My brother’s been depressed as of late, the cause easily guessed: His girlfriend of a year (this is also pretty much his only relationship) just dumped him. He really loved her, and he thought the same was true for her. They didn’t fight a lot or anything, they got along real well, and there seemed to be no problems between the two of them.
He’s been moping, sleeping, not eating, wanting to be alone, yelling at people who tries to talk to him… I don’t know how long this might last, but he’s pretty down now.
Does anyone have any suggestions to help cheer him up? And if you’re going to post bullshit, don’t. He needs help, not stupid suggestions.
Show him that you care about him and how he is feeling, but in general, I think you should just leave him alone and give him time to work it out of his system.
Yeah give him some time till he hints that he needs to talk. He might want to be left alone but at the same time enjoy someones’s company like yours, for a bit.
That kind of behavior is pretty normal after losing a love. If it continues after several weeks (hey it’s pretty damned hard to get over something like that in a few days) without any slight change, yeah you may want to take visiting a doctor, with him, or by yourself to ask advice in how to cope, but just let him know you’re there for him, that’s the main thing.
The first one is always the hardest one, because you have that “she [or he] was the only one, there’s never gonna be another blah blah blah” dynamic working, because technically at this point they HAVE BEEN the only one.
Treat his pain seriously yet don’t smother him with support. Be there for him (doing will carry more weight than saying) yet still give him some space. There’s also a balance between giving him time to deal with his feelings vs. making sure he doesn’t dwell on this for way too long (because he will be bummed out as long as he’s dwelling on the ex, and inactivity fuels depression, because when you’re sitting in your room feeling sorry for yourself, there’s nothing distracting you and taking your mind off of feeling sorry for yourself. Eventually, something NEEDS to run interference. But not immediately, lest you run the risk of burying un-dealt-with emotions). He needs time and space to himself. But he also needs help.
…damn, am I straddling the fence here or what? My groin hurts. :get it?: But, actually, I’m rather serious about all that.
You know your brother and his personality quirks way better than any of us. So you have a better feel for what sort of actions you’ll be able to pull off with him. Some people have to be tricked into doing something else. Others pampered. Some people respond to simply yelling get off your ass and get over it (many don’t).
You know what your brother reacts well to better than us. You also know what your communication strengths are better than us. So you’ll have to figure out the best way to help him. He ultimately has to help himself, but you can guide him. Especially if you’ve been dumped in a similiar manner. USE THAT. (Talk about how you FELT first, then how you got through it. That way, when you say “there’s other people out there” he’s more likely to believe you.)
Originally posted by KaiserVonAlmasy That way, when you say “there’s other people out there” he’s more likely to believe you.)
Actually, I recommend that you NEVER say that phrase. No one’s ever said that to me in a way that didn’t sound contrived. Not that I’m saying they didn’t mean it, I just mean that it’s not what I wanted to hear.
Other than that, the advice that’s already been posted seems to cover all the bases.
Originally posted by Kero Hazel
[b]Actually, I recommend that you NEVER say that phrase. No one’s ever said that to me in a way that didn’t sound contrived. Not that I’m saying they didn’t mean it, I just mean that it’s not what I wanted to hear.
Other than that, the advice that’s already been posted seems to cover all the bases. [/b]
Actually, yeah, you’re right.
You’ve got to get the guy to the point where he believes that. But, yeah, saying that never works. Not, at least, until he’s “over” the ex.
I take that “there’s others” bit back. Don’t say that. Not now, anyway.
How long has it been since he got like that? When people are hurt so deeply, they want to be alone for a while, but they may react in a positive way if you intervene in a gentle way.
If he doesn’t want to talk about it, then try to get his mind off the matter for a while, help him relax a bit. If he needs to vent, then you should be there, listen to everything, let him throw all that pain out. I agree with the previous suggestions. You should try to comfort him the best way you can. People in that state need to feel they have someone close, someone they can trust, someone who can ease their pain.
And they’re also right when they tell you not to come with that “there’s others” bit. For someone who has suffered such a loss, the person who left them always seems impossible to replace.
If this breakup was permanent, then help him forget, slowly, one day at a time.
Just leave him alone untill he realizes that in the real world, people are dumped every so often and it’s not a big deal. Some people become addicted to the person they love and it never ends in a good way. He should develop his self-esteem because these things only get worse with age. If he can’t stand a dump today, imagine the damage a divorce would cause him a few decades ahead.
Give him time, but if he keps this this up longer then a month, start mking him go out. Most people who are depressed won’t get better until they stop dwelling on what makes them sad. Right now your brother is probrably thinking about the good times he and his girlfriend had, and trying to figure out what was wrong with him that she dumped him.
