A story by me

EDIT: fixed most of the spelling and grammer mistakes I made. Also made it easier to write part two by changing the last paragraph slightly. just tweaked it a bit.

When I was first designing my main rping character I made a little story about an adventurer it might have had. It was a half-hearted effort that I gave up, but I’ve now decided to finish it.

<center><p><u><b>The Tale of Magnus</b></u>

<p><i>“This better be the place this time”</i>, The man thought to himself as he approached the door of the sixth public house he had visited that night. It was after midnight now, a very dark and cold time in the autumn season. <i>“If the merc isn’t in this one I’m going back to the inn, if only to warm up.”</i>, The man thought to himself with a quick touch of his pointed elvish ears. For elf he was as any half-wit would notice, for like any elf he was fair of face, hair, and figure, and touching his ears had become an unconscious habit of his during his time in these human lands. But that time would soon be over if he found the person he sought tonight.</p>
<p>Comforted by the thought of returning to elven lands, he pushed open the door to another smoky room filled with the music of performing bards on a stage in the middle of the room and the laughter of half drunk men, trying to get the attentions of the scurrying barmaids that payed them no heed but a quick smile from some and an annoyed stare from others. The elf once again fought the urge to gag for the sixth time tonight.<i> “Such filth these humans live in. It’s amazing they aren’t all striken with a fatal disease.”</i>, thought the elf.</p>
<p>Almost as soon as he entered the pub he found the one he sought, sitting at a table in the far left corner, its back to the excitement of the room. There sat the fabled ‘perfect mercenary’ Pink Lugia, with long pink hair that nearly touched the floor, flowing over a shadowy grey cloak that seemed to move as if it was in a light wind.</p>
<p>The elf hid a quick smile of triumph, possibly the first smile that had crossed his face since his departure from elvish lands. After reigning in his happiness, for he had once heard it was never wise to talk to a merc with a face that showed a stupid smile of glee, he walked sowly, over to the far table were the strange mercenery sat.</p>
<p>“Excuse me Miss, but are you Pink Lugia?”, inquired the elf after refusing a drink from a passing barmaid.</p>
<p>“Call me ‘Miss’ again and you’ll find yourself without your pointed ears. But yes, my name is Pink Lugia.” replied the pink haired merc in a voice that seemed to be too low pitched for a women yet to light for a man. The one called Pink turned around slightly in its chair to view its visitor. “Have a seat my fair faced friend and tell me what you want.”</p>
<p>The elf had to keep his mouth closed with an effort. The person in front of him was one of the strangest he had seen in all his travels. To say th least, Pink was most peculiar to look at. With facial features that showed qualities of both a man or a woman, and armor that hide any other distinguishing features, the only gender word that could be applied to such a person was an ‘It’. The elf realized he had spent too much time starring at the strange mercenary, and quickly withdrew his gaze and at down. “I am Teleri Telemar and I, I” he stammered slightly, unsure of how to ask his question, “And I would like to hire you for a mission.” he spit out, slightly rushed. “A mission for you, and any other friends of yours that would help.” he added, now resuming looking and again being surprised by this peculiar person to see its eyes shifting colours right before him.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to be so shy about asking me, Mister Teleri Telemar. I don’t bite.” The pink haired merc said, now taking a drink from a large mug of ale that had previously sat on the table, unnoticed by the elf. “And I may be able to get some friends to help, but that, and the price, will really all depend on what the mission is.” Pink said, putting its mug back down on the two-person table. “Well elf-boy? What is your mission?”</p>
<p>“I would like your help in taking the Elvish Kingdom of Magnus away from the Dark Elves that now rule it.” Teleri said, with a touch of anger in his voice from being treated like an immature boy by this, this, MERC! The indignity of it all. <i>“Don’t be hasty. Don’t let your anger get out of hand. This mercenary and its friends may be the only hope for Magnus.” </i> Teleri repeats over and over in his head, trying to maintain calm.</p>
<p>“Taking back the Elvish Kingdom of Magnus. You must be crazy. Me and my friends are good, but not good enough to take out an army of Dark Elves.” pink says, its voice now hushed as it looks around to see if anyone overheard the elf sitting at its table.</p>
<p>“I don’t ask you to fight an army. I ask you to get me to the city and help me overthrow the Dark Elves in power. It will be more of a diplomatic legal battle than war, but I seek protection from the elements in getting there, and the assasins when I have arrived. But I just need to get there and help my people who suffer under the rule of our evil counterparts.” whispered Teleri, agreeing with the merc that such conversation could be dangerous. The Dark Elves had more spies than they needed, and they could be anywhere.</p>
<p>Pink fell silent for a moment. Supposively the Dark Elves had come upon the great elf Kingdom of Magnus by a blood line battle that had insued after the King was poisoned. Most suspected that the Dark Elves were the ones responsible for the poisoning, but since no evidence was found, one of their princes with the closest relationship to the former King had taken the throne. This new King had then brought a multitude of dark elves into the kingdom, and basically enslaved all of the Light Elves with new laws. He then cut trade routes of great importance to other Light Elf Kingdoms and thrived by trading with the Dark Elf Kingdoms, corrupt human provinces, and even orc lands. “I’ll think about it.” Pink said finally, finishing its ale and getting up. “Meet me here tomorrow night at the same time and we will discuss it more thourghly, including the price.” With that, Pink dropped several shining mithril coins onto the table, and swiftly left the pub, leaving Teleri in the suspence of a unfinished deal.

That’s part one. criticism please.

Pretty good. In one chapter you’ve managed to introduce the main characters (while still keeping a lot of mysteries about one of them) AND set up the mission. The whole Pink deal throws one off, but I suspect that is intentional… unless pink-haired people are common in this world (anime influence?) there should be a story behind it (and Lugia’s androginy.) However you have certainly stablished that “it” is not to be taken lightly. Good work.

My favorite bit is that the “rescue the kingdom” mission is more believable than in most fantasies… and, you CAN wring a great story out of diplomatic action… heck, many such events DID happen in real life. History was not just about violent shifts in power… especially in the middle ages, where corruption was rampant.

The only thing that ruined the narrative were the (few) gramatical errors. Nothing you can’t easily fix. Also, I would’ve added more dramatic pauses (when Lugia announced it would “think about it” for example) but that’s your call.

All in all, not bad. Hope you continue it.


Originally posted by Videospirit

Ultra Gooooishness… Sweet…

Errors. I thought a few slipped through my careful eyes. I just can’t see them. but thank you for the great reveiws. It was only the other day that I found this half finished and remembered that I stopped, considered that it was rubbish. Now If I can only find the time to write chapter two. shrining, rping, real life, bugging 984 for the mailbag.