Suddenly has a vision, a terrible maddening vision with the words, “Galloway’s school of fanfic plot devices, and the physics that bind these worlds togethor.” plastered over an old rustic sign.
Great! Update again…NOOOOOOOOW.
Hey, Gallo, did you pick all the gimmicks you made me do from an existing game, or did you come up with them? They were pretty clever, especially the genie one. Now that’s twist!
Hey, maybe you can explain what I just found to me. It came out of a machine in a gas station restroom. It’s like a balloon, but it doesn’t inflate very well. It came inside a small envelope that had the word “Trojan” written on it.
:mwahaha:
Y’know, MGS3 releases in just two days. Maybe Grey Fox could make a special appearance? >> But really. This is turning out pretty good.
Sorry. No funds= No MGS3 until (possibly) Christmas. That, and I have to get my PS2 working again. If I can get my system running, I’ll probably just rent it for the time being. Don’t expect Final Fantasy Solid 3 anytime soon.
Besides, I thought MGS3 was set WELL before even MG1, so why would Grey Fox be in there? (Not only that, but he died in MGS.)
Wil: Most of the quirks are indeed from KQ5. I’m simply novelizing the first part of the game (up to where you enter the mountains), because that’s simply the best part of the game. And as smart as the genie thing sounds, it was terrible in the game, since THERE WAS NO INDICATION OF WHAT THE BOTTLE DID. If you used it on Graham (the main character), the genie popped out and killed him, but there was no idication that was what you had to use on the witch.
KQ5 is SO lucky it was the first voice-acted game I ever played. Otherwise, it would have been deleted three seconds after installation.
Yeah I know all that, but he’s still a classic MG character (hell, most of them are imo). And your PS2 being screwed up sucks man. Hope ya get it fixed soon.
The car continued rolling down the road, aimlessly drifting down the long highway. Finally, Galloway woke back up, took the wheel, and took control once again. They pulled off into a parking lot, scrapped off the dead bodies, corn, and other crap, and continued on their way.
Santa quickly pulled out his handy cell phone. “Hello? Child Sweat Shop Services? I need a bunch of kids, preferably dressed in the most steretypical outfits of their native lands. Yes, I’ll take them in one box. Thank you, good-bye.”
Val and F. Galloway ran down to the police station, where the RPGC Task Force was preparing for battle. “Uh, guys,” said Val, “please step out of the room.” Rather than face Val, the Task Force complied.
Val smiled, and struck a dramatic pose. “Now…TO THE ESKER-MOBILE!” She opened a secret doorway, and both Val and F. Galloway slid down a pair of poles into the basement. They jumped into the nearby Esker-Mobile, and crashed through the side of the station.
Kiro woke up tied to a chair, in a dark and dank basement. Two large men, holding clubs and various bladed weapons, stood over her.
“A real catgirl,” said one of them. “The boss had better pay us good for this one.”
“And if not,” said the other, “we have ourselves another little toy…” Kiro struggled for her bazooka, only to find it lying far out of reach.
Cedric had just finished his last catch when a nearby log rolled out of place, revealing a big hole. A few minutes afterwards, a gasping Wil pulled himself out. “Oh, Wil!” said Cedric. “What took you so long?”
“I DON’T want to talk about it,” said Wil. “Let’s just say that when an elf says the words ‘lovely time,’ you run. At least I got a pair of shoes out of the deal.” He reached into his pants and pulled out a magnificent pair of shoes, complete with incredibly expensive leather, solid gold buckles, and a very small foot size.
The fanatics nestled themselves on one side of the road, their bazookas and guns at the ready.
The conspiracy nuts nestled themselves on one side of the road, their bazookas and guns at the ready.
“We’re almost there,” said Gemini. His voice was slightly muffled by the hundreds of road maps that buried him in the back seat.
