April Fools 2012

It’s that time of year again (well in the next 8 hours that is), and already they’re showing up.

Google Maps. 8-bit version.

Has anybody found other April Fools jokes yet?

Edit: Sony’s AFs.

I’m getting a Mexican Red Rump (Brachypelma vagans) as my 3rd and final tarantula. This is not a joke. Gotta love that jet black carapace and legs along with the rump sprinkled with red hairs. Google it if you wish.

Hey look another DG post about spiders. LOL! In this one, he didn’t even bother trying to make it remotely about april fools either. Hey guys, here’s an april fools joke. Being a virgin for 30+ years will cause you to obsess over shit like discarded panties, 25 year old video games or deadly poisonous creatures that will not make up for your crippling social isolation, but will in fact further isolate you from others and reinforce the concrete barriers you’ve erected around your meaningless existence. Oh wait…sorry guys, that’s not a joke, actually that’s 100% literally true (yeah that’s right GAP, literally, in fact I literally meant literally there, in the most literal sense). So please, do uncle zeppelin a favor and go fuck someone. Anyone. Literally anyone. I don’t care if she’s a coma patient whose vaginal muscles have completely deteriorated over the last five years cause she went into a taco-induced coma from eating at Paco’s every day for the last 10 years. Being a coma rapist is still at least 2 or 3 levels above the social ladder of “collectible hobby enthusiasts over the age of 30.”

While I’m at it, let me continue to enumerate the ways in which I am a better person than most everyone here. First: I have a job. How many of you people actually have jobs? I mean, seriously. It’s about fucking time to get up off the futon you’ve been sleeping on in your parent’s guest room for the last five years and I dunno, shovel some pig shit into a truck. Alright, now you’ve got a job. This is the first step you must take in the illustrious quest to find ~A FEMALE COMPANION~. Okay, now before we can get to the next step, you’re gonna have to stop reading reddit. I know…it’s going to be hard, but I’m here to help you along the way with this. Women don’t not want to date you because of some vaginal conspiracy, in which your name is on some list on some forum somewhere that only women get to read (i dunno, cause they have to scan their VAGINAS or something to get access???) that immediately tells them to stay away from you. They don’t date you cause you sleep on your mom’s futon in the attic, unironically still wear your Illusion of Gaia t-shirt to TGI Friday’s, and smell like pig shit because you don’t bother to change your clothes after work. I can’t stress this enough people, please wash the pig shit off your pants before going on a date. Don’t complain that she doesn’t “love you for who you truly are” when she doesn’t call you back for a second date. In fact, don’t complain at all, jesus christ.

OK, so next step. Try to better yourself every day. Don’t be happy just scooping pig shit into the truck all day. Develop some new method that will increase pig shit shoveling by 10% across the board without adding any extra cost or labor. That’s called “improving efficiency” and it’s how most of the western world was able to gain the standard of living it now enjoys since 1945, aside from exploiting cheap third world labor at basically no cost (but hey, you’re still about 30 steps away from world domination on zeppelin’s scale of becoming a non-drain on society at large, so let’s just stick with step 2 for now). Now that you’ve actually demonstrated you can do something other than shovel shit, you might get a chance to say, become a “senior shit shoveler” or perhaps even “shit shoveler assistant director.” This title on your business card (keep them in the car, you don’t want pig shit all over them) will do wonders for not only your career, but also in making friends and dating. Girls love a senior or director name on your card, and let’s face it, people just in general enjoy being around other successful people. At about this time, you may even start getting job offers from recruiters on linkedin (oh right, I forgot to mention ditch your xynga or livejournal for a linkedin profile) for slightly better positions…say for example, shit examiner, pig shit equity researcher, or even the waste treatment and recycling industries. Really, the sky is your limit.

