“Will are you okay carrying that around?” I shouted to Will a big muscular man not the cleverest. He knows it and can joke about it. He doesn’t know this but his hard working attitude makes me really look up to him not just because he’s double my size.
“I’m okay I’d just worry about John” John was a small elf a master with the bows and arrows with long blonde hair he’s a real grump with a nasty temper and always boasts about he’s so great which is funny especially considering he’s the weakest out of all of us.
As Will started making the fire, I smiled at John’s dreadful attempt of setting up the tent “just let me help you” I said to him shooting a white part of magic at the tent setting it up. “I could’ve done that in half the time at no charge but I wanted to do it without using magic or my hands or feet.”
“Then why did I see you using your hands” he knew when he was beaten. Suppose I should’ve told you about me the greatest wizard in the west for the last six years the place where magic was founded. The king trained me because of my talent I am not usually so boastful but its all true. I have a long white beard and long white hair and a long white robe.
As I went in my tent and started laying down to go to sleep a small noise caught my ears a mouse perhaps. Well people don’t know this I have a great fear of mice so I went out ready to kill some mice and saw something not unlike a mouse apart from it was 3x my size had brown fur no big sticking out teeth and claws capable of ripping my belly no tail so not much like a mouse at all apart from it terrified me and it brought 3 friends “will John get here?” I shouted.
Will hearing my shout and knowing I’m in trouble walks out and sees the monsters and says “tell me it wasn’t these weaklings that worried you” charging at the closest of the monsters.
John also hearing my shout thinks if it’s a mouse I’m going to kill him as he looks out of a hole in his tent he sees the monsters and takes aim with his bow through the hole.
I get in a defensive stance. Bring it on.
Will knocking the beast down starts attacking the face until the beast does an overhead kick knocking Will away Will does a really bad land and the beast seeing the chance jumps on him and attacks the neck, “stop it!” Will shouts flinging him off. They both lay down weak, they both stand up, they both charge, they both die.
John aims at his closest monster and then sends a bunch of arrows at him. The monster runs through the arrows and pulls the tent away. Blind monsters are easy to beat he thinks to himself as he runs up the monster and pokes his eyes with his arrows and jumps off and attacks it with arrows it waves its claws and attacks John ripping his skin “no no it cant be” he mutters before he falls down dead.
“You killed my friends now you must pay” acting like all the monsters were the one in front he runs and using a staff jumps over and powers a ball of light energy take that throwing the ball the monster gets knocked, I draw my sword and cut his head off, I go to sleep crying after my friends death.
I wake up and go outside as I clap my hands the camp disappears. I walk through the forest ready for a fight but not ready for three things that look like the things from the night before.
AHHHHHH my eyes. They burn. Spaces my friend spaces. Put a space every time you start a new paragraph. I don’t even want to try and interpret wth that sais. And you have many spelling errors and such. Heres an example.
“I’m okay I’d just worry about John”
The tenses in there are mixed up or your native to english or something. The best guess I can make is that it’s supposed to say. “I’m okay I’m just worried about John.”
Apart from what Videospirit already said, you could also use some more commas to slow the rushed feeling of the language. It seems like all the words are just tumbling over each other. Also, watch out with making sentances too long or they get confusing.
John was a small elf a master with the bows and arrows with long blonde hair he’s a real grump with a nasty temper and always boasts about he’s so great which is funny especially considering he’s the weakest out of all of us.
Would be better like this:
John was a small elf, a master with the bows and arrows with long blonde hair. He’s a real grump with a nasty temper and always boasts about he’s so great, which is funny especially considering he’s the weakest out of all of us.
The gates of the great town were beautiful and strong. Where master luchan went with my friend. When the fiends began destroying the world, as we knew it. He left me at melmond but told me to come here.Well one of the guards was a samurai with good eyesight and saw me and came down from his post to help me. He starting swinging from branch from branch and cut off one of the monsters head off.
“Bomb” I shout when I notice the monsters were distracted and attack with light power pushing them to bombs swords then killing them with a burst of light.
I suppose I should tell you what bomb looks like round black Armour that can totally surround him in a ball with a ponytail. “Paul” he said “come on lets go” we walk to the city.
“Hello master”
“Your dead all ready I see”
“You asked me to”
“ Your right”
“ So give
me the power”
“ If your ready” the dragon goes in the person and they go on the world.
