Yet Another Retrospective: Spider-Man on television

The Core Media Forum
#17

<b>Chapter Four: Spider-Man: The 1977 Live Action Series</b>

Way back in the 1970s, CBS had no less than three superhero shows. The first was Wonder Woman, which premiered for a poor first season on ABC before being picked up by the other network. The third was the legendary Incredible Hulk series, which premiered in TV movie format in 1977 and became a regular series in 1978. The bastard middle child of the lot has to be Spider-Man’s stab at a television action series, an attempt so disastrously horrid in execution that Stan “The Man” Lee has vocally expressed his displeasure! And the bastard LOVES the Japanese show!

I’m not going to spend much time on this show, not only because my accessible episodes can be counted on one hand (it has never been released on DVD, and all VHS copies went out of print in the early 1990s), but because it’s a really, REALLY bad show.

First off, you know those lovely supporting characters, like Aunt May, JJJ, Mary Jane, Gwen Stacy, Joe Robertson, etc.? Well, forget about everyone but the first two, because THEY ARE NOT IN THE SHOW. I mean, I can understand axing the last two (even though Joe apparently showed up in the pilot but nowhere else), but why didn’t they include Mary Jane? It’s not like she’s some minor character in an obscure issue; she’s one of the most important characters in the comics! And don’t get me started on their Jameson! He’s gone from a Spider-Man-hating media tyrant to a rough-but-good-natured grandfather! Such blasphemy cannot be allowed!

The show starred Nick Hammond as Peter Parker, and he actually wasn’t bad <i>when he was playing Peter Parker.</i> The Peter of this show was similar to George Reeve’s famous portrayal of Clark Kent; a tough, inquisitive, go-to action of a man, while also mild mannered enough to throw people off the trail. Even when he’s forced to wear a YELLOW JACKET for almost every scene, Hammond does show some acting skills.

Then they dress him up as Spider-Man. And the whole show goes straight down the crapper.

The Spider-Man costume in this show is HORRENDOUS! The basic design is similar, but the shape of Hammond’s body, coupled with some extremely questionable design decisions, makes the thing look dumber than Galactus in the second Fantastic Four movie. It seems the producers didn’t think anyone could see through white fabric, so they replaced Spider-Man’s eyes with what are either empty holes or plastic; I can’t really tell. Spider-Man’s webshooters are combined into a bracelet, much like the Japanese Spider-Man; however, the bracelet does nothing else, so…how does he justify lugging that giant thing around? Especially since, half the time, it doesn’t show HOW he hid his costume; he might be shirtless in a prison cell one scene, and then escaping in full Spider-Man garb the next! The whole thing looks so ridiculous, I feel the urge to hunt down whoever made this thing and kill them. Hold on, I need some pills.

Ah, much better. Anyway, the episodes, much like those of Wonder Woman and the Incredible Hulk, rarely involve any superpowered threat; instead, Spidey faces off against common goons, burglars, thieves, insurance scams, etc. And since he wouldn’t splatter people when he punches them (unlike the Hulk), he was allowed to use the full extent of his horribly clumsy acrobatic moves against everyone he came across. This meant the show’s villains would be dealt with in about five minutes, if the writers hadn’t padded the remaining forty with incredibly pointless dialog, extensive chase scenes, and more padding than an entire season of Dragonball Z.

This leads to the show’s biggest fault: it’s simply BORING. The few episodes I’ve seen have nearly driven me into a boredom-induced coma. Never before has so little been happening for so long. It’s so incredibly mind-numbing, I want to hunt down whoever made this and kill them…AND their families. Hold on, I need more pills.

two dozen pill bottles, a night in Vegas, and numerous car-related hijinks later

Ugh…what happened? Oh yeah, we were talking about <i>that</i> show. Well, it’s done. At last, everything is finished. There’s no way things could get any worse…

Next time: Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends OR It Gets Worse

#18

pops in again Huh? Spider-Man the live action sh-actually watches an episode OH MY GOD!!! MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP!!!runs away from the show Holy crap, that was horrible. I thought my eyes were going to melt off my face!

I have one thing to say to the person that created this monstrosity. FUCK YOU!!!

