Looks good CC, I skimmed it through now (have to head off for work training soon :P), will check more closely in the evening, tay? Damn my lack of time, hm? 
I’m sorry.
EDIT: Okay, here we go. And don’t worry about double posting, it’s okay on this board when it comes to posting works and submissions. 
“Hang on Chris! Just stay there and don’t move!” Link yelled to a little boy who was hanging on the edge of the Great Deku Trees’ top floor. Link had to think quickily otherwise his little brother was about to die.
>Preferably “was going to die”. Saying “about to die” sounds more like he’s already broken every bone in his body and is fading away.
“Hurry! I can’t hang on any longer!” the little boy shouted. His fingures were slipping and Chris scarmpled his other hand to the edge. His gauntlets were slipping off his fingures.
>Fingers and… what’s scarmpled?
“Dart?! What are you doing?!” Link yelled at his other brother who seemed to be distracted by a creature.
“He came up from behind! I can’t help right now!” Dart yelled as he held his sword up to keep the creature from eating his face off. Link sighed as he turned back to his little brother.
>Describe the creature better, otherwise it could be a fox, slime, spider, vampire, goblin, lamb, frog, dark knight, Ultros (yes I ran out of ideas and started looking at the smilies :)). And where it came from.
“Chris, hang on for just another second, okay!” Link told Chris.
>Is “told” the word you want? It sounds like it’s said in a calm tone, but that might just be me.
“Easy for you to say! Just hurry!” Chris panic. He was about to fall and there wasn’t going to be a soft landing.
>“panicked” and “It wasn’t…”
Chris gulped and looked past his sholder towards the ground. His face turned purple as he looked at what could be the end for him. Chris shut his eyes and yelled once again. “LINK!” Navi flew down to him.
>The last “him” is a little fuzzy. Since Chris shouts for Link just before, it kinda sounds like Navi is flying to the hero. Don’t write “Chris” again there though, use “hanging boy” or something like that or there’ll be repetitions.
“Keep calm Chris, Links on his way!” the fairy tried to calm the young boy down but he still panic. Chris looked behind himself to see a vine hanging from the top. Chris had an idea.
>“Link’s”, and watch it with the calms and Chrises there. The top of what? The tree? Then write that out too
“Navi, fly to that vine and bring it to me!” Chris told her. The fairy turned to the vine and flew towards it. She graved the vine and gave it to Chris. His right hand letched onto it as his left held onto the edge. “Here goes nothing!” Chris said as he closed his eyes once again and graved the vine with his other hand and swinged to the other side of the room. “AHH!” he screamed as he swung back and forth.
>Vine vine vine vinety viner vine…
“Chris?! What are you doing?!” Link noticed Chris swinging back and forth on a vine.
“HELP!” the child yelled again.
“Try swinging to me Chris! I’ll catch you!” Link told him. Chris swallowed his fear and begun to swing harder. When he was in Links reach, he let go of the vine flying into Links arms. The two fell to the ground laughing. “Don’t ever do that again kid!” Link told Chris.
>Link’s. And REALLY watch it with the names in that paragraph. Metaphors are gold
“Sorry… I slip…” Chris said.
>slipped?
“A little help would be useful right about now…” Dart said as he still fought back aganist the creature. Link stode up and pulled out his Kokiri sword that he had just gotten. Navi flew to the creature to guide Link through the battle.
>“stood”. And again, what kind of creature is this? And “that he had just gotten”… how, where, when, who?
“This is a Gohma Larvae… becarful when they charge!” Navi told Link.
>Ah, okay. Got a name. But how does it look? Place that description primary in the beginning, then you can add more details if you need to as you go along, like wild eyes shifting between the warriors and such.
“You… could’ve… told me that… eariler…” Dart said as he pushed back on his blade. His bare hand began to hurt by the sword’s edge as the Larvae pushed on the young boy.
>“pushed” in two sentences.
Link ran up from behind and slashed the creature two times.
>Where?
After the creature was attacked, it fell onto Dart.
>As an attack of its own or was it dead? Say so at once preferrably to avoid confusion.
“Eack! Get this thing of of me!” Dart yelled as he scarmpled from the dead two-leged spider.
>do you mean “scrambled”? And as I said with descriptions already, have it earlier.
Dart threw it off of himslef and stode up in disgust.
>himself and stood.
The two boys placed their swords back into their cases and looked at each other.
>I think you mean sheaths about the swords’ placement.
Chris was looking over the edge and smiled as he thought of a crazy idea. Link happen to notice the smile.
>The edge of what?
“You ani’t thinking about it are you kid?” Link asked him. Chris looked at Link.
>ain’t
“I know how we can get down to the basement!” Chris told them. Navi looked over his head and saw the huge spiderwed that led to the basement.
>What basement?
“Good idea Chris!” Navi stated. Link walked to the edge and thought of the same idea.
