I’m thinking on making a sattire (light humor, no offensive jokes) of it in here. It would be a collection of posts, some short, some long, putting it into nowadays language. But first I need to know if even the slightest sattire would offend anyone. Thumbs up for the project?
As long asd you make it tasteful. No Jesus-crucifix bondage jokes, no Eve-Serpant Beastiality, etc. and it’ll be fine.
Right on.
Let’s start from the beggining.
GENESIS
The Creation
At first there was nothing but Yaveh. Imagine how boring it must be to exist in a nearly infinite universe with nowhere to go nor anything to do. So one day Yaveh got so bored he decided to create things.
It was a Sunday. He said “may light enlighten the universe… Oh, it sounded strange…”. The rest is known to everyone. Then, on Saturday, he slept. Strange? No. Night life hadn’t been invented yet.
Fuss in the skies
There was then a TV show - actually a reality show - called Big Angel. The program ran smooth with a rather happy audience untill one of the participants started displaying a lot of arrogance. Lucifer, or Looloo for his close friends, claimed to be the real slim shady and started annoying people.
One day the rules of the program were changed so that people could choose one of the participants to be kicked out of the house. Guess who was first.
Outta the paradise
Having nowhere to go, Looloo came to Earth. So he went to Eden.
-99?
No, Eden the country. Lemme continue. So, by arriving there, he saw Addam and Eva. Before you ask, it wasn’t not Eva. Anyway, he saw that despite Addam was bigger and stronger, Eva was the one ruling the place. She would say “Addam, my feet hurt”, and there Addam went to massage her feet. She said “Addam, I’m hungry”, and then Addam would go hunt something for her.
So that day Addam went hunting and left Eva alone. Lucifer, being still angry at Yeovah and wanting to do something that would piss the divine Boss, incarnated in a serpent and then went talking to Eva.
-Hey! See that tree over there? Don’t you want to taste it’s fruit?
-No. It’s forbidden.
-But you will know how to harness the power of the elemnts and will be able to build houses and clothes for your protection!
-No.
-You will know the number of the lotto forehand!
-No!
-You will always know fashion tendencies for the next season before everyone else.
-Really O_O?
When Addam came back, Eva told him to eat the fruit, that it would make him feel so better. They then ate the fruit at the same time. It made them notice they were butt-naked.
Yaveh was taking a walk at the place when he saw the two trying to hide. When he spotted the leftovers of the fruit he shouted just like Homer when he catches Bart doing something evil.
Yaveh banned Addam, Eva, Looloo and the serpent, who was innocent, from the paradise. He also put a hunky angel to guard the entrance to the paradise with a fire sword, thus inventing the security thugs.
(to be continued…)
Haha Ren, you have flair o.O By all means, please continue!!
I’m going home now, but tomorrow we’ll get to a part I like sattiring very much. The patriarchs 
Kain and Abel
Years passed, and Eva was a respectable old lady and Addam a perverted old man. Living a boring life, Addam would go out to work and Eva would care her children and grandchildren.
They had no worries but the constant fights between Kain and Abel. As you know, Abel was a shepperd and Kain a farmer, and they were always arguing about who had the noblest and most useful job.
Abel was always with his parents and was sensitive and well-behaved. Kain was a pimp and got many women (his sisters and nieces, which is all he could get. What makes me think… Is humanity nowadays the way it is due to the incestuous relations among the first 10 generations of humans?). Abel was a pacifist; Kain really liked a fight. Only once they agreed on something: they were good gospel singers. They started working as gospel singers working at local open area cults to Yaveh (temples hadn’t yet been invented).
But you know, siblings are not siblings if they don’t get into some fights and arguments every once a while. So they started arguing about who sang best. God saw that and didn’t like it. He then proposed they should go into a singing contest sponsored by Him. Abel and Kain agreed.