#19

If I remember correctly, the eyes of Spider-Man’s mask in the American show were made out of wire. Made him look like he was going to fencing class. :thud:

Thankfully I remember next to nothing about this show, other than the awful costume, and how boring it was. Where was Doctor Octopus???

I’d much rather watch Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends (and I did.) :stuck_out_tongue: Hey, it gave us Firestar, at the least!

Have faith, d, things will get better as the reviews progress. I especially want to hear your thoughts on Spectacular Spider-Man; at first this show annoyed me, but since then they’ve come up with some neat twists.

#20

And in the next episode of RPGC Task Force: Galloway ups Mabatsekker’s drunken antics at getting wasted WITH PILLS!

I remember watching the live-action spidey movie from the 70’s… I remember it being rather boring, except when Spider-sense was in place: It showed Peter THE FUTURE instead of just being a tingle. And the webshooting was PSHW~hoa, the villains are netted up!

#21

And the train kept a’ rollin…all night long… (God damn third solo.)

<b>Chapter Five: Spidey in the 80s</b>

There were two Spider-Man shows that premiered in 1981: a syndicated Spider-Man cartoon, and the NBC series Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends. The former really has nothing worth mentioning; it was just Spider-Man fighting generic foes. In fact, it felt like a slightly more modern version of the 1967 series…only with even worse animation, terrible plotlines, horrid music, and totally devoid of anything resembling quality. Hence, we’re not covering it in detail. Even <i>I</i> have standards.

Instead, let’s focus on Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends, one of the most well-known of the many Spidey shows, and certainly one of the most successful ratings-wise. In this cartoon, Peter Parker was still your average dopey college student by day, and wise-cracking web slinger by night. However, he was also joined by the “amazing friends” of the title: the X-Men Iceman and Firestar.

Really. Iceman and Firestar? Those are his incredible friends? I’ll admit I don’t know a whole lot about Firestar (she was never with the X-Men when I was reading their comics), but Iceman always struck me as lame. He may have been able to control ice, but his REAL reason for existing was to provide comic relief. And when your title character is THE superhero known for shooting off one-liners and making jokes every time he’s in mortal danger, do you really need ANOTHER jokester? And from what I’ve seen, Firestar does damn near jack crap during the show’s run; just like every other female superhero, her main job is to be kidnapped repeatedly so the male heroes can save her. If the show was aimed at an older audience, she would have been shoved in the fridge within five minutes.

The show was just as formulaic as ever; however, this time Marvel utilized their vast pool of heroes, villains, and other characters. The show felt similar in concept to the Spidey Super Stories comics, albeit without any edutainment; it was little more than a means of introducing young viewers to Marvel’s characters, so they would buy the comics. As a result, the writing quality was extremely low, and the animation budget even more so. This was very much your standard 1980s Saturday Morning Cartoon in every way.

I’m going to mention two shows in particular, because they highlight many of my problems with the series. The first was a guest appearance by the X-Men. Since Firestar and Iceman both got their starts with that group, it was only fitting that the two (plus Web-Head) would drop by for a visit. However, some half-man, half-machine that Firestar dated once (and accidentally TURNED INTO a half-man, half-machine) hacks into Cerebro (which is now controlling THE ENTIRE X-MANSION FOR SOME FUCKING REASON), tries to trap and kill Firestar and Spider-Man in the Danger Room, and then proceeds to use the mansion’s many deathtraps to capture the heroes.

The show had the current X-Men lineup. There was Professor Xavier, Cyclops, Storm, Kitty Pride, Colossus, Thunderbird, Nightcrawler- wait, THUNDERBIRD? For those that don’t know (which is pretty much everyone besides Wil and myself), Thunderbird was a founding member of the second X-Men team. However…he was killed after three issues. THREE. FUCKING. ISSUES. And he was NEVER revived; as of 2008, he, like Generalismo Francisco Franco, is STILL DEAD. And who was missing from that lineup? Why, WOLVERINE of course! If they’re just pulling a lineup out of their asses, why not INCLUDE THE MOST POPULAR X-MAN OF ALL TIME! To make matters worse, Thunderbird doesn’t even have his comic powers; whereas he used to just have strength and speed, now he can turn into ANIMALS! Hold on, I need some tequila.

Okay, I’m back. The episode, of course, ends with Firestar saving everyone (after a trip through the “Maze of Madness.” Did the mansion ever have anything LIKE THAT?). The mechanical man is repentant, and everyone is happy. The lesson? Never give up.

