A Detective Story

Okay people. I REALLY need opinions about this. Because, this will be my first take on humour. It’s called “A Detective Story”.

Day One:The Beginning Of The Case

Tape #1, Day 1, Case 1

As luck had it, one night, Balamb Garden shook with with a scream that blasted everyone’s eardrums open. The scream remained unidentified, until the pack of wild heroes who were formerly known as Squall, Rinoa, Quistis and Zell heard the scream.

They identified it to be the scream of Selphie Tilmitt. A scream that rocked their eardrums as if they were drum kits of Limp Bizkit’s standart concert equipment!

“MY LUCKY SOCKS!!!” Selphie screamed.

Selphie’s door was kicked open and led inside a thing that looked like a huge pile of human beings, absorbed into oblivion into a systemical anomaly that crushed down THE SYSTEM!!!

“What?” Selphie managed to ask as the pile shook and humans emerged from it. What Selphie saw was even more shocking.

It was Rinoa without a bra and shoes, Squall with his pants down and his mid-riff furry jacket half-on, Zell without anything on top of his boxer shorts, and Quistis with the top of her dress zipped right off.

After a moment of confusion, everyone saw that Selphie didn’t have her socks on.

“What the hell was that scream!?” Zell asked.
“My lucky socks are-“Selphie started,
“Zell, zip this dress up!” Quistis yelled.
“Zip it up yourself!” Zell replied, casually.
“Rinoa, let me go!” Squall said, as he was trying to pull his pants back on.
“Oh come on, Squall! Don’t be suck a jerk!”
“I’m not- a jerk!?”
“MY SOCKS!”Selphie screamed
“THE ZIPPER, YOU MORON!”Quistis yelled,
“UP YOUR NOSE!” Zell shouted.
“A JERK!?” Squall shouted.
“A JERK!!?!?!?!”

“Have no fear.” Came a familiar voice from the door, “Kinneas is here.”

The awkward pile of piteous… I mean, humans, turned to the door to see Irvine Kinneas wearing his regular clothes, but with a pipe casually standing between his fingers.

Irvine inhaled the the pipe’s smoke with his cooooolmaaaaaan attitude on. He then looked at them.

“Detective Kinneas is here to help you, ladies and gentlemen. Now, what is the case?”
“A JERK!?”
“Jerk? Jerk as in a verb, or an adjective?” Irvine asked, curiously.

“I need some briefing, if you can, please.” Irvine said.

And that pulled the trigger.

“My socks have disappeared-“
“This dress needs to be zipped up-“
“Can’t reach out to grab my-“
“A jerk!?”
“You see, Squall and I were making out when-“
“I looked everywhere, I mean, they can’t-“
“Cause I look stupid the way this dress-“
“My pants! My pants! My kingdom for my pants!”
“A JERK!?”
“That girl walked straight in-“
“A JERK!?!?!?”

“Calm down.” Idio- I mean, Irvine told them, still keeping on his suave mask. He inhaled another cloud of smoke.

“Ms.Tilmitt, what has happened?” Irvine asked, while taking out a recorder.
“My lucky socks have disappeared!” Selphie shouted.
Irvine pressed on the red button labelled as “Nuclear Miss-“, I mean, “Record”.

“Day One, Tape One, Case One, Underwear One.” Irvine said.

“My lucky socks are gone! I think someone might’ve stolen them!” Selphie said.
“Any suspicions?”
“You know, Zell did tell me they looked nice on-“
“A JERK!?”Squall asked.
“I want.” Irvine said, “Everyone in this room but this ‘Zell’ person out.”

As Squall got his pants, Selphie got her regular socks, Quistis gathered her dress together, Rinoa didn’t get anything, Irvine pointed to the door with his pipe.

The pile of stupid beings that was- I mean, our heroes got out and the door slammed shut behind them.

“I can’t believe he just did that.” Squall exclaimed to Rinoa.
“Squall, I can’t believe many things,” Rinoa said, “And all of them are about you. Now get your pants and let’s go.”

They walked to their everyday lives.

Irvine inhaled a breath from his pipe as Zell with only his boxer shorts on, stood there. He then shot him a look of a falcon… No wait, there are no falcons in their world. Let’s name it a Cockatrice then.