Some days later they were on stage. The audience for that event was really great. So Abel got ready and started singing, and the crowd started singing altogether with him:
“Glory, Glory, Allelujah! Glory, glory alleluuuujah! Glory, glory…”
When he finished the crowd stood up and started calpping and shouting “Bis! Once more! Already won!” and all that. There were still some girls screaming and being kept away from the stage by the security and dismaying when Kain went to the the microphone. He started singing an anti-devil music:
“Don’t believe my lies / I’ve been known just to let you down…”
The crowd was as receptive to Kain as it had been to Abel.
Yaveh didn’t get it well and thought the song was about Him. So despite the fact that he had foreplaned a tie as a fair result and the cheer of the crowd, He announced Kain was disclasificated and gave the golden popcorn trophee to Abel.
Kain, of course, got really mad. So he got his guitar and broke it against Abel’s head. Abel died of cranial traumatism. Now it was Yaveh’s turn to get mad and so he condemned Kain to spend the rest of his life in the subway, playing guitar and singing for a few coins in his hat.
Noah’s ArK
If humanity was already like that in the second generation, by the tenth it was worse. God dammed (¬¬) sinners and their sins…
Anyway, people lived a lot by that time. Of course, life by that time wasn’t as stressing as it is today in our metropolises. It was rather like country life. And things like coke and fatty food hadn’t been invented yet, so people were healthier. No wonder Addam lived 930 years, Seth lived 912, Enosh 905, and so on.
But let me talk about someone special. This guy was called Noah.
Well, when Noah was 500 (therefore by the end of his teens), God called him to chat and have some beer on some bar that stood distant from everything so nobody else would hear what He had to say.
It was something really hard to say. So, to get Noah more relaxed, God started talking about less important things. And so they chatted about ther lives for hours and hours.
-(…)So, tell me about your children.
-(hic)Dey are the kidzzz I always wanted! Cam, Sem (hic) and Jafet are reaaaaally good, obedient(hic), habby jildren. They are goin’ well on sgool wiv good scores and they never do anyving bad (hic).
[i]-That’s good to know.[/i]
-Now, how about your jildren?(hic)
[i]-I have a boy, but that’s not important now. Noah, you’d better stop now. I’m afraid you’ll pass out before I say what I have to say.[/i]
-God… zo, you galled me here for a reaaazon (hic). What wazz it again?(hic)
[i]-I’m going to… Destroy the world[/i]
-HOLY SH…
[i]-I regret having created the world and humanity. People do scandalous things, they sin too much you know. They blasphemate, they cheat on each other, they lie, they steal, they kill, they piss me off. I’m gonna drown them all in a giant flood.[/i]
-You godda be trigging me, man! Tell me thizz is a joke!
[i]-Don’t worry. I like you so much I’ll actually spare you. I’ll even make you the great repopulator of Earth.[/i]
God then picked a napking and a pen and started drawing on it.
[i]-Look… You are to build this big wooden floating box. Let’s call it an ark.[/i]
-Aw… couldn’t it be someving gooler (hic) ligge a yellow submarine?
[i]-I simply don’t want to wait untill there is technology enough to build one. Now shut up and listen. You are going to make a door, a window, a ramp, and then you’ll put one couple of each species that there is inside it.[/i]
Noah looked at God to see if He was being sincere or bullshitting him, then at the drawing, and still found it very hard believing the whole thing. But then he looked at God again, calmed down, and said “Ok. Can do, chief.” God was then very happy. He ordered a last round of beer and gave Noah a deadline for the project, which was to be completed in 100 years.
Noah woke up the other day with the feeling of 10 elephants trotting on his head and a thirst which could be only quenched by drinking the whole flood that was about to come. Anyway, he finnaly noticed the trouble he had gotten himself into. It was too late to cry, and he didn’t have much time. So he called his sons and asked if they would like to go on a couples cruise. Hey, just who wouldn’t? Of course, they happily agreed.
-Good. So go get your tool sets. You’ll help me building the cruise ship.
