’t wait to see the comments about this :wink:
PLEASE crit me on this one… I’m not sure I’m doing it ‘right’, you know?
Here’s the first part of chapter 2:

Back inside the room, the heat was beginning to rise and Squall could see signs of discomfort in Rinoa. She would wake up shortly. He sighed and walked into the kitchen to make her tea and to get himself some coffee. He hear her groan, and glanced towards the bedroom, face full of sympathy.

It hadn’t been easy for either of them since she’d started to show, but it had been far worse for her. She was never allowed out of Staff quarters in case there was some unidentified person lurking in the hallways. Everyone allowed in had to be carefully screened and watched.

She passed her days in company with the Sorceress “team” well enough, enjoying the extra attention lavished upon her, but he knew she wished to get outside. As it was, the farthest she could go was out on the balcony, and even then only when Garden was in transit. Squall tried his best to keep her mind occupied by bringing her small tidbits and treasures from wherever he went.

So far, keeping her hidden had worked. No one outside the privy few knew. The only response anyone in the general public who had asked had gotten, was a blank-faced reply from her Knight stating that she was ill, and recieving the best of care.

The care part was true. Whenever the SeeDs were in Garden, they would fuss over her, entertain her, get her things… whatever she desired. Rinoa had given up the protest that she didn’t need anything, and submitted with some grace to the show of affection. Squall was pleased about this, and he knew that his Lieutenants would lay their lives on the line for his Sorceress, and for his yet-unborn daughter.

There was a soft knock at the door, and Squall went to answer it quickly, briefly checking on Rinoa before pressing the button that slid the door back.

“Oh, sorry,” came the husky voice. “I didn’t know she’d still be asleep. I thought she’d been having trouble lately?”

Squall stepped outside the door, coffee in hand, and closed it again, locking it from the outside with his keycard. He took a sip of coffee, not sure whether to be annoyed at Seifer’s assumption on Rinoa’s sleeping habits, or appreciative of the attention he was showing. He decided that some middle ground would be appropriate, and then got cross with himself. Seifer was only asking, afterall.

“The heat,” he said shortly. “Mornings are the best time for her to sleep, but I have a feeling she’ll be waking up soon anyway.” He sighed, and Seifer looked closely at the dark circles under the commander’s eyes, and gave the shorter man a half-smile.

“It’ll be over soon,” he offered lamely. After all, it would. She was more than eight months gone at this point.
Squall glanced at him with a jaundiced look on his face.

“I have a feeling the sleepless nights wont be ending anytime soon, for any of us in this wing.” Squall gestured with his coffee down the hallway, then smiled wickedly at Seifer. “She’ll be keeping all of you up all night.”

Seifer laughed quietly, then turned and walked towards his room, motioning for Squall to follow.

“Come on dad, Quistis would love to make you breakfast.”

23

Thanks for the support, everyone! It made me feel a lot more comfortable. :slight_smile: And I appreciate the clarification on Angelo and the Knight-Bond, Ashbear! And all the other neat info you had there as well!

I really enjoyed this last part, Elysial! There seemed to be a lot crammed into it, despite it being a short scene! Here’s a few more comments on it!

The plot thickens! Veeery curious about Seifer’s appearance, and his status at Garden. I’m looking forward to seeing more about that! I’m also curious as to why they don’t want people to know that Rinoa’s pregnant. Are they afraid of someone trying to attack her while she’s weakened?

I really like the character interactions here! The attention that Squall pays towards Rinoa is really touching. And seeing how the group looks after one of their own was also very sweet. There was really a sense of family at the end, too, when Squall mentions how they’ll all be losing sleep once the baby comes.

Oooh! So we know it’s a girl now! Neat!

When Seifer arrived, you had him knock on the door. I’ve always pictured Garden having a chime/intercom system (sorta like on Star Trek) to go along with the sliding metal doors. I guess this is just something of a personal view I’d thought I’d share.

I’m not quite sure what to make of Seifer’s attitude. It’s very contrary to what we see in the game, but then we also have to factor in that he did date Rinoa at one point, and there has also been a lot of time missing since we last saw him for any length of time.

He took a sip of coffee, not sure whether to be annoyed at Seifer’s assumption on Rinoa’s sleeping habits, or appreciative of the attention he was showing. He decided that some middle ground would be appropriate, and then got cross with himself. Seifer was only asking, afterall.

I’d almost say that’s a Squall-ish form a jealousy! Now I really want to see what goes on between these guys when Seifer’s re-introduced to the group! Thanks for another wonderful part!

24

AAK they stole my internet!
Sorry, no more postings until my cable modem gets here in a few days =(
I’ll put something up asap!

25

OOOOOOOOKAY. Got the internet back. Here’s the second section of chapter 2.
looks around
I hope someone’s still reading this.

[i]They had been fighting for three solid days about this. Squall had a constant headache, and right now, it’s name was Rinoa.

He lit yet another cigarette and stared moodily out at the darkening sky from his balcony. He didn’t care. Well, not that he didn’t care, he just saw everything in a practical light. It would be terrible, if it were to happen. And besides, he didn’t want a child just yet.

