Yet Another Retrospective: Sonic the Hedgehog (comics)

The Core Media Forum
#35

Yesh, this one is long. Sorry for the fortress of text.

MONK AND HUNTER

The next storyline starts with an Overlander killing a sentient bird with a sniper rifle. So yes, after so many issues of relief, we’re back to the “humans are pure evil” shtick. Meanwhile, Monk, a giant purple gorilla, manages to hook up with the Floating Island. Turns out he was once a resident of the island, where he was Knuckles’ typical grade school bully. You know, the kind of bully that doesn’t really exist in real life, the one that would rather give you temporary physical pain rather than psychologically scar you for life and leave you a ruined husk like me. Despite being a genetically-engineered superechidna infused with an all-cosmic force, Knuckles is nothing more than a pathetic wimp at eight years old, getting his butt kicked by a purple gorilla over and over again. That is, until the Brotherhood decides to tie up him and hurl him into the ocean. Now THAT’S a proportionate response!

Of course, once Monk runs into Knuckles again, he starts to get his ass kicked…just before the overlander from before shows up to taze Monk. His name is, appropriately enough, Hunter, and he flies around in his spherical aircraft hunting and killing Mobians for sport. Needless to say, Knuckles finds this slaughter of innocent, sentient life abhorring, but Hunter quickly subdues the Guardian and slaps shock collars on his captives. His new plan is to hunt the two, while the collars will electrocute them if they go a certain distance away from each other. Meanwhile, Hunter has already wiped out the Brotherhood’s spy cameras, leaving Knuckles completely stranded.

The childhood enemies eventually escape into a sewer system, while Hunter gives them a short head start. (Because he’s sporting, see?) Right after he heads down after them, the Brotherhood find and blow up his ship. Except…they only stumbled across the thing. They had no idea who it belonged to, or if it had anything to do with their current situation. This whole storyline is making them out to be a bunch of psychotic thugs, something that seems to go opposite of what Penders has been aiming for. Meanwhile, in the sewers, after a long chase, Hunter manages to shoot and kill Monk, sending him falling over a railing and far out of the collar’s range. While Knuckles is being shocked to near death, Hunter moves in for the kill.

And then Knuckles turns into a Super Saiyan. Or rather, he suddenly charges up with Chaos energy, destroys the collar, and shatters all of Hunter’s equipment before knocking him unconscious. The evil overlander is imprisoned in a giant bubble in Haven, where he actually seems to be enjoying himself. And so, Knuckles the Echidna ends on a low note, with what was supposed to be pure filler.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Despite my negativity, I genuinely like this series. It’s probably the best thing to come out of the entire Sonic the Hedgehog comic series, with great writing, strong characterization, and some good action to boot. However, there were some problems with the series, mostly having to do with Penders’ meticulously scripting everything out so far in advance that he was tempting fate more and more with each issue.

The plan was for the series to continue with the Knuckles half of the Sonic Adventure adaptation, while the Sonic series covered everything else. Hell, it was even advertised as far back as Issue 30. However, slumping sales caused Archie to cancel the series early, thereby ending with that god-awful Monk story. When the series was ported over to the main line, the adaptation was heavily cut down, inducing a ton of plot holes into what may have been an all right venture. (Oh, and they screwed a new character in the process. More on that later.)

Meanwhile, there were tons of dangling plot threads that took years to resolve. The Dark Legion was not mentioned again until yet another god-awful special. (Only when they did come back, they did so kicking major ass.) Kragok and Tobor resurfaced for about two pages in the early 100s, before being unceremoniously killed off. Remington’s dark secret is completely forgotten for over a hundred issues. The whole Knuckles/Sally storyline never goes anywhere. And so on and so forth.

I also like to rag on Penders a lot, but that’s not for this series. Since there was pretty much one writer throughout, he exercised a lot of control, and actually managed to craft a tightly-knit storyline without the traditional continuity flare-ups. Unfortunately, he seemed to take ownership of the Knuckles series, and wanted to shoehorn his favorite character into every storyline. Indeed, although he remained with the Knuckles stories until his removal from the comic, the general quality of the series gradually slipped, until by the end you just wanted to grab him by the collar and punch his brains out.

In the end, this series was a well done piece of work, which is why this whole update is so sloppy. Combined with my working partially from memory, this took way too long to finish. And so, we end.

And our spring time ends as well, because we’re back to our last cliffhanger. Ugh…

Next time: Angst and love triangles, on <i>As Mobius Turns…</i>

#36

Wait, was your update so long that you couldn’t fit it into one post?

Anyway, I want to say that I like your retrospective. It is interesting to see what the Sonic comic was/is like and your wry humor is a definite plus.

#37

<b>Chapter Six: Sega Takes Over and the Angst Overloads (Issues 76-100)</b>

<i>Last time, on As Mobius Turns…</i>

Just as Sonic and the Freedom Fighters were settling in to their new peaceful lives, a new threat has emerged. A robotic Robotnik, having destroyed his own Mobius, has travelled to their universe to repeat the process. Although our heroes have managed to derail his schemes briefly, they have some serious problems ahead. Robo-Robotnik has control of the Robians. The residents of Mobotropolis are under attack. And worse of all, Robotnik’s old computers still hold the location of Knothole. And in the months to come, these will be the least of their problems…

<i>And now, our feature presentation…</i>

After the disaster of the Sega Saturn, Sega desperately needed a new console, something that could chisel into that upstart Sony’s monumental market share and keep the company afloat for a little while longer. This gave birth to the Dreamcast, now regarded as one of the most underrated consoles ever released. Of course, this also meant it was finally time to get a new Sonic game released. What resulted was Sonic Adventure, easily one of the few good 3D Sonics.

Yes, I just said something positive about a 3D Sonic game. Go suck on that.

And since that little Archie comic was still running along, the execs at Sega of America decided it would be a wonderful idea to have their comic run an adaptation of said game. The problem was, it wasn’t their comic. Because of Yuji Naka’s retarded ego, Sega had missed the gravy train with X-Treme. And since they were too busy trying to save their own assies after Bernie Stolar wrecked the Saturn’s chances in the US, Archie had pretty much free reign of what went on. And you’ve seen the results.

But you know that already. Now on to the good stuff…if that term really applies.

THE GREAT ESCAPE

Upon returning to Mobotropolis, the gang find that the whole city has been reduced to near rubble. Shadow-Bots are quickly herding up whoever wasn’t lucky enough to escape already and marching them into Robotnik’s HQ to await Roboticization. Meanwhile, Robotnik is still finishing the final touches on his new body, which is the only thing giving the Freedom Fighters enough time to find survivors, implant a virus into Robotnik’s computer system, and hightail it to Knothole. Oh, and Snively’s still with them.

In the end, it basically comes down to everyone but Sonic, Sally, and Snively joining up with the advance parties, while the remaining three march boldly into Robotnik’s control room. Sonic ends up on guard duty, easily destroying some Shadow-Bots and saving a few other civilians in the process. Further proving that, for all his supposed genius, no Robotnik can design a robot that doesn’t break apart if a three-foot-tall hedgehog taps into it. Meanwhile, Sally and Snively manage to cast more doubt upon the engineering capabilities of our evil overlord by…shocking them to death with a few wires. Uh huh. Anyway, they easily implant the virus, and everything’s fine.

Except, the writers decided there wasn’t enough angst. And what was their solution? A LOVE TRIANGLE!

As it turns out, one of those rescued happens to be a sixteen-year-old mongoose, named…well, Mina Mongoose. Seriously, nobody was ever creative when they came up with these names. It’s like someone saying their name is “Joe Human." Anyway, her mother’s been captured, Sonic stops her from running inside after her, and rather than actually try to go and, you know, save Mina’s mom with his super speed, he just decides to sit down and tell her about how much their lives suck and all that. He tries to say it’s too dangerous, but NOTHING we have seen up to this point has implied that Robotnik’s so-called superior technology is that much more stable than the old Robotnik. He could have at least <i>checked</i> on her or something.

Anyway, Snively decides to run off, and the newly-minted band of refugees decide to head off for Knothole. Meanwhile, Robotnik emerges to launch his new offensive at the furry people’s little hideaway…only to suddenly catch a cold. Yes, the virus gave him a cold. Nevermind that they could have, you know, deleted the information on top of that, or crashed his whole network. No, it just gave him a cold.

Smooth move, princess.

SONIC ADVENTURE

After a quick filler of Sonic bashing some robots and the group returning to the refugee-overrun Knothole, the plot finally kicks back into gear. King Acorn decides to forgive Sonic for, you know, breaking a direct military order and leading an unsupervised attack on an unknown enemy in deep space. And putting his daughter in mortal danger. But in any case, Sonic gets a full pardon, and even gets knighted! Yay, happy endings for all! Oh, except for Robotnik retaking their capital and reverting it to Robotropolis. And just to make sure the angst factor is still in account, Alicia’s life support starts to fail, giving her only a week to live. Of course, they stil have that Ring of Acorns lying around, so Elias decides to use the last of its power to revive his mother.

Yes, another easy happy ending. Unfortunately, said ring could probably have also been used to, you know, defeat Robotnik and drive his fat ass off of Mobius forever. That would probably be a far better use for a mystical one-of-a-kind artifact in the long run. However, Elias isn’t that smart. And even more unfortunately, there is one more continuity snarl to deal with.

Sega realized how creepy having a ten-year-old girl lust after a sixteen-year-old speedster really was, and bumped her age up to thirteen. Archie’s Amy was still ten. So…what do they do? They first have her get cruelly rejected by the other Freedom Fighters because of her age (despite having Tails, who’s actually younger than her). Her solution? Break into the storage room, steal the Ring of Acorns, and selfishly use the last of its wishes to make herself thirteen! Oh, and she does it JUST AS ELIAS IS WALKING INTO THE ROOM. So, in short, she has quite visibly shattered the prince’s one remaining hope of reviving his mother, while also being caught stealing a priceless royal treasure, all because the Freedom Fighters weren’t willing to drag yet another child (an unskilled one, at that) into a danger zone.

Fortunately (depending on your perspective), Amy’s head is saved from the chopping block when Nate decides her magical age-up would be interesting to “study.” Yes, our “good Overlander” Nate is suddenly a Ephebohile. That, or my brain has been so polluted by the Internet that I’ve turned into a Freud sleuth, seeking out sexual undertones whereever I go. But anyway, this plot point goes nowhere, there are never any side effects to the age progression (other than the loss of the Ring of Acorns), and we have a game adaptation to make!

Turns out Nate also knows of one more place to check for a cure: the City of the Ancients, a hidden settlement occupied by gasp FIVE-FINGERED OVERLANDERS! AAAAAGH, THE HORROR! Meanwhile, Mina finally realizes that Sonic was probably right about leaving her mother to be turned into a mindless robot, and starts becoming attracted to him. And so we dump her for nearly a dozen issues. And, for that matter, anyone not connected to the games.

The gang fly over to an unidentified island, where they find the remains of a jet liner crash. (Checkhov’s gun loaded.) The actual city is underground, forcing them to go through an ancient mine shaft. (Checkhov’s gun cocked.) And finally, after their non-eventful trip, they stand before a metropolitan city, Station Square.

Yes, folks, the “Ancients” are, in fact, regular humans. Not Overlanders, but actual humans. They also happen to be a lot nicer than the Overlanders, gracefully accepting the furries and signing a mutual defense pact with the Mobians. I guess this was supposed to be an apology for the demonization of anything resembling a human, an attitude that would only grow deeper as the series continues. But it’s more likely they realized that the Sonic series is, in fact, an idealistic series, and were editorially forced to recant their previous position and fix their mistakes.

Or, perhaps, someone brought up those early issues where they MOCKED DARK, ANGSTY SUPERHEROES AND COMICS.

Anydangway, the Ancient’s city, Station Square, is very strangely futuristic for the survivors of a jet liner crash thousands of years in the past. Hell, they have mini malls! MINI MALLS! And a full military, despite there not being any contact with the outside world for all this time! And that’s not mentioning the subway (which makes a little sense), the beach (despite being underground), and plenty of chili dogs (despite the implication that the Mobians thought of the food first). But that’s enough of my shit musings, let’s continue.

Elsewhere, in the Cat Country (groan), Robotnik smashed the Black Emerald, unleashing the amorphous creature Chaos. In the actual game, said monstrosity was sealed inside the Master Emerald, but since Mammoth Mogul is sealed inside in this continuity, I guess they had to invent something as stupid as the CAT COUNTRY to explain his arrival. Of course, Chaos is far from full power; he can only “evolve” by swallowing Chaos Emeralds. And since they are in abundance on Mobius, that should be no problem. Strangely, though, Robotnik throws a hissy fit when one emerald is swallowed by a frog, and builds a small squad of bird-powered robots to get that amphibian. Enter Big the Cat. And exit Big the Cat, because even then, Archie realized nobody would ever fucking like that goddamn fishing fatass and moved on.

The CAT COUNTRY retaliates by stealing the Master Emerald, causing the Floating Island to lose orbit and collapse. Rather than shatter on impact with the ocean, the land mass defies physics even more than it already has and simply reverts to being a regular island. Meanwhile, Julie-Su and the Chaotix are captured by the CAT COUNTRY (!), forcing Knuckles to go hunt them down. After some shenanigans, it turns out the Cat Country was nearly wiped out by a more bloodthirsty Echidna tribe, and they simply thought they were in cahoots with Robotnik. And to hammer the point in more, the tribe was called the KNUCKLES tribe. Locke named his son after a group of warmongers who nearly fucked the planet over completely by pissing off Chaos. Oh, and NONE OF THIS HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH SONIC ADVENTURE. Hurray for pointlessness!

The rest is pretty much like the game, with far fewer serious alterations. In the end, Chaos reaches its perfect form, only to get destroyed by Super Sonic. Then, next issue, Metal Sonic returns to attack Station Square. And…um…something happens, and he ends up dead. And Robotnik is driven out of Station Square once and for all. And thus, our time with the Ancients comes to an end.

MINA MONGOOSE…AGAIN

Meanwhile, back at Archie HQ, Karl Boellers was having a bad day. His much-planned love triangle between Sonic, Sally and Mina had been stopped by Sega’s editorial mandate. This left the new character woefully underdeveloped in all four of her very brief appearances to this point. His backup plan was to introduce her one defining characteristic in backup stories; unfortunately, Ken Penders was kicked back into his clutches, and with him came the Knuckles series. And thus, Mina’s one glowing chance of establishing herself was scuttled faster than the stock market. (/sarcasm.)

