Removed
Ooookay. Better ready your criticism shields, man, cause this ain’t gonna be pretty.
First, paragraphs. They exist. Use them. NOBODY’S gonna read a fic that’s nothing more than a massive block of words.
Second, you write in quick, grammer-broken sentences. It’s best to run it through a spell checker and grammar checker BEFORE posting it.
And finally, the subject itself has been done a hundred thousand times. While there’s no problem with doing something someone else has done before, you have to try even harder in order to be recognized. Sorry, but this fic is simply NOT GOOD.
I read it because it’s short. Which it shouldn’t be, by the way.
Furthermore you should look at broadening your vocabulary. Just scanning it I saw such phrases as “fancy elaborate”, which is not only grammatically incorrect but also horribly worded and makes little sense.
Strange capitlizations such as “Materia”, Coffee" and “Usher”, while not capitilizing “red XII”.
Horrible grammatical misconstruities such as “CloudNTifa”. Even if that is how you meant it, it should read “Cloud N’ Tifa”.
If you’re considering a future in writing, I would suggest you pay far more attention to english class and learn some grammer rules and broader vocabulary. Taking an SAT class probably wouldn’t hurt with the vocabulary (and since you’re 16, it probably would help in general) and just reading some articles or books or magazine would help give you a firmer grasp on grammer.
I will try better next time lol, first fic, like I said, plus Im not a big writer, can’t believe I didnt capatilize Red XIII, grammer, language arts ect are also my
worst subjects. lol, I might have done better also if I wasnt writing it at 2:00 in
the morning lol
Man, if you wrote it at 2 in the morning on a weak subject, you shouldn’t need a forum to know its quality 
Well, I’ll start with something the others have mentioned; Sentences are weak and clomped together. Run on’s a lot too. Break them up a little, you’ll give the poor reader a headache just trying to keep up with on sentence.
Also, on the net it seems to be easier to read storys with a broken line between paragraphs.
I’ll say some advise a lot of people have told me (Weiila, Wil, my english teacher, etc.) Descriptions attract a person, repition tends to make it broing and… just utter crap. Pretend the reader is stupid and has no idea what characters look like and what the settings are like. Little details like that make the readers able to clearly imagine what is going on.
When doing Dialog… it’s good to show who’s speaking. " " these show speaking most of the time for people. Also, when two different people speak, it’s good to make a new paragraph when the second person speaks.
Things like detailed Descriptions, correct grammer and puntuation creates more life into the story. Also, make some of it longer. Pay attention to the critism given, it’ll help.
I just love how everyone in this thread mentions “grammer” but there’s no talk of “grammar.” Anyway, yeah. Use paragraphs. No one’s gonna read crap thats jumbled up together.
NEGATIVE
Improve on the grammer.
Use Paragraphs.
Bold the title or something to make it noticable.
Elaborate: No "The Usher went through the whole procedure and then blah, there done.
More eloboration: Extend the day
POSSITIVE
The rhetorical devices were good
There’s a little humor
NEUTRAL(good/bad, you decide)
Only a so-so storyline
I’m not sure how to catagorize your writing style…
Its been done
And don’t forget the MOST important rule of writing Fanfiction:
Have FUN!
I mention this because I often see new writers discouraged because of poor reception of their work.
But here’s the fact: NO MATTER how good your story is, it could get ignored, or even insulted by others. By the same token, some terrible stories have gotten very popular! This applies to BOTH Fanfiction AND Professional work. The public is unpredictable and fickle.
So, the only person you should always please with your work should be YOURSELF. If you’re going to post it online, just make sure that a) it makes sense, and b) the grammar is correct. Other than that, it’s up to other people to decide if they like it. If they do, enjoy the accolades, if they don’t, ignore them.
Writing is a great way to express oneself… or even to think about life in closer detail. If you have the talent, don’t let it go unused.
Of course, if you ever write professionally, THEN you have to try to please the public, since that’s what they PAY you for. Just keep in mind that it’s often very hard to do.
Good luck! ^^
thanks for the help guys