“So, Mr.Zell.” Irvine said, “Where were you at the night of questioning?”
“We are in the night of questioning, genious!”
“I know.” Irvine said, shooting Zell that look again.

Irvine inhaled another breath.

“So do you seem to have strange interests such as Selphie’s lucky socks on your large, size 14 feet!?”
“The socks just looked cool, that’s just about i-“
“A-HA!!!” Irvine screamed, “I KNEW IT! YOU ARE THE THIEF!”
“Hold on, Sherlock.” Zell said, “I just liked the socks, that’s it! I wasn’t planning to put them on or anything sick, got that?”
“So you deny that you have been seen with one of Selphie’s thongs?”
“Hey, how can you know it?”
“A-HA!!!” Irvine screamed, “This was a trick question. I didn’t.”
“Oh, man!” Zell exclaimed as he sighed, thinking about what his reputation for being a rapper would become.

“Day One, Case One, Tape One, Thong One.” Irvine said to the recorder.

“My interrogation of Zell Dincht has been a tricky one. He might be an evil genious to plot the thieving of Selphie’s lucky socks. On a further footnote, he was seen with her thongs. He may be the main suspect.”

“Well, Mr.Zell.” Irvine said, “I will be seeing you, again.”

He then got out of the room, still inhaling his pipe. He left a really angry chicken-wuss, I mean, Zell behind.

But chicken-wusses, I mean, people like chicken-wu… ZELL, was taking an oath for revenge after the thing with the thong got clear to the surface.

So, what do you think?

I take it as everyone saw it as a piece of crap that’s not even worth posting an opinion for?

No its just no one is on right now really. It looks good.

no one is one right now??? Okay…

Thank you for posting an opinion Ramza.

Fixed. And by the way this was funny like you intended it to be.

It’s bizzarre beyond the capability of words to describe.

Demigod, I take it as something good? Like a compliment?

Ya know, for some reason I thought I had read and commented on this already, but now I see that wasn’t the case -_-;; I see I might be wanting to consider a vacation when I mess things up like that.

Well, here we go now. The idea is very funny and I smirked a lot at the situations in the plot, though I think that this part:

“It was Rinoa without a bra and shoes, Squall with his pants down and his mid-riff furry jacket half-on, Zell without anything on top of his boxer shorts, and Quistis with the top of her dress zipped right off.”

… was a little “under-the-belt” joking, though what followed from it was hilarious. Could you rework that a little bit though?

Originally posted by Joker Loire Of The Turks
Demigod, I take it as something good? Like a compliment?

Yeah, it’s pretty good. A little confusing though. A couple of things might do well with a bit more explanation, like the pile of humanity. Unless that’s something that ought not be described…

okies. It doesn’t have any other under-the-belt joking except where Irvine kills Quistis’ boyfriend when they were kissing as he thought she was under attack, and gets kicked in the right spot.

I’ll try to change it but Squall, Zell and Quistis must stay the same for the sake of the following sentences.

Now day two.

Tape#1:The Paradox Of Lost Socks

Day:2, Case:1, Irritated Enemies:1

The morning came bitter for Selphie, who was still in the shock of her lost socks. She missed them. To see the cute lil chicobo glaring back at her eyes gave her joy. And now, someone had taken it away.

But thanks to that over-rated Sherlock Holm… Irvine, I mean, Selphie knew her lost socks would be found. And that justice would be served to those who had their lives for the blindness of the storms that went over us like SWARMING LIKE LOCUSTS! AAAAAA!

Phew, after the author has calmed down, Irvine got his pipe, his tape recorder and got to the breeze of Balamb Garden.

“Record. Day Two, Case One, Tape One, Pipe Two. I, as Irvine Kinneas, the great detective, am working on the lost socks of Selphie. Let’s name it. ‘The Paradox Of Lost Socks’. Nice.”

And as that idi-Irvine, agreed that was a good title, which was corny as hell, he shot out another Cockatrice look to the Balamb Garden.

The look screamed, “Who’s your daddy? Yeah, wait! Not Keanu Reeves! Me!”

Irvine got to the sun while sweating under his ridiculous trenchcoat’s furriness, he was searching for new victims. He spotted a group of Triple Triad groupies. They were also Trepies. So they were Trepe Groupies, according to Irvine’s understanding.

He went over to them and got out his little revolver.

