Fanfic a la Rodger

The Core Media Forum
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Rodger posted this in the constructive critisism thread, but I thought it’d get more limelight if given its own thread. Say hi to Rodger and help him out with his fic:

Well, you asked for it and I will oblige but like I said, it’s only bits and pieces. Oh, and ~DISCLAIMER THESE BITS AND PIECES CONTAIN VIOLENCE!~~~ “…Cloud tapped on the wall on the other side of the room and the guard looked away, Vincent, seeing his opportunity, dropped down from the rafter and put his clawed left hand through the mans through, breaking his neck and sending a high pressure jet of blood out of his mouth and the front of his neck. He was bleeding out of his eyes, ears, mouth and nose as Vincent withdrew his claw and stepped over the lifeless corpse on the floor…”: “…Vincent and Cloud ran down a corridor from twenty (insert strange company name here) soldiers with Vincent slightly ahead as he was not weighted down with a huge sword like Cloud. They Rounded a corner and Cloud pulled out a grenade. “Where did you get that?” Vincent asked. Cloud said “off a dead soldiers body about two corridors back.” With that, Cloud pulled the pin and threw it at the soldiers, most were killed by the explosion and the rest were killed by the falling rubble that then blocked the corridor…”"…the screams of the soldiers soon died out as Cloud and Vincent headed through a door into the main control room of the building. Cloud ran up and placed a bomb on what looked like the main console…""…Vincent looked around the blazing room and saw the only door had been blocked by a burning cabinent that had fallen over. With no other alternative Vincent turned around and jumped out of the thirtieth story window. As Vincent was falling he saw a cord below him hanging from a window of the practically destroyed building. He grabbed on and held on for dear life as he swung out and back into a window on a lower floor that was not ablaze. He could only wonder as to how Cloud was making his escape…"

My comments: Well, it does show that you just started on this (especially with the company note within the paranthesis). But don’t sweat it, a start is a start and should be regarded as such.
One very important thing about this however; linebreaks. The text is so clogged up with dialogue and descriptions falling over each other, that it’s almost impossible to read. Hit enter a few more times and it’ll be MUCH better. As a thumbrule, make a linebreak everytime somebody says something, and when he’s done.

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I see a couple of capital letters out of place, and some of the sentecnes are too long to read easily. Weiila already pointed out linebreaks and wierd parenthises, but apart from that it looks alright.

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Thank you for the critisism, and thanks for creating a new thread for this Weila. I did notice the problem with the line breaks and I just forgot to fix them (I wrote all of that in Yahoo Messenger and just copy and pasted it into wordpad) before I posted it. Not making any excuses of course, just saying that it was written hastily. Thanks again, and I have always had a problem with run on sentences.

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I’d like to ask how Vincent killed the guard. Did he squeeze his throat with superhuman strength or did he put his claw thorugh an organ?

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Vincent used his gold claw on his left hand and forced it THROUGH the mans neck and spine, instantaneously killing him. He pretty much put a giant hole in his neck with his hand. Does that clear it up?

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Yes, thanks.

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~UPDATE!!!~

Okay, well, I’ve been working on my fanfic a lot today and I’ve almost got chapter one done.

~END UPDATE!!!~

I hope that when I post chapter one you all will read and enjoy what I’ve got. I’m not too sure how long this fic will be by the way…

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~UPDATE!!!~

Okay, well, I’ve been working on my fanfic a lot today and I’ve almost got chapter one done.

~END UPDATE!!!~

I hope that when I post chapter one you all will read and enjoy what I’ve got. I’m not too sure how long this fic will be by the way…

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It’s nice that your enthusiastic, but you don’t need to let us know that your still working on a story each time you work on it. Try not to double post please.

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Yeah I noticed the double post…that was an accident. And I won’t post EVERY time I get working on it otherwise this thread would have quite a lot more posts already.