Oh, and what was that one magic link between her and Sonic? Well…she can run fast. Really, that’s it. Granted, she’s still a speedster, and is nearly as fast as Sonic in several regards, but just having the same superpower does not a match make. It didn’t help that her personality was custom built to simply be Sally’s opposite: a dainty, non-action girl to contrast with the Princess’ kickass demeanor. (Of course, by this point Sally had been reduced to the group chick, but let’s focus, people.) To top it off, Mina was absolutely WORTHLESS in combat. She couldn’t control her speed, she fainted at the sight of any danger, and her sole purpose in life was to nearly get kidnapped repeatedly. To say they have a relationship based only on the same power is like saying Batman and Batgirl should date because they both have the word “bat” in their name! (Um…bad example.)

So, we have a tacked-on character, in a tacked-on love triangle, with a tacked-on superpower, in the middle of a kids comic-turned-soap opera. She DOES get better MUCH later on (somewhat starting around Issue 119, and is the only DECENT reworking in the scourge that is Issue 135), but in the meantime, let’s soak in the hatedom of the comic’s most despised OC. (Until the much worse one comes back.)

SETTING ANGST LEVELS TO 11

So, the Sonic team (not the real-life inbred retards) comes back, only to remember they kinda forgot that whole Alicia thing. So, their plan is to lead an assault into Robotropolis and steal the medical supplies needed to save the queen. Except, if they were already IN Mobotropolis for 25 issues, why didn’t they think to scrounge this stuff up THEN? Maybe I’m just remembering this plot point wrong. I just remember this whole story arc sucking balls to put it lightly, but it ends with some confrontations with Uncle Chuck, a few battles, and finally concludes with Alicia being revived. Only…King Acorn is paralyzed from the waist down in the process. So, what is Sally’s response?

A) Simply be glad her mother is alive, and look into curing her father’s condition.

B) Get to work figuring out their next plan of attack, while remembering that they were lucky to get out alive.

C) Start blaming Sonic for everything that happened, even though he is CLEARLY not at fault.

If you guessed A or B, congratulations, you’re officially smarter than EVERYONE IN THIS FUCKING COMIC! We’re barely halfway through, and my brain is hurting already!

And while we’re in trivia time, what is Sonic’s reaction to all this?

A) Wait until Sally has calmed down and explain the situation.

B) Let the girl have some space while he keeps watch for a possible counterattack.

C) Steal the Sword of Acorns and run around playing knight with the priceless artifact.

If you found yourself reaching for a gun at this point, remember that they are evil, bastardly tools used only by primitive Overlanders. And while we’re on that plot point, Arachnis attacks and steal s the Sword of Acorns. While Sonic and Mina (who he bumped into along the way) give chase, they come across a recently-landed spaceship. And guess who’s on it? OVERLANDERS, led by none other than Colin Kintobor, Robotnik’s long-lost brother. Perhaps rightfully fearing retribution at the hands of the Mobians, a few Overlanders put themselves in cold sleep and blasted themselves into space in hopes of settling on a new planet. That backfires, however, when the ship suddenly comes back to Mobius ten years later.

Of course, Sonic decides to try and be cordial, offering to fill them in on what has happened and help them get settled. Unfortunately, one of the first people to exit the ship happens to be Hope Kintobor, Colin’s daughter who has never seen a Mobian in her life, and the sight of a three-foot-tall blue hedgehog is obviously enough to send her running and Colin into fight mode. But THEN, Robotnik shows up and offers to take them to Robotropolis. Needless to say, the Overlanders decide to settle in the robot-operated, toxic death hole rather than deal with the peace-loving Mobian. There’s a moral here, but…fuck it, it’s been said enough already.

And one more question, folks. Now that King Acorn is incapacitated, who will be the ruler of the Kingdom of Knothole?

A) Sally, because she has experience as the leader of a rebellion.

B) Alicia, because she is still technically co-ruler.

C) King Acorn, because his brain hasn’t been damaged any more in his near-death experience.

The answer is, NONE OF THE ABOVE. Instead, he instates Elias yet again, erasing any tiny shreds of sympathy we may have had for the character. And it gets BETTER! Because the prince is knowingly unfit to rule, he starts getting advice…from Geoffrey St. John. Sonic’s rival. You can guess where this is going, can’t you?

Well, needless to say, Sonic gets berated (which he should be for acting like an idiot), is stripped of knighthood (which is fair), and reduced to a common teenager. Which is where I start banging my head against the desk. Why would you ever, EVER consider stripping your best soldier, the one responsible for BRINGING ROBOTNIK DOWN IN THE FIRST PLACE, and make him nothing more than a regular kid? Why would you throw away the one advantage you have over a superiorly-numbered and vastly more advanced dictator? And the whole reason Elias is doing this? Because Geoffrey, who he KNOWS has designs on his sister, is telling him to.

Up to this issue, I actually liked Elias a lot. He actually seemed to know he wasn’t in a position to lead, and willingly turned it over to people more able. And yet he was also somewhat intelligent, being trained by the GREAT ECHIDNAS and all. But in this story, he goes from a somewhat believable (for a furry comic) royal to an absolutely clueless dipshit, all because a jealous skunk started whispering naughty thoughts in his ear.

Oh, and in the process of all this, Amy reveals she’s the sister of Rob O’ the Hedge, and goes to live with him. See you later, pink wish-stealing bitch.

SCHOOL DAYS

Nice boat. There, obligatory joke’s out of the way.

So, because Sonic is a regular person now, he has to go to school. And since this is a kid’s comic, it’s presented as the worst punishment one can ever face. It wasn’t that bad. I mean, once you get used to the swirlies, the beat downs, the disgusting apathy of all faculty, the institutionalized incompetence of teachers, and the stale smell of crushed dreams mixed with piss and excrement outside of a racketball court, it’s an all right experience. Isn’t going to school in California grand?

In the meantime, Elias has managed to build Knothole, which is SUPPOSED TO BE A FEW HUTS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST, into a thriving city, complete with all manners of social services. Furthermore, he’s reinstated the Secret Service, the soldiers are more trained than ever, and Robotnik is still at bay. Too bad the blue hedgehog has to save their asses constantly. Only this time, every time he beats someone down, Geoffrey gets to make empty threats. Oh, and Nate is reduced to a physics teacher, which is pretty advanced stuff to teach to a bunch of woodland critters with no formalized education system for ten years.

And while this is going on, Tails is kidnapped by the Walkers. More on that later.

The comic follows this tangent for a while, while also trying desperately trying to scrape some development out of Mina. They fail, up until the part where Sally sneaks out of the palace, only to see Mina kiss Sonic. But wait, it’s a simple misunderstanding, she was just thanking him for saving her from a robot a few issues earlier! Unfortunately, the writers decide to stick with this sitcom plot for nearly ten more issues.

In the meantime, the Secret Service get themselves captured, but manage to escape with Sonic’s (disguised) help. Colin is reunited with his son, Snively, who is now working for Robotnik again. Sonic recaptures Kodos, now reduced to a total lunatic for some reason. And to top it off, Sonic is recruited to fight Shadow the Hedgehog in a horribly misplaced, generally poorly-written adaptation of Sonic Adventure 2. Fun times.

ISSUE 100

Issue 100 starts with Kodos escaping captivity. Meanwhile, Sally, having seen her hubby in a compromising situation, runs across Arachnos, who is now dying a horrible, toxic-fueled death. It turns out Robotnik’s openly poisonous industrial plants and poor handling of nuclear runoff can KILL people! Oh, and she still has the Sword of Acorns. Which is now what Kodos is focused on. Go fig.
Sonic rushes in to save the day…only for Kodos to shove Sally off a cliff. But as it turns out, the Sword of Acorns is connected to the Source, and she can FLY. And shoot death beams. Which kill Kodos. Joy. And then Mina comes running in to tell them that Nate has gone into Robotropolis to warn the Overlanders of their impending doom. So, the team comes rushing in to save his dumb midget ass. In the end, Uncle Chuck and Muttski manage to recover their free will AGAIN, they fail to save the Overlanders, but they DO manage to lead the Robians out. Unfortunately, Robotnik has also managed to program his body to Roboticize by touch, making him effectively invulernable. And in order to get everyone outside of Robotropolis’ newly-installed force field, Nate stays behind, just so Robotnik can reduce him to a machine.

And thus ends Nate Morgan. Considering he hasn’t done anything of import since his introduction, his passing was long overdue.

MEANWHILE, ON THE FLOATING ISLAND…
Lara-Le and Wyn get hitched. This is the worst thing you can do in a comic. I’m convinced that 99% of all writers are miserable curmudgeons, who project their inability to find and retain any meaningful relationships within their own sad lives. As a result, any character that gets married or has a serious romantic relationship is doomed to lose even more than they started with. Spider-Man? Sold his soul to the devil to suit the demands of a time-trapped editor. Daredevil? His girlfriend was stuffed in a fridge so the resulting story arc could have more impact. Batman? The guy’s gone from having basic superhero issues to being a paranoid wackjob incapable of even sustaining a working relationship with his sidekicks. And guess what happens here?

The dingoes start a rebellion. Yes, they grab a bunch of guns and start firing on everything in sight. But this gets derailed when the Dark Legion…destroy the Floating Island. Or “send everyone on it to another dimension.” Why? The whole thing just seems…counterproductive to their stated goal. They WANT to rule over the Echidnas! Wiping them out isn’t exactly a good way to get that point across!

But wait! Knuckles survives the attack, although he landed in the ocean and has no idea where he is. Furthermore, his father’s genetic tampering has started to turn him into the Hulk. Or…he suddenly turns green with unbridled Chaos energy and goes on a destructive spree. This is made MUCH worse when Gala-La, having abandoned any shreds of being a good guy, tries to drain him with a recreated Chaos Syphon. She rolls straight ones, causing the machine to fail spectacularly and make Knuckles even STRONGER. And next up, the Watchers decide that Tails would be the perfect person to send up against the Echidna equivalent of Doctor Manhattan.

Oh, and we also meet Tails’ grandfather, Merlin Prower. And you can probably guess what his schtick is. Tails is supercharged into Turbo Tails and sent to beat the shit out of his friend. And…he gets his ass handed to him. HARD. By the end of it all, the Watchers barely manage to save his two-tailed ass, but not before seeding the plot threads of a future issue. Yes, it seems Tails was SUPPOSED to win, but something went wrong during the teleportation. The consequences will be revealed a little over ten issues later.

Finally, Knuckles manages to reach the Floating Island…and in a series of unfortunate events, he stumbles across the Dark Legion’s headquarters. Inside, he finds Julie-Su, as well as Lien-Da and Dmitri, the latter two gloating over their newest victory. Oh, and Tobor and Kragok punch out of the Warp again, only to slam into the Dark Legion’s ship and die, destroying their zone projector in the process. Hurray for pointless deaths!

So, Knuckles is here, powerful enough to take out the entire Legion, and in a very pissed off mood. What does he do? He listens to one little pep talk from Dmitri and decides to abandon everything he’s ever known so he can join the Dark Legion. What?

What?

<b>WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, PENDERS?</b> Dmitri has tried to actively KILL KNUCKLES in the past. For all he knows, the former Enerjak may have damned his entire race in limbo over a small slight THOUSANDS OF YEARS IN THE PAST. And all it takes is one speech to change the Guardian’s mind?

This was the start of an unfortunate storyline that would run through the Knuckles stories, up to the time jump after Issue 125. In order to bring some more grey into the “good Brotherhood vs. evil Legion” backstory, the Legion’s standing was softened considerably, going from attempted conquerors to simply wanting to rejoin society at large. Which may have worked…except it was handled very poorly. The actual good points of the Legion (their advancement in actually beneficial technology over the virtual stagnation of Echidnaopolis) were avoided in favor of painting Dmitri as an unfortunate victim. He isn’t. He is a psychopath that tried to destroy his entire island because somebody wouldn’t allow him to test his pet project.

Sorry to bring up other comics again, but think about Doctor Doom in the 1980s and 1990s. Prior to that time, he was simply another mad scientist trying to kill the Fantastic Four. Eventually, Marvel realized he wasn’t that interesting anymore, so they changed him around, adding in that dash of greyness that can make or break a villain. And it worked. He was a despotic ruler of a third-world European nation, but he was occasionally allowed to show genuine care for his people. He actually managed to accomplish one or two good things under his rule, especially in reducing crime to near zero. The methods were horrid, but he was given enough character motivation to surpass his “kill Reed Richards” beginnings. (I’m sure Wil will argue with me on this point, but still.) However, that tonal change happened over time. Here, we’re given ONE ISSUE to change our perception on who was up to that point second only to Robotnik on the monster scale.

Oh, if only we had some fire ants, then we’d show him!

CONCLUSION

Robotnik’s return was welcome, but the series was still in heaps of trouble. Basically, nobody thought to keep it as an action series (what it was good as), and instead started to emphasize the characters and romantic conflicts more and more. This trend would continue until Karl Boellers and Ken Penders (the two head writers) were unceremoniously thrown out a plate glass window, and even then, it was a slow return to form.

Besides that, there’s nothing to report. The big stuff starts coming down in the next batch. Get your bile bags ready.

#38

The only thing his thread did was make me look up Altered Beast on youtube. That was one sweet game.

#39

Then my work here is done.

#40

Sorry to bring up other comics again, but think about Doctor Doom in the 1980s and 1990s. Prior to that time, he was simply another mad scientist trying to kill the Fantastic Four. Eventually, Marvel realized he wasn’t that interesting anymore, so they changed him around, adding in that dash of greyness that can make or break a villain. And it worked. He was a despotic ruler of a third-world European nation, but he was occasionally allowed to show genuine care for his people. He actually managed to accomplish one or two good things under his rule, especially in reducing crime to near zero. The methods were horrid, but he was given enough character motivation to surpass his “kill Reed Richards” beginnings. (I’m sure Wil will argue with me on this point, but still.) However, that tonal change happened over time. Here, we’re given ONE ISSUE to change our perception on who was up to that point second only to Robotnik on the monster scale.

Actually, I do NOT disagree with you, d. Dr. Doom was certainly changed over the years to be made more sympathetic, and some intriguing stories have explored him as a hero (most notably DOOM 2099, one of the best comics I’ve ever read- at least while John Francis Moore was writing it.) On the other hand, somebody (Mark Waid?) decided he had to be made a villain again so they had him, in the space of one issue, sacrifice a woman who loved him to three demons in order to increase his magical powers- and USED HER SKIN AS PART OF HIS ARMOR! Talk about unsubtle changes…

On the believable-or-not changes subject, what do you think of the way they replaced Jean Grey with Emma Frost in X-Men, d? Sure, she had years of characterization as well, but I still find it hard to swallow that a woman who killed HER OWN SISTER and fried some poor schmuck’s brain just to win a telepathic seduction game with the Black Queen (among many other vile crimes) can change her nature fully just by being protective of her mutant students, and the fact Cyclops fell in love with her even knowing she MENTALLY SEDUCED HIM is even harder to accept, especially with Jean’s “ghost” (yeah, she’s dead again) saying the romance HAS to happen to avoid a bad future. (Then again, in X-Men, even sneezing brings about a terrible future.)