“Just yet. No, maybe not just yet, but someday! And now we can’t!” Rinoa’s words echoed in his head. She had screeched and yelled and thrown things, including a very impressive right hook that had connected with his ribcage. Of course it had also resulted in her being face down on the bed with her arm behind her back. Needless to say, after that she’d left the room, and hadn’t spoken to him since.

He remembered clearly the soft tap on his door, signalling that she was back from the doctor’s. At least he’d hoped it was her, because it was well after curfew and if it was anyone else, there was trouble. He got up from his bed and walked to the door, shrugging the soreness out of his shoulders. He hadn’t even showered yet, afraid that she would show up while he was in there.

The door had slid open, and Squall had only managed to catch a glimpse of her teary face before she had flung herself into his arms, sobbing. He had been startled, but his arms had closed around her automatically, and he had stroked her hair.

“What’s wrong?” He’d asked her.

Her response had been so muffled that he had had to ask her to repeat it several times, until she had finally pushed herself away from him, almost angrily.

“Not only was that the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever had to go through, I got a pile of great fucking news to go with it!” Rinoa had been simultaneously yelling and trying to keep her voice down, and her words had passed through her lips as more of a hiss. Squall had been startled by the venom in her voice, and had become angry, assuming it had been directed toward himself.

He’d looked down at her coldly, holding her by her shoulders at a distance.

“Calm down,” he’d said, almost as though he’d been issuing a command. Rinoa had glared at him, tears still cascading down her cheeks.

“Calm down?!” His Sorceress had spat his words right back at him, pulling free from his grip. “I’ve just had my insides poked and prodded by someone I hardly know, who then tells me that she’s “terribly sorry”, but I’ll never be able to… to…” Rinoa had been gasping for air at this point, and paused for a moment to catch her breath before continuing.

“To what?” Squall had asked gently, though he was fairly sure he knew the answer.

“Have a child.” Rinoa said, flatly. Her cheeks had still been wet.

Squall fished around in his pocket and came up with the package for cigarettes. He pulled out a new one, lighting it off the old which he then flicked over the balcony. He stared at it until it disappeared. He regretted telling Rinoa that he was relieved that she couldn’t conceive. He was, very much so, but telling her that may not have been the best idea. At the least, it would have helped him avoid that right hook.

His hair blew into his eyes again, but he made no move to push it back. Instead he hunched his shoulders, pulling in on himself. The thought of Rinoa sitting in her room by herself made him ill, but for some reason he couldn’t bring himself to go see her. Was it his pride? Possibly. Was he scared of her? Probably. A bad combination no matter how you look at it. He didn’t know why he was so scared. He knew she couldn’t physically harm him, though he had no doubts that she might continue to try. He was scared because… Because she was so upset? No. Was he honestly that relieved that there would be no children in his life, ever? No, he wasn’t relieved about that. He was relieved that it wouldn’t have taken place right away.

Hating himself, Squall left his room and walked down the empty hallway to the Guest wing. His pride made him almost turn back several times, but he persisted, at the same time trying to avoid being seen. It was late, and the last thing he needed was a cadet blathering that he’d been seen after curfew near the Sorceress’s room.

He paused outside her door. She didn’t have a nameplate yet, just a number. A permanent room was being readied for her in the Staff wing, as far as possible from Squall’s small apartment.

Rinoa was in the bathroom, staring at her toes on the cold tile floor. The garbage was piled high with wadded balls of toilet paper, and a few more crumpled pieces were clenched in one hand. She sniffled fiercely, putting her fingers to her temples and rubbing lightly in an attempt to relieve her pounding headache. She shook the aspirin bottle forlornly, wishing there was a rattle inside. Like hell she was going back to see Dr. Kadowaki after all this.

She wiped her eyes again, flinching as the tissue scraped across raw skin. She stood up shakily, determined to at least get to the bed before she burst into tears again. Rinoa wasn’t even sure what it was that made her angrier… The fact that Squall was still conscious somewhere, or the fact that he wasn’t there with her. She collapsed into the bed head first, burying her face into a pillow.

A stealthy noise brought her upright a moment later and she stared at the door, wishing it were transparent. Oh please let it… not? Be him? Let it be him… She gritted her teeth and stared at the wooden door. Then, quietly, she heard a clicking noise as the lock to her room automatically sprang, and the door slid back into the wall.

It was a greivous abuse of power, he knew, but he had been so afraid that she wouldn’t answer the door that he’d done it anyway. Her room was dark, but he could see her sitting on the bed in the light coming through the doorway. He turned and closed the door, then took a couple of steps towards her.

“Rin,” he swallowed. Why was this so hard? “I… I’m sorry Rin…”

Rinoa looked at him, straining to make out his features in the dark. She didn’t say anything yet, but she could notice the slight frown on his face and the tension in his jaw. She leaned forward, wrapping her arms around her knees. She wanted to forgive him… to take him in her arms and tell him that everything was alright, and that it always would be… but she couldn’t; not just yet.

Squall fidgeted in the silence, but took it as a sign to continue.

“I didn’t mean it… I really didn’t,” he blurted. “I just thought maybe farther down the road, but you’re right, and it can’t and I’m so sorry…” Squall felt his cheeks flame as he babbled on, and he turned towards the door feeling like a fool. He had almost reached it when a soft hand descended on his back.

