Dear Cretins:
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your
four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm
monitoring.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance
and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so
that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties – or more likely (I suspect) so that you
can have some
entertaining reading materia! l as you while away the working day smoking
BH
and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to
your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot
woman
telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the
boredom by playing
with my testicles for a few minutes – an activity at which you are
no-doubt
both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took
place
some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a
number
of vital tools – such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15
telephone
calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested
it,
and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet servers downtime is
roughly
35% – the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through
Friday, and
most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.
I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been
unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who
are,
it seems, also highly skilled bullock jugglers. I have been informed
that a
telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I
will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then
been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been
redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is
closed); that I
will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the
irritating
Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.
D! oubtless you are
no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other
dissatisfied
customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important
testicle moments to attend to.
Frankly I don’t care. It’s far more satisfying as a customer to voice
my
frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought British Telecom was
shit; that they had
attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no
one,
anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more
obstructive to
delivering service to their customers. That’s why I chose NTL, and
because,
well, there isn’t anyone else, is there? How surprised I therefore was,
when I
discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces
of distended
rectum incompetents o! f the highest order. BT – wankers though they are
shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your
seemingly
limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any
potential
future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you
have so
pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity
will be
greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be
replaced
by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat’s
litter
tray, as an _expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you
and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated
during transit – they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting,
and I
would feel consider! able disappointment if you did not experience both
their rich
aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my
feelings
towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day. May it be
the
last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and
infuriatingly
unhelpful bunch of twits.
Yay! It’s so nice and warm! 
And I thought the 8-Bit Theater open letters were good… ^^