*Note: I think a recent story tried to establish that Emma and the White Queen are actually separate personalities! That’s the only way I could accept the change, but it feels like an asspull. I don’t regularly read X-Men anymore so I don’t know for sure, though.

#41

I don’t remember who changed Doom back to a full villain, but it was an incredibly stupid decision to be sure. Basically, he chose to try and focus on Doom’s more negative qualities, which is perfectly fine for a bad guy on the Doctor’s level. However, he decided to make sure that NOBODY could ever seriously see Doom as an even slightly redeemable character ever again. Fortunately, it seems NOBODY liked the idea, so they’re at least somewhat scaling it back. Oh well, damage done, fuck you Marvel, fuck you to Hell.

As for Emma Frost…I have no opinion. It sounds like a definate asspull, but I never followed her. To be honest, I didn’t really follow the X-Men in the comics that much; my only memories come from the shows, games and movies. Sorry.

#42

There was a story in Fantastic Four (during the John Byrne era, I think) that stated the REAL Dr. Doom was away exploring time and space for years and EVERY story featuring Doom since the 60s actually had a Doombot in his place instead. Not a bad idea, except the “real” Doom that came back was of the “I’m a God, bow before me!” kind, which doesn’t really solve the problem. That story seems to have been ignored later, by the way. Though I’m pretty sure the Doom who got pwned by SQUIRREL GIRL was a Doombot (no matter what her squirrel partner claims. ) :wink:

As for Emma, she’s on the Wolverine and The X-Men show in all her bitchiness (though presumably has not committed the real one’s murders and other sins.) Check it out, it’s actually pretty good, the closest to the comics’ atmosphere any X-Men cartoon has ever gotten.

#43

Alright, this one will be going a LOT quicker, since there’s not a whole lot to cover. Fortunately, this gives me plenty of time to comment on one of the BIGGEST offences this comic has produced to the written word!

Chapter Seven: The Origin of Mobius (Issues 101-125)

<i>Last time, on As Mobius Turns…</i>

Robotnik’s return has forced the Mobians into hiding, ironically returning them to the village of Knothole. After establishing an alliance with the humans of Station Square, the Freedom Fighters managed to restore Queen Alicia to health. However, the resulting series of events, coupled with Sonic’s immature behavior, have not only led to him being stripped of knighthood, but also allowed his “romantic rival,” Geoffrey St. John, to act as the Wormtounge to Prince Elias. Things come crashing down altogether when Sally manages to interface with the Sword of Acorns, which will allow her to restore the free will of the Robians. Furthermore, the returned Overlanders are unwittingly subjecting themselves to their own demise in Robotnik’s toxic capital, which doesn’t bother the mechanical despot at all.

Meanwhile, Knuckles’ home has been “erased” by the Dark Legion, leaving the titular hero as the only survivor. The events that follow lead to the awakening of more powers, which also turn Knuckles a permanent shade of green. While wandering the Mobius, he briefly fought Turbo Tails, before finally managing to locate the Floating Island. Unfortunately, the Legion had already set up base, and given the unnatural condition of his powers, Knuckles has no choice but to go along with them if he wants to restore Echidnaopolis. And thus, his journey into darkness begins…

<i>And now, our feature presentation…</i>

(If that confused you, do not read any farther. It will get worse. <b>IT WILL GET WORSE!</b>)

KNUCKLES PUNCHING THE EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE

In order to make any sense of Issue 101, it’s important to look at the Knuckles story first. The Guardian’s first idea for reversing the cursed energy wave that has destroyed Echidnaopolis is to…go back in time to events that have absolutely nothing to do with said wave. Yes, he’s travelling through time to change the past, even though if he really can rewind time, he could just fly to the city’s ruins and REVERSE EVERYTHING THAT WAY! Oh, and then he can punch out the beam like that old Fleischer Stuidos Superman cartoon I’m too lazy to look for! There, the day is saved!

But no, he decides to try and alter Echidna history simply because he can, or because Dmitri wants him to. It’s never made clear. But anywho, here’s his three attempts:

  1. He goes back to when Echidnaopolis was still on the mainland and blows up the meteor. As a result, there was never any need for the whole “Floating Island” plot, and everyone stayed on the ground. And then the city blows up anyway. There’s no reason for the city exploding, nobody bothers to check on what happened, it just blows up. It’s like shooting Hitler until he’s swiss cheese, only to have his body miraculously heal because SPACE AND TIME DEMAND IT! Of course, there’s no repercussions for all this tomfoolery, and the present is the same as ever.

  2. He goes back to Edmund and Dmitri’s first proposal, and mind control’s the judge into granting their request. Thus, the Dark Legion would never be formed, and things would have worked out fine. And then the Chaos-Syphon fails utterly and the Floating Island crashes into the ground. At least this one made a little sense, all things considered.

  3. He goes back to Edmund’s death, and knocks out the assassin. As a result, the separation of the two cultures would never have happened. Unfortunately, this one has a MAJOR side effect; Knuckles immediately starts to not only lose his powers, but become roboticized. He manages to reverse things just before the new reality sets in. Dmitri’s explanation? Without the conflict between the Legion and the Brotherhood, the Echidnas would never have repelled Robotnik when Knuckles stupidly let him in for the fifteenth time.

Oh, and the next issue? He goes back to the city and reverses the wave. Way to waste print space, Archie!

Meanwhile, back in front of Robotropolis, the Freedom Fighters are staring at Robotnik’s spiffy new forcefield, and like an idiot, Sonic decides to touch it. What follows can only be described as a failed attempt to be “artsy” and “deep.” The cast get sent around a bunch of alternate timelines, including one where they’re stuck in the worst piece of Sonic animation ever (the OVA, not Underground), one where Knuckles is the ultimate hero and Sonic is second fiddle, and finally one where Sally stayed dead after Endgame. Unfortunately, Sonic decides he doesn’t want to live in that more interesting world, and everything gets set right again.
Oh, and Nate shows up for the last time, saying how the timeline’s fixing itself and all that. Point is, he’s dead, nobody cares, yadda yadda yadda.

ENTER AND EXIT

Back on the Floating Island, Knuckles’ sudden brainstorm and subsequent solving of the problem has coincided with a new character. The next unlucky soul to join this clusterfuck maelstrom of a cast is Lara-Su, Knuckles’ future daughter, come back to save her daddy from Constable Remington! You see, not everyone’s too happy with Knuckles, you know, pretty much selling out his principles to a bunch of overly-technophiliac lunatics that have tried to utterly destroy them time and again. Of course, our Hitler analogy comes back, and she COMPLETELY FAILS to stop her dad from being shot. Of course, Knuckles is basically a living god, so he pops back up as if nothing happened. Oh, and Remington didn’t shoot him, it was a Legionnaire sent in to kill DMITRI. Ah, Lien-Da, you and your power grabs.

Anyway, Lara-Su gets shifted back to the future, where future Julie-Su tells her that Knuckles is now trying to destroy the world, and they have to stop him. And that’s the end. Yes, nothing EVER comes of this plot point. This was probably supposed to jump start the STORY THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED, but unfortunately for Penders’ ego, that plan got knocked back yet again. For now, we can enjoy another Knuckles story where NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED.

And of course, we also have Lara-Su, Knuckles’ super-powered daughter. Because, you know, we ALL need time-traveling daughters of superbeings that come back to stop some disaster, only to ineptly cause the whole thing to happen or otherwise remain powerless to change anything, all while being more powerful than anyone in the present timeline?

…

Seriously, what’s everyone staring at?

Meanwhile, back in Knothole, the Robians are all back safe and sound, along with the Freedom Fighters. Unfortunately, King Acorn decides to butt in yet again, wheeling himself out just so he can yell at Sally some more and tell Elias, as acting ruler, to free the first Robian. Oh, and it’s the Sherriff. And he’s Antoine’s father. Fun.

Elias tries to use the sword, but he’s a total pussy, and just gives up after two seconds. Cursing under her breath, Sally takes the damn thing and does the job herself, restoring the Sherriff’s free will, and eventually, everyone else’s. And what is King Acorn’s reaction? He drags Elias into the throne room so he can scream his guts out about how the prince is embarrassing the family. The prince, who has to this point been forced through misogyny to take a position he has had no experience or training for, has been called to perform a task he doesn’t even remotely understand, and actually did the right thing by giving control back to his more talented sister, is being yelled at by his father, who by this point has:

*Placed a known traitor in his war council

*Nearly destroyed the Robians

*Almost given control of Mobius to Nagus

*Disinherited the superior successor because of gender

*Crippled himself in a mad dash to save his wife (not as bad, but still…)

*Forced his reluctant son to take power without taking a single damn feeling into account.

Fortunately, before my blood pressure can reach dangerous levels, the Secret Service shows up…and announces their retirement, giving military control over to the Freedom Fighters. Except…they’ve been infected with nanites! By Robotnik! And Heavy and Bomb are now double agents! Really, I guess I’m supposed to be surprised, but the simple sight of Geoffrey writhing in agony is so enjoyable I just don’t give a shit.

Not to spoil anything, but Sonic saves the day. And Heavy and Bomb are killed, and stay dead until the last 150s. The whole thing is too much for Elias to take, and he finally decides to run away, leaving one last “fuck you, dad” note to mark his passing.

Meanwhile, the Freedom Fighters return to Robotropolis to try and rescue the Overlanders. By this point, Colin has finally put enough together to realize his brother is, in fact, a robot…just in time to be Roboticized. Unfortunately, for some ungodly reason, Roboticized Overlanders are basically little more than statues. Which means that, by the time Sonic and Sally find both Colin and Nate Morgan, it’s too late. However, Snively is also Roboticized…and turns out just fucking fine. There’s some bullshit about willingly turning yourself into a robot, but…really, it makes no sense. Fortunately, Robotnik, in a brilliant attempt to silence Hope (the one witness to Colin’s death), makes a live television broadcast where he Roboticizes the girl’s mother. So that EVERYONE can see how big a dick he is, and the Overlanders all decide to leave willingly.

That kid is gonna need some serious therapy.

THE END OF ROBOTROPOLIS

What follows are a few issues of filler, including the brief return of the original Robotnik (he is remolecularized by Robo-Robotnik, and disintegrates shortly afterward), more relationship angst (Sally gets over her latest bout of bitching, while Mina backs off for the moment), and a few battles. Finally, the plot kicks back into gear when Station Square decides to run a computer simulation on a possible attack from Robotropolis. Unfortunately, said computer is the same one from Wargames, and it rules Robotnik to be such a threat that it immediately launches a tactical nuclear strike. I repeat, a literally underground society had enough time to build and stockpile nuclear weapons, even when they believed there were no other living beings on the planet.

So, why did they have nukes? If they had a rebellion, you’d think small arms fire and a few conventional explosives would be far superior to a doomsday weapon. And why did they forget to install a fucking override in their computer? Or better yet, NOT PROGRAM IT SO IT WOULD, ON ITS OWN VOLITION, LAUNCH ENOUGH BOMBS TO KILL EVERY LIVING THING ON THE PLANET FIFTEEN MILLION TIMES OVER?!

In order to save the day, Sonic and Tails rush in to warn Robotnik and Snively of the attack. Unfortunately, Robotnik’s force field will protect him not only from the explosion, but also that nasty nuclear winter that will no doubt follow. But wait! That was Sonic’s plan from the beginning! He delays Robotnik long enough so that, when he puts the force field back up, the two Mobians would be outside of the city…and the nukes will have just passed through the curtain, destroying the entire city while the magic bubble keeps the radiation at bay. So they’re now safe, for as long as the city’s power source keeps running, at which point the mushroom cloud will come rushing out and kill everything anyway. Hurray!

Oh, and Robotnik and Snively are dead. Double Hurray!

MOGUL RETURNS

The next few issues, to be honest, are rather hazy. I can really only remember two storylines worth mentioning; the rest, I believe, were simple filler. The first concerned the return of…well, just read the title.

Remember the Super Knuckles vs. Turbo Tails fight a few issues ago? Remember how Merlin and the Watchers mentioned that “something was wrong?” Well, here’s what happened. When Turbo Tails was being teleported to the battle site, Mammoth Mogul somehow managed to grab him in mid-existence and replace him with a double. The real Tails was then turned into a living battery, allowing Mogul to exist outside of the Master Emerald. Unfortunately, said clone suddenly remembers who he really is and leads Sonic to the real Tails. After a small battle, Mogul is sent packing, the clone Tails disappears, and our favorite two-tailed fox is saved. All of this is punctuated by some good writing, acceptable artwork (for this series, anyway), and a surprisingly heartwrenching death scene for what amounts to be a moving plot point.

And then we go back to the Knuckles series.

Mogul is sent running to Echidnaopolis, where he holds a nearly-comatose Dmitri hostage. Why is Dmitri sick? Hell if I know, but he’s planning to pass on control to the Legion to Knuckles (with Lien-Da getting a small sendoff as his assistant). Mogul, for his part, wants Knuckles to serve as his new lifeline, now that he’s basically Chaos incarnate and all. (I wonder if he knows SINDRI?! Yes, I’m sorry, no more 40k references.) Unfortunately, Knuckles not only decides NOT to go with the program, but ends up self-exploding in the hospital, seemingly killing Mogul in the process. Dmitri survives the ENTIRE FUCKING WING getting engulfed in pure energy and collapsing, with no more scratches than he started with. And as for Knuckles, he died. RIGHT before they were going to rename the Floating Island to Angel Island.

Knuckles, one of the Sonic franchises’ stars, is dead. Yeah, like ANYONE thought that would stick. But more on that latter.

RESOLVING THE TRIANGLE

The other big story finally closes off that freaking Sonic-Sally-Mina love triangle, at least until the time jump. It starts, like so many others, with total random bullshit. Mina suddenly decides she REALLY wants to get Sonic in the sack, but her attempts at sex appeal fail to impress even the most open-minded furries in the audience. Her next idea is to become a Freedom Fighter, but once again, she’s utterly useless in combat, and is nearly killed when she freezes up against a giant robot. Strike two, girl.

Unfortunately, before the writers can have the decency to end this whole mess, Sonic discovers that Mina DOES have a talent: she can sing! Oh, God help us all. Oh wait, this is print media! We can’t hear her! Now if we can only do this to Hannah Montana…

With Sonic’s assistance, everyone’s least favorite anthropomorphic mongoose (and believe me, there are not a lot of those out there) because a hit around Knothole. Unfortunately, Sally begins to believe, once again, that the two are hooking up. Fortunately, before the angst can kick in, Nack the Weasel rides in like a hellish knight in shining armor to kidnap her, thereby starting an adventure plotline. Sonic chases the two down to a gothic mansion, where Nack and his ENTIRE FAMILY OF BOUNTY-HUNTING WEASELS are holding up for some reason. Unfortunately, Mina also tags along for some reason. (Really, it’s ridiculously unclear.)

