FF8: The Daughter of Seifer Almasy?

Hi, this is my first fic I’ve ever posted on a message board. Comments would be nice, all criticisum accepted. May be updated weekly at the most.


The prelude

A women with blond hair ran quickly with a small baby girl in her arms across the virgin snow up a hill. Any otherday she’d be moving at full strength but labor pains and exhaustion beginging to take it’s toll. Beads of sweat dribbled down her face and her legs burned. The blond haired women tripped letting out a small scream as she slipped pressing her child against her body. Just a little longer, she thought wearily. Please Hyne, give me enough strength to finish.

   It was like a burden had been lifted from her shoulders when she saw her destination. An orphanage, much like the one she herself had grown up at. In bold letters a wooden sign showed, [b]Miss. Fallow's orphanage, all accepted[/b]. 

   She struggled to move faster but her body carried little energy left. Steadily and slowly she stepped up the creaking staircase looking guiltily at the doorbell knowing what fate she was resigning her child too. But, this had to be better than keeping her. Right? 

    Her gloved fingers reached into her right coat pocket and produced a crystal dangling on a rope. The crystal was a glowing sapphire brimming with energy. [i]Will you protect her?[/i] The women thought sending a message to the creature that dwelled inside. [b]With my life. Trust me,[/b] was the reply. The voice sounded like the howl of a thousand wolves. 

   The women gently hung the rope on her baby's neck watching the steady glow of the sapphire. Then, guiltily, she took out the letter that held her message of good luck. With a final hug the blue eyed women gently lay the baby onto the door step with the letter. Enclosed were the words, [i]take care of Alloran.[/i] She rang the doorbell and ran as fast as she could to the cover of bushes. Falling down onto the snow she kept absolutely silent as the sound of the door opening and closing reached her ears. Taking deep breathes she relaxed for the first time in nine months. 

Bring, bring! Her communicator rang. Weakly she raised it to her ear. " Hello?" She croaked her voice sounding raspy.

    " Garden's here," was the reply. " Think you can get down here? Commander's getting impatient." 

    "  I'll be right here," she said clicking off. 

(Next chapter: Alloran.)

I really liked this. As an opening chapter, I thought it worked really well, giving just enough of the plot away to draw the reader in, whilst still providing some suspense. There were a couple of tiny errors, such as using ‘too’ instead of ‘to,’ but these are nothing to worry about. I’ll be really interested in reading more of this.

Aha, it’s YOU! :slight_smile: Welcome to the board, I was worried that I had scared you off or something. I hope that the constructive critisism I gave you back there helped you.

Thanks. Me? Scared? Not really.Yeah in truth your critisism did help. I actually originally wrote this for fanfiction.net before I sent it off to you. I would have posted the story earlier but I still have to finish the last few chapters and finish revamping them. Sooooo, basiaclly I just post when I get them revamped.

He, he, * crawls into a tiny hole she calls her office* I bet your expecting an update buuuuuuuuuuuut I have some work to finish first. I’ve been putting all my spare time into finishing the story and I’m pretty busy this month. I have a play to put on, TWO trips to Vancover for two weeks, and a ton of work that has to be done to make up for missed school. So till I update, story posponed. (I think that’s how you spell it.

I liked it. In stories, the first chapter always has to be able to draw the reader in quickly or no-one’s gonna read it. You did that perfectly. G’luck with the rest of it!