“Alright, on my count… 1… 2… 3!” Link shouted as the three boys jumped off the edge. They went through the strong web and landed in water. They came up and swam to the nearby land. Chris started to dry out his silver hair as Link and Dart came to the land.
>Water and land in a basement? Call the plumber! :hmm: “I’m-a here!”
“Well, we certainly are in the basement…” Dart said as Link slashed a plant creature known as a Deku Baba.
>A what? Describe it.
“Good thinking kid! Now, lets figure a way to get to the boss!” Link said happily as Chris shooked himself dry.
>Don’t have characters speak as if they knew they are in a videogame unless it’s a humoristic story. It doesn’t sound believeable for somebody to run around shouting “Let’s get to the final level and fight the last boss!” in a story. Write something like “the leading monster” or the like.
And “shook”
The young boy smiled at his brother. “Dart, hand me a Deku stick, well ya’?” Link
asked as he turned to a cob web blocking a hidden door.
“Ahhh, did you try your sword?” Dart asked as he handed Link a stick.
“Yeah, and just like the one above, it is a very strong web that only a Big Skullwalltula could build.”
>When did he do that? And what’s a Big Skullwalltula? Sounds like a mutant flower to me…
Link told him. He looked for a toruch. Link found a toruch and walked to it. He lit the stick and
ran back to the cobweb. The web burned and a door showed in its place. Link opened the door and walked in followed by Chris and Dart.
>“torch”. And look at the sentences there. They all have about the same length and are built up in pretty much the same way. You could combine them into a couple of longer sentences with commas instead of periods to help this off a bit. It sounds a bit chop-chop-chop as it is now.
Link looked above his head and saw egg sacks on the ceiling.
“Look out…” he said calmly as the eggs hatched and three more larvaes dropped to the ground.
>Three more? Did they fight these before?
Link and Dart pulled out their swords as Chris put up his fist. Chris’s gaulents tightned as he clintched his fist tighter.
>Repeating Chris again. And “fists” (I’m guessing), “gauntlets”, “clenched”.
The three babies charged at the three boys. Link moved to his right as Dart used his sheild.
>“shield”
Chris brought his fist to a criss-cross defence formation. Link slashed the young appointent. Dart deflected the charged and slashed his target. Chris was hit but still in defence.
>Sentences are built up like “Name, action, attack/cause”. Look that over. And I think you mean “opponent”. What charge does Dart deflect? Is that “the charging monster”
The young warrior punch hard into the Larvaes body, causing pain through out its ribs. The creature shrieked in harrior as Link slashed it.
>harrior? What’s that?
“Great job you two. Very immpressive.” Link told them as he put away his sword. Dart and Chris smiled in pride as they too relaxed from a small battle.
>“short battle”, preferably.
Link walked to another cobweb blocking yet another door. “Your turn, Dart.” he said. Dart pulled out a deku stick and walked to a trouche, he lite the stick and ran back to the web. The web went up in flames and turned to ashes in a few seconds.
>“torch”, “lit”. And watch it with repeating “and” and “the web”.
“Looks like we’re going to have to crawl… Okay, I’ll meet you on the other side…” Link said as he crawled into a hole in the wall. After a few minutes, Dart crawled through. After him, Chris crawled quickly to the next room.
>They crawl a lot here…
When Chris stode up, he noticed they were back in the room of the gaint cobweb. He saw another gaint cobweb in the floor.
>A lot of “giant cobwebs” too. “stood”, and “were back…”? When were they there?
“Can I have the honor?” Chris looked a Link. Link nodded as Chris jumped up and pulled his pony tail back to place. The child walked onop of the web and palced his hands in front of his face.
>Don’t write Link two times in a row. What do you mean with “onop of the web”? “placed”
After a minute, Chris yelled and threw his fist into the web, then, he fell through. Chris fell until he landed in a pool of water. “It’s alright! I’m okay!” he yelled up to his brothers. Chris swam to land and waited for his sibilings befor going into the next room.
Link and Dart jumped down and landed in the water as well. They swam up to Chris. Link pulled out his sheild as he prepaired to dodge the deku nets of the Deku Scrubs. There were three
in the room who seemed to be protecting the next area.
>What’re “deku nets” and “Deku Scrubs”? “before”, “shield”, “prepared”. And wouldn’t the monsters have attacked Chris while he was alone? Look over that paragraph for repititions too.
“2… 3… 1. Twenty-three is number one.” Link said as he countered the nuts and hit the first deku scrub. After all three scrubs left them,
>What? They just left and walked away peacefully? What happened there, and what was Link counting?
Link pulled out the sling shot and fired at the one above the door.
>The one what above the door?
The door opened and the three brothers bravely stepped into the next room.
There we are. It’s a cute story, but it needs some more brushing up Good luck writing!