“I know how hard it was for you to say that,” She whispered, “and I promise that everything will be okay. It’s not the most important thing in my life now.”

Squall turned slowly to face her, then pulled her to him.

“So what’s the most important thing in your life?” He asked daringly. Rinoa didn’t reply. She kissed him instead.

This was not one of the gentle kisses they had shared up until this point, and Squall was taken aback. Rinoa felt him withdraw slightly and pulled away, embarassed.

“I-I’m sorry,” she stammered. “I didn’t mean–” Her voice was cut off as Squall kissed her back, surprising both of them. He fought with himself as he kissed her, knowing he shouldn’t be doing it. He should be leaving and going back to his room… but she felt so damn good.

Rinoa was surprised at his response. She’d half expected him to regretfully push her off and tell her he had to get back to his own room. Instead, his hand was resting on the nape of her neck, pulling her closer. She bit his lip gently, and heard him groan softly, his breath like silk on her skin. Her hands worked their way delicately up his sides underneath his shirt, sliding across his back.

He could feel the muscles in his back twitching as her nails scraped lightly across them. He shivered, and he could hear her breath in his ear, like music. He shook his head and pushed her back slightly, meaning to regain his composure. He really shouldn’t be here, doing this… but there was no denying the fact that he wanted to.

Rinoa looked up at him, dark eyes searching his face.

“Squall,” she whispered, almost pleading. He looked down at her and saw something in her face that made him close his eyes and throw his worries out the door. He siezed her, one hand tangled in her hair and the other wrapped around her lower back and kissed her again.

Rinoa revelled in the feeling of his body pressed up against hers, and slid her hands under his shirt and up his chest, bringing the fabric with her. He tensed momentarily as she pulled it over her head, then relaxed and wrapped her in his arms around her, swinging her with him as he fell backwards onto the bed.

That night, he could have sworn he saw her wings, faintly shimmering in the dark. As he watched her, they flexed to their full length, spanning across the entire room. Then they retracted, folding in on themselves and settling comfortably on her bare back, before blinking out of existence.
[/i]

26

…oookay, something reeeally interesting definately happens between “then” and “now”, and dammit, I want to know what it is! Damn you and your gripping plot!

27

I must say, I love your opening line! :slight_smile: And it’s good to see that dear old Squall still has a lot to learn about social relationships. At least he seems to have been hit with the clue brick this chapter, even if it did take him three days.

Rinoa seems to get her test results back immediately, from what I can tell. I guess with spells like Scan they’re able to get immediate reports rather than waiting. Rinoa’s reaction to the news was good! Switching between anger and sadness seems quite plausible after receiving this type of news.

You switched back and forth between Squall’s and Rinoa’s point of view a couple of times, but there was nothing to indicate the change which can be a bit confusing. For example, at first I thought Squall was already in Rinoa’s room when you described her in the bathroom. The switch back to Squall wasn’t quite so confusing, but it might help if you used some scene dividers or something when you switch points of view, just to give the readers a heads up.

The last bit was interesting! I can’t help but wonder if Rinoa’s Sorceress powers are going to wind up helping her conceive her child. Like GG Crono said, it’s going to be veeery interesting to see what’s going on here! I can’t wait to see the next bit! :slight_smile:

28

I really don’t have anything to add to JadeDixon’s post except MORE, DAMMIT! MORE! :wink: New, gripping FF8 fanfiction is so hard to come by nowadays.

29

Neeext please…
Yeah it is kind of confusing in that scene, especially because it’s a long one (but the longest flashback yet is still to come). Any suggestions for how to divide it?

Quistis turned as the door opened, hoping that Seifer had managed to bring both of them back for breakfast, but it was only Squall. Nonetheless, she greeted him with a quick hug, and motioned him to a place at the small table. The “shared” staff quarters at Garden were not that big; with the door opening right into the bedroom, and the bathroom, kitchen, and closets off to the left and right.

Squall smiled his thanks and sat down beside Seifer, who shoved a carafe of orange juice in his direction.

“How’s it going?” Quistis asked, turning back to the small stove. She impatiently brushed her hair out of her face, not having pinned it up for the day yet. Squall shrugged.

“Not bad I suppose… The heat makes it terrible for both of us. I wish the weather would let up.”

Quistis nodded, and placed some eggs on the plate in front of him. He looked beat, and worried, but she couldn’t blame him.

“Only two more weeks?” She asked. “Time certainly has flown.”

Squall crammed a piece of toast in his mouth and swallowed it before speaking.

“Edea isn’t happy at all.” He ignored Quistis’ previous comment. “I think she’s really disappointed in us actually.” his annoyance was obvious from the tone of his voice. “It’s funny, because the way she sees it… is like we were two irresponsible teenagers… Which by definition perhaps we were,” he shrugged. “But to her it’s like… It was never supposed to happen, even though it was.”

30

When I want to do scene shifts, I just throw in a space and a couple of symbols, like say…


===

Or something.
31

Alrighty. The third to last flashback… I think… maybe.
I changed the other section and divided up the scenes a bit more so they’re easier to follow. :kissy:

[i]They had gotten into the habit of spending the night together, in one or the other room. Squall was addicted to her. Her smell, her taste, the way she looked at him, her laugh… He shook his head slightly, bringing himself farther into awareness and reached across the small bed, hungry for the touch of her skin.