And even more unfortunately for the Weasel family, the planets align, time and space bends back to Issue 40, and Sally reverts to her beloved action girl persona. She tricks the bounty hunters into letting her in on their ransom plan, dropping their guard enough so she can kick their asses. Sonic arrives in time to finish off the last few, while Mina just hangs back and does nothing. (Thanks for coming, you useless bitch!) And how does Sally thank Sonic for his…belated help?

She kisses him. Right in front of Mina. Needless to say, she does NOT take having her crush shattered right in front of her eyes very well. She quickly snaps out of it, though…just in time to run in front of Nack’s revenge bullet. She survives (um…somehow), but any hopes of a relationship with Sonic are now dashed forever. Thankfully.

I’M A LUMBERJACK AND I’M OKAY

Meanwhile, Geoffrey and Hershey are cured of their nanite infection, and are thus reinstated as the Secret Service. (The other members’ fates are never disgused…except for Vasquez the Chameleon, who got Roboticized and subsequently killed by Espio.) Geoff has finally got it through his skunk skull that Sally loves Sonic, and the two hook up. I should probably complain about how sudden this whole thing was, but there’s no love triangle and little angst, so I’ll let it slide. Their first assignment: find Elias.

As it turns out, the prince is now living as a woodcutter, in a small community as far away as one can safely be from Knothole. Furthermore, Elias is now more of a whiny bitch than ever; the minute the Secret Service show up, he starts packing up yet again. Despite, in the intervening time, marrying and having a son. I repeat, he has been gone long enough to get married and have a baby. Don’t bother trying to structure a solid timeline with this comic, things just sort of float around and happen outside of the realms of causality and common sense.

Oh, and to top things off, Sonic shows up, too. And meanwhile, Robotnik and Snively, having managed to rebuild themselves, lead an attack on the village. Elias finally decides to grow a pair and fights back, but of course it’s SONIC who saves the day. Finally acting like a man, Elias stays behind to raise his family (which is all right with St. John, since they would be ineligible for the throne, what with being peasants and all. Wasn’t restoring the monarchy a WONDERFUL idea?), and everyone goes home.

LAST OF THE ROBIANS

By this point, it was almost time for the next milestone. And you know what that means? Yes, folks, it’s time for A WHOLE BUNCH OF RANDOM SHIT FLYING OUT AT ONCE!

Our mess starts with Robotnik (what else) Roboticizing some of the more villainous Mobians (including our long-lost buddy, Drago). Fortunately, he’s lost his ability to Roboticize by touch, making him easy meat for an attacking Sonic…that is, until they get abducted by aliens. Yes, our heroes get captured by green-skinned aliens, who promptly turn Sonic and Tails into robots, while also reverting Robotnik and Snively to humans. And no, there’s no explanation given in this issue. We have to wait nearly a year to figure out what the hell they were doing this for.

The two teams get sent to an arena to fight to the death (again, for no real reason), where Robo-Sonic and Robo-Tails easily kick the shit out of their fleshy opponents. As a reward, they return to normal, while Robotnik and Snively are stuck as humans forever. This, of course, accomplishes nothing. Robotnik now feels validated in his belief that robots are superior to Mobians and/or Overlanders, and now that he’s a regular Overlander again, the Freedom Fighters can’t track his movements. In other words, the aliens (no doubt trying to help, I guess) just gave the arch nemesis a renewed look on life and the means to sneak up on his opponents. Congratulations!

A short time later, the hit parade continues. Suddenly, EVERY ROBIAN ON MOBIUS RETURNS TO NORMAL. ALL OF THEM. IN ONE ISSUE. WITH ABSOLUTELY NO EXPLANATION GIVEN. Of course, this stuff always has a catch: for some reason, Jules is the only one not restored to normal. Again, no real reasoning is given for this, in this issue or the several to follow. Oh, and as a bonus, everyone’s now immune to Roboticization. I guess we’re supposed to infer that it’s the aliens that did all this, but the question is still, “Why?” And of course, now Robotnik’s pissing himself with joy; Jules’ exemption has Sonic angsting even harder than usual, and he can just sit back and watch the perpetual torment. Oh aliens, how did we ever survive without you?

THE XORDA

Issues 124 and 125 wrap up this little episode with an infuriating number of dues ex machinas, whiny drama, and a plot development that will bring unbridled rage to all that read it.

Sonic and Sally, having finally wrapped up their “will they or won’t they” mess (in the most tactless way possible, mind you), become formally engaged. This, in comic books term, is the equivalent of a death sentence. Meanwhile, Knuckles is chilling in the afterlife, talking to the Echidna goddess Aurora about his life and his importance in the world. Meanwhile, Robotnik is plotting villainous things, Snively is prepping his knife collection, and Mina is getting her singing career off the ground. Unfortunately, such concentrated happiness offends the Gods of Plot Convenience, and they decide to immediately send everything crashing down.

Literally, in the form of Shadow.

Shadow the Hedgehog, having been MIA since the Sonic Adventure 2 adaptation, suddenly shows up, having been attacked by multi-tentacled cosmic horrors known as the Xorda. Similar sightings and attacks occur all over Mobius, with the aliens claiming to return to “finish off the humans.” Of course, they then immediately identify Mobius as…Earth.

No, they can’t do that.

Sally runs off to find some means of convincing them they made a mistake. Meanwhile, King Acorn, in a rare showing of competence, succeeds in blackmailing Robotnik into giving up control of half of Mobius, in exchange for a military alliance between the two. The Echidnas also fly down, while also bringing the news of Knuckles’ death. Station Square finishes off the ensemble, bringing everyone together in a grand showmanship of cooperation (or in the case of Robotnik, self-preservation), while the Xorda set up some tomfoolery at Mobius’ North Pole.
Then Sally comes back…and announces that the aliens are right. Mobius is a future Earth.

…

<i>What?</i>

Some point in the past, a Xorda diplomat was sent to Earth as a messenger of peace. Unfortunately, The Day the Earth Stood Still was lost to this future populace, and they simply killed the Xorda and dissected it. Understandably peeved, the aliens carpet bombed the entire planet with some sort of weapon that was supposed to de-molecularize every living thing on the planet. (Overkill?) Of course, said weapon failed: while nearly everyone was killed, the whole mess sped up the evolution of Earth’s regular animals into the Mobians, while humanity simply devolved into the Overlanders. Eventually, one of the escaping Overlander spaceships came too close to Xorda air space, and they came back to Mobius to finish killing everyone.

(NOTE: IF YOU WANT TO SKIP ANOTHER LENGTHY RANT, PLEASE SCROLL DOWN.)

Words fail me right now. This is simply one of the WORST origins for any setting I have ever heard. Let’s examine this whole mess, shall we:

  1. For such a kid’s comic, this is an incredibly dark story. Hell, even if this was a Vertigo or MAX comic, it’d be a little out there. Seriously, humans are bastards, so aliens drop bombs that LITERALLY MELT EVERYTHING ON THE PLANET, and then return to pull the whole mess AGAIN because of a slight oversight on their part. I repeat, ALL SEVEN-PLUS BILLION PEOPLE ON EARTH, NOT TO MENTION EVERYTHING ELSE ON THE PLANET, ARE KILLED SO THAT MOBIUS CAN BE BORN!

  2. Again, we’re back to the “humans are bastards” shit again. Seriously, Archie, it’s gotten old. Move on.

  3. The comic’s timeline presents the whole evolution of the Mobians as occurring three thousand years ago, right at the same time as the first Days of Fury. Okay, I can see how a weapon designed to commit genocide could reshape an entire planet. The technical specifications given, however, imply that the Xorda’s doomsday weapon was supposed to work on a genetic level, melting down every single living thing on the planet. Such a thing would NOT cause entire continents to tumble away.

  4. I can understand human civilization regressing to caveman days, and then rebuilding themselves. Roger Corman actually did something similar in Teenage Caveman. (And it was the only part of that movie that kinda, sorta, maybe worked.) However, why do they now have four fingers? You’d think, if they had to re-evolve, they would at least get that helpful fifth digit. I mean, they still have their thumbs, just like every other sapient creature on the planet. It just seems like a stupid oversight. And for that manner, how could the humans in Station Square survive just by being underground?

  5. Right after this scene, Sally manages to telepathically communicate with the Xorda leaders. They concede that Earth as they knew it is destroyed, but since the Mobians have human genes, they have to keep destroying the planet. I repeat, the reason the Mobians evolved into the anthropomorphic beings they are today is because human genetics got mixed with animal when the Earth got bombed back to the Cambrian Era. I’m not a scientist, nor am I even good at science. Or anything, for that manner. But anyway, evolution does not work that way. The genetic differences between humans and animals are not as radically different as most sources imply them to be, often having only a difference between what triggers are turned on and off. Just mixing the two together will not create a functioning creature. Ask ANY biologist or geneticist about this. THIS IS NOT HOW SCIENCE WORKS!

And furthermore, if the creatures DID re-evolve (which would probably happen, considering the way biology works), they would not do so OVER A FEW THOUSAND YEARS. Hell, it took life on Earth BILLIONS of years just to get out of the water. So, between the Lego Genetics and the You Fail Biology Forever, we have a jumbled mess of a timeline that makes absolutely no sense. They Just Didn’t Care.

(Thank you, TVTropes, for ruining my life.)

(YOU CAN STOP SCROLLING NOW)

Okay, so the Xorda are going to kill everything anyway. Why? Because they like to be thorough, I guess. Robotnik shows Sonic and Sally his new giant robot, which can break through the Xorda forces. Of course, once they are inside, he immediately turns on them, straps Sonic’s legs into one of those step machines, and forces him to start clanging along…forever! Curse your sudden and inevitable betrayal!

Oh, but the robot breaks down almost immediately after busting through the Xorda, freeing the two.

Meanwhile, the rest of Mobius is still working together to fight off the aliens. Julie-Su and the Chaotix get separated, and are nearly killed, until Knuckles suddenly returns. Having grown tired of the afterlife, and needing to rescue his friends, he finally grew a pair (not like that, DeviantArt) , told the gods off, and flew back to life. Nevermind that his body was still on Angel Island, he’s back in the flesh on Mobius Prime, ready to kick ass. Only…Aurora decided to be a bitch and also took away his Chaos powers, rendering him absolutely useless for the rest of the fight. And for a good number of issues after this, in fact.

SONIC’S SACRIFICE

Well, we’re almost through issue 125. And now it’s time for someone to die.
The Xorda’s grand scheme is to use some sort of device to basically suck Mobius into a self-made black hole, utterly annihilating the entire sphere. Now they’ve OFFICIALLY crossed the line from “vengeful aliens” to “just fucking evil.” Why the hell are they doing all this? They’ve already won, the species that killed their diplomats is practically extinct! I’m starting to think that whole “diplomacy” thing was just a ruse to find an excuse to kill off a planet for shits and giggles. And they can’t even do THAT right. Necrons, they are not.

NICOLE figures that the generator creating the black hole will have a momentary weakness, just as the hole is forming. Unfortunately, they will need a force more powerful than any weapon on Mobius to actually damage the thing. (This is why you don’t discount guns, folks.) And of course, it’s Sonic to the rescue. So, he and Sally talk a little, kiss good-bye, and he starts running really, really fast around the generator.

Finally, he merges with the Speed Force and slams into the generator at the precise moment, destroying it in a small nuclear bomb-sized explosion. Of course, there’s no sign of him in the smoking crater, and “nobody could have survived that,” so he’s chalked up for dead. Sally locks herself up in the castle, while everyone else is busy mourning the fallen hero. Except for Robotnik, of course, who now has no more major threats to his dominance of Mobius.

And our block ends with the sight of Sonic, lying unconscious on a distant planet, billions of millions from Mobius. Will he ever get home? What will Robotnik do in the meantime? And what of Knuckles? And Sally? And everyone else on Mobius?
Stay tuned for the answers.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This block was painful. It was just…so…<b><i>bad.</i></b>

For me, this is when the comic slid into its darkest, most horrifyingly bad period. The angst was kicked up a few hundred notches, the plot started to derail into a fucking mess of love triangles and twisted familial relationships, and Robotnik was barely even in it! The Knuckles stories seemed to suffer the most, featuring incredibly half-assed plotlines with little to no real resolution. And then everything gets called on account of the milestone. It doesn’t help that the artwork was frequently painful to look at, the writing itself was getting progressively worse, and the company kept fidgeting with the book’s format. They even tried to turn the whole thing into an actual magazine for a while, but fortunately pulled back on that pretty quick.

The nadir would continue throughout the next block. The love triangle we all thought was resolved will return, and only deepen. Characters will be derailed with the speed of a thousand Amtrak trains driven by an Autistic kid with a remote control. (I apologize in advance for that sentence.) Even more plot threads will be introduced, only to have the writer get fired for an incredibly stupid plot decision and have everything add for naught. There will be a glimmer of hope with one of the best storylines in the entire comic, but that will be quickly buried under a sea of red strings and fan stupidity. Thing’s won’t look up again until the 160s, where a new writer finally comes in and starts fixing this fucking mess.

But until then, let us huddle together, and pray. Preferably while reading a much better comic. Like Amazons Attack.

#44

I hate to admit it, but yes, even Amazons Attack! wasn’t THAT bad, next to all that crap. shudder

And hey, I remember Teenage Caveman! I must’ve been like, 7 when I saw it, but even then I remember going “caveman did not live with dinosaurs! And how does a nuclear war bring all of them back?” Still, it was a lovably goofy movie (is in MST3K?)

(Thank you, TVTropes, for ruining my life.)

YES!! The Virus creates another ONE Of US! :hahaha;

#45

Actually, Teenage Caveman IS in MST3K. That’s actually how I saw it.

To be honest, I never read Amazons Attack. Most of my knowledge is from your Wonder Woman retrospective and Linkara’s excellent video review. (Which you should all watch. Right now. Again, if you have to.) If it’s even HALF as bad as what I’ve seen, though…I’m not reading it. I see no reason to waste my paycheck on regurgitated slop like that…fucking thing.

And we’re gonna diverge a little for the next update. The next block actually requires a little more research than usual, since my memory of the last ten issues are a little hazy. (The storylines start to bleed into each other by that point.) So, instead, I’m going to cover a story so UNBELIEVABLY AWFUL that it deserves its own update. Ladies and Gentlemen, next time, we will handle…

MOBIUS: 25 YEARS LATER…

131-1.jpg420×642

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

(Sorry this abomination was the first image I could get up here.)

#46

Hey d, thanks for mentioning Linkara’s review, I did in fact check it and it was very fun to watch, especially the part at the end where he battles the comic itself. Hah! :stuck_out_tongue: I have to see what else he’s reviewed, in Countdown to Final Crisis he’s got plenty of crap to attack. :wink:

#47

:cool:

#48

Here it is. The worst of the worst.

