First, I want to say this: My English Honors class is the shit.
We had a choice of two short essays about advice to youth, and I chose Mark Twain’s “Advice to Youth”, where, once you get the hang of the old fashion dialect, it’s pretty damn funny. So everyones assignment was to rewrite one of the two (I forgot the other one. It wasn’t much interesting) into a modern tone. Well…I really “moderned” this one up, so to speak. I got a lot of inspiration from this from Papa Klump and Dennis Leary. Enjoy.
<center>Modern Advice for Today’s Youth
By
Adam Lankford</center>
I was asked by your principal to be here in front of you all today. This is mostly because the other guest speaker got his car wrecked coming down here. Damn Yankee drivers. And your principal got a touch of that plague that’s been going around. So he called me up last night and asked me to be the guest speaker instead. I asked him, “Now, I know I’ve been givinEyou some good advice all these years, especially that bit where you went up to Atlantic City for the weekend and wanted to keep it under wraps, but what am I going to say in front of all these young’uns?E He said, “Oh, I dunno. A dictation, a short story, something inspirational that’d help them in the future, something of the like.E So I’m going to take this golden opportunity to talk some sense into you young folk today. I’ve been meaning to say this to some of you for a long time, and I’m dang well going to do it.
For starters, pull up your pants. Nobody wants to see your nasty boxers. Going to the Wal-Mart ain’t safe anymore without some punk kid of someone showing his polka-damn-dot shorts off. It ain’t pretty.
Listen to your momma and daddy. You all should’ve known this by now. For those of you slow people who didn’t and still don’t, that’s why they tore your butt up with that belt of theirs. They wear it for a reason. They don’t walk around with their dang underwear flashing everybody, so neither should you! They whooped you ‘cause they love you. If they didn’t, they’d just put you to the side and just ignore you. They give a damn if you come home late. They give a damn if your grades start dropping. They give a damn if you’re in a fight at school. Why do they give a damn? Because no one else will. So be thankful.
I have learned this bit of advice in life, from years of experience: Don’t piss off people higher on the work ladder than you. Especially your boss. If he gives you lemons, just take them and quit your bitchinE Don’t even bother with making lemonade, just take the lemons. You can give them back to him later when they’re all brown and rotten. If you can’t return them, then you have to sit down and ask yourself “What the hell am I doing with some rotten-ass lemons in my hands?E So throw them away! And pull up your pants!
The five-second rule doesn’t apply everywhere. It could be the ten-second, the thirty-second, the five-minute rule, but it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is not what’s dropped on what, but where. Location, location, location. If you drop a cookie on your own floor, on your own ground, on your own carpet or whatever, that’s your own business if you pick that cookie right back up and eat it. Clean up your mess, though, or momma would come running up with a broom upside your head and start her blabbing about attracting ants and roaches and all that creepy stuff. But if you’re at a restaurant, say the Western Sizzler all-you-can-eat buffet, and you drop a cookie or something on the floor, use your common sense: Don’t pick it up! It’s not your floor; it’s not your business. It ain’t decent either. However, I don’t blame you if you start to think to yourself, between you, the cookie, and the floor, “Exactly how much do I want that cookie?E
Now, I’m sure all of you remember that rule your teachers probably nagged you on in class about “Cheaters Never Prosper.E Well, I got some news for you. They left a bit out at the end where it says “Cheaters Never Prosper: They Win!E Because, think about it folks, what exactly is prospering? Prospering is living some long and happy life, right? Do you want to live a long and happy life on some schoolwork? You win at schoolwork; you don’t prosper! So go right ahead and cheat where and when you want to. But! But know this. You can cheat as long as you don’t get caught. As soon as you get caught, that ain’t part of cheating. Cheating is doing something against the “norm,Eas some people like to call it, and getting away with it. If you get caught with your pants down, and I’ve been telling all of you to pull up your pants, the word “CheatEjust packs its bags, takes your money, drives off with your car and goes to live with the milkman. When you get caught cheating, you’ll find yourself standing knee-deep in the proverbial pile of “Bull.E So know the consequences of what you decide to do before you mess yourself.
I believe that this is all the words of wisdom I can give to ya’ll young’uns for now. I need to get back to my job at the mill, and ya’ll need to go to lunch right about this time. That’s another little piece of advice right there: Always eat your meals! It makes more sense than that old bag yammerinEon about “wearing sunscreenEand griping about being fat or whatever. And speaking of sense, use your common sense. Pull up your pants, that’s the only thing I’m really asking ya’ll to do. Ya’ll have a nice day, then.
My apologzies if this is Media-Fourm material, but I didn’t see how this is media, so…
EDIT …wtf is up with the jap symbols???
Okay, I haven’t read the original, but this version is still funny.