Confused, he sat upright as his hands met only with sheets. They were still warm from her body, so she hadn’t been gone long. He looked around the small room in the dim light and noticed a light coming from underneath the bathroom door. He relaxed and laid back down, one hand behind his head.

Shortly, the door swung open and Rinoa walked out, hair in a snarl, long t-shirt covering her body. She looked very pale, and sweat shone on her brow. Squall swung his feet out of bed in alarm, but she flapped her hand weakly, motioning him back into the bed.

“I’m okay,” she said in a scratchy voice. “Just a stomach bug I think. You should be careful, you don’t want to catch it,” Rinoa warned him, before sitting down heavily on the edge of the bed. Slowly the color began to come back to her face, and several moments later, she opened her eyes and looked at him. Dark blue eyes met hers, full of concern. She pushed him slightly, smiling.

“Go on, I’m fine now. Get dressed, it’s nearly seven.”

Rinoa stood up and stretched, then picked up his shirt and tossed it to him.
[/i]

32

The last two scenes have been short, but interesting!

I really liked the homey feel you had in the breakfast scene! It showed some of the current dynamics between the characters that will be interesting to see developed in the past. I’m a bit surprised that Edea would feel disappointed in them, after all, wouldn’t she know that they hadn’t expected to be able to have a child? Or maybe it’s a bit of jealousy that she was never able to have any of her own children?

Morning sickness! It’s funny, because if Rinoa hadn’t been told that she would never be able to have children, that probably would have been her own first thought. It’ll be interesting to see how she takes the news! But it was nice to see how Squall’s attachment to her is growing as their relationship develops more.

Eagerly awaits the next parts

33

Okay next section for those of you still following. Suggestions are still welcome :wink:
Enjoy! I have three fishtanks and forty-odd fishbowls to clean… :kissy:

Jade, all that your’e questioning will soon be explained tries to sound mysterious and fails miserably
Keep reading :wink:

Rinoa woke up slowly this time, groggily rubbing her eyes for a few moments before opening them. She couldn’t see Squall anywhere, but there was a steaming cup of tea on the night table beside her, and she could smell his coffee. He had gotten remarkably adept at sneaking around without waking her up.

She sat up slowly, propping herself up with several pillows, and then reached for the tea. Absurd that she would crave hot tea on yet another sweltering morning such as this one, but she always did.

Angelo’s nose poked around the corner of the bed, and Rinoa motioned her closer with one hand. Squall was adamant about dog hair in the linens, so she contented herself with scratching the dog behind the ears, gently pushing the animal back whenever she tried to make a leap for the top of the bed.

After a few minutes she decided to get up, and slowly maneuvered herself out of bed. She sighed. She was only wearing light shorts, and still it was too hot. Unfortunately, she couldn’t go around parading her breasts as well as her belly, so she opened the closet and pulled out a pale blue cotton shirt that buttoned up the front. She did up the top three buttons, and then let the rest hang open.

“I feel like a terrible slob,” Rinoa said to Angelo as she pulled her hair back from her face. The dog merely looked up at her, tongue hanging out and tail wagging. “But it’s just too damn hot!” Rinoa was frustrated, and she stepped outside onto the balcony with her tea to see if there was any breeze to help her out.

There was a small cool breeze coming off the water as Garden floated serenely over the ocean, and Rinoa closed her eyes and enjoyed it for several minutes. So much so infact, that she didn’t hear the door open behind her, and was startled when Squall touched her lightly. Her eyes popped open and she turned to face him, hugging him as close to her as her giant belly would allow. Squall kissed her on the forehead and then straightened up, resting his chin on the top of her head.

“How are you feeling today?” He asked her. It was always the first thing he said to her in the morning.

“Truthfully?” Rinoa raised one dark eyebrow, smiling slightly. “I feel like if someone were to take a sharp object to me I’d pop. But other than that, I’m fine.”

Squall laughed softly.

“Not long now… And then the real work begins.” He said, giving her a small smile. Then he changed the subject to a rather delicate one. “Would you like something to eat?” He asked, somewhat afraid of the answer. She hadn’t had much luck with breakfast for the duration of her pregnancy. This morning was no different he guessed, as she shook her head almost violently.

“No, I definitely do not.” She said firmly. Squall nodded and changed the subject again, to something as far away from the topic of food as he could manage.

“There are state visitors here today…” He gave her a very sympathetic look, and she sighed, knowing what was coming. “So don’t go out of the room at all, and only open the door if it’s one of us. Otherwise keep it locked.”

Rinoa nodded, sitting down on the bed.

“I wish I were only a few months gone again,” she said wistfully. “At least I could go outside.” She smiled, remembering. No one had known… not even her for several months. Until the diagnosis from Dr. Kadowaki, the thought simply hadn’t crossed her mind, or she might have realized sooner.

