Help Me

RPGC Community Realm of the Dragons Forum
1

I haven’t played D&D for years now due to a lack of players. So I assembled a group with some people in my city. I am the DM.

Problem is, they’re stupid. What do you do when you put the characters in a hard situation for them to figure some way out of the trouble, give all the clues, hints, tips, etc. and still they won’t respond, saying that they don’t have any ideas of what to do?

I’ll give an example of what has already happened.

DM: so, the 400 kobolds gathered on one side of the canyon, before the bridge. What do you do?

player A: I dunno. They are too many to fight. Hm…

DM: I will describe the scene again. There are four hundred kobolds standing before a wooden bridge. There is A LOT of wine on the bridge from the kegs you have broken. You are on the other side of the canyon, also close to the bridge. I remember that those with one-handed weapons and no shield [3 in 6 people] are also holding torches. TORCHES!

player B: pheraps we could use the torches against them?

player C: what, you’re gonna fight an army of kobolds hitting them with your torch?

player A: no, we could just use the fire to scare them. Like they do to animals.

DM: the kobolds have torches too. Raven, why don’t you cast a fireball? A FIREBALL!!!

player D: no, I will keep it for later use. One fireball can’t kill 400 kobolds in a hit.

player A: let’s jump into the canyon.

player C: we’ll die from the fall!

Player A: well, we’re horseless, so we can’t run too.

player D: let’s face it, we’re all already dead.

DM: sigh the kobold closest to you walks on the bridge and drops his torch. It lits the wine and the bridge is engulfed in fire. No one from either side may cross the bridge without diing from the fire. Soon enought the bridge falls into the canyon and the kobolds are not able to reach you anymore. You all have just lost a chance to get some tons of XP but the DM is hereby giving up.

player E: how did you expect us to think of burning the bridge?

DM: wished I had a dagger to slay those goofs

2

Smack each and every one of them upside the heads, then shout in their ears, “YOU’RE A DUMB-ASS!” It won’t change anything, but you’ll feel better! ^^

3

Originally posted by Valkyrie Esker
Smack each and every one of them upside the heads, then shout in their ears, “YOU’RE A DUMB-ASS!” It won’t change anything, but you’ll feel better! ^^

I do that occasionally. Way fun, but it doesn’t grow IQ in their heads. I hate my group ;_;

4

As you should. One of the most annoying things I’ve found are Stupid D&D players. Has horrible memories of the “candygram” incident ><

5
  1. Find them an horrible death, one at a time
  2. Find other players.
6

Let them all die!!!

or you could have a convenient thunder storm come in and lightning strike the bridge, Setting it on fire!!

Edit: BTW, wine doesn’t burn all that well. Rum would have been better

7

Vodka burns well too. And don’t be scared to kill your players, I’ve pulled myself out of a few scrapes whe brainfarting when my character was in inniment mortal danger, died a few times too.

8

Ah, Vodka. How you, a glass bottle, a handkerchief, and a match have saved my life many a time. ^^

9

cracks open a fresh keg of vodka and pours it with some clamato

10

If your players have a major case of stupidity, give them some Death, they will get better. Evantualy.

11

…or we will be playing Wraith next.

I don’t feel so lonely. I got some old magazines from my RPg files and found a monthly one that had two pages dedicated to stupid players. In one of the issues I found the records of a mage who cast Chill Touch and used it against a door, and another who cast Sleep on a cactus (I wish I had a scanner to show its veracity, people say I’m bulshitting them when I speak of it).

12

either that or let Lunaris join with raoul. Raoul is good with fire . . . . . . . . although some of the party may still die

13

Why would ou cast sleep on a cactus? Just give them a bit of bourbon, and they’ll fall right asleep!

14

Hands Val some Vodka & Clamato

You need this, your brain isn’t working right

15

downs the Vodka and Clamato Ah, thankies1 ^^

16

Canadites for the D&D Darwin Awards methinks.

17

most definatly

18

Oh, my fellow players would definitely win those, no doubt. Word of advice to druids: you don’t cast Entangle on a FIRE ELEMENTAL! ><

19

Originally posted by Valkyrie Esker
Oh, my fellow players would definitely win those, no doubt. Word of advice to druids: you don’t cast Entangle on a FIRE ELEMENTAL! ><

It strangely works in BG2, if I remember well.

I put a fire elemental to fight the group once. One of the guys had the bright idea of spilling water on his blade before charging at the elemental. Accursed be his companion cleric who healed his 4th degree burns after the battle…