Elizabeth continued to stare out the window, lost in her own private thoughts. Suddenly, her hair stuck up on end, her eyes widened, and her whole body began to shake. Before anyone knew what happened, she grabbed the steering wheel and pulled the entire car off the road, onto a nice patch of hot dirt and desert sand.
“What the unholy fuck are you doing?” shouted Galloway.
“It’s a trap,” said Elizabeth. “They’ve surrounded the road. They’ll kill us before we can get within twenty miles of them.”
“…how do you know that?” asked Galloway.
“I just do, okay?” shouted Elizabeth. “Call it a…woman’s intuition.”
“Whatever, catgirl,” said Galloway. He climbed of the car and looked down the road. “I’ll go check it out, but if you’re wrong…” He flew off before he could finish his threat.
Wil returned to the singing willow tree. He pulled the heart out of his pockets and presented it to her. The tree let out a squeal of delight, and put the heart close to its “chest.” Almost immediately, the tree transformed into a beautiful maiden, exactly as the price had described (and yes, she had clothes on, you sick weirdos).
“I don’t need this thing anymore!” she said, tossing the harp aside. “I’m a princess again!”
“My love!” shouted the prince, running towards his long-lost fiance. The two embraced in a passionate kiss, and left for their home land. Wil, meanwhile, examined the harp. Despite having been tossed aside like a plush ball, it was undamaged.
“Nice harp,” he said, putting it carefully away. “I could probably make a few bucks off it.”
He then went to the gnome, and presented the spinning wheel. “It hasn’t been used,” said the gnome. “Good thing; this wheel can spin straw into gold, if you know how to use it. Come on, boy, give the man the puppet. I’ll make you a new one!”
The little gnome boy handed Wil the puppet, and the two gnomes vanished into the forest, taking the spinning wheel with them.
Finally, Wil returned to the gypsy camp, only to find the wagon gone. The only item remaining was a tamborine, left alone in the field. With nobody around to stop him, Wil took the instrument. He was now only a drum and guitar short of a band.
Galloway watched overhead as the two factions watched the road. “I guess she was right,” he said to himself. “Well, guess I’d better clear the road.”
(one needlessly violent scene later)
Galloway grabbed the last two members of his attackers, both from the different sides of the road. “Alright, which of you killed the Jones family two days ago?”
Both of them shrugged. Galloway’s sixth sense failed to go off, causing a long, deep sigh. “Okay, you’re telling the truth. Now, go give your bosses a message: if you try to kill me again, I will destroy you all.” He then punted them off into the distance.
“That was unnecessary,” said a harsh, deep voice. “Neither you nor Trisha would have been killed by such weak weapons.”
Galloway turned, only to see a mysterious cloaked figure a good distance away. “Who the hell are you?”
“It is not the time for you to know,” said the cloaked figure. “But before you ask, yes, it was my organization that killed the Jones family. We merely wanted to attract your attention.”
Galloway seethed with anger. “So this whole thing was a set-up?”
“Not everything,” said the cloaked figure. “We did not plan this ambush. Yes, we killed the terrorists, but could not find Trisha. It was not until you contacted the FBI that we realized what had happened. After that, you played into our hands.”
“You didn’t plan this well, though,” said Galloway. “You just revealed your entire scheme.”
“Don’t be a fool,” said the cloaked figure. “You know nothing of our plans. For now, you will continue to the meeting point. There, you will rescue another girl, and we shall give you more information.” Before Galloway could do anything, the cloaked figure dissapeared in a vortex of sand.
(to be continued)
And now we have one of the most classic Galloway moments. The mysterious cloaked figure, that seems to know everything that’s going on, but won’t tell. Very nice.
Frigging attention-getting mutter mutter
Stupid cliche’ idiot cloak dude…
Esker-Mobile ROCKS!
There is nothing in life but the Esker-mobile.
No Val transforming into the Eskermobile? How… unsurprising.
Great, now that’s given me the idea of Dracula transforming into the Batmobile.