“I don’t,” Squall said with emphasis, giving her a glare that she privately called his ‘Commander’s Eye’. It was designed to send Junior Classmen, Cadets, and occasionally his own Lieutenents running for cover, but it never worked on her. She glared right back, and Squall continued. “I didn’t even know. You didn’t even know. Thank Hyne the general public didn’t know, or that night would have much worse.”

34

For a first try at fanfiction, your writing style is very developed. I sucked for quite some time before I wrote anything worth reading. This is somewhat presumptous, since it’s entirely possible I still haven’t. You, on the other hand, have a fine story in the works. Good job.

35

So that you know I’ve just started reading this and so my comments are going to be a bit behind. chews on lower lip sorry…

Almost everything that I noticed has been brought up already so I’ll just stick to two simple ones. (Feel free to disregard anything that I say smiles)

  1. The opening to the first chapter seems a bit rough. You know how when you start a fic it takes a while to establish your style, well, the first few lines could use a slight touch up.

  2. On the second part you had him getting the sheets and the shorts from the fridge when he put them in the freezer.

Like I said, they are just small things. smiles Now it’s time for me to continue reading since I am waaaay behind. hugs Keep up the good work.

Ok, I’ve read more and have noticed a couple rough spots/mistakes…

? You wrote The dragon was excited, and very confident, do you think you could either condence it or change the phrasing a little? It sounds a little odd.

Also in the next sentence would it sound better as slashed back with the Lionheart in retaliation instead of at it? In the same sentence wrote is instead of it.

The double negative further in that paragraph could be changed from wouldn’t have been happier to would have been.

The phrase ‘the Lion saw it coming’ sounds strange.

Te dragon was reaching for Rinoa when Squall stabbed it. Then it has to charge towards her? Why has the distance changed?

At the part where you say Rinoa’s consciousness… It could be phrased Rinoa blinked in and out of consciousness several times…
and in the dream where she’s describing the darkness it might sound better like this? The darkness seemed a being that lived and breathed.

Bells rang in her ears not hears.

When she comes back to consciousness Squalls arms are already around her yet you have him wrapping his arms around her?

There are two typos before the next section. that and peopwlling.

You might want to change the order of the last part in this sentence. He lit a cigarette and looked down towards the ground, moving slowly by far below.

Chapter 2… Yay!!!

1 typo, 1 re-phrase, 2 extra words, and 1 needed word.

hear=heard in the first paragraph.

In the fourth paragraph the sentence, No one outside the privy few knew sounds a little off… At least to me.

Close to the end of the flashback when they have their first moment. It’s either: then relaxed and wrapped his arms around her or then relaxed and wrapped her in his arms

Last one on the last sentence… add the word been between have and much.

sighs Thanks for your time and hopefully next time I will try and keep updated so this doesn’t happen again. Nothing I write has to be payed attention to in any way. smiles They are just suggestions and things that I noticed.

I can’t wait to read more, and for some reason I feel like the baby is Seifers… I don’t know how but I feel that way. sighs Yes I am all for aucward story lines and angst…

36

Actually, having a hot drink on a hot day can balance out the body’s inner and outer temperatures so that the heat doesn’t seem so oppressive. This is what my Mom told me years ago when I asked her why she drank tea at the height of summer. Whether it works or not, I’ve never been able to tell, but it could be a reason why Rinoa craves the hot drink. :slight_smile:

It was nice to see some of the quirks in their relationship, like Squall not liking dog hair in the bed, and always being able to sneak out in the morning. But I’m sure Squall wouldn’t mind her parading her breasts around. I guess it’s just in case someone else come by. :wink:

Oooh! ‘That night’, huh? Looking forward to finding out what happened there! :slight_smile: Excellent work, as usual! Looking forward to seeing what happens next!

37

…oh, sorry, I wasn’t listening. You lost me around the time you started mentioning Rinoa’s breasts. >_>;

is stoned to death by a mob of angry women

38

Evanjeline; Holy Crap lol, thank you. I made a lot of mistakes. I could have sworn I checked it too… Okay, lets see here…

“1. The opening to the first chapter seems a bit rough. You know how when you start a fic it takes a while to establish your style, well, the first few lines could use a slight touch up.”
— How so? You’ll have to be a bit more specific with me on this one.

“2. On the second part you had him getting the sheets and the shorts from the fridge when he put them in the freezer.”
— Oops, thanks! Fixed it.

“You wrote The dragon was excited, and very confident, do you think you could either condence it or change the phrasing a little? It sounds a little odd.”
— I fixed that and turned it into two different sentences.

“Also in the next sentence would it sound better as slashed back with the Lionheart in retaliation instead of at it? In the same sentence wrote is instead of it.”
— You lost me… Oh no never mind, got it. Yup, you’re right, that does sound better. Fixed the typo as well =)

“The double negative further in that paragraph could be changed from wouldn’t have been happier to would have been.”
— Changed it to “and would have been ecstatic if she’d never had to see one again.”

“The phrase ‘the Lion saw it coming’ sounds strange.”
— It does. Changed it to “Squall”. I’m just trying not to overuse his name.

