I love it

Dear Cretins:

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance
and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties – or more likely (I suspect) so that you
can have some
entertaining reading materia! l as you while away the working day smoking
and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to
your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot
telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the
boredom by playing
with my testicles for a few minutes – an activity at which you are
both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took
some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a
of vital tools – such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15
calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested
and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet servers downtime is
35% – the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through
Friday, and
most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been
unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who
it seems, also highly skilled bullock jugglers. I have been informed
that a
telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I
will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then
been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been
redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is
closed); that I
will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the
Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.
D! oubtless you are
no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other
customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important
testicle moments to attend to.

Frankly I don’t care. It’s far more satisfying as a customer to voice
frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought British Telecom was
shit; that they had
attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no
anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more
obstructive to
delivering service to their customers. That’s why I chose NTL, and
well, there isn’t anyone else, is there? How surprised I therefore was,
when I
discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces
of distended
rectum incompetents o! f the highest order. BT – wankers though they are

shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your
limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any
future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you
have so
pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity
will be
greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be
by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat’s
tray, as an _expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
during transit – they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting,
and I
would feel consider! able disappointment if you did not experience both
their rich
aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my
towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day. May it be
last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and
unhelpful bunch of twits.

I think he’s angry. :stuck_out_tongue:

Best. Letter. Ever.

Yay! It’s so nice and warm! :slight_smile:

Wow, I assume this is English, if so then he could have got Telewest (same as us).

Meh, it wasn’t <i>that</i> funny. I got a laugh out of it though.

Heh, that ruled.

Originally posted by Valkyrie Esker
Yay! It’s so nice and warm! :slight_smile:

Yeah! :slight_smile: Maybe I’ll print it so I can read it again when I go to my room…

And I thought the 8-Bit Theater open letters were good… ^^

Sin, if you actually sent that, you are my hero.

I feel that way about my cable sometimes. Unfortunately, the only alternative is dial-up, and after tasting the speed of cable, I cannot go back!

Say… maybe we should all cut and paste this, and send it to the companies that drive us nuts.

Heh, AOL and MSN would have a few dozen trees sent to them.

Man, I dont see why you all hate AOL so much. Besides its kinda expensive.

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes – an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept

haha! thats great…

did you really send that to the company? If so, good job, someone needs to bring them down. Egotistically i mean.

Originally posted by The Wizardmaster
Man, I dont see why you all hate AOL so much. Besides its kinda expensive.
And 28.8 capped speed. And crappy service. And the fact that they assimilated ICQ…

Guys, this is a letter to a British Broadband service, and Sin lives in California. His internet isn’t that bad…

Originally posted by Frameskip
Best. Letter. Ever.

DAMN straight, NTL is easily the shittiest ISP I have ever had. I agree completely with what that guy said.

Also, while installing my broadband, those fucking idiots ended up smashing a hole that was 8 inches big through one of my walls. Never did it occur to the guy to use some other tool, like say a drill, no, he used a fucking hammer. Well I got them back, I ended up forcing them to give my mother a free 560K cable line. It’s actually quite easy to force them to compensate you in some way when you start phoning various fair trade companies and threatening legal action.

As soon as another company realeases cable in my area, I’m switching ISPs.

AOL is heavily parent regulated, it has dynamic IPs and its a propaganda machine. Those are a few reasons people hate it (dynamic ips make it so shitheads can be shit heads to sites like us and we have to ban entire domains to get rid of em, potentially affecting other users)

Originally posted by Sinistral
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.

This one deserves a sig quote :ah-ha!: :hahaha; :mwahaha: