I dig it. Negative emotions if not let loose with rage and cruelty…well then EVERYTHING’s painful. Then you can’t see good beautiful things without feeling the sorrow just as strongly. Kindness and mercy always makes the world both extremes at once, which is painful and harmful and makes people write poetry.
It’s a worthy subject, though. I like. The first stanza seems a bit disconnected from the rest, but it could be possible that I’m just not spending enough time thinking about it, just sort of writing an immediate response.
Not what I expected with that title… Since I am studying surrealism and all that in Lit History right now, I can only think of all the textbook pages I have to read again and again when I see this, sadly enough. -_- It’s very good, though. hands CC an apple
I don’t really understand the first stanza - it seems distanced within itself, things just don’t really seem to go together, that and I can’t make heads or tales out of any of it. “Teeth gleam like missles coming down on me” - I can’t tell if you’re talking about making out or being bitten by a vampire.
The work on the whole seems to lack any sort of architecture, most notably the fourth stanza, where you add pauses (line breaks) that, had I written it, wouldn’t find neccessary.
I think of poems as a doorway into the mind, much moreso than prose. When people think, they don’t think in paragraphs, they think in sentence fragments. Little bits of this and that all rally together to become one coherent thought. You seem to lack the coherency on the whole that adds any sort of unity between one stanza and the next.
I appreciate all the small messages that you seem to present every few lines, however they are all so distanced in meaning from one to the other that, like I said, lack any general arcitecture. Think of your poem as a house, and you’ve got the wood work all up and together, but in order for it to stay together you need nails, which you don’t have. So bit by bit it falls apart, but it still looks like a house, regardless of you missing a wall or two.
Originally posted by Sorcerer I don’t really understand the first stanza - it seems distanced within itself, things just don’t really seem to go together, that and I can’t make heads or tales out of any of it. “Teeth gleam like missles coming down on me” - I can’t tell if you’re talking about making out or being bitten by a vampire.
I really don’t understand how someone could interpret it as either ways. I thought that it was most obviously a fight, but you CAN interpret it how you want.
And the reason the imagery is so fuzzy is because of the subject matter. Think about it.
"Teeth gleam like a missile
Coming down on me "
Sorc, I’m assuming the teeth gleam LIKE a missile coming down on me, as if the teeth resemble a missile hitting it’s target. But I dunno, that’s how I see it.
Pretty good, it could make a sweet song, but it’s great by itself.