The Esker-mobile raced down the road, reaching speeds of about mach 3. After a few seconds, Val realized she had overshot the target twice. Finally, after destroying about half of Utah (which nobody cares about, anyway), she turned around and raced into the desert southwest.
“Was I right?” asked Elizabeth.
“For the eighteenth time, YES!” said Galloway. “We’re almost there. Can you two please be quiet for a few hours?”
The little car raced down the fast lane, and entered the laid-back state of Texas.
Wil finally found an exit to the woods: a path leading into the mountains. “Oh, that’s the route to Mordack’s castle,” said Cedric.
Wil was about to begin his ascent, when he heard a threatening hissing at his feet, followed by a rattling. He stepped back, and saw a rattlesnake nestled at the foot of the path, hissing angrily at Wil. “Ssssssstay away. Thisssssssssss is my pathhhhhh!”
Mere seconds before he was about to blow his brains out, Wil remembered the snake he had eaten back at Chrispen’s house. “Is there any way I can pass?”
“Nooooooo,” said the snake. “The only thing that ssssssssscares me is a tamborrrrrrrrine. Play that, and I might sssssssssslither away.” Wil pulled out his convenient tamborine, shook it around, and watched as the snake ran away in fear. Now unblocked, he made his way into the mountains.
Galloway’s car pulled into a small gas station, nestled deep within the desert. As he slowly climbed out, the fat rednecks on the front steps began the mocking. “Well, looks like we got ourselves a big, northern city boy!”
“What? I come from a farm-based city!”
“Driving his fancy little, expensive European import!”
“It’s a Honda! And I got it used for $2000!”
“And wearing his fancy, brand-new armor!”
“I’ve had this stuff for three years!” He finally entered the gas station, mumbling, “Lousy inbreeds,” under his breath.
“The boss just called,” said one of the kidnappers. “He said the girl’s useless now.”
“Let’s have a little fun before we kill her,” said the other kidnapper. Kiro just looked on in absolute fear.
Suddenly, the door opened. Galloway stepped inside, holding a half-eaten Snickers and a Big Gulp. “Uh, where’s the cash register?”
The two kidnappers turned, their yellowed teeth bared in anger. They grabbed their large clubs and charged at Galloway, screaming like the sick pedophiles they were. They fell silent after Galloway kneed them both hard in the groin.
The cloaked figure watched the display with a mixture of joy and anger. “The fool is indeed powerful. Now, he will learn his next clue.”
Galloway quickly untied Kiro, taking note of her ears. “There sure are a lot of catgirls around here,” he said.
“You only noticed that NOW?” said Kiro. “Do you have a way out of here?”
“Of course, ‘your majesty,’” said Galloway. He handed her the bazooka in a hurry. “Now, follow me.”
The two ran out the the car, jumped in, and drove off in a hurry.
Wil continued his climb into the mountains, observing the ever-freezing foliage around him. Finally, he reached a lovely mountain plateu, strangely unaffected by the cold. Before he could do much, though, mindless guards jumped out of nowhere and beat him to the ground.
The hillbillies rose to their feet and stepped out of their beloved gas station. “We’ll get you, you fucking yankee!” shouted one of them.
“Yeah!” shouted the other. “God’s on our side!”
Suddenly, something smashed through their gas station, tearing it (and them) to shreds.
“Did we hit something?” asked F. Galloway.
“Nope,” said Val.
(to be continued)
THe sheer utter chaos flows together to create some sort of … dare I say plot?
Yeah…I guess.
Oh, and I love the ending…
Lastly…I’m glad I’ve never played King’s Quest.
one of the most funny and entertaining stories i’ve read in a while. and the sheer irony of everything is hilarious.
I’m now going to be half-expecting it to say “Suddenly, and without warning, nothing happened.” 
Weiila rocked nervously in the cage, trying in vain to remove the chains. The ninja and remaining followers simply watched her move around, aroused by her young purity.
Starstorm rocked nervously in the cage, trying in vain to remove the chains. The ninja and remaining followers simply watched him move around, unaroused by his total lack of purity.