But don’t just stop with that one efficiency improvement. People like certificates, charters and degrees that demonstrate your shit-piling aptitudes without actually having to…you know…go to the shit field and watch you pile shit in person. It smells out there, and HR officers like clean, tidy, sterile work environments. That “Chartered Pig-Shit Shoveler Level III” title that you can add to your linkedin title will immediately put you at the top of the resume pile. And not only that, but you might learn other valuable life skills along the way. Enjoy learning for learning sakes. You might, for example, develop a technique to remove your clothes from the floor and place them into a hamper or other clothes-holding device while learning how to shovel shit from the ground into a sanitary contained facility. Yes, that’s right…please remember. Clothes off the floor, into the hamper. Also, you should preferably wash the clothes in your hamper before wearing them again, this is not a replacement for your wardrobe. Also, start calling it your wardrobe instead of your closet. “Oh you have a wardrobe?” “Why yes I do, perhaps you’d like to come over some night and have a look, and we can enjoy a nice bottle of wine while listening to erotic future jazz and downtempo music.” Yes, take another note folks, the Final Fantasy VI soundtrack and a couple cans of Ecto Cooler that you’d been saving since 1991 will not make for a good date. Also, don’t argue with your date over whether it’s Final Fantasy VI or Final Fantasy III. Who gives a fuck, it’s the same game, this isn’t 1997 and we’re all 15.

Okay, that’s a lot for all of you to absorb in one sitting, so I’m just going to leave it at that for now. Let’s all do this together, RPGC project, post pictures of your progress, detail it for all of us to see, make uncle zeppy proud.

Um… troll much ?

Dude, you are terrible. I have a full-time job like a lot of people, and my hobby is what keeps me sane. If I choose to stay single, it is MY choice. Who the heck are you to judge and bring down a person based on their personal prefferences ?

Take your own advice, good sir.

Edit : In the spirit of April Fools, if I wanted to make a joke, I’d probably leave a molt lying around the office just to freak people out. But that could get me in big trouble, so I won’t.

lol zep tries to make it sound like DG’s existence is the only meaningless one.

but yeah hes jokin bra you dont have to get defensive

Dragon Quest version, hurray! Apparently some descendants of Erdrick/Roto work at Google.

Let’s all remember that Zepp has a job in China. :smug:

And that he’s gone on at least one quest for ~A FEMALE COMPANION~ in China. :smug:

My entire life for the last seven years has been one long quest for ~A FEMALE COMPANION~ in China.

Except I’m finally moving back to the US in August.

Ok, so I have a female companion, two jobs (one of which I could get a promotion at, if I really wanted), I wash my clothes before each wearing, and, oh. I don’t live in my parent’s basement.

How am I doing? :V

Who is more likely to give anal sex: American women or Chinese women? Zepp knows these answers and more.

Why do you think I’m moving back to the US? :butt:

I think you’re ready for step 2: don’t watch anime, even “ironically”

I’m living in my parents basement, I don’t have a female companion, I play swtor 8-10 hours a day during the week and 14-18 hours a day on the weekend, i have a job, i just got a 3 day suspension from my job, i’ll probably log about 90 hours of swtor over the next 5 days, i just got out of prison and I parole in 11 days, i finally achieved beastiality, i have to use some kind of opiate every morning or start going withdrawals again, i still haven’t bought my laptop back from the pawn shop, and I am the best marauder/sentinel on my server (The Swiftsure).

Bring on the ladies

Congrats, you’ve earned it:

Really? Do you know where you’ll be moving to?

I’m going back to Chicago…gettin’ my MBA at me old alma mater, which means two more years of delaying adulthood and frivolous relationships with undergrads!

No no no, it’s ‘going back to Miami’ and ‘sweet home Chicago’. Two different things.

Cool. Will you be showing up at Freshman orientation and being the skeezy grad student then?
A friend of mine is going to be moving to Chicago next semester, he just got a job at Northwestern. ^^

Lol Zepp! You were the first to complain about this thread going off topic… but in the end it’s you that brought it off topic! xD