And then, 100 years passed. The ark was finished and Noah started getting pairs of animals into the thing. Domestic ones, that is. You try leading a wild lion around… So Noah was putting some of his pets inside the ark. You know, goats, cows, dogs, chickens… God observed that from above and saw it was too much trouble for just one person. He knew Noah couldn’t put one couple of each animal into the ark, no matter how hard he tried. So God made a selection of the animals he liked the most, put them in a line and made them get into the ark. However, not everything got into the ark in couples. It was already inhabited by some common animals like termites, ants, silverfish, slugs, cockroaches of all kinds, rats. And the animals that came in brought their fleas, ticks, bowel worms.
Then it started raining very heavy. A flood swallowed every land that existed. Noah, his children, his wife and his pets drifted randomly for 40 days and 40 nights. After that, the water level started goind down and they got stuck in Mount Ararat, in Armenia. They still took some time to get out of the ark, pheraps due to an unfinished poker game (No one gets out! No one gets out!). But they eventually went out, since they still had to repopulate Earth. Besides, the stench from the animals was building up.
When they got to breath some fresh air they saw a gaily colored bow among the clouds. God explained to Noah that that thing was a rainbow, a sign of a pact he’d done with humankind that moment. The pact was that God would never devastate Earth with floods again (and thus God invented the contract with very small letters: [i]However, I may still devastate it making use of fire, tornadoes, earthquakes, meteor impacts, hunger, war, or any other catastrophic means that pleases me.[/i]).
And they would be happy ever after… But Noah started growing grapes. And he made wine with them, and he abused that wine. As a drunkard he cursed his children. And you know, a family lead by a person who has problems with alcohol is not the most functional one that may exist. Noah’s descendents started wreaking some havoc on Earth. God saw that everything was happening again, slapeed himslef on the forehead and went back to the sketch board.
Oh yeah, this chapter ends with a note mentioning that the drunkard lived up to his 950’s.
shakes head it’s not as bad as I thought it was going to be. some of it’s kinda funny though. just keep the stuff light and it should be alright for entertainment purposes.
Just now I noticed a lot of typos. I’ve coprrected all the ones I could find. IF there are more of them please let me know.
BTW… Thanks for the good ratings I’ve been getting so far. May God bless you all =)
I am about to have 100 viwes on this thread! Go me :yipee:
Uh… Back to work. This time I want to talk about the ToB.
The Tower of Babel
Oh, I’ve been wanting so much to talk about this part shrug…
You know, bad things tend to turn to worse things when corrective measures are not taken in time. With Noah’s descendance it wouldn’t be different.
After some generations, some people gathered on the plains of the Middle East on some place called Shinar. And God said: “[i]humankind is gathered on the plains of the Middle East.[/i]” People all spoke the same language, the one they had learned from Noah. And God said: “[i]people all speak the same common language.[/i]” And people said: “come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves and not be scattered over the face of the whole earth”. And God said: “[i]humanity is going to build a city that… WHAT THE HELL!?![/i]”. Hey, He had given humanity a very clear order to grow, multiplicate and scatter throughout the surface of Earth. That just was not right.
Angry at humanity, God was going to cast another catastrophic event to ravage all that existed *. But then, his fellow shareholders got worried about the impact that action would have on the image of the Divine Corporation to the eyes of their buyers. They convinced God that ravaging the land would make him unpopular. However, Yaveh just had to do something about those earthlings who got on his nerves.
Being subtle for the first time in history, God sent some spy angels to the tower. And they started speaking in different languages, and people started learning those languages. However, they didn’t teach the same language to more than a few persons, so people were divided in groups of languages. You may imagine the scene.
-English, mi[/i]! Don’t you speak it?
-ENGLISH!!! OMG LOL WTF!!!1111!!!1!!!111!
-Ph33r! 1 60T 7H3 P0W3R!!!
-Jejeje, ahora puedo lammar todo aquellos que estan a ver esto texto de maricoñes sin que perceban o que estoy a decir de ellos!