“Te dragon was reaching for Rinoa when Squall stabbed it. Then it has to charge towards her? Why has the distance changed?”
— If the paragraph you’re talking about is this one (“It rushed for Rinoa this time, nearly knocking Squall off his feet. The Knight took the momentary distraction as an opportunity to gain access to the creature’s vulnerable areas. It reached for Rinoa just as Squall plunged the Lionheart …”) It’s running for her first because she was behind Squall to begin with, and has stayed back. It needs to get to her before it can reach out.

“At the part where you say Rinoa’s consciousness… It could be phrased Rinoa blinked in and out of consciousness several times…”
— I changed the entire structure of that sentence. It sounded kinda funny the way I had it.

“and in the dream where she’s describing the darkness it might sound better like this? The darkness seemed a being that lived and breathed.”
— This is probably the only one I’m going to be stubborn about and leave as it is.

“Bells rang in her ears not hears.”
— Heheh… ahh the amusing typos that come up at 4 a.m. when you’re trying to get through a scene… Thanks :wink:

“When she comes back to consciousness Squalls arms are already around her yet you have him wrapping his arms around her?”
— lol. Thanks for catching this one as well. Unless I gave him another set of arms…

“There are two typos before the next section. that and peopwlling.”
— laughs at self Ahhh that’s funny. Thanks again! Fixed it on my end.

“You might want to change the order of the last part in this sentence. He lit a cigarette and looked down towards the ground, moving slowly by far below.”
— I tweaked the order and the grammar.

“1 typo, 1 re-phrase, 2 extra words, and 1 needed word.”
— Danke =)

“In the fourth paragraph the sentence, No one outside the privy few knew sounds a little off… At least to me.”
— Yeah it makes little to no sense, even to me. Fixed it lol.

“Close to the end of the flashback when they have their first moment. It’s either: then relaxed and wrapped his arms around her or then relaxed and wrapped her in his arms”
— Another one of those early morning things. Thanks =)

“Last one on the last sentence… add the word been between have and much.”
— Thanks again =)

“I can’t wait to read more, and for some reason I feel like the baby is Seifers… I don’t know how but I feel that way. sighs Yes I am all for aucward story lines and angst…”
— Oy vay… Well at the risk of being a spoiler… sort of… No, it’s definitely Squall’s. Seifer serves a different sort of purpose as you’ll see in the next excerpt. However, he doesn’t play a major part in the story after that.

Jade, I’m glad you like it so much, and thanks for the info about the tea; I had no idea =)

Throws stones at GG Oh, wait, I can’t do that, I wrote the bloody part in! Watch it; I have a feeling Squall’d kill you if he found out you were ogling his girl’s boobies.

Caleb; thanks for reading, and thanks for the comments. I’m glad you like it, and hopefully you still will later on down the road :kissy:

Thanks a million everyone! New section to follow =)

39

Okay everyone… This is the HUGEST flashback in the story, and we’re getting close to catching up now.

I’m not sure about this section… Comments on EVERYTHING are welcome, from style to grammar to storyline. I’m open to it all =D

[i]The day hadn’t been going well at all, and this was just another event to add to the pile. Squall was very angry.

Rinoa sat off to the side. She was starving, but decided against asking the angry commander for some food. He was busy wrestling with the car.

“Stupid thing,” he muttered to himself. He couldn’t understand for the life of him why Garden kept its vehicles in such bad repair. “Cid’s gonna hear about this one,” he growled. Finally, he stood up and turned around.

“We’re going to have to walk,” he said to the girl sitting on the grass. “It’s not too terribly far…” He paused. It wasn’t really. It was just the thought that they would have to pass through Deling in order to make it back to Garden. They could possibly go around, but it would take three or four times as long, and the sun was setting already.

Rinoa got up and walked over to him. She didn’t say anything, allowing him time to think it through. She knew what was on his mind, and it weighed heavily on hers as well. The last thing she wanted to do was waltz through the streets of Deling, but she wasn’t very fond of getting lost on the way around either.

Squall weighed the risk in his mind. Of all the countries, Galbadia had been the one that had most strongly opposed the Sorceress living at Balamb Garden. Their government objected, saying that SeeD could easily ‘place her under their control’ and ‘use her for destructive purposes.’ Cid and Edea had fought a long battle in order to see Rinoa permanently installed at Garden. She had even accepted a SeeD rank, though she hadn’t wanted to.

He remembered when Cid had broached the idea to her. She had nearly flown off the handle, until the Headmaster had calmly explained his reasoning. He had already been going against Garden rules by ‘harboring her’ in Balamb Garden, and couldn’t afford to break another one. For SeeD to continue protecting her, she would technically need to continue paying them. However in the instance that she took a SeeD rank, her protection would be ensured for as long as she held the title.

“We’ll have to go through Deling,” Squall resigned himself to the decision. “But we’ll go carefully. The less we’re seen, the better.”

Rinoa nodded and fell in beside him as he turned towards home. They walked in silence for some time, and Rinoa could hear the ammunition clips on his belt jingling softly. Her stomach growled loudly, and she put a hand over it, embarassed. Squall smiled at her.

“I’m sorry Rin, I don’t have any food left. We can try and pick some up in Deling if you’re really hungry,” he said. Rinoa could sense the reluctance in his voice, and shook her head.