It’s been a while since I posted such a short chapter. I’m actually kind of glad. Sorry for the sudden lack of pics, but…I have to will myself to sludge through this garbage and…well…it’s not pleasant.

<b>Chapter 7.5: Mobius: 25 Years Later: Electric Boogalo: Deep Space Nine: This Time, It’s Personal</b>

The saga of this side story spans all the way back to the Knuckles series. Penders had initially pitched a Summer special called “Knuckles: 20 Years Later.” The idea was that an adult Knuckles would fight off some sort of future threat, one that would seemingly end with the destruction of the Floating Island and much of Mobius. Apparently it got far enough for Penders to slip in a promo in Knuckles Issue 25, as a vision that spurred Locke to genetically engineer himself and his unborn son. However, the whole thing amounted to nothing.

However, Penders never forgot the story. He pitched it again, this time as part of the aforementioned “Green Knuckles” arc. His modus operandi this time was to get everyone behind Knuckles’ future daughter, Lara-Su, and therefore drum up support for the special. But it was for naught; not only did the fanbase REALLY dislike Lara-Su (and the arc in general), but Archie had discontinued the Sonic Specials. Furthermore, Penders found his beloved Knuckles series getting shoved further and further back, in favor of actually focusing on the title character. Those bastards!

Finally, after years of wrangling, Archie caved in and gave Penders his future story. He pulled out all the stops, creating a fourteen-issue backup story that rivaled anything he had ever done before. He tried to connect and finish off every lingering plot thread in the comics at the time. He also hammed up the drama, creating an entire list of virulent offspring for our beloved funny animals.

He failed harder than a no-armed, no-legged cripple with coated eyes trying to play Through the Fire and Flames on Expert. Why is that? Well, let’s take a look.

The first problem is that most of the action takes place on Angel Island, involving Knuckles and his family issues. Two things wrong with this:

  1. This comic is called Sonic the Hedgehog.

  2. This is an action comic.

It goes further than that, all the way back to the most pressing question in any distant future: who defeated the villain? As it turns out, Robotnik was losing his empire, so he decided to try and steal the Master Emerald. This pissed Knuckles off so much that he slipped back into Green with Anger mode, KILLED ROBOTNIK, and proceeded to remake all of Mobius, wiping out any trace of Robotnik’s empire. Next, he started to remake the Echidna race, wiping out the Dark Legion’s mechanical augmentations (as well as Julie-Su’s). Before he can move on with these schemes, however, Sonic finally shows up and uses a new weapon to stop the unmaker of reality, accidentally blowing out one of the Echidna’s eyes. The hedgehog is treated like a monster for doing this.

Just to reiterate: Knuckles goes into Knight Templar mode, flat-out murders the villain, starts imposing his own will on an entire planet, flagrantly destroys life-preserving technology (several Legionnaires NEEDED the tech to survive), and would have gone on from there. Meanwhile, Sonic, the hero of our comic, the one that’s IN THE TITLE, is a bastard for stopping a god-like maniac from destroying all of reality. I thought we abandoned the Luddite bullshit a few dozen issues ago! Hell, the main stories at the time showed a more technology-adept Knothole holding its own against the Eggman Empire! What is wrong with you, Penders? Did a toaster murder your parents or something?

And why is Sonic now a bastard for stopping a PERFECTLY LEGITIMATE THREAT TO THE PLANET?! There’s a reason this is also known as “Echidnas: 25 Years Later.”
Furthermore, none of our cast’s fates make sense. Let’s take a look:

*Sonic marries Sally. (Doesn’t work thanks to some story developments.) They now rule over Mobius, and have two kids: the sixteen-year-old Sonia (a squirrel) and the annoying ten-year-old Manic (a hedgehog.) The names are a shout out to Sonic Underground. Do the math.

*Knuckles is still Guardian. (That’s good.) He’s living with Julie-Su, but they’re still unmarried. His daughter, Lara-Su, is a whiny little sixteen-year-old bitch. Every single line that comes out of her mouth is “I WANNA BE A GUARDIAN!”

*Tails and Mina are married. This is one of the worst developments in this whole disaster. The two barely even interact in the main series, especially after Mina became less of a main character. And at the time, Mina had an actual boyfriend. And is about six years older than Tails. Just…what were they thinking? Oh, and
they live in Downunda for some reason.

*Espio and Vector are also parents. Vector’s son appears in one issue, while Espio’s daughter is Lara-Su’s best friend.

*Locke finally dies from his experiments. Serves the bastard right.

*Lien-Da has settled down, and is the Echidna representative to mainland Mobius. Of course, she’s still plotting and scheming. She has a son whose name escapes me at the moment. Also, Dmitri is now little more than a floating head in the glass bowel.

*Rotor is now a chief scientist. He actually does more in this comic than anyone else.

So, what’s our plot? Well, Mobius has been suffering from a series of strange weather patterns. As it turns out, this is because of all the times Sonic ran down the “Cosmic Interstate” during his earlier adventures. Yes, it is SONIC’S fault the world is ending. Meanwhile, Knuckles is such a pure and wonderful hero that his own weakening of reality (during his whole “technology is evil and must be destroyed” episode) is never brought up. Nevermind that “Old Red” is a jerk throughout this whole series, blaming Sonic for everything that happened to him, when half the time Knuckles invites this nightmares into his life through his own stupidity. It’s all that hedgehog’s fault!

So, we have a world-ending disaster on the way. How do we prepare for it? By talking! And…more talking! And even more talking! They talk about relationships, they talk about parent-child arguments, they talk about women’s rights (seriously?), they talk about politics, and they even talk about nothing at all! The whole thing starts with a meaningless school lecture about how Echidnas are superior to the mainland Mobians because they have a Republic, while everyone else still has a monarchy. They even throw a sleep-over, so all the female characters can talk about boyfriends! What intrigue! What suspense! What…a fucking waste of time!

What’s worse, the actual plot points are muddled underneath layers of ancillary dialogue, as well as a few classic nonsensical paneling issues. For example, Knuckles and Rotor talk about the coming disaster in the park. (Which is fine.) They are overheard by Rutan, Lien-Da’s son. (Although I’m pretty sure not even the most hardcore of furries would want to shack up with a backstabbing bitch like that. And if you would, please stay away from me.) Unfortunately, he was also busy making out with his girlfriend (Espio’s daughter, in fact), and is taken in for the mother of all scalding. Now, what you would EXPECT is for Rutan to spill the beans on the Apocalypse, thereby allowing Lien-Da to actually contribute to this arc. Instead…

She starts calling Dmitri a misogynist for not letting her take control of the Legion. The problem is, back at the actual plot, she IS in charge of the Dark Legion! In fact, Mr. Floaty McSkull actually GAVE HER CONTROL just before Mogul tried to kill him. Granted, this isn’t as clear-cut as King Acorn’s treatment of Sally. Lien-Da is a bitch, being implicated for murdering her own father, brainwiping her half-sister, trying to kill Knuckles and Dmitri in a failed coupe, and all that. However, the problem isn’t an issue of logic, or morals. It’s that this whole conversation has NO REASON TO BE THERE OTHER THAN TO TAKE UP PAGE SPACE. Suddenly, about three pages from the end, Penders remembered he had a plot point to dispense and, get this, Lien-Da finally remembers what she’s chewing her son out for long enough to KEEP EVERYTHING MOVING.

And at the end, she decides to call Julie-Su up. So she does, and the issue ends with her on the video-phone (which is fucking huge, taking up half of an entire kitchen wall), just as Julie-Su is cooking up dinner. The next issue starts with Julie-Su in the kitchen, but she gets a call from Sally instead. They talk for a few pages before Lien-Da also calls up, but Julie-Su treats it like she hasn’t called her house in months. Now, the story takes place over three days. If the last page from the previous issue is to be trusted, then Lien-Da would have had to have called, hung up, and Julie-Su forgotten about the whole thing. Of course, this makes no sense. Oh, and what do the Queen of Mobius and the live-in girlfriend of the Guardian of Angel Island talk about? How much of a dick Sonic is and how hard it is to cook for their kids. Truly this is so important to our plot that we can waste <b>ENTIRE PAGES</b> to its establishment.

Finally, we get to the end of the story. Rotor finds that Robotnik had an old time machine or something like that, it’s just a massive asspull. Sonic, Rotor and Knuckles truck off to the machine, leaving everyone else behind. (Surely THIS won’t bite them in the ass later!) Meanwhile, Lara-Su has also smuggled herself along, but she gets no farther that out of a metal box (SINDRI!) before time and space collapse. Hurray! They’re all dead! Our long national nightmare is over!

So, how long was this mockery of taste? Fourteen issues, spanning 131 to 144. Since Sonic the Hedgehog is published monthly, this means the story lasted over a year. The comic sold fairly well, but this was more to do with the fact that two of StH’s best stories (Home and Return to Angel Island) were published at the same time. They represented what this series SHOULD have been: a good mix of character-driven drama and well-executed action. Instead, the storyline starts a little interesting, but putters out from its sheer emptiness about six issues before the finish line.

To make matters worse, it could have been salvaged. If the script had been cut in half, removing the obvious author tracts, it would have lasted about seven issues at the most. The leftover space could have been used to build up on other characters, like Tails. You know, Sonic’s buddy, the one major game character that is NOT built upon here? Maybe people wouldn’t have been so pissed about the Taina shipping if Penders had built an actual relationship rather than resolve everything in ONE PANEL. I mean, the artwork was actually decent, and the concept had potential. But…man, did he fuck this one up BAD.

And what’s worse? There’s a sequel! And there will be ANOTHER ONE in the future, only another five years down the line!

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Fortunately, said sequel is only two issues, so I’ll cover it in its respective block. The next storyline is in a spin-off, Sonic Universe, and won’t be for several more months. Fortunately, that means I will not be covering it. (Especially since I read the first two SUs, and frankly the series hasn’t endeared itself to me. It’s little more than a Continuity Porn mag for Ian Flynn to masturbate over.) But that’s enough of this mess.

For now, Galloway out.

#49

Well, here’s the next batch of the retrospective. And folks, things will get bad here. REAL BAD. Just run away right now if you want to live.

Chapter 8: Mobius in Flux (Issues 126-150)

<i>Last time, on as Mobius Turns…</i>

Sonic is in space. There. I will not glorify the shit I had to sit through with a recap.

<i>And now, our feature presentation…</i>

HEDGEHOGS…IN…SPAAAAAAAAACE!

So, Sonic’s now trapped in space. What follows is your typical outer universe adventure, with our stalwart hero jumping from place to place, ship to ship, and planet to planet in search of a ride home. Along the way, he encounters the following situations:

*He gets picked up by a freighter captain, only to have to abandon ship when the freighter is destroyed. Or something like that.

*He crash lands on a planet where everything happens at lightning speed. In the day he’s stuck there, the entire civilization evolves from single-cell microbes to a more modern society that worships him as a god! Oh, and they have their own Chaos Emeralds, these ones being red in color. They build Sonic a spaceship (in hypertime, of course), and he takes off.

*He runs into EVE, from all the way back in our first block. She’s now running around and “freeing” AIs by destroying their home planets and assimilating them into her core. Sonic is briefly attacked by the survivors of her genocidal rampages, before going into the core and shutting her down. Of course, to prove his badassness, he does so with the ultimate logic bomb: if she absorbs the AIs, EVE will only be making them slaves to her will. Personally, I would have gone with “Why don’t you put the world in a bottle?” but I guess that one was taken. And so Sonic leaves yet again while EVE self-destructs after a single put-down.

Finally, the plot kicks back into gear when Sonic lands on the planet Bem, a ring-shaped world that’s home to the same aliens that set up that cage match and restored the Robians. As it turns out, they tried doing this before on another planet; that time, however, they forgot that the inhabitants TURNED THEMSELVES INTO ROBOTS so they could survive the toxic atmosphere. And they didn’t think of this because…?

So yeah, the Bem scientist responsible for the whole thing was SUPPOSED to Roboticize the entire planet (since metal proved superior to flesh) but decided to go the opposite route. Furthermore, he also made it impossible to Re-Roboticize anything on Mobius, cutting off our old nemesis at the source. And of course, he’s going to die for this. Damn alien kangaroo courts.

Oh, and Sonic also runs into Tails’ parents. The fox’s father, General Amadeus Prower, was one of the first Mobians to be Roboticized, but vanished right after the original Robotnik seized power. He and his wife were kidnapped by the Bem scientist in order to test his De-Roboticizer, but because of their stringent laws, he can’t come home. So instead, they slap together a holographic watch, stuff Sonic in a spaceship, and hurl him at Mobius. Hurray for absentee parenting?

HOME

When Sonic finally gets back, he crashes right next to where Geoffrey and Hershey were getting married…right before they were to be executed. Robotnik’s armies have already overrun the area, and he was simply letting them get married just so he could twist the knife a little. Of course, now that Sonic’s here, the rest of Mobius’ worthless forces are free to sit back and let little boy blue run around yet again!

Sonic hooks back up with Tails, who takes him back to the modernized City of Knothole. Once there, he hooks up with the other Freedom Fighters, and they go on a mission to New Megaopolis, the new capital of Robotnik’s re-christened “Eggman Empire.” While there, they also run into Robotnik’s “children”: Mecha, an android with laser eyes and a T-800 skeleton, and ADAM, a self-conscious AI Robotnik built by accident. Lard Lord’s newest plan is to launch nukes at both Knothole and Station Square, effectively killing off his enemies in one move. However, Sonic manages to defeat Mecha (after she gives him her “new villain ass-kicking grace period”), and Tails delays ADAM with a joke long enough for the day to be saved.

That’s just the cliffnotes version. Karl Bollers spent most of the story actually setting up new plot points, recasting the characters, and generally giving Sonic something he’s lacked for a while: a good action storyline. But enough about that, here’s our new status quo:

*Robotnik’s new world is named the Eggman Empire. This is the only acknowledgment of the infamous name change the comic ever really gives. He also has his aforementioned “kids,” and actually appears to give somewhat of a damn for them. At least, until he inevitably kills them, but that’s for next time, folks! GOOD.

*Knothole is now a modernized city. And that’s about it. GOOD.

*King Acorn is walking around again, but has partially laid back on the douche pills. Sally, in the meanwhile, has dropped any pretense of being an action heroine, and instead just sits back and barks orders. Had Bollers continued with the comic, this would have stuck. NOT GOOD.

*Bunny and Antoine have broken up. In the one year gap, Antoine has become a considerable warrior, but is also a colossal dickhole, downright abusing Bunny and openly trying to get into Sally’s…er…pants. He’s also gotten a huge scar across one eye, which he covers with a patch. (<- That was a plot point.) Bunny, meanwhile, has gone from being yet another tough-as-nails heroine to another whiny, battered, why-don’t-you-fucking-kick-his-ass-you’ve-got-a-fucking-robot-arm-for-fuck’s-sake girly-girl. B.A.D.

