I'm still working on this

The Core Media Forum
1

This is my first poem of this type(I usually stick to limmericks and haikus) and I need some critisism to help me get better at this style. And I am fully aware that on line four, “Live” should be “Life”.

This poem was written
By Chase Coleman

I live only to suit your needs
Everything, living or not
Pales in the presense of you
Live wouldn’t be the same
Living without you
Laughter wouldn’t feel right
Living without you
The sunrise, the sunset
Would all be worthless
Living without you
Had I never met you
Something would be missing
Had I never met you
Live wouldn’t be worth living
You make the world shine
You make laughter seem brighter
Sadness seem like nothing
Life wouldn’t
Life couldn’t
Go on without you

Your voice makes the birds
Seem to lose their beauty
Your smile
Makes flowers seem dead
And wilted
Your hair
Makes silk seem ragged
Your eyes
Make stars seem dim and useless
Your lips. oh those pretty lips
Make even earth itself
Seem like a cold, desolate world
Your hands
Make soft, silky animal fur
Seem like hard, stiff wood
Your laughter
Fills my heart with joy
Makes it seem that
There is nothing left in the
Whole entire world to fear
Your tears of sadness
Fills my heart full of bile
Fills the entire world
With sadness unending

Simply by knowing you
Makes life seem so much worth living for
Knowing you
Makes my heart fly
My stomach tighten up with
Nervousness, my eyes
Twinkle with excitement
My smile
Seem brighter than the sun
Had you never been born
My heart would be empty
My eyes lacking
The luster of one in life
My smile
Seeming such a fake, cruel thing
Had I never met you
The world would seem empty
The world would seem dead
Life wouldn’t feel the same
Loving, would be impossible
Caring, would be something to imagine
Laughter, would seem fake
And dry
Tears wouldn’t be the same
They would be fake shells
Of crying for sympathy
Of wishing
That you were there
That you could make them feel
So real and Alive

When you have to leave
Its like the world
Turns its back on me
Twisting and turning
Topsy turvy
Life screeches to a halt
Breathing
Seeing
Talking
The beat of my heart
Stop in that one instant
It feels like life
Is fleeting
That life
Is stopping
When you leave
The emptyness inside of me
Grows and grows
It becomes a black hole
Always pulling in
Never realeasing
Light blinks out
Darkness comes flying in

When you arrive
The world comes back to me
Everything is righted
The ground
No longer spinning
No longer twisting
Stablizes and calms
My heart starts beating
I can breath again
I can see again
Life returns from the stop it made
The emptyness inside of me
Begins vanishing
Until finally
It too, goes away
The great darkness
Rushes out as fast as possible
For the light
The great light
The one ray of hope
Rushes in
Destroying what darkness
Was not able to escape
When you return
Life becomes perfect
Life becomes whole again
When you arrive

I wish I could be with you
Hold you in my arms
And me, in yours
I wish I could
Stroke your hair
Touch your face
Look into your eyes
Losing myself in their swirling depths
And yet finding myself
In their mysterys
I wish I could kiss your tender lips
Hold it long and lovingly
A kiss of love
Neither forceful
Nor too soft
A true kiss
A kiss of love
I wish I could be with you always
Always be there when you need someone
To hold
To always be there when you need
To cry on someones shoulder
To always be there
When you need love
When you need someone
To assure you that everything
Is alright
That everything is going as planned
I wish
I wish
I wish…

When you are happy
I am happy
When you are sad
I am sad
When you are bored
I am bored with you
Our spirts
Are tied together
By some power
The power
Of true love
Binds us together
Never letting us be apart
Never letting us leave
The power of true love
Keeps us through our
Toughest times
Through our
Best times
The power of true love
Lets us feel each other
It lets us know each other
The power of true love
Makes it seem that
We have known each other
For all eternity
Not a short four weeks
Not four months
Not four years
But for eternity
The power of true love
Binds us to each other

2

The poem seems rather broken up, in large part do to the brevity of the individual lines. The lack of punctuatation furthers this seperation and the pauses, since one would assume a slight break after each line. The emphasis inferred by these interruptions makes the poem slightly tiring to me.

Out of curisousity, why live instead of life? Clearly you have some reason for choosing that word if you realize it’s grammatically incorrect.

Spelling: Isn’t it “emptiness”?

3

I am fully aware of some of the errors(live should be life, I copied it down the way it was, I just haven’t fixed it yet) and the fact that it is broken up…Maybe I should have said do you like it…I was planning on fixing all of the errors when I am done…

4

I’ll say one thing, THAT IS LOOOOOOOOOONG!!

Not too bad though, I think the main thing I could comment on is that I think you used the repeating ideas too many times.
Ah, I’m not good at construtive critisms, maybe someone else can be more helpful.

5

Yea, it’s long, and the point you were trying to convey you probably could have done so in a much shorter fashion. Otherwise, it’s ok.

6

Very good. It’s quite long though.