-Que pi[/i] zona virou esse lugar, hein? Tá pior que novela da Globo!
It was not fun for everybody anymore, so those who took care of the tower decided it was a failed plan. So they blew it up. People had no choice but to scatter throughout the surface of Earth, doing just as God wanted. And Yaveh was happy with that.
This story ends teling us of the meanings of the names of places. Just like Bethel means ‘light’ and Arizona means ‘a hell hole and a hole to hell **’, Babel, the name given to the Tower, means ‘YOUR MOMMMM!!! ***’
* remember, as long as it isn’t by flood, He may legally destroy Earth if He wishes so
** thanks Zhou!
*** most common thing people said when they didn’t understand someone else and thought they were being insulted in other languages they didn’t speak
Coming up next: The Call of Abram (no, this name is not a typo)
Good going ren. Are you gonna do the whole bible or just the old testament?
Originally posted by The Wizardmaster
Good going ren. Are you gonna do the whole bible or just the old testament?
I don’t know. this might take years to finish if I take it to the end. I’ll be sure to finish the judaic Torah, which is composed by the five first books of the christain bible. But as for the rest, I’m thinkjing of doing just the factual part. I simply couldn’t do the proverbs the way I’m going, for example.
My plan is making theTorah, then the Evangelions + Apostles, then Apocalypse. I’ll then make the rest of the old testament.
Man, now that was good, but you still have alot more bible to get through.
Abram’s call is a slow chapter. Nothing really funny happens in it. In fact, I’m just posting it so people understand how it all began. Things will start being funny on the next post, Abram in Egypt.
The Call of Abram
No, that name on the title is not a typo. The guy was really called Abram. He’ll change his name on another post. Speaking of posts, this man is so important his life is going to take lots and lots of posts.
Enough of small talk. Abram lived in a land called Ur. It belonged to the Caldeans, which later became Babylonians. Caldeans were famous for their knowledge of the stars and of the things of nature. They were consulted by important people about the future, mystical stuff and such things. In other words, they were the fortune tellers of their time.
One day Abram’s father decided to move and left Ur. Abram went too, along with his wife, Sarai (she’ll change her name on some other post too), his children, his nephew Lot - known as Lola to his close friends -, his lots of animals and his servants*. They moved to the lands of Haran.
Well, the audience of God’s channel had been dropping by that time, so he needed something new to get more spectators. He decided he would do some new kind of reality show, but this time the people in this program wouldn’t know they were being filmed. While wondering as how the program should be, He saw a group of people wandering around the lands of Haran. “[i]So let it be written. That man is going to be the protagonist of my next masterpiece[/i]”. And so the Candid Abram project was created.
So God came to Earth and called Abram. He invited Abram for some beer on some distant bar, just like he had done to Noah, but Abram refused. After all, he was filthy rich*, and beer is a thing for the lower classes. “[i]This one is gonna be harder than I thought[/i]”, thought the Lord of the Armies. So he invited Abram to play some golf.
They chatted for a time. Yaveh had to distract him until some time after the sunset. Near the 18th hole God talked to Abram.
[b]-Abram, look at the stars. Can you count them?[/b]
-No. And I don’t think anyone besides you can.
[b]-I’ll make a pact with you. Always do as I say, and I will bless your family. You will have as many descendents as there are stars on the sky.[/b]
Back then, having a lot of children was something that gave people status. Abram was already old and had none, so having children would be something really special for him. So he agreed with the pact.
-What do you want me to do first?
-You are to move from Haran to a land I’ll eventually show you.
Abram scratched his head. He had a lot of trouble housebreaking his pets and moving his stuff to his new house. But anyway, he wanted children very much. So he agreed. Abram was 75 when he got his animals, his servants, Sarai and Lola and got away from Haran. They started moving towards the land of Canaan.
*Having lots of animals and servants was richness for that time.
Coming up next: Abram in Egypt