“Hey you there! FREEZE!” he said as he lunged at them. The poor people were scared, naturally, and then, they jumped up screaming “Yikes!” and a pair of socks came down from one of the players’ hands.
“A-HA!!!” Irvine screamed with a triumphant smile, “I knew it! CAUGHT IN THE ACT!!!” He screamed while pointing the revolver at his head.

“I swear it-“the poor cadet began as Irvine pressed the barrel harder against his forehead,
“What’s going on there!?” came Squall’s voice.

The lone wolf jumped into the scene with the agility of a lone wolf, the stupidity of a lone wolf, the everything of a lone wolf.

As Irvine let go of the cadet, he whispered, “Watch your back from now on, sucker.”

“Irvine, what’s going on here?” Squall asked.
“Day Two, Tape One, Failed Investigation Two.” Irvine said to his recorder. He then turned to Squall.

“Mr.Squall, can you tell me where you were at the night of questioning?” he asked.
“Not in Selphie’s room!”
“A-HA!!!” Irvine shouted, “So you knew where Selphie’s room was, didn’t you?”
“Look, Irvine, cut the crap or I-“
“Answer the question.”
“I got authority on you.” Squall said with a sadistical grin.
“Not anymore.” Irvine smiled.
“What?” Squall asked.

Irvine took out a piece of crumbled paper and shoved it into Squall’s eye(ouch!).

“What?” Squall read, “I, Headmaster Cid Kramer, Order Of Merlin, First Class, hereby, give Irvine Kinneas the right to interrogate every cadet or SeeD known to the Balamb Garden authorities, on his investigation of Selphie Tilmitt’s Lost Socks.”

“So, Mr.Squall.” Irvine said, inhaling yet another breath from his Hynedamnable pipe.
“Whatever.” Squall replied.
“Mr.Leonhart is giving me tricky answers as if I was asking rhetorical questions to him. This is strange indeed.”

Irvine inhaled a lazy sip out of his pipe(OVER WITH THE PIPE!!!).

“So Mr.Squall, do you have such claimings as Selphie’s lucky socks represented a sub-conscious object you might’ve had due to your traumatized childhood and the stupid imaginations your idiot brain might’ve had, ergo, leading to an escalating probability of disaster itself!?”

Squall’s mouth dropped open.

“No reply.” Irvine said to his lover, that is, his recorder clutched in his lover, I mean, hand.

“May-maybe.” Squall replied, with an irritated and confused look on his face.
“A-HA!!!” Irvine screamed, poking Squall in the eye with the pipe.
“A-HA what? I didn’t say anything. I was just saying I didn’t know where Selphie’s socks were.”
“But you said-“
“I only said maybe to all those things you said.”
“You didn’t say what I wanted you to say!” Irvine said with a disappointment in his voice.
“If I said what you wanted me to say, then I would’ve said what you wanted and expected me to say, and saying that would be like putting you to a-“
“Do me a favor, Mr.Squall. Don’t speak.” Irvine said, as he inhaled a breath of smoke.

“’Paradox Of The Lost Socks’ Day 2, Tape 1, Rhetorical Answer 1.” Irvine said to the recorder, and he added,

“My investigation with Mr.Leonhart went not as it was planned. I know he’s hiding something behind that sinister smile of his. I know his smile hides the socks of Selphie, which, with a little amount of doubt rests in his closet.”

“Mr.Leonhart, is it true that you’re a Lone Wolf?”
“Yes.” Squall said, taking a step back.
“And that you are a good commander?” Irvine said, taking a step forward.
“Yes…” Squall replied…
“And that you have access to every room in this Garden, any time of the day?”
“A-HA!!!” Irvine almost screamed, pointing at him, “THERE IT IS! YOUR CONFESSION!”
“I just said I could go into any place!” Squall said.
“OH, SHUT UP ALREADY!!!” Squall snapped, “I’m not-“

Irvine took out his revolver and pushed it to Squall’s forehead.

“Confess it!”
“Get out of here you moron!” Squall shouted, “And put that thing away before you actually shoot someone!”

Irvine slipped the gun back to it’s holster and then shot Squall a Cockatrice look.

“This isn’t over yet.” He said.

As Irvine went over to the cafeteria to hit on some girls, Squall was left behind.

With plans of revenge already forming in his mind.