*Fiona Fox is back. Wait, wasn’t she a robot? Well…when I went back through, I remembered I forgot to add a backup to the Knuckles series, where Mighty finds out that the real Fiona is still alive and working with Nack’s sister Nick. Together, they rescue Ray the Squirrel (from the deservedly-obscure Sonic the Hedgehog arcade game) before the vixen goes running into the night. Now she’s working with the Freedom Fighters because Sonic’s death inspired her, or some bullshit like that. Oh, and Tails is still in love with her, despite her being Sonic’s age. Uh…huh. DISTURBING.

*Mina is still a performer, with a few albums under her belt. (After ONE YEAR?) Hell, even ROBOTNIK is a closet fan! She also has a manager/boyfriend, Ash Mongoose. And again, what’s with the names? I mean, we know Mobians have last names, so why so little creativity, writers? Huh? Answer me! Oh, and Ash is a colossal dickhole. And Mina is a whiny little bitch. I’m sensing a pattern here. KILL ME.

*Knuckles still has no powers. Rotor’s made him a few gadgets that can simulate his previous abilities, but for the most part, he’s next to useless. Julie-Su and the Chaotix are still in Knothole, helping the Freedom Fighters fend off Robotnik. This gets remedied very quickly, though. BEARABLE.

*Amy Rose was finally given that hammer she’s had since, oh I don’t know, SONIC ADVENTURE, and is actually useful for once. ACTUALLY WORKS.

*Because of the language translator Sonic had implanted in space, he can now understand Muttski. NOT USED.

There are other, smaller changes, but for the most part these are the only ones that kinda sorta matter in the long haul. But we’re not getting to the most infamous part of the time skip. Oh fucking no, we’re not there yet. Oh, wait. We are. Sorry.

THE SLAP HEARD AROUND THE WORLD

Boellers had one more twisted scheme up his sleeve, a move that he had hoped would help reshape the comic into a viable contender in an increasingly competitive market. After Robotnik got his ass kicked yet again, we spend the following issue (134, to be exact) going over all the previously mentioned changes. The actual plot, however, involves Sonic and Sally trying to get some alone time, only for an army of paparazzi to chase them down everywhere. It’s just as unfunny and out-of-place as it sounds.

It gets worse.

Finally, about halfway through, King Acorn shows up to announce that he’s officially touring Mobius, both as a vacation and as a means to drum up support. He decides to actually listen to logic for once and leave Sally in charge of Knothole. However, this action also officially kicks her out of the field and into a Mission Control position, thereby solidifying her character’s massive derailment over the years.

It gets WORSE.

So, now that she’s in charge, she decides to have her fiancé, Sonic, rule at her side. However, he refuses, saying that his place is on the battlefield. After all, he IS the fastest thing alive, and the main reason the original rebellion succeeded, and the most potent weapon against Robotnik’s untold legions. So, how does Sally respond to all this?

She slaps him, calls him a dickhole, and dumps him. IN PUBLIC. I’m not kidding, she just goes into a whole “You love Robotnik more than me, you bastard!” speech and runs off crying, all because Sonic made a PERFECTLY VALID AND LEGITIMATE POINT! I mean, you were on the planet the whole time, right? You SAW how badly everyone’s asses got kicked? And how Robotnik suddenly freaked out at the mere mention of Sonic’s name? And how that hedgehog is pretty much the only hope your FUCKING SPECIES HAS FOR SURVIVING?!

What is up with this comic? Is logic a foreign language on Mobius? Was it wiped out by the Xorda? I mean, come on, people! Later writers tried to save the whole mess by saying she was more worried about Sonic being injured, but that doesn’t change the underlying problem with this scene. Bollers has, in essence, destroyed a well written, popular pairing with a last minute problem, one that could have easily been resolved by, you know, talking about it? Or thinking for more than five seconds?

And the worst part? Bollers did all this so he could get HIS preferred ship: Sonic and Amy. He even planned to pull it off by having the two get stuck together in an enclosed space and start making out. I’ve seen fanfics with better-written relationship development than that. And need I mention that Amy is TEN in this continuity, eleven at the OLDEST?! (Go reread the Sonic Adventure recap for that whole escapade.) Oh, and Sonic is an adult now in the comics. Yes, that isn’t creepy in the slightest.

(And stop staring at me like that. I’ve got a shotgun on standby.)

TOMMY TURTLE

Oh, this part is painful.

Tommy Turtle actually started in a one-off story just before the Xorda mess began. He was a childhood friend of Sonic, who got sucked into helping a bunch of villainous Mobians. Sonic tried to show him what really was going on, but Tommy didn’t believe him until he was too late, and died saving Sonic from yet another scheme. It was a very good story, with great artwork, strong writing, and most of all, a surprisingly emotional connection to a one-shot character.

Or, at least, that was how it was supposed to be. But since anything with the slightest bit of popularity will be repeated, Archie brought Tommy back from the dead. And the whole plot was a REPEAT OF HIS LAST APPEARANCE, only this time, Sonic saves the day and the two leave. Yes, it’s just as sucky as it sounds. But then, it turns out that Tommy was a killer robot, designed to trick Sonic! Fortunately, Jules shows up long enough to stop the fake, as well as die for about three pages before a REALLY cheap Power Ring revival.

But wait! Tommy is still alive, and stuck in New Megaopolis! So, of course, the Freedom Fighters join up and rescue him. (Even Sally joins in, at least for Tommy’s sake.) They bust the turtle out of prison, beat up a bunch of robots, and escape into the sunset. Only, for some reason, King Acorn is back. No, it’s never explained, other than Bollers losing his job and most of his planned plotlines getting kicked to the curb. (In the original plan, King Acorn would first escape a coupe in Station Square before getting possessed by a corrupted Source of All. Neither plot ever materialized.) He chews out Sally for abandoning her position, and she once again blames Sonic. Um…did it ever occur to her to say “No?”

RETURN TO ANGEL ISLAND

This was the only one of Boellers’ planned storylines to really get developed. The ending was completely changed (it would have involved a return of Monkey Kahn, a move we can all agree is not a smart idea), but for the most part was pretty faithful to his vision. And it was wonderful.

After a while of waiting and angsting, Knuckles finally gets word of Angel Island. Unfortunately, the same message also reports a rather alarming series of events, forcing the Freedom Fighters and Chaotix to go on a rescue mission. And…well…it’s not pretty. The Dingoes, now under the leadership of General Stryker’s son (his name escapes me at the moment), have signed up with Robotnik’s empire and taken over the entire land mass, nearly wiping out the Echidnas in the process. Furthermore, a freak accident has wiped out the Brotherhood, and with Knuckles still depowered, Locke remains as the sole Guardian. Unfortunately, he has been captured by the Dingoes, leaving the Dark Legion (now led by Lien-Da) to take up the job.

Upon arriving, the heroes get into a quick battle where they free several Echidnas (now sentenced to concentration camps). However, because Knuckles has returned from the dead, he is seen as the Avatar, a prophesied religious figure amongst the Echidnas. This does not sit well with Knuckles, who still has confidence issues following his power loss. This is made even worse with two more developments. The first is the arrival of Dr. Finitivus, an albino Echidna that exudes pure malevolence and evil, and yet nobody picks up on it. He’s allied with the Dark Legion (well, kinda), and has an extremely dim view on the whole “Avatar” business.

The second is that Lara-Le and Wynchamer are still alive, and Knuckles now has a younger half-brother: KNEECAPS. I repeat, KNEECAPS! Wasn’t Knuckles supposed to be named after some tribe or something? If so, was there a Kneecap tribe of Echidnas running around prehistoric Mobius? Does he have spikes on his knees or something? What cruel parents name their kid KNEECAPS? Or, for that matter, KNUCKLES?! But anyway, he’s an infant, so all he does is sit around and occasional bang on Knuckles’ head like a drum.

Finally, the plot kicks back in. Knuckles tries to go to the Emerald Chamber, but the same quirk in his revival that robbed him of his Chaos powers also make it physically painful for him to be in the Master Emerald’s presence. Meanwhile, the rescue operation goes south, thanks to a revived Hunter. However, the sheer desperation of the situation allows Knuckles to finally break through the limits and regain his powers, quickly killing Hunter and driving the Dingoes back with absolutely no effort.

Locke is freed, but unfortunately, a lot of Echidnas were captured by Robotnik. They are the first victims of his “Egg grapes,” large spheres that basically suck the life out of their captives to feed his machines. (Um…creepy.) Now that Knuckles is back to normal, Locke tries to persuade him to stay, but old red refuses, claiming that it is better to deal with Robotnik first. Once again, this argument makes sense. If Robotnik is supplying the Dingoes equipment, then it would be wiser to get rid of him first, thereby robbing the Dingoes of their supplies and bringing a swift end to their empire. However, as mentioned a dozen times before, logic has no place on Mobius, and Locke just accuses his son (WHO JUST SAVED HIS LIFE) of being lazy and not having his priorities straight. The two leave on very bitter terms, while Dr. Finitevus offers to help watch over the Master Emerald. Yes, that will certainly end well…

(How was the ending changed? Originally, Knuckles would have recovered his powers, but would also overload, practically equaling Enerjak in pure destructive potential. However, he would also have to remain in close proximity to the Master Emerald to keep any of his abilities. Realizing this is pointless, he would have decided to give up his strength and instead trained under Monkey Kahn, unlocking the power to use an alternative to the Chaos Emerlads, the Power Geos or something like that. Also, Wyn would have been killed off, while Locke and Lara-Le would have reconciled and raised Kneecaps together. Needless to say, the revised version is much, much better.)

Admittedly, my summary leaves a lot to be desired, but the fact is, Return to Angel Island was GREAT. It was action-packed, emotional, moving, and just plain wonderful all around. Unfortunately, it would remain the only bright spot for years to come.

ANONYMOUS

This is as good a time as any to introduce one of the most well-known aborted arcs in the comic: Anonymous. Around the time Home ended, Robotnik discovered that someone had found a way to Roboticize the Mobians, something he could not do after the Bem got rid of the Robians. ADAM discovers some video footage of the Destructix, the same villains now standing motionless in Robotnik’s command center, meeting up with a shadowy figure. As it turns out, the whole meeting was a set-up, and they are effortlessly reduced to lifeless robots yet again. Obviously, Robotnik does not like this at all; now he has yet another rival vying for his empire. He orders ADAM to continue to look into matters, and the story ends.

The Anonymous arc was intended to span several issues, before leading up to a grand reveal. The true mastermind was to be the original Robotnik, back from dematerialization and seeking to regain his throne. Unfortunately, there was little thought of what would happen after this fact, so I don’t know how the current Robotnik would have responded. Even more unfortunately, the entire proposal was basically “Anonymous shows up, stuff happens, turns out to be Robotnik.”

This was the problem with these issues. There was no real coherent thought running through everything. The story just…meandered about, occasionally presenting a plot point or two but just as quickly discarding everything in favor of pointless filler. The Anonymous situation was mentioned one more time, even showing a silhouetted figure of the original Robotnik. Unfortunately, by then, everyone had forgotten about the character, and the story got swept aside in favor of more interesting storylines. When Ian Flynn took over the comic, one of his first actions was to end the whole mess, but that’s a story for another time. Needless to say, he just gave up on reintroducing the original Robotnik (which was probably the right thing to do, considering the Gordian Knot that is this series’ continuity), and ended things in an equally unsatisfying way.

NICOLE GETS DEVELOPMENT

Not that way…

NICOLE, despite being in the comic for years, had been relegated to a side role for an extremely long time, never getting any development beyond her initial arrival and a few token peeks into the future. However, someone decided that it would be a good idea to build on her character, and thus we had a smattering of stories in the 140s that built upon her background.

The first was a parody of “Dear Abby,” meant to highlight the extremely tepid and ridiculously complex love triangles that were vigorously slamming into each other every other issue. In the story, Bunny gets counseling on dealing with Antoine (which she is too Chickified to act on), Mina is finally told to get over Sonic (which she agrees with), Amy is given some romantic tips (which she gags at, being ELEVEN and all), and Sally is told that she and Sonic can get together later. Of course, the real writers are Sally and NICOLE; the last letter is simply a cover to protect the princess’ true identity. Despite just how out of place it felt, this story did help to advance Mina’s relationship with Ash a little, and also started the process of reversing Boeller’s seemingly irreparable destruction of the Sonic-Sally pairing. Also, it reinforced that Amy was, in fact, a child, and that Boellers was a sick fuck for thinking anyone would agree with his ship.

The events are highlighted again a bit later, when a freak accident swaps Sally and NICOLE’s brains. No, I don’t know how that even works. But then again, this is the same medium that has giant yellow bugs that feed off fear, so I think rationality is long gone. While Sally acts like a bitch even in robot form, NICOLE is overwhelmed by a total sensory overload, running through every single “machine become a real boy/girl” cliché you can imagine within the short story. All this grinds to a halt, however, when Sonic shows up. NICOLE suddenly crashes from the sheer force of romance (or…something equally cheesy), and when she wakes up, Rotor has already switched the two back.

The trilogy of terror ends when NICOLE manages to find a way to virtually project an image of herself, in the form of a lynx. (Oh, how clever, Archie!) Sally finds out pretty quickly, but neither can really do anything, since the sheer force of maintaining the projection drains NICOLE dry pretty quickly. And by “pretty quickly,” I mean, “long enough for her to drill Sally about that little thing called love.” Because yes, all that this comic needed was yet another romantic subplot. Finally, some sort of divine mercy is granted upon us, she shuts down, and we can all go on with our lives in peace.

<b>OR CAN WE?!</b>

SHADOW RETURNS

At some point, Shadow returns to Knothole, continuing his brief fixation on Hope from Issue 124. Unfortunately, just as he starts to approach her, Locke teleports in, kidnaps them both, and drags them to what’s left of Haven. He plans to use Shadow’s Chaos Control to help and locate the missing Brotherhood; he only took Hope to eliminate any witnesses. Unfortunately, Shadow doesn’t take too kindly to this, and proceeds to wreck twenty shades of hell upon his captor. He stops only when he realizes he’s scared the piss out of Hope, and finally decides to just leave the Floating Island. By literally stepping off it.

He ends up landing in an abandoned instillation, once owned by the late Gerald Kintobor (or Gerald Robotnik, if you want to be anal). Inside, he also comes across ISAAC, one of the late doctor’s robots and a perfect gold replica of Gamma. Furthermore, he also learns that the Chaos Emeralds were beryl gems that got irradiated by the Xorda’s bombing of Earth. I’m just mentioning that now because it’s yet another retarded plot point, as it completely ignores the existence of OTHER Chaos Emeralds on other planets. Fortunately, it’s promptly ignored by every storyline to follow, thereby eliminating another useless piece of baggage.