The second episode features numerous guest appearances from other Marvel heroes. The Chameleon, Spidey’s oldest supervillain, decides to take out the seven heroes that could potentially screw over his plans. To do this, he invites all seven to his luxurious castle, where he proceeds to capture, impersonate, and eliminate them one by one. And who are these heroes? Why, they are Spider-Man, Firestar, Iceman, Captain America, Namor, Doctor Strange, and Shanna the She-Devil. (Um…harsh name, Marvel?)

First off, why these specific seven? I can understand Spider-Man at least; he has foiled your plans in the past. However, why pick, of all people, Namor and Shanna? The former is such an emo and racist that he won’t bother you if you don’t bother him, and the latter is living in the fricking Antarctic. (Or…I think. I dunno, I never really read that much with Shanna.) And how do you intend to actually stop the Sorcerer Supreme and the very symbol of a patriotic superhero? That leads to our next problem; the Chameleon can ALSO COPY THE POWERS OF WHOEVER HE IMPERSONATES. This is COMPLETELY opposite of the comics, where he basically just played dress-up. Granted, he could possibly simulate some of their powers (much like Mysterio in his first appearance), but how can he copy heroes like FIRESTAR?!

His ultimate plan is to use distrust to separate the heroes. However, the Spider-Friends brought along Aunt May’s ugly, distasteful, annoying dog. I hate that thing so fucking much. The dog immediately sniffs out each of the Chameleon’s disguises, before beind dumped down a trap door. Of course, by then, Spider-Man has saved everyone, and they all escape before the entire Island explodes. And of course, they save the damn dog. I REALLY hate that dog.

So, in conclusion, the show was pretty awful, at least to this humble viewer. Still, we’re coming into my childhood now, so things will be great!

…

“Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.”

Next time: The 90s Spider-Man shows. Mommy, hold me.

#22

You know, I remember enjoying the 90’s animated Spiderman, but looking back, it certainly seemed to move… a bit too fast, for each episode.

#23

Actually, d, Firestar WAS invented for this show; in fact, originally the flaming Friend was supposed to be The Human Torch, but the rights to adapt the character were tied up somewhere, so they made up Firestar instead. I think it was better that way; having yet another wisecracking guy on the team would’ve been boring. (Firestar was introduced in the comics after the TV series.)

Thunderbird is indeed still dead, though that’s most likely because they replaced him with his younger brother. (Marvel NEVER allows a name trademark to escape them; if the character isn’t currently being used for whatever reason (such as being DEAD) they will invent another one with the same name, regardless of the similarity. (I think they’ve had… FOUR “Spider-Womans” by now!) And I wonder if Wolverine was not used for similar reasons to Human Torch’s.

Shanna was originally living in Africa, but moved to the Antarctic Savage Land when she married Ka-Zar the Savage.

And the dog’s name was “Ms. Lion”. Hey, I can’t stand her either, but let’s provide the correct data here! (And at least she wasn’t a %^&*ing flying, supposedly cute robot- yes, I’m staring at you, H.E.R.B.I.E.!!)

The reviews are still fun, Gallo. Keep bringing them on!!

#24

I vaguely remember seeing one or two episodes of Spiderman and his friends. I don’t remember anything about them other than them having Spiderman and Iceman, shows you how much they must have left an impression on me.

But now we are getting into my childhood, with the 90’s Spiderman. Can’t wait to see what you have to say about them d.

#25

Actually d, I am one of those few super Marvel fans that remembers Thunderbird(I have a bunch of official stuff on Marvel and I’ve read a shiat load of the official Marvel website on my off-time). He was killed off because of some shiat that he was too much of an arsehole.

Yes, Namor is the uber emo/rascist, but he has had his moments of none emo and/or rascism(i.e.:when he lost his memory and was eventually found by the Human Torch in a bar).

I agree with Wil on the Wolverine issue. And to say this, I actually enjoyed Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends(probably because I’ve actually watched the live action Batman series, which was so bad it was fragging hilarious XD ). Also, I saw one episode recently where Spidey had to somehow beat Sandman when Sandman had figured out who he was(he won by having Flash dress up as him and having Sandman see Flash and him in civilian clothes together).

