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Only did a quick scan but I’ll read more when I can. Looks alrigjt just becareful of run on sentences and using the comma too much. Good luck writing.
Well, I hate to break this to you, but if your objective is to confuse people, you won’t keep them very interested in your story. It’s okay, but you need to actually string the paragraphs together so they make more sense.
You also need to go through a lot of this and rewrite it in past tense. You keep confusing present and past tense writing and it makes the story sound very awkward when read.
There are also some run-on sentences you should fix, and you use commas a little too zealously. Same with the dash; you use it too often.
Neat story! You seem to have gotten a bit of flak for commas, run-on sentences, and dashes, but I’m assuming that you used them on purpose as this is a stream-of-consciousness, and those are supposed to be somewhat rambling. Still, it couldn’t hurt to read through it again to see if there are any that can be cut.
A couple of criticisms: You have him in Trabia in the beginning, so think carefully: is it raining or snowing? Trabia the northern wasteland, so while it is possible for it to rain there occasionally, if you’re going to make it so, expand on it. What season is it? How long does the rain usually last in Trabia? Is this normal weather for this time of year?
When Rinoa is dumping Squall, you have her saying she’s ‘bored’ of him. I can see her being this shallow at the beginning of the game when she’s still just a rebellious teenager, but by the end she has grown and matured. If she’s going to leave him, it would be for a more concrete reason. It would make your story a lot richer if there was something more to this.
[EDIT: I looked back at the beginning, and realize this is part of the song quote, but it might be better to capture the feeling of the song, than trying to mimic it exactly. Right now, it just looks like Rinoa-bashing, but I’m pretty sure that’s not your aim here.]
A couple of typos I noticed: Second last paragraph in the first scene: Of course, she had watched her". It should be ‘he had watched her’.
I want to rebuild those walls you broke down. I will build them so high that no-one (not even you) could ever find you way in again.
This should be ‘no-one (not even you) could ever find their way in again’. The ‘you’ is an outside thought that should remain contained within the brackets.
You have a wonderful talent for description. Squall and Rinoa dancing, Rinoa running away, Squall thoughts on rejection, his desire to be just like Griever. I loved all of those scenes. Especially the one about Griever. It just gave me coolness shivers!
Great story here!