Sonic and co. also show up for…some reason. (I can’t really remember, to be honest.) They are followed by a rebuilt Metal Sonic, sent in to retrieve Robotnik’s late uncle’s secrets. Of course, all three hedgehogs run into each other, and have a quick fight before Tails fucks up and hits the wrong button, sending the three combatants and ISAAC tumbling down a trap door. At the same time, the trap also electrocutes Bunnie, Rotor, and Fiona; they end up getting rescued by Tommy. The whole thing ends with a final battle against a launching missile; Metal Sonic is destroyed, the Freedom Fighters are rescued by Uncle Chuck, and Shadow teleports.

The story ends with ISAAC contacting a mysterious cylinder, implied to contain Gerald’s remains. Supposedly, he’s been commanding the entire ordeal mentally, with ISAAC merely being his instrument. However, this is never really followed up on, so let’s just forget this ever happened.

TAILS – THE CHOSEN ONE

Meanwhile, Mammoth Mogul is revealed to be alive. As it turns out, he simply absorbed the energy from Knuckles’ explosion to make himself a god yet again, and has since then been destroying one universe after another. To counter this, Merlin contacts Zonic, yet another alternate Sonic and the leader of the Zone Corps, and they snatch up Tails to finally finish his ultimate destiny. Oh, and Sonic comes along for the ride. No, he will not be doing anything useful this story.

They arrive just as Mogul finishes in destroying the entire Multiverse. Fortunately, Zonic had already snatched up every single version of Tails from every single universe. Mogul finally attacks the last bastion of existence (the Zone Corps HQ), and even the army of Tailses aren’t enough. That is, until they MERGE TO FORM…

TITAN TAILS!

…That’s it. This comic has officially driven me insane. I…I can’t handle it anymore. There’s just so much…SHIT running through every single page, every single picture, every single line of dialogue! Titan Tails…he’s a fifty-story-tall cross between Tails and Duke Nukem. He literally blows Mogul over with a tornado-strength tail spin. He…NO! I CAN’T DO IT! THIS IS RIDICULOUS! I CAN’T HANDLE THIS LEVEL OF FUCKING HORRIBLENESS ANY LONGER!

Give me a Rob Liefeld comic. Please. I’ll take that over TITAN TAILS!

So, the day is saved. Titan…Tails restores the Multiverse. Mogul is trapped in a Chaos Emerald yet again.

Brain…hurts.

That’s it. I’m gonna slip the rest of 150 into the next update. It’s a two-parter, anyway. No sense waiting for a conclusion. Ha ha ha?

CONCLUSION

My…My…I…Gah…Dah…

(We regret to inform you that our current retrospector has suffered a mental breakdown, and must be institutionalized for his own safety. Please stay tuned for more of the Sonic the Hedgehog Comic retrospective.)

Next time: Marriage, revivals, and Ian Flynn, oh my!

#50

Will Galloway be able to finish this trip through comic book madness, or will he end up institutionalized in Arkham Assylum? Stay tuned! :wink:

PS: would it kill you to have a funny or nice sig pic once in a while? Sheesh.

#51

Here we go. Hope you enjoy.

Sonic Retrospective Chapter 9: Things Get Better (Issues 151-175)

Last time, on As Mobius Turns…

Robotnik, now a regular Overlander again, has cemented his rule over Mobius during Sonic’s absence. When the hedgehog finally returns, however, he quickly revitalizes the Freedom Fighters, and together they wage an open war against Robotnik’s rule. In between all this, Sonic’s relationship with Sally has been destroyed due to mutual stupidity, while Knuckles has regained his powers at the cost of his family ties. Oh, and there’s something involving Tails, but let’s not speak of that again.

And now, our feature presentation…

SONIC’S DOPPLEGANGER

Ah, Anti-Sonic. How I hate thee.

In case I haven’t mentioned him yet, Anti-Sonic comes from Anti-Mobius, your stock evil comic book universe where the heroes and villains switch jerseys. The Anti-Freedom Fighters spread destruction and discord across the planet, while the kindly veterinarian Doctor Kintobor tries to heal their damage. Unfortunately, thanks to Sonic’s meddling with the universe, Anti-Robotnik has become more aggressive, to the point of actually FIGHTING BACK against the Anti-Freedom Fighters.

And thus we have our evil twin story.

Issue 150 has Sonic behaving like an even bigger dick than usual, casually running around and hitting on every female character introduced so far. I mean, the entire issue is him trying to get laid. Um…huh. What a strong use of dead trees, Archie. Fortunately, the whole thing is easily explained. At some point, Anti-Antoine tried to pull a coupe on Anti-Sonic uses a dimensional portal. The device DID open a portal to Mobius Prime, but Anti-Sonic was already on the other side of the room and kicked the evil Antoine through. As luck had it, the good Antoine was also walking by, and thus Sonic swapped the two. But even better, he then knocked out the good Sonic and trapped HIM in the Anti-Universe!

Oh, and this is why Antoine is suddenly a badass misogynist: he’s really Anti-Antoine. Well, it’s a better explanation for his character change than what Boellers had planned. (He would have slipped on a banana peel and cut his eye on a dishwasher rack.)

Anyway, Anti-Sonic eventually runs into Rouge, who was just kicked off Angel Island after a not-so-subtle attempt to suck up to Locke for the Master Emerald. The two decide to team up and steal the giant mystical gemstone. Meanwhile, Sonic is captured by the Anti-Freedom Fighters (and Antoine, who is trying not to attract attention to himself), who proceed to beat him five shades to Sunday before blasting him over a cliff. However, he’ll be having none of that, and runs right back up, beats down the entire gang effortlessly, and uses the same device to head back to Mobius. He also ends up running right into Anti-Sonic, who ONCE AGAIN BEATS OUR HERO DOWN. This time, however, Locke is also there, and blows the evil doppelganger out of the Emerald Chamber with a mere thought.
At first, Rouge is pissed that the whole scheme ended in failure. However, Anti-Sonic DID manage to get a small Chaos Emerald for her. So, relationship mended, the two depart to continue thieving and stealing. Sonic, meanwhile, has to deal with all the relationship fuck-ups his evil self has pulled off.

THE NANITE CITY

Remember ADAM? Well, since his last appearance, he’s been a very busy AI, even building AN ENTIRE CITY OUT OF NANOMACHINES. Yes, nanomachines. He’s able to assemble an entire futuristic city in seconds using only microscopic computers. I can’t make this shit up. Oh, and he also captures Lupe and the Wolf Pack. Remember them? No? Congratulations, you’re not the only one!

So, of course, our heroes decide to mount a rescue/investigation. Unfortunately, due to reasons of fan service/dramatic irony, Sonic ends up getting paired off with every girl his evil self had hit on over the last two issues. And for some reason, they brought Mina. I thought we had established that she was absolutely useless in combat, but I’m sure Sally has her reasons for choosing her. Oh wait, she ended a committed relationship out of pettiness and a clear lack of risk assessment. My mistake.

So Sonic, Bunnie, Mina, Amy and Fiona head on over to the dystopian city for what amounts to be a very painful issue. I mean, PAINFUL! The art is garishly ugly and beyond inconsistent, the story tries to cram way too many events into a small number of pages, and the whole Wolf Pack thing is merely a Macguffin to get the Freedom Fighters over there. During their raid/rescue/whatever the shit they’re doing, Bunnie gets captured by the nanites, who try to take her over. Why? Because she’s part machine, that’s why! Of course, Sonic ends up saving the day by pointing out the obvious “she’s half-machine” fact, meaning that the nanites can’t really do anything with her organic half, and thus decide to leave them alone. Meanwhile, the heroes also find Snively hiding out, and recruit him to stop…whatever the nanites are doing. It’s really hard to tell.

And so our heroes ride out, with Fiona mentioning how it will take generations to reverse the city’s ecological damage. By the way, during the Sonic/Shadow/Metal Sonic storyline, she practically had an orgasm over an assault rifle. I don’t think she’s cut out to be yet another Captain Planet mouthpiece.

And Snively is now a part of Knothole’s “Brain Trust,” if only because his uncle won’t be taking him back. This is my real problem with the character: nobody knows what to do with him anymore. He’s an artifact of a bygone era, when the comic was actually good, and ever since the first Robotnik bit the dust he’s been bounced around like a ping-pong ball, trying to find some niche to fill. Needless to say, he does nothing as part of the Brain Trust, and even though they mention his having a good relationship with his half-sister Hope, that is never really shown until his last appearance before turning evil yet again. So yeah, hurray for pointless plot twists!

SONGOOSE

The pun…it’s like Kryptonite…

Because having Mina shoehorned into one story a year wasn’t enough, Archie decided to hedge their bets and try again! This time around, Mina is targeted for assassination by Robotnik. (I’ll get to the retarded reasoning later.) He first sends in Nack, but of course our heroes manage to foil his schemes and throw his ass back in jail. However, as long as there’s a possible threat, Sonic is placed as Mina’s bodyguard. Ash, being a massive a-hole, decides to throw a hissy fit, dumps Mina, and runs off to apply more black eyeliner. Oh, and Mina feels completely at fault, because for some reason all her songs are suddenly about Sonic. Who actually saved the girl a few dozen times, saved ALL OF MOBIUS and nearly died in the process, and has been single-handedly winning the war against Robotnik. Yes, surely he is undeserving of some adoration.

Unfortunately, Robotnik’s backup plan is to send in a rebuilt Heavy and Bomb, now more closely resembling their Knuckles Chaotix counterparts. At the next concert, the bombs naturally go flying, Sonic goes running, and the robots are destroyed. Unfortunately, one bomb managed to make it backstage…just as Ash decided to stop being emo and apologize. He grabs the bomb and dives into the dressing room, where he is blown to thousands of bloody chunks, all the while still babbling about how Sonic is a massive dick.

No, I’m sorry, he actually survives. And somehow, his stupidly blowing himself up is enough for Mina to dump all feelings she has for Sonic and decide to stick with Ash. Okay, I’m all for closing up this fucking love triangle, but really, people! Sonic was IN THE SAME ROOM! He could have grabbed the bomb, ran out of Knothole, hurled it into the sky, and NOBODY would be sitting in a hospital right now! There’s not even an acceleration problem; the hedgehog can go from zero to two hundred MPH in a snap! And Ash is a hero because he’s an idiot?

Oh, and Mina says all this WHILE SONIC IS PRACTICALLY RIGHT NEXT TO HER. I can feel a whole tirade of tact and timing coming on…
And Robotnik’s reason for trying to kill a vapid pop star? Because he thought her second album wasn’t as good as her first. Really.

MAWWIAGE…

Well, that’s one love triangle down. Now we can all go and…

OH GOD DAMN IT!

Yes, Tails walks in on Sonic and Fiona…gulp…making out. Tails finally fesses up about that whole “robot Fiona” thing from a while back, only for the CURRENT vixen to point out the rather obvious age gap. And so Tails runs off, crying like a banshee and screaming how much he hates Sonic. But that’s not important right now, so let’s continue.

King Acorn and Antoine’s father have both fallen ill, under very similar and strangely unexplored circumstances. Oh, and they both fell sick after talking to Antoine. Alone. In private. No guards. Of course, the people of Mobius are incapable of putting two and two together, and Acorn decides to step down as king…after Sally agrees to marry Antoine. Yes, we’re back to this shit again. I know I say this too much, but…WHY DID WE RESCUE THIS JACKASS?! Bunnie brings the news to Sonic, while also crying like a baby. (Hey, remember when she used to flip tanks over her head and tear robots in half? My, how her character has developed!) Sonic rushes off to confront her, only to get his ass kicked by Antoine. (Remember, it’s still the evil one.) Sally, in the meantime, decides to go ahead with the marriage, figuring that she will get over Sonic in time.

So, Sonic goes for Plan B: he flags down Elias and tries to convince him to stop the wedding. Unfortunately, our beloved prince is still all emo about how much of a dick his dad is and won’t do anything. Finally, true blue runs in to stop the whole farce. By the time he arrives, however, not only has the wedding already been finished, but they are in the middle of the actual reception. Antoine and Sally both order Sonic to be arrested for trespassing…

But then ELIAS COMES IN TO SAVE THE DAY. Finally done with his moping about, the guy decides to grow some balls (er…figuratively) and take the throne himself. Once again, outdated misogynistic rules of succession win the day! Oh, and apparently Elias’ kids can’t take the throne since their mother’s a commoner. Stupid, but I’ll live with it.

Anti-Antoine finally decides to stop this stupidity and tries to kill Elias with a handshake-obscured needle. That is ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF HIS HAND. Needless to say, Sonic knocks the weapon away, exposes him as the evil doppelganger, and saves the day. And how did he know this? Because nobody ever saw Antoine get that scar. Um…I’m pretty sure Doctor Quack claimed to see what happened, so…you know what, fuck it. It’s done.

Anti-Antoine is kicked back to his own dimension, while the real Antoine is sent back and makes up with Bunnie. Elias’ first act as king is annulling Sally’s marriage, and she’s finally decided to give Sonic another chance. Except, now he’s decided to just stick with Fiona. For no real reason. Oh, and Tails is still crying about this. Lousy cake eaters…

METAL SONIC RAMPAGE

The next story is long, but also short on actual events. Let’s just make it quick.

An army of Metal Sonics suddenly attack Robotnik’s HQ, followed by someone hacking into ADAM. Out of desperation, Robotnik manages to convince Sonic and Tails to help him defeat the machines. Unfortunately, when they get back, they discover the Metal Sonics had been studying under the Alan Moore style of villainous plotting; the takeover was already executed, all they had to do was delay the announcement until it was too late for Robotnik to do anything. And then he pushes a button, shutting down all the robots. I don’t get it, either.

What follows is basically Sonic and Shadow beating the shit out of Metal Sonics. Shadow is now working for Robotnik, albeit purely out of loyalty to his creator. The Metal Sonics were actually created by Uncle Chuck, as an alternative in case Sonic never returned to Mobius. Knuckles temporarily powers up Shadow enough to perform a Chaos Control. And in the end, the day is saved.

THE ORDER OF NAUGUS

Mogul returned once again, this time making another grab for universal dominance. His first scheme: destroy the Walkers. Which he does in a single issue, with the assistance of the Arachnos and the Sword of Acorns. Granted, said gods did choose three replacements before they died (namely Athair, Aurora, and Merlin), but still…in one issue? He then recruits the Destructix (a grab-bag of minor villains) to stir up trouble and steal the Crown of Acorns. Which they do, with almost no resistance. Um…huh.

The Freedom Fighters join up with Sir Connery, a horse paladin formerly working for the Walkers, and head out to do battle. Meanwhile, Ixis Naugus also enters the fray, intent on stealing Mogul’s power. Unfortunately, he realizes that, in the ancient past, Mammoth Mogul created the original Order of Naugus, and is responsible for the wizard’s powers. Now clearly intimidated, he decides to join forces with his former master, now the undisputed ruler of existence. Jolly.