#26

'Ere we go!

<b>Chapter Six: Running in the 90s: Spider-Man and Spider-Man Unlimited</b>

Before I begin, I’d like to clarify somethings. The first show we’re covering was one of my absolute favorites growing up. There wasn’t a single weekday afternoon or Saturday morning that I wasn’t sitting in the living room, bowl of Fruit Loops in hand, to watch the latest spine-tingling adventure of our favorite web crawler. That being said, I’m now ready to tear this shit a new one, because I now realize how much it sucks.

After the immense success of Marvel’s X-Men series, Fox obviously was interested in bringing in yet another franchise. And what better choice than Marvel’s signature superhero? To make things even sweeter, that Spider-Man movie was just around the corner, and the show could work perfectly well as a continuation of the sweet events in the film. (Of course, that ended up slipping back into development hell for almost another decade.) And thus, Spider-Man premiered on the Fox Kids programming block on November 19, 1994. So, what went wrong? A lot, mostly thanks to fucking Fox.

First off, Fox’s censorship policies had spiked dramatically since the days X-Men premiered. In addition to the traditional stupid rules (lasers instead of guns, nobody dies), there were a whole ARMY of seemingly nonsensical rules. Spider-Man could no longer punch his foes; while he could swill swing into them, tie them up with webs, push them away, or perform any number of other dangerous actions, he couldn’t actually PUNCH them. That…just seems a little nonsensical. Hell, Fox outlined a rule that Spider-Man <b>SPIDER-MAN COULD NOT HARM ANY PIGEONS WHEN HE LANDED ON ROOFTOPS!</b> What kind of thinking went into this? Did they really think they would have Spider-Man go on a pigeon-killing rampage in a kid’s show?

Second off, Fox wanted everyone to know the show was <i>theirs.</i> It wasn’t a Marvel property, it was a Fox Network program that happened to be produced by Fox. They had the last say on EVERYTHING that went on. To be fair, it was their network, and they were liable for any lawsuits or legal troubles that may come up, but by all accounts, the whole thing was a tyrannical lordship.

Third off, the animation was horrible. The show was rife with continuity errors, sloppy art, and even worse effects. And that’s not including the many editing mistakes; in one particular instance, a whole SEQUENCE was aired out of order, meaning the show felt like A-B-E-D-C-F. Although the acting was beyond excellent, and certainly at a high level for the era, it was still sad to see just how poorly this show’s production values have aged.

Still, this wasn’t completely horrible. Much like the X-Men series, many storylines were directly ripped from the comics. Although there were numerous alterations, many of the franchises’ greatest story arcs were adapted. There was also considerable emphasis placed on character development, especially in regards to Peter and Mary Jane’s relationship. Also notably, this show skipped over Spider-Man’s origins until a brief flashback in the third season. Although this might seem like a loss, it actually turned out to be a good thing; Spider-Man was already established as a superhero, meaning there was less time needed for exposition and more time for action.

And of course, this was the first series with my absolute favorite villain, Venom. His premiere was not only perfectly executed, but also managed to keep the character intact. Now, Carnage also showed up much later, but he was so mangled due to excessive censorship, I have to ask the same question I did with the Punisher: why bother? And of course, they kill him off by sucking him through a portal, a theme we’ll touch on again later.

The first season featured more or less stand-alone episodes, aside from the opening three-parter (which pitted Spidey against the infamous Spider-Slayers and Kingpin). However, the second to fourth season focused on season-long story arcs, an idea that would probably be more epic…if they actually could keep their focus for more than five seconds. The worst example was the second season, Neogenic Nightmare. The premise was that Spider-Man was mutating, becoming an actual spider-human hybrid. Over the course of the season, he stops yet another attempt to destroy all mutants, fights the Punisher, turns into the Man-Spider, gets involved in a gang war for the Tablet of Time, and finally gets cured thanks to a deus ex machina, courtesy of the Vulture. Although some of the episodes were pretty good, the whole thing felt like a bunch of individual stories strung together by a <i>very</i> loose thread.