“No, I’ll be fine. Oh look, there’s the gates already.” She pointed. Squall nodded and looked around. There didn’t seem to be many people about, so he continued forward. He hoped that the darkness would disguise the trademark copper highlights in Rinoa’s hair.

They walked swiftly, but silently, hunched over to hide their faces. About half-way through the city, they were noticed.

“Halt!” One of the guards that patrolled Deling called to Squall. He grimaced, and decided to ignore the man, pulling Rinoa after him as he walked faster. No good. Another guard was waiting at the other end of the street. Squall glanced around swiftly, counting three more. Why were there so many?

Rinoa tried to hide her face with her hair as one of the guards shone a flashlight on her, but unfortunately her trademark haircolor came to immediate notice. The guard laughed and summoned the other four over. Rinoa sidled closer to Squall.

“Looky here,” the soldier drawled. “Turns out tonight wont be a waste of time after all. We coudln’t find the Almasy kid, but we did find the Sorceress.”

Squall stared at the armed man. The Almasy kid? Seifer was here?

“The Sorceress is under the protection of Balamb Garden.” Squall said forcefully, holding Rinoa tight. If he was lucky, they could just walk away. If not…

The soldiers laughed. They were beginning to draw a crowd, and Squall groaned inwardly, wishing he’d decided to take the long way back home.

“The Sorceress needs to come with us,” one of the soldiers said abruptly, making a grab for Rinoa’s arm. Before he could blink, the Lionheart was pressed against his chest. The crowd was increasing in size now, and was growling angrily.

“I wouldn’t do that Leonhart.” One of the other soldiers spoke. “Just let her go.” His arm was also reaching slowly towards Rinoa. Squall swung the Lionheart towards the other man, but three pairs of arms grabbed him and pulled him back, tearing him from Rinoa’s grip.

“No!” He yelled, struggling to grab her as the crowd pulled him back, pinning his arms and legs. Another soldier wrenched the Lionheart from his grasp, effectively disarming him. He carried a small pistol at his ankle, but right now it was as far away as the moon.

Rinoa kicked at her captors, landing a few solid hits. When they grabbed her legs, she scratched and bit, desperate to free herself. More and more people arrived, drawn by the struggle, and within moments Rinoa was handcuffed and immobilized.

From the shadows of a near by alleyway, another person watched the struggle. Seifer’s eyes flicked back and forth between Squall and Rinoa. He could easily make his escape while the soldiers were distracted. He didn’t know what they wanted with him exactly, but he could rest assured that whatever it was, wouldn’t be pleasant. Seifer walked slowly to the entrance of the alley, eyes on the seething mass of humanity near the center of the street.

Seifer heard Rinoa cry out in pain, and he stopped, searching for her face in the crowd. There she was, down on her knees, with her arms twisted cruelly up behind her back. He was suddenly overcome with disgust in himself. He had done enough damage to her already… How could he do more by slinking away when she needed help?

He checked Hyperion quickly, making sure everything was in working order, and before he even knew what he was doing, he took several steps out of the alley and fired off the gunblade into the air.

Squall heard the shot and tried to turn his head towards it, but he was still being held firm. The crowd went silent, turning as one; following the noise.

“I thought you were looking for me,” Seifer was grinning as he walked forward, trenchcoat swinging. The crowd parted, backing away nervously. Seifer glanced at Squall, nodding slightly, and then at Rinoa. He took a couple of small steps towards her, eyes on the soldiers who held her. “If you’re after me, then why don’t you let her go?” He asked, extending one hand in front of him. A blinding light flashed in his palm, and then a small crystal of ice appeared and began to grow.

Squall was dumbfounded that Seifer would be trying to help them, and furious with himself that he’d allowed them to be caught in the first place. He tried again to struggle forward, but the grip on his body was relentless. He watched as Seifer strode towards Rinoa, balancing the shimmering ice in his palm, juggling it with his fingers. The soldiers raised their guns.

“Stop moving Almasy or we’ll open fire!” The commander sighted down his gun, keeping the tall young man in his vision. Seifer threw back his head and laughed, tossing the ice backwards into the air, over his head. Squall was suddenly alarmed. He was summoning Shiva… but Shiva was Quistis’ responsibility. Quistis hadn’t left Garden since they had returned from their ‘hunting trip’ a few months ago. She had been too busy teaching to go on leave. How had Seifer gotten ahold of the Guardian?

“Open fire on me?” Seifer smiled like a dragon as a splintering crash sounded behind him. There was another shattering sound, and then everyone went silent. Seifer bowed and stood to the side as the woman-creature took several light steps forward. The metal ornaments in her hair clinked together softly as she tossed her head, looking contemptuously at the guards.

They stood still, staring at the Ice Queen. Her beauty was so captivating that they hardly noticed she had moved several steps closer to them. Seifer edged closer to Rinoa, prepared to yank her clear once Shiva began her attack. The Guardian raised one hand to the sky, and light began to flicker and collect about her fingertips. The crowd shuffled, and alarmed voices began to make themselves heard.

The commotion roused the soldiers out of their stupor just as a brick of ice materialized in the sky and came crashing down on the Galbadian commander, crushing him to the ground and then shattering into a thousand pieces. Bullets flew through the air at the Guardian, but she either avoided them with a lightning fast step, or simply froze them in mid air.