Originally posted by kyle
[b]The gates of the great town were both beautiful and strong. It’s where master Luchan went with my friend. When the fiends began destroying the world as we knew it, he left me at melmond but told me to come here. One of the guards was a samurai with good eyesight and saw me and came down from his post to help me. He started swinging from branch to branch and cut one of the monsters head off.“Bomb” I shouted when I noticed the monsters were distracted then attacked again with light power manipulating it to make bomb swords. Then killing them with a burst of light.(This is the best I could make out of this paragraph)
I suppose I should tell you what bomb looks. It’s like round black Armour that can totally surround him in a ball with a ponytail. “Paul” he said “come on lets go”. We walked to the city.
“Hello master”(Should indicate who’s talking here)
“Your dead all ready I see”
“You asked me to”
“ Your right”
“ So give
me the power”
“ If your ready” the dragon goes in the person and they go on the world." [/b]
Yeah. I tried to tackle this to make it readable but. Couldn’t do some of it. Plus there are serious tense issues in here that I wasn’t sure what to do with.
Originally posted by kyle
The gates of the great town were beautiful and strong. Where master luchan went with my friend. When the fiends began destroying the world, as we knew it. He left me at melmond but told me to come here.
The first two sentences could be one (you don’t even need any punctuation), as could the third and fourth (although here you would need a comma after “it”, but not one after “world”). As you have it now, the second and third are just fragments.
“Hello master”
“Your dead all ready I see”
“You asked me to”
“ Your right”
“ So give
me the power”
“ If your ready” the dragon goes in the person and they go on the world.
Puncuation is still necessary inside quotation marks. If you don’t have anything else following it, you place a period inside the marks. If you do have more of the sentence following the quotation marks, place a comma inside.
Keep working at it and you’ll get better.
“Welcome to the great town,”says bomb “we should find the king quickly” I follow him as he leads me to the castle. The pure white walls glistened from the bright sun “the queen is pregnant did you know that.”
“Push push” said a midwife.
“Agh” shouted the queen.
“It’s a girl,” Said the doctor.
“Drat” muttered the king as he walked out of the room “Bomb what are you doing here”
“Paul was the one who was part of the legend group.” Said bomb.
“Oh come on my sister is ready,” the king said taking them to a room where a white mage was waiting “the boat is ready.”John walked to the gates glad of his new power now were is that daughter he thinks.
Kyle, I don’t mean to offend you, but are you listening to us? We’re trying to help you become a better writer, that’s why we’re giving you these tips.
Where are you from? You don’t seem to be a native speaker.
Anyway, work on your punctuation and your flow. Everything feels pretty rigid, which might go hand in hand with your punctuation issues.
And you have a character named Bomb?
I try to listen to you and I think I have but I’m bad at tenses
Alright then, just keep trying. It’s a bit tricky in the start but you’ll learn 
Try to focus on getting the punctuation right for a start, based on the tips that people have given you already.
I and bomb and the Wight mage, walk to the boat not noticing john in the shadows good there gone he thinks. The girl laid unprotected “good” he draws his dagger and goes to strike his dagger through her throat. The king walked in “what are you doing” he shouts going for the charge. John ran out scared at the king. “Good my daughter is alive,” the king said.
“What’s your name,” I say.
“Sarah” she says.
“Pirates” bomb says.
The pirates run on board the ship “you are going to die” they shout surrounding us.
yeah verry short.
LOL. You know. I think I’m starting to like this story. IT’s kind of cruel why I like it but not understanding wtf is going on makes it so funny when I finally figure out wtf just happenned.
“What’s your name,” I say
“Pirates” bomb says.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA. Took me like 15 seconds to figure out that bomb wasn’t answering the question.
They were surrounding, us we were going to die. When a ninja attacked them from behind they were startled we were ready “light blast” I called sending a powerful spell knocking them out, letting the others to kill them.
“Thank you” said bomb but when she took down her mask “you’re a girl.”
“It’s women.” She said.
Very short
You remind me of chris of the brood.
Anyway, make shit longer. Be more descriptive. Use the most words possible without using too many.
Tenses are bad… evil they are… evil… glares at any tense
I too have trouble with the tenses…:hahaha;
Your updates to the story are too short; it’s difficult to follow what’s going on with so many interruptions. You don’t have to post a new section every time you write a few sentences. Save the work in a text file or Word even so you can spend more than a few minutes on each little bit.