Unfortunately, Fox started to clamp down hard, due to severe changes in management. This lead to the disastrous last season. At the end of season three, Mary Jane and the Green Goblin were sucked into a portal. (This was already covered in the Punisher retrospective, and I have no desire to dwell on it again.) Just before the end of the fourth season, Mary Jane returns, seemingly alive and well, and the two get hitched at the beginning of the fifth. However, after a horribly bad storyline involving Captain America and the Red Skull, Mary Jane turns out to be a <I><b>WATER-BASED CLONE.</b></i>

Yes, let that sink in…sorry, bad pun.

Of course, the show then goes off on a bizarre tangent, with Madame Web first transporting Spider-Man into the Secret Wars. (I will not cover this; my brain hurts enough already.) THEN she sends him across all time and space to stop an alternate universe version of himself, Spider-Carnage, from destroying the multiverse. And after all this, she takes him on a voyage to rescue Mary Jane. The end.

Wait…that’s it? Well, due to Fox’s inept handling of the series, and the two companies butting heads, the show was unceremoniously canceled, with no resolution. There was <i>supposed</i> to be a sixth season, where Spider-Man eventually tracks down Mary Jane and saves her, but that never materialized. And now that the show’s owned by the DVD-hating Disney corporation, we will never see it out in nice, ordered volumes. There’s quite a few stand-alone discs, but even they suffer from cheap transfer issues.

The next show…was a bit of a surprise. Basically, there was plans to create a very different seventh season of Spider-Man, involving a more high-tech version of the webcrawler. This seemed to end when the show was canceled, but that didn’t stop Fox! No, they went ahead with the show, now called “Spider-Man Unlimited.” And then they did nothing to back up the show. Absolutely nothing. No advertising, no press, nothing. They basically dumped it like a crack baby in a back alley dumpster. I didn’t even know this existed until I saw a five-second advert after a Digimon episode, and even then, the whole thing was almost over.

Basically, Spider-Man Unlimited was Spider-Man 2099, down to the nanotech suit and science fiction setting. However, this Spider-Man was still Peter Parker. While watching John Jameson rocket off to the newly-discoverd “Counter-Earth,” Spidey manages to sense Venom and Carnage sneak on board the ship. (Despite both being immune to his Spider-Sense…I can sense a migraine coming.) Of course, Spider-Man rushes in to save the day, but fails miserably, and the rocket is seemingly destroyed. With Spider-Man the most likely suspect, he fakes his own death, and then has Mr. Fantastic make him a nanotech suit.

With his new suit, he steals a ship and rockets off to Counter-Earth. Unfortunately, his ride is destroyed, and he is branded an enemy by the planet’s ruler, the High Evolutionary. He eventually locates John, but he’s helping human rebels fight against the Bestials, half-human half-animal beings created by the Evolutionary. Since he has no way home, Spider-Man starts doing the hero thing in this dark world.

The main problem is, this didn’t feel like Spider-Man. At all. I mean, the High Evolutionary is a Marvel character, and Counter-Earth was in the comics, but THEY WERE NOT INVOLVED IN ANY PART OF THE SPIDER-MAN MYTHOS! In fact, I don’t even remember the “Bestials” in any of the comics, and given how ridiculous they are in the show, I guess that’s a good thing. They basically act like the snooty upper-class of the world, exercising martial law and total domination over the human population. Meanwhile, Spider-Man’s new suit just felt out of place for the character. I mean, I know they were going for a futuristic feel, but it was still pretty ridiculous.

And let’s not start with Venom and Carnage. In the lost season, they apparently lost their hosts, and are now able to function perfectly well without them. In fact, they end up becoming the main villains, working to turn the whole planet into a world of symbiotes. And of course, Spider-Man also manages to hook up their main weakness into his suit, rendering much of their power useless. So…huh.

Needless to say, I just didn’t like this show, and the ending did nothing to help my opinion. It was so rushed, so convoluted, and so open that I wanted to smash my head against a rock. So, all in all, a depressing ending to one of the most forgotten Spider-Man shows of all time.

And that’s the 1990s in a nutshell. I know I missed a lot of ground, but quite frankly, I really need some sleep. At least Spectacular Spider-Man is up next…even if I have to slog through the MTV series to get to it.

#27

I never cared much for the 90’s Spider-man, precisely because of their using so many watered-down versions of classic Marvel stories. Remaking the Death of Gwen Stacy with Mary Jane disappearing through a portal was probably the worst offense.
(That, and Secret Wars. WTF? Though it was funny to see The Beyonder, even if he was markedly different from his “Clueless God” persona in the comics.) About the only thing I liked about the show was their use of Madam Web, an utterly obscure character in the comics.