In a subplot, Anonymous helps the Arachnos enter Robotnik’s HQ. Enraged, he orders ADAM to find the cause of the leak. He immediately fingers out Mecha, and in a moment of extreme callousness, our villain has her destroyed AND deleted. He then heads out to hunt down Mogul.

The heroes manage to subdue Mogul long enough to rip off the artifacts and give them to Elias. Unfortunately, both the crown and sword blast the guy and fall off. Since they were both powered by the Source of All, and Elias never even touched the stuff, he can’t use them. Furthermore, Mogul has tainted their power, so that Sally can’t help either. Fortunately, Connery does what he should have done three issues ago and just DESTROYS THE DAMN THINGS, which somehow causes him to vaporize. Now decidedly un-god-like, Mogul still tries to kill off the heroes, only for Robotnik to come flying in (backed by his entire Egg Fleet armada) to seal ALL OF THE VILLAINS IN EGG GRAPES. He then flies off without bothering to, you know, destroy his mortal enemy, who’s just standing their dumbfounded?

There is, however, one thing that does trouble me a little about this story’s conclusion. Look at this panel.

I can see where they were going with this. After Robotnik practically raped his seventh dog in the series and killed off his doting “daughter,” the staff may have realized this was just a little TOO callous for such a character. The problem is, Mogul had nothing to do with Mecha’s death. Robotnik killed her because his son/AI said she was guilty. So, in short, nothing really worked, let’s move on.

THE SEVEN EMERALDS

Up to this point, the Chaos Emeralds in the comics did NOT follow the same rules as the games. There were literally hundreds spread across the planet, they could be replicated in mass quantities (although the manufactured ones obviously did not work as well as the originals), and besides the Master Emerald, none were absolutely vital to the plot. Also, every emerald on Mobius was green, while the games had seven emeralds, each with a different color. The “Sonic in Space” arc had Sonic discovering that other planets also had their own Chaos Emeralds, which were different colors and had different effects on Sonic.

Oh, and they were briefly geodes that that been infused with power from the Xorda’s bombing raid. Just…forget about that, the writers certainly did.
Anyway, one of Ian’s goals was to bring the comic a little closer to the continuity in the games. Furthermore, he also had to wrap up the mess left by the last few writers and editors, ESPECIALLY PENDERS. And thus we have our conclusion to the Anonymous arc, the solution to the Emerald problem, and Ian’s continuity porn, all in one package!

After being rescued, Tommy Turtle did nothing, as usual. That is, until he got covered in nanites, and his shell suddenly became a Gamera-esque jetpack. After that, he went back to doing nothing, until ADAM decided to take control of the nanite city. He also took over Tommy’s body, morphing the nanites into battle armor. He then captured Shadow and Tails, made them go into their super/turbo forms, trapped them in stasis, and then hooked them into a typical doomsday machine.

Sonic came charging in…as did Robotnik, who was pissed that his son was trying to usurp him. ADAM ends up admitting to framing Mecha, as she apparently figured out what was going on. While he’s doing this, however, he’s also using his super-powered hostages to pull out every single Chaos Emerald from every corner of the universe before smashing them all together, creating seven Super-Powered Chaos Emeralds. Using these, he will then launch a campaign of destruction that will bring all of existence to its knees. One problem: Locke had teamed up with Dr. Finitivus (an action that will certainly not bite him in the ass later), and together they have enough power to hold down the Master Emerald. Oh, and the captured heroes escape.
Sonic quickly transforms into Super Sonic, and the three manage to defeat the Tommy/ADAM combination. However, just as Tommy seems to be winning back control, Robotnik has him blown sky-high by his beloved Egg Armada. Sonic goes back to grieving for the lost friend/Gary Stu, while Robotnik swears to never trust anyone ever again.

But then comes the next problem. The Emeralds are subsequently sealed away in the Zone of Silence. As it turns out, the heroes NEED the emeralds to save King Acorn from Patch’s assassination attempt. Merlin sends them into the Zone of Silence to recover one of the emeralds…only to find that, in their absence, someone else has taken over. Faust, a giant panda that was briefly introduced ALL THE WAY BACK AROUND ISSUE 40, DID NOTHING, AND WAS NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN, has gathered all seven emeralds and refit the Zone of Silence into the Special Zone! He gives them the Grey Chaos Emerald for free (as thanks for giving him unlimited power), but warns them that any future emeralds would require them to complete a special task. So far, none of that has come to light, but from the looks of it, it would involve challenges similar to the Special Stages from the games.

Oh, and Antoine’s father dies. Turns out he was poisoned, too. Really, I’m beyond caring at this point.

SCOURGE THE HEDGEHOG

Now that all this bullshit is settled, time to move on to one of the better changes Ian made.

The Freedom Fighters decide to throw a birthday party for our favorite blue hedgehog, held inside the newly-created Freedom HQ or whatever. (Basically, it’s an underground bunker where the heroes can hang out and plan missions.) Unfortunately, the party is crashed by Bark the Polar Bear and Bean the…green bird thing, two characters from the rightfully-forgotten Sonic Fighters. Needless to say, they get their asses kicked.

There is one wrinkle, though. Since this is Sonic’s birthday, it also stands that it’s Anti-Sonic’s birthday as well. He decides to give HIMSELF a present in the form of stealing the Master Emerald’s powers. Locke manages to intercept him just as he’s starting and slashes him across the chest. However, not only has Anti-Sonic managed to steal enough Chaos Energy to survive the wound (although with a permanent scar), but he’s also turned green and become permanently supercharged!

Now calling himself Scourge the Hedgehog, he heads down to Mobius to fight Sonic yet again. This time, our hero is hopelessly outmatched, until Shadow shoes up. At which point, BOTH of our heroes are hopelessly outmatched. Seriously, Scourge is able to run circles around them, can take any amount of punishment, and is basically locked in Super Sonic mode. Oh, and Croc-Bot also shows up to capture all three, only for the three mammals to band together and destroy him for good. Then Scourge heads back to the Floating Island, where he joins forces with Dr. Finitivus. Because of Knuckles’ commitment to actually doing stuff that makes sense, Locke has entrusted the doctor with the position of Master Emerald Caretaker.

One problem: Finitivus is actually working for Dmitri. Or rather, was. The once-mighty leader of the Dark Legion refused to have anything to do with the doctor’s true plans (to be discussed in the next block), and as a result, Finitivus tore his cybernetic body apart until only the head was left, now floating in a glass bowl. Not that it really matters for now, anyway.

TRAITOR

There was another subplot during these issues, one that managed to sink two ships with one stone. And of course, it all involves Fiona Fox.
The problem with her character was that, well, she had no character. There was no real depth or perspective to her. She just started as a typical vengeance-filled action chick, then became some sort of special agent, and finally ended up becoming Sonic’s interment girlfriend. Oh, and Tails lusted after her because of a robot double made when she was eight. But really, that was about it.

The actual subplot started during Sonic’s birthday party. While dealing with Bark and Bean, both thugs demonstrate an almost intimate knowledge of her. She, in turn, knows that Bean has severe ADHD, and manages to defeat him by distracting him with some shiny keys. Unfortunately, rather than being, you know, thanked, Sally simply starts drilling her about her past connections. She doesn’t freak out, but still doesn’t take it too well.

Later, Rouge realizes Finitivus and Scourge are simply fucking insane and decides to rat them out to Knothole. However, as part of a cross-checking procedure, they also drill Fiona, her former rival in the thieving circuit. Once again, she doesn’t take too kindly to being prodded. Even worse, when Sonic takes her outside afterwards, they find Tails being held hostage by Sleuth, who wants the Warp Ring Rouge brought with her. Scourge also comes along, beating the shit out of Sonic while Fiona agrees to give Sleuth the ring. She tells the two heroes not to think too much about what just happened…which makes them even more suspicious.

Finally, Fiona just stops appearing, making Sonic even more concerned. The arc finally gets resolved when Sonic finally confronts Fiona…only to get sidelined by Scourge. Turns out she was bored with being a hero, and decided that an evil Sonic was a much cooler boyfriend. Tails, who was spying overhead, flies down in tears…only for Fiona to backhand him a good twenty feet. So, of course, Sonic starts fighting Scourge…AGAIN. And starts getting his ass kicked…AGAIN. Only difference is, this time Scourge tries the good old “If you had one bad day you will become evil” line. Sonic, for once in his life, manages to utilize an “If you had one good day you would become good” retort, shutting Scourge up in thought until Fiona jumps in.

(Note to Scourge: That trick didn’t work for the Joker. It sure as hell isn’t going to work in THIS comic.)

Fiona and Scourge are ready to kick hedgehog ass…until Amy comes in. Turns out Julie-Su was helping her grind up a few dozen levels in badass over the last few weeks, and she’s suddenly more than a match for the self-styled mercenary/thief/traitor. Finally tiring of the fight, Scourge and Fiona leave via Warp Ring.

MOBIUS: 25 YEARS LATER PART II

Well, now’s as good a time as any to cover this…monster.

As it turns out, the future has suddenly become very, very dystopian. Shadow has married Sally (for no adequately explained reason), and Lien-Da tricked Rotor into building her a device that protected her memories from the old timeline. Meanwhile, everyone else that was near the last device also has their memories (including Lara-Su, who had smuggled herself to the sight). Tails figured out something was going wrong, and built devices similar to Lien-Da’s to protect him and his family. Knuckles has joined Shadow’s forces, and is training various Guardian wannabes, including his daughter.

Tails tries to convince Knuckles to rebel, but is violently rejected. Lara-Su, however, is still angsting about how every friend she knew (especially Sonic’s kids) no longer exist, and decides to join Tails. The heroes then find Sonic, now a self-pitying bum. He spends all his time crying about how much he misses his family, and how he was such a shitty father before. Meanwhile, Knuckles arrives to capture all three, where they are imprisoned alongside Rotor. King Shadow gloats about some…plan he has, or something. Seriously, nothing gets explained here.

As it turns out, Knuckles remembers everything, and frees everyone. They rush the throne room, where Sally (who was not with the group during the paradox) has been told everything. Shadow and Sonic fight…and our hero is once again defeated. But wait! Lara-Su is suddenly more powerful than anyone, and because of the new timeline, she can now use Chaos Powers! So yes, the red-furred future daughter of our red-furred sidekick-turned-spotlight-stealing-protagonist is suddenly able to outfight a future villain that just kicked the comic’s main character’s ass!

…

Should I just turn the shotgun on myself at this point? I’m already ashamed enough as it is.

So anyway, Lara-Su freezes Shadow in some sort of time bubble or something. Everyone praises her endlessly, Knuckles makes her a full guardian, and all is well. Meanwhile, Sonic and Sally finally get back together, with NO clear indication of WHY she hooked up with Shadow in the first place, and decide to have kids again.

I’m sorry, but this story was just pointless. It sucks in the exact opposite way of the previous 25YL; this time, it moves way too quickly, it doesn’t explain a damn thing about why everything’s so fucked up, Lara-Su has gone from emo bitch to Mary Sue, Sonic is even whinier than usual, and it’s just…just…bad. Unfortunately, there’s still that future storyline in Sonic Universe, but I’m not covering it! At all!

(I’m still on the fence about the Sonic X comic, though. That series was actually good.)

KNOTHOLE’S LAST STAND

The next few issues wrap up a few plot points. Rouge steals the Master Emerald, which she plans to sell to Mogul. Since ADAM sucked up and merged every Chaos Emerald, he no longer has most of his powers. Furthermore, Naugus has been reduced to a drooling simpleton, but now has the ability to meld into the shadows. As it turns out, she never stole the emerald; she was working with Knothole to capture the villains. And Naugus’ new trick? He tries to sneak up from behind…only to find Sonic and Sally a little TOO genre-savvy for their own good.

Meanwhile, Merlin shows up out of fucking nowhere and decides to bring Tails’ family home. (And he didn’t do this at any other point because…) Turns out he picked the right time, because the evil Black Doom (from Shadow the Hedgehog) is destroying the Bem homeworld. Rather than, you know, rescue the OTHER people on the planet, everyone just snatches up Amadeus and Rosemary and whisks them back to Knothole. Tails is ecstatic about everything, and Elias happily reinstates him as general. Of course, Amadeus is quickly shown to be behind plotting and scheming of his own, plans that may lead to the planet’s doom.

Finally, our plot goes back on track with Antoine and Bunnie getting married. Once again, the staff’s angst and repressed rage suddenly boil over at the thought of FICTIONAL CHARACTERS having better love lives than theirs, and conspire to destroy them. This time, while everyone is partying down, Espio sneaks into Robotnik’s citadel. He discovers that Robotnik has made a new battlesuit…only to be seemingly killed off shortly thereafter. The next issue, Robuttnik flies into Knothole, along with his entire Egg Fleet or whatever.

What happens next is pure, unadulterated carnage. Robotnik’s already jammed their communications, so that the Mobians cannot contact Station Square for help. The Egg Fleet decimates the city’s defenses. Robotnik himself flies in, his suit capable of firing rays that teleport Mobians into Egg Grapes. When Sonic runs in to stop him, he finds the true genius behind Robotnik’s plan: he figured out exactly how Sonic fights, and made his armor INVULNERABLE TO ANYTHING SONIC CAN THROW AT IT. Our hero’s idiocy takes flight once again, and he starts ramming the suit endlessly. Hell, he even tries the “run around the world real fast and hit him at Mach 1” trick; THAT doesn’t even dent the thing! Finally, Robotnik simply beats his adversary down, detailing how every little thing he’s done, ever victory he’s obtained, has been for nothing. There’s not a damn thing Sonic can do to stop the doctor now.

Utterly crushed, Sonic is left lying defeated, possibly the last surviving Mobian. Around him, Knothole continues to burn, bringing to an end the team’s old hideout and the last hope for Mobian civilization. And this is when we end our little tale…for now.

CONCLUSION

So, what we have here is a collection of fairly poor stories, which gradually get better until the awesome Downfall. Storylines are finally wrapped up, and everything is back to “Sonic vs. Robotnik.” Even the characterization is getting better.

This trend continues in the next block, our final jaunt in the comic. We’ll go through the next twenty-five issues, all of which give us a much-needed change in scenery, some more plot development, and the utterly awesome Issue 200. See you then!

#52

What would have happened if he said Dr. Eggman?

I <3 Sonic

#53

My childhood would have been crushed, along with Dr. Robotnik’s dignity. Come to think of it, both these have already been accomplished, so… why am I answering rhetorical questions?

#54

The more I read this, the more confusing it seems to get. Also, why the hell is everyone the comic so stupid? In fact, from the way you describe it, d, I wonder how it’s even lasted this long.

Also, I approve of Robotink. Eggman sounds so weird, yet it makes sense given some of his creations, like the Death Egg. Although it’s just another case of the whole Princess Toadstool/Peach thing.