My fanfic needs review please.

Hey, I am writing a Final Fantasy 7 Fic and I was wondering if someone could look it over. It’s not done and probably isn’t going to be for a while but some constructive critiscism would be nice. It’s kinda bloody, beware. Well, here it is…

Vincent’s Ordeal of Blood

Chapter 1
It started out a normal day for Vincent Valentine, well, as normal as can be for a thing that is not truly alive. He got up out of his coffin in the morning and went in to brush his teeth and to take a shower. This morning routine of Vincent’s always managed to startle him into a laugh, it was so normal.
After the battle with Sephiroth, in which the whole gang had barely managed to stay alive, the group split up and went their separate ways. Cloud headed off to his hometown with Tifa and they were living a happy and fulfilling life the last time Vincent saw them. Yuffie went back to Wutai with a nice helping of the lower level materia the group had. Cid went back and decided that after almost dying, he’d be nicer to Shara. The last time Vincent saw him was on the day of his wedding. Reeve lives in President Shinra’s old villa and still uses Cait Sith every once in a while to spy on the girls down on the beach. Nanaki went back to Cosmo Canyon much more mature and ready to protect it. Barret was last seen by Vincents unholy red eyes as he was helping with the restoration of Coral (after the fall of Dio from the Gold Saucer’s gondola Barret received the entire Gold Saucer and Dio’s fortune, it seems Dio was very impressed by Barrets physical strength in the arena). After finishing his morning routine Vincent left the small cottage he had built on the bluffs overlooking Rocket Town and Nibelheim and started off quickly towards the town of Cloud’s youth, moving fast because of the hard driving rain that wanted to flatten the grass and soak everything in it’s torrent.
Vincent rarely went into the village because the people were frightened of him, he with his guns and his powerful left arm, covered in the gold claw that was just one of Vincent’s many trademarks; he had exchanged the gold claw for a black one on this day. He had to go to the village today because he had received a call on a very private cell phone that is only used in case of emergencies and when someone really needed to get a hold of him in a hurry. The call had come in a week before from a nervous man who said he needed his help. He had been asked to come down to Nibelheim in a week to discuss a job that needed to be done, and done right otherwise the fate of the world may be in danger. Vincent, always the person to care about the world (and another new fight) could not refuse.
As Vincent was rushing down a beaten path towards the village, he was stopped by a group of thieves, who were quite attracted to Vincent’s metal arm and guns it seemed. This group thought Vincent stood no chance because he was pale and frail looking, with no visible strength.
“Hand over the fancy looking glove and your guns wimp!” one of the more idiotic thieves said in a rush.
“I think I’ll hold onto it thank you,” Vincent said calmly. Just the same, he reached behind him and under his cape and wrapped his right hand around the Outsider he always carried with him.
“I suppose we’ll just have to take it then, won’t we boys?” replied the obvious leader of this pitiful group of thieves.
“I suppose you will, if you can that is,” Vincent assuaged the threat of the Thief Leader with calm but his voice was also starting to show a small amount of the underlying strength within him. After that, all hell broke loose as the faltering thieves were attacked by a maddened Vincent.
First of all, he decided to take out the very rude leader of the thieves by shooting out his kneecaps with two precise shots from his Outsider, and while watching the blood spew from the large holes in his legs that had appeared in the center of the knee, he rammed his clawed left hand through the mans chest and crushed his black heart with his powerful grip. After that he quickly dispatched the other two thieves with a shot to the head each and then he hurried on his way with the liberated contents of the thieves wallets. In total it was only a measly 500 gil; it seems that the thieves were only small time bandits trying for the big score.
The nervous man who had called Vincent was from the New Age Anti-ShinRa Mafia, or NAASM. He had a right to be nervous around Vincent; he had heard what a monstrous character he was. He had been told that he would move up in the ranks of NAASM if he completed this mission, from small times spy business to higher ranked recon. When Vincent walked into the small bar that had formed on the outskirts of Nibelheim, he began to seriously wonder why such an expendable, un-important member of NAASM was sent on such an assignment with such high rewards promised. As Vincent neared his table the sallow man took in the red eyes and guns festooned on his body (along with the claw, recently wiped free of scum and blood), he knew why. It was because the members of NAASM were too smart and too afraid to go near Vincent, so they sent him.
Vincent noticed the sallow man sitting in the corner immediately. Realizing this was the person who had called him on the phone, Vincent walked straight to him and sat down. Vincent took the pitcher of beer and poured out a mug of the strong yet sweet brew that had come from Wutai and took a long drink, enjoying the refreshing drink while he could, (beer did not come easy atop a large mountain) and said, “I suppose you are the one who called me, why do you need my particular services?”
The sallow man replied with a nervous look around and he quickly produced a note from a side pocket, handed it to Vincent, and took a drink of beer to ease his jittering nerves. Vincent took the note and opened it quickly to read the contents.