“Don’t worry,” Shiva’s voice was unnatural; reminiscent of ice scraping together, with high tones overlaying impossibly deep ones. She looked at the pile of ice on the street, slowly beginning to melt, then back at the soldiers. That eerie voice spoke one more time. “Don’t pity him. He was frozen before he felt the pain of death. You should hope to be so lucky.”

Shiva danced backwards as more bullets flew towards her. She avoided them easily, and small patches of ice appeared wherever her feet touched the ground. One of the soldiers released Rinoa with a shove that sent the Sorceress sprawling forward, scraping her hands along the stones. It was the exact opportunity Seifer had been waiting for, and he grabbed Rinoa around the waist, hauling her upright and putting her behind him.

“Grab my belt, and don’t let go no matter what.” He commanded her, turning back to the fight and raising Hyperion. Shiva sent one of the soldiers sailing through the air and into the side of a building with a bone-breaking crunch. and Seifer could hear her claws scraping over stone and ice as she worked her way through the small army.

Seifer turned to Squall, and motioned Rinoa to kneel down behind him. She did so obediently, cursing herself for not having a weapon, and no magic junctioned. Squall was in a murderous rage, pulling with all his might against his captors. Seifer was sympathetic, but he had business to attend to before he could explain himself.

The erstwhile Knight levelled his weapon at the head of the civilian holding Squall’s arms and glared down the length of the razor-sharp blade.

“I suggest,” Seifer said quietly, “that you let him go. I don’t really want to kill you, but I can’t say the same for the ice-creature over there.”

Squall felt the grip on his arms slacken only slightly, but it was all he needed. He grabbed the man’s arms and flung him over his shoulder and onto the ground several feet away. He stood, panting heavily, and then snaked an arm out and grabbed the Lionheart from the shaking hands of the young boy who was holding it.

Squall backed away from the crowd slowly, Lionheart held at the ready, until he reached Seifer’s side. He grabbed for Rinoa, pulling her into a tight embrace at his side. Then he turned to Seifer.

“I don’t suppose you know how we’re going to get out of town now, with the whole damned army coming after us?” Squall asked in a pleasant tone. Seifer rolled his eyes.

“I save your girl and this is what I get? Jeez, I shouldn’t have bothered.” Seifer muttered, looking left and right for an escape route. More and more soldiers were pouring into the town, and even Shiva was beginning to falter. Seifer touched a hand to his forehead, calling the Guardian back.

“Now, we run.” Seifer said quietly. “Follow me until we get out of the city.”

So they ran, following Seifer’s white coat into the dark alleys, over fences, up ladders, and onto the roofs of houses. Here they paused to catch their breath. Squall and Seifer were only slightly out of breath, but Rinoa was gasping, and she looked sickly pale. Squall gave her a reassuring squeeze.

“The gates are just there. All we have to do is get through there and then we’re home-free. Can you do that?” He asked. Seifer waved a hand, interrupting Rinoa’s answer.

“She’ll have to,” he said in a low voice. “They’re coming this way.”
[/i]

40

Interesting part! I can’t help but wonder, like Squall, what Seifer’s doing there and how he managed to get Shiva. It’ll be interesting to find out.

I don’t think it would work to give Rinoa a SeeD rank. SeeD true purpose is to hunt down Sorceresses that go mad from their power, and having a Sorceress within the institution would undermine that. Perhaps having Cid point out to the Galbadian’s that they were the ones who harboured and used the last Sorceress, and suggest that they’re probably protesting so much because they want to use this one as well. That should cause them to back off Garden’s case. It wouldn’t stop them from trying to nab her if she was in their territory though.

He carried a small pistol at his ankle, but right now it was as far away as the moon.

While I know you’re talking figuratively here, it comes out really awkward… Maybe “it was as good as if it were on the moon” ?

It was nice to see Seifer displaying a bit of a conscience when he went to help Rinoa! It probably also helped that he might still have residual feelings for her from when he dated her pre-game. And boy, does that boy know how to make an entrance! That was one of my favourite parts of this bit. That and Shiva’s summoning! Much more realistic than the ‘phasing out’ that occurs in the game.

Once Squall is freed, you described him retrieving Lionheart from a “young boy”. Would a young boy be able to lift it? Or was the kid just standing guard over it while it lay on the ground?

While I liked most of Shiva’s fight, especially her little dialogue (cold one, isn’t she? cowers in a corner), I thought it was a bit unrealistic that she would be able to dodge all of the bullets. Even adding one or two grazing her would make it better.

“I don’t suppose you know how we’re going to get out of town now, with the whole damned army coming after us?” Squall asked in a pleasant tone. Seifer rolled his eyes.

I know Squall’s being ironic, but I still can’t see him dead-panning it. Maybe having him be sarcastic, or growling it out? That’s just my personal viewpoint…

And yeah, if the Galbadian’s had known Rinoa was pregnant at this point, things would have gone downhill much faster, and been much harder to salvage. This at least answers the question on how Seifer gets back into Garden’s good books. Saving Rinoa and Squall’s gotta look mighty good. :slight_smile: Can’t wait to see what happens next!