If you make him go out and get busy ( sports, clubs, hanging out with friends) Then he won’t have time to think about the past.
For now just leave him alone, then in a couple of weeks stop giving him to time to to just sit and think.
Originally posted by Alyx If you make him go out and get busy ( sports, clubs, hanging out with friends) Then he won’t have time to think about the past.
I agree, when I moved to Springfield (it will be one year on the 29) I was so depressed to the point that I couldn’t listen to my favorite CD without crying (It had been a gift from my best friend). School kept me busy, the first day was the hardest, the first week was a nightmare. On the Friday of my first week, I was eating breakfast in the cafeteria, and someone had come up to me and introduced herself, later that day a friend of the family had decided to take me to the local Japanese Garden’s Fall Festival, I was convinced to volunteer for the weekend by someone, and I saw the girl who introduced herself (both are now two of my friends), which also kept me busy. Keeping busy is one of the best things to do in a situation like this.
Also, if all else fails, try bribery. It worked for my older brother a few years ago when he was depressed (for my brother, a trip to a book store and a new pair of boots really brightened his mood, ot was just the kick he needed)
There’s not much left to be said here. I know a girl from my highschool who had been with one guy for well over a year when he dumped her. She was a complete wreck for like a week. But with support and a little time, things went back to normal. Strangely, she went to the Junior Prom with him after they were split.
Of course, she is something special. (You can ignore the last sentence if you like).
it’s been said before, but give the guy time. The old saying goes that “Time heals all wounds.”
When people are depressed, they tend not to feel hungry, just want to sleep or be alone, and tend to be over-sensitive/overly-angry about things (sounds a lot like myself this morning). Just try to support him, don’t go on the defensive if he attacks verbally, and let time sort things out…
but on the same token, keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t do anything rash.
People are supposed to get depressed when they go through a breakup. It means they still care. Granted, you want to make sure they don’t do anything too ridiculous while they’re in that state, esp. if its their first breakup, but being sad about something like that is the quickest and healthiest way to get over it. If it didn’t phase him, well then I guess he’d be like me, and then he’d have a whole other set of issues to deal with. :mwahaha:
is it not human to be depressed? Yeah, I know that sounded cold but just let him be and let him think through this. He’ll be ok. But, if you can, just be there for him anytime he needs someone.
Originally posted by Alyx If you make him go out and get busy ( sports, clubs, hanging out with friends) Then he won’t have time to think about the past.
Yes, forgot all about that. It’s very important to help him get his mind off of his loss. Of course, people feel pain in different ways. My ex-gf and I went through two breakups… the first was worse, but the second was more drawn out. After the first breakup, I had this dull pain running through me for several days. I wasn’t able to enjoy anything… and only time and sleep got me over it. The second breakup, however, was different. I just felt really really sad. My friend Jason asked me if I wanted to go to an 80s dance party that night, and at first I refused. But then I changed my mind and went anyway. It ended up being the best night of my life.
So distractions are very therapeutic… however, there are some times when you simply can’t be distracted from pain. What I suggest you do, Cala, is to offer to help distract him, but don’t be offended if he turns you down.
Originally posted by Kero Hazel So distractions are very therapeutic… however, there are some times when you simply can’t be distracted from pain. What I suggest you do, Cala, is to offer to help distract him, but don’t be offended if he turns you down.
I don’t have a lot to add, but I did want to talk about this part. When someone’s broken up with me before (and I’m talking about the longer relationships), I’ve always been one of those people who didn’t want to be “made” to go out and have fun. I mean, being sad or angry or hurt when someone dumps you is a pretty normal thing, right? I resented it when people seemingly made me try to forget how bad I felt when they thought it was for my own good. When it all comes down to it, a person has to move himself on in getting over a breakup. Other people can and do help, but the main thing is that person doing something himself. That’s why what Kero said struck me.
You know your brother better than we do, and I think that a lot of people here have offered a variety of good advice from which you can choose to use. I hope he’s okay.
Also when people try and keep theirselves busy by doing their favourite things whilst depressed and miserable, sometimes they tend to associate activity (in this case, favourite things, like going clubbing, or playing a video game, listening to a favourite CD, etc, as Sapphire Falcon already mentioned) with the depression after awhile and shy away from doing/reading/watching/listening that particular thing again…not everyone is like that, but I am, so, well this isn’t really helpful, but for the first few days, just thinking and not doing anything ;mentally sorting out your priorities is something that works. Maybe he’ll clue into that…