Greetings Warrior,

We here at the NAASM organization, have taken notice of your skills. We would like to offer you a job; if you choose to accept you will be paid the fee of 500,000 gil for your exceptional services. This is a matter of grave importance, we need you to complete this task for us or NAASM will surely be destroyed by the forces of evil that have risen once again.
There is a new group that has risen. They call themselves ShinRa although we know that the real ShinRa faction has long since been destroyed; this rebel group has threatened to destroy NAASM.
Although they do not appear to be capable of heavily arming soldiers, we cannot touch them with the political immunity they have gained through generous donations to the restoration of the planet; that and the fact that they have heavily fortified a single headquarters where the members hardly leave. We need you to infiltrate their headquarters, retrieve the plans they have for the world and us that are stored on a computer, and assassinate their leader, the man who calls himself Rufus, although the real Rufus was confirmed dead in the blast from Weapon. Kill all who get in your way.

					Awaiting your reply,

As Vincent finished the letter the sallow man that was still sipping his beer nervously handed him a piece of paper and a pen to write his reply. The man was obviously desperate to escape the harsh and cold glare from Vincent’s eyes and get back to his precious NAASM. Since Vincent was such a caring, loving, tender person he decided to be merciful with the sallow creature and wrote his reply quickly to let the thing escape back to his head quarters. With the reply written, Vincent quickly and quietly left and made the trek back to his house on the mountain-top. 
Vincent, having prepared himself a fine, warm meal after the cold and rain of the outside, sat in front of his fireplace eating slowly. He thought about the upcoming mission he had accepted to go on, and thought deeply of his past and his friends. He was soon fast asleep in his big easy chair near the fire, dreaming of times past...

Hmm . . . this could be a good fic. But there’s something about it that really needs tweaking. Your style of writing presents it in an almost fairy tale or, dare I say it, Mr. Men kind of way - as in, telling the story, not showing it to us.

This may or may not have been intentional, but from the generally serious tone of the plot I’d say it wasn’t. Please feel free to correct me ^^

It’s also a little off with characterisation. One minute you have Vincent indifferently shooting a thief’s kneecaps, and the next you’re describing him as “a caring, loving, tender person”. It’s far too inconsistent. The best fanfics are often character-driven so work out your interpretation of Vincent in detail to help you along the way.

Mostly it just needs padding out. You cover an awful lot in a single, short chapter, and it feels a little rushed. And try to show his feelings, his actions, the events, rather than tell them. You’ll find it’ll give the fic that much more oomph :slight_smile:

Interesting start though ^^ It’ll be nice to see where you go with it.

Yes, it was a little rushed. I hurried the story out while I had the ideas in my head still and I don’t add unless I’ve got that “spark” going so it’s not worked on often. Of Vincent switching between caring and indifferent, whoops. My mistake. I’ll rectify it as soon as I get back to writing. As for the fairy tailish aspect, that was PURELY unintentional. I’m going to have to work hard on that. The fact that the story has potential at all is something that has shocked me, because I thought that I was a horrible writer for the longest time. I guess that was just a biase against myself and this will inspire me to write more. Thanks for the help!

Your story is far from horrible. You must not truly understand what horrible writing is. I might say that is mediocre though, but at the beginning of most stories there is the potential for something beautiful. Yours perhaps is a little confusing, because the tone does not seem to be set. On the one hand, you have Vincent casually slaughtering a number of idiotic thugs. On the other hand, the story begins with him waking from his coffin and going through the mundane routine of brushing his teeth; it seems slightly whimsical. Just make sure you know what you want to do with the story, or else the incosistency in tone will throw the reader.

This certainly wasn’t horrible. The inconsistancies with the characterisation probably do need sorting out though. Sitting down and actually planning each chapter in the story might help with this if you don’t already do it. That way, you know exactly what happens and what sort of tone you need to be setting to the reader.

Thanks everyone, you’ve all been a great help. I’ll be working on the characterization a lot and I’m going to start planning out my chapters. It should help me get my ideas more organized.