You know a network has run out of ideas when they throw a character into a new setting to keep the show going (see also: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the future.) But at least the show reused some material from the comics. The whole “Counter Earth” stuff was taken not from Spider-Man comics but from Adam Warlock’s first series, back in the 1970’s (which was actually a Science Fiction retelling of the life of CHRIST! Remind me to tell you that story some other time…) Oh, and the Bestials are just the New Men, longtime creations of the High Evolutionary. While I thought Unlimited had good ideas and art, ultimately it was all over the place.

Once again, thanks for the enjoyable read, d. :slight_smile:

#28

Thanks for the retrospective of one of my favourite childhood shows, has allowed me to see it in a whole new light. And deepen my loathing of Fox.

You know thinking back, I never actually noticed that Spiderman never threw a punch in this. But I do recall the episode, where the parts are out of order. The first time I saw that episode, I thought wait something doesn’t feel right about that, then when I wacthed it again I saw how they had screwed up. (Curse you idiots Fox)

As for Unlimited, I must admit I liked the new nano-suit they gave Spidey, but not much else. That series did just seemed wrong, especially when they could have done something nice with it.

#29

Okay, first I must say, I actually loved that 90s Spider-Man, it’s what got me into comics(Marvel in particular). One thing they did right with it in my opinion was the web-swinging. But other then that the stuff was good for the time period. Now that I’m a Super Marvel Fan I can see that alot of the arcs and that stuff are horribly out of place(like how Venom got to Earth).

On Unlimited, it was nice to look at for me(I was watching less-well done shows like Voltron and Power Rangers). I liked it because I wasn’t one of those psycho fans that can sit down and just enjoy the randomness of a cartoon. But meh, I guess now if I saw it, I would be disappointed with Fox(only good thing they’ve done so far for me is the original Digimon and Beakman’s World).

#30

Sorry, but I have to end this.

MTV Spider-Man: Sucked.

Spectacular Spider-Man: Rocks.

THE END.

I know this is the worst thing I could have possibly done, but I have no motivation for this any longer. This isn’t the end of the retrospectives, but I just don’t want to work on this one any longer. So…sorry.

#31

Boo! Hiss! Burn him!! :ark:

Actually, d, I know how you feel, I’ve found myself running out of steam on long projects as well. At least I still want badly to get back to my comics retrospective but, my life being what it is, I wound up getting dragged to work by my best friend/boss right after getting over the flu. This resulted in my coming home late and drained. But, I think I have the rest of the week off, so hopefully I will continue my article now.

And hey, just because you don’t feel like talking about the last Spidey cartoons now doesn’t mean you won’t later! In the meanwhile, I’ll toss a few comments for you:

MTV Spider-Man: CGI, Spidey voiced by the guy who used to play Doogie Houser MD. Not impressed.

Sensational Spider-Man: At first it annoyed me with its character designs (everybody looks dorky!) and its annoying “Look how current we are” use of every modern fad imaginable. HOWEVER, it grew on me later, thanks to some really clever re-telling of classic Spider-Man stories. Their version of the separation of Peter and the Venom symbiote has to be THE best they have ever done; having Uncle Ben’s memory show up to help Peter during the mental battle was a stroke of genius. May actually be the best Spidey cartoon ever.

In any case: Thank you for a very interesting (and inspiring) article, Galloway! :slight_smile:

#32

You mean Neil Patrick Harris? Don’t diss him, least not until you’ve seen Dr. Horrible.

#33

Hmmm had the Spectacular Spiderman recommended to be by a mate ages ago, final getting around to checking it out.

Must agree with you will the designs do look a little different, but it seems to be pretty good from what I’ve seen so far. Can’t wait to get up to the venom stuff, to see what it’s like.

#34

I was liking Spectacular the moment I saw a cameo of the Gargoyles. Needs me to watch some mores.

#35

All I have to say about most of this stuff, especially the Japanese one, can be summed up by Captain Picard.

#36

Well said, Manus. Well said.

On that note, were those people on drugs when they came up with some of this stuff? Sometimes I wonder…