The guards marched Wil into a large fortress, built out of a cliff by a large shore. Nearly every inch of the massive place was filled with disshelved, despairing old men, their backs stuck in permenant hunches, their eyes empty of all life. They simply continued to mine and build, never taking so much as a glance at Wil.
Finally, the guards stopped in front of a large cave. They unceremoniously shoved Wilfredo to the ground inside, then turned for the exit. Enraged, Wil tried to launch a massive spell, but his magic only fizzled when he finished the words.
“Your spells will do you no good here,” said a crackly, crowny voice. “I have made sure of that.”
Wil spun around, and saw yet another hideous witch. This one was dressed completely in black, with a hooked nose, an uncountable number of wrinkles, and almost completely rotted teeth. “Who the hell are you, hag?” shouted Wil.
“My name is Loukhy” said the witch. “Judging from that spell, and your appearance, you seem to be a wizard. Very well, then, I have a deal for you.” Wil’s eyes bugged out in alarm, fearful of what the witch would want with a big, sexy man like himself.
“I will release you…if you bring me a sampo! ONLY A SAMPO WILL DO!” She then went to attend to some moaning upstairs, as Wilfredo was left to wonder one thing…
What the hell was a sampo?
“YOU BROUGHT ANOTHER CATGIRL!” shouted Gemini. Kiro’s bazooka was now aimed at Gemini’s head.
“She was stuck in a Texas gas station with a couple of down-and-out rednecks!” said Galloway. “These are people that woship high school football and have sex with barn animals! I don’t think raping an underage cat girl will be THAT much higher!”
Elizabeth eyed Galloway angrily, as Kiro changed her aim to Galloway’s head. “I wouldnt’ do that if I were you,” said Galloway.
His words were followed by an immediate explosion. When the smoke cleared, the car was badly damaged, and Galloway’s body was badly burnt. Fortunately, they were just outside another little gas station.
The Esker-mobile pulled into a large parking lot. Val and F. Galloway both climbed out, dizzy and disoriented from their massive driving experience. After a few minutes of puking, they grabbed their stuff and walked down the long, hot path before them. Finally, they reached a sign that read, “ROCK GOURGE: JUST OVER THIS HILL.”
“Ah, beautiful Rock Gourge,” said Val. “A peaceful week of camping, resting, and killing Glenton.” They passed over the hill, and saw the magnificent “ROCK GOURGE” sign…pointing to an eight-foot by ten-foot hole in the ground.
“We’re gonna be pretty sick of this place by the end of the week,” sighed F. Galloway.
“Well, your entire chasis is blown off, your tires and popped, your motor’s broken in more ways than I can count, and your airbag’s been burnt to a crisp. I’d reckon it’ll cost you…$50000.”
Galloway looked at the shady repairman, then back at the young catgirl, then back at the repairman. “We’ll pay it.”
“You boys can catch some food down at the diner,” said the repairman. “This’ll take us about…a day.”
The ninjas dragged the tied-down GG down the many halls and stairs of the castle, until he was all bloodied and messy. Finally, they dumped him in front of their head ninja.
A ninja in a purple uniform.
Before GG could shout out a name, the ninja raised his hand. Clouds formed over GG, and a single massive lightning bolt shot out, shocking the swordsman until he was a smoking black. They then loaded his body onto a truck and started driving off.
(to be continued)
Something just occurred to me: this is like the “plot” equivalent of MvC2’s “balance.” Most people try to strive for a “Guilty Gear X2 balance” type plot (i.e. everything makes sense, all characters are definite and accounted for, loose ends tied up by the end or at least in one of the sequels, etc), but this seems to be a “whole bunch of random crap that, in certain respects, makes NO sense, including a few characters who seemed to be implemented just to make you go WTF, and yet somehow it works.” Sorry, I’m making even less sense than the story here, but … uh